' I don't know why i feel this way ... '



Drinks after drinks, words after words, laughs after laughs. That's how was the first hour since Mr Sanders asked us to join him. Kim was all melted for him, by his charming words, the way he smiled at her, the way he raised his glass to his plump lips to take a sip of his whisky, the way he looked at her. I was a mere spectatress watching them exchange their points of views about whatever they were talking about. Whenever he looked at me, my heart stopped beating, my lungs remain full of air, and my brain didn't functioned. Whenever he smiled at me, i felt a wave of attraction hit me. Due to this weirdness feeling, i might have been drank more than my body could handle, and once again, the beast came and forced me towards the bathroom. Once the beast was happy by not having anything inside her, i came back to where Mr Sanders and Kim were, and noticed that only Mr Sanders was there, alone drinking his whisky.


- Uh... Where is Kim? - i asked him frowning, sitting on the chair in front of him.


- Are you feeling better? - he asked expressionless.


- Yes, thank you. - I said looking down my lap feeling timidly.


- She went for a walk with my friend. - I looked up to him, frowning. He was alone when he entered in the restaurant.


- He came here when you were in the bathroom.- he explained and i nodded, grabbing my drink, taking a sip of it. I looked up at him, and he was looking at me, like he was studying me.


- Are you sure everything's okay with you, Miss Scali ?


- Yes, everything's is fine Mr Sanders. - i said shyly. He smile weakly, probably not very convinced with my answer.


- Tell me about yourself, Miss Scali. I can see that your surname isn't american. - he said leaning on the table.


- Uh... No, it's not. My father is Italian and my mother is a native american.


- That explains a lot of things. - he said and i frowned. What the hell is he talking about?


- Miss Patterson told me that you like Italian literature. - he said supporting his head on his hand, showing that he was interested on what i was about to tell.


- Yes, i do. I'm a big fan of the Italian literature. - he smiled making his left dimple noticeable, making myself feel uncomfortable.


- I must assume that you study Literature Miss Scali. - he said leaning on his chair.


- Yes, modern literature, actually. - he chuckled


- Fascinating. - His eyes were glowing, and that had such an unknowing effect on me. My blood was running so fast through my veins, my breath was uneven and my palms were sweating. I brushed them on my dress so i could clean them and i heard Mr Sanders taking a deep breath which made me look up to him.


- You should take care of yourself, Miss Scali. - he said, once again expressionless. I frowned, not knowing what he was talking about. I opened my mouth to speak but he was faster then me.


- I can see that you're not one hundred percent fine. - I swallowed hard by hearing his words. I lowered my head trying to thing of something to say to him. How does he knows that? He barely knows me and i never saw him in my entire life.



- Miss Scali... - I looked up and his expression had softened. I took a deep, and i felt the urge to cry, so i got up, which made him to stand up too.


- I... I have to go. Thank you for the drinks Mr Sanders. - I ran out from the hotel restaurant and went to my hotel room ignoring the fact that Mr Sanders was calling my name. Once in my room, i stripped my dress, took out my shoes and laid down on the soft queen sized bed, with white sheets staying only on my underwear. How fucking stupid i am. For many years i hid all my pain, all my problems by smiling at everyone and assuring that everything was fine and they'd fall for that, but with Mr Sanders... It seemed that all my walls of protection had fallen right in front of him. I don't even know him. And the worst of all this, was that the beast inside of me was enjoying all the spectacle that i was causing. What he might be thinking? That i'm a fragile human being that seeks for attention? Yes. The beast answered. No! No, i don't. I'm perfectly fine. I have a boyfriend that loves me. He doesn't know you. I have a best friend that loves me and understands me. She doesn't know you too well. I have a family that supports me and cares about me. If they cared they already had sent you to the mental hospital. You are alone, Alexis. Face it!



- NO! - I screamed and a painful sob escaped from my mouth forcing more tears to come out. I sat up and hugged my knees, supporting my head on them. I heard a knock on the door and i looked at it not knowing what to do because my mind was too focused on the beast. I heard a knock again.


- Miss Scali are you in there? - i heard and i didn't recognized that voice.


- Y-yeah, just a sec.- I quickly cleaned the trails that my tears had left on my cheeks with the sheets, and stood up and walked to the bathroom to pick up my robe and to dress it. I walked towards the door to open it, taking a deep breath before open it.

- Good evening, Miss Scali. Mr Sanders asked me to deliver this to you. - An employer from the hotel gave me an envelope. I looked at it frowning.


- Mr Sanders told me to tell you that he would like to see you tomorrow morning at 9.


- Why? - I asked him looking up to him.


- I don't know Miss. Mr. Sanders only told me that. Now if you excuse me. - He said and walked away. I shout him a 'thank you', and he turned away and nodded, smiling. I closed the door and went to sat on the bed, and looked down to the envelope on my hands. Why did Mr. Sanders sent me this? I decided to open it, to kill my curiosity. I took out the paper and unfolded it.



Dear Miss Scali,

It was not my intention at all to make you feel uncomfortable with what i said tonight.
What ever i might have told, please forgive me. Let me make it up to you. Meet me tomorrow morning at the hotel restaurant so we can take breakfast together. I will be very disappointed if you refuse my invitation.

Mathew Sanders.



I blinked once i finished reading it. He wanted to make it up for me, but why? He didn't do anything wrong. I was the one that allowed myself to feel undefended before him. He touched on your open wound.No. Maybe he just wants someone to make him some company. He was alone tonight and maybe he wants some company. What if he wants to help you? No, he wouldn't. Nobody wants to help me. I know that. Never in my life i needed help, and i wouldn't needed it now. I was used to it. It became such a routine in my life that it wasn't as if i didn't even noticed it. But he did. He noticed the beast in me.