' I want to give up, but there's something that won't let me...'


The older i grew, the more the pain grew inside of me. The more i told myself that it was a day thing and that it wouldn't hurt the following day, it only made the next day more painful than the day before and the days and years before that. I always knew that there was something wrong with me, but i always refused to accept it. I refuse to reveal the beast that it's hide inside of me to anyone, and i think it's better this way. It's better to hide it than to show it. I don't want to worry my family, neither my friend Kim neither my boyfriend, Jason. I love them all and i feel like if i tell anyone, they would judge me and get away from me, such thing i don't want to happen.



Since my early teens, i began to see myself in a different way than all my classroom friends. They saw themselves as the most pretty girls at school, with a lot of self- confidence, and with a lot of attitude, while me... I'd pay money to anyone just to make me think like them, to make me think that i was beautiful like them every time i'd look in the mirror. But as the years went by, i isolated myself. I didn't go out like the most teenagers did. I didn't enjoy life. I simply got into a routine. Wake up, get dressed, go to school, come back home and in there i could take all out what i had eaten during the day. Every once in a while i got sick, and for the love of God my parents would let me stay at home and i wouldn't have to go to school so i wouldn't feel ashamed of myself. When i finished high school, i got a work at a local coffee shop so i could earn some money to pay my university. I signed up for several universities around California and one in New York, but i only got accepted at the NYC University. Once i came to NY, i thought that everything could change, I thought that i'd start seeing myself in other different way, but i was wrong. I only made me feel worse. I'd cry every night, I'd throw up a lot and i'd feel sick a lot of times. But then... Then Kim appeared in my life and it turned my tiny world a little better than it was. Within time, she encouraged me to go out, to actually have fun, thing that i never did in my life. I was quite surprised when that episode in my life happened. I always thought that having fun and being happy would hurt, but i guess i was wrong. Within some time, i'd started to feel a little better with myself, but the beast inside of me never died. I kept with the eating-throwing up routine. After a while, i met Jason. He was the most adorable, loving and caring person i have ever met. He did a lot of things for me. He was there when i needed to cry. He was there when i felt sick. He was there when i didn't wanted to go to classes, but still i felt the most lonely person in the world. Neither him nor Kim wouldn't see the beast that was hide in the cage somewhere deep inside of me. They could look into my eyes, and nothing. No signs of it. But still, I felt it.

- Miss Scali !

- Y-yes?- I looked to him and he was almost fuming. He had his arms crossed and was leaning on his desk, probably waiting for me to say something about whatever we were reading today.
- Are you sleeping on my class, Miss Scali ? - And this was my history teacher, Mr. Johnson. I hated him. He was a quite good teacher, but he could be a hell of a person sometimes. And he was so antiquate. He was wearing a black smocking, a pink tie and he wore his circulated glasses like John Lennon.

- No. I'd never do that. - I said to him and he proceeded with whatever he was teaching us today. Only a few students were here today due to last night was the birthday party of the most famous girl here and everyone got invited but me. I didn't even minded that i didn't got invited. It was better this way after all. I didn't enjoyed her presence anyway.


The classes went by and i still had the urge to go home, curl on bed and do nothing at all since i left home this morning. Today i was feeling a little bit down, i had a terrible headache and i spent the all day feeling like it was the beginning of another flu which is quite stupid to get a flu when it's summer outside. Well, at least, if i got sick, tomorrow i didn't need to go to school because it was Saturday but once i got home i took some pills and every pain on my body dissipated. Jason wasn't going to be in NY this weekend because he had to go visit his parents. Apparently his dad was getting married again and he had to go back to L.A. so they could celebrate. He and his parents had invited me and Kim, but we told him that it was better for him to go alone, because we didn't knew his family personally and we would be the 'intruders' which is something i don't like to be. So Kim, the party planer, booked us an hotel room for the weekend. The argument she had for this was that we needed some time for ourselves and nothing better than to relax in a luxury hotel downtown. It wasn't the first time we'd went there to have a weekend for ourselves and the hotel manager already knew us from the amount of times we'd go there, so we'd get some things for free and we'd only had to pay the hotel room.



- How is it good to have some time for ourselves without having Jason behind us. - Kim said leading on her chair taking a sip of her coconut juice.


- Yeah. - I agreed with her not wanting to open my eyes. We were laying by the pool relaxing on a summer Saturday morning.


- Tell me, how is the things between you two? We never spoke again about your loving life.


- It's good. I have nothing to worry about. - I told her sitting up on my chair and i watched her doing the same thing as me. Hope she doesn't asks me about my sex life.


- Did he did the naughty thing with you?- Shit. She was smirking, raising her eyebrow as she always did when she asked me this.That's her reference for sex.


- No he didn't.- I laughed. - And even if we did it you'd be the first one to know, so.


- Hum hum, I bet you would.- She laughed and i smiled leaning my back on the chair closing my eyes. The environment was quite pleasing here. The kids were having fun by jumping to the pool enjoying their summer holidays, their parents were relaxing, taking some time for themselves too like me and Kim were doing. The pool wasn't too crowded, only a few couples with their children and some old ladies were here which was nice.


After our morning spending by the pool, Kim and I decided to go for lunch at some local restaurant. It all went well. My headache didn't came back since last night, and i was feeling better, but once we got to the hotel, Kim went to the receptionist to book us a table for tonight's dinner and i went to our room and had the urge to go to the bathroom. I threw up everything i had eaten at lunch and i felt a wave of sadness hitting me once again. The beast came back without a warning.


- Alex are you okay? - I heard Kim outside our bathroom hotel.


- Yeah, I'll be down in a minute. - I said washing my face.


- Do you want me to get you some water or something?


- Yes, please. - I said grabbing my toothbrush to wash my teeth so i wouldn't taste the vomit in my mouth for the rest of the day. Once Kim was out of the room i took a deep breath and looked myself on the mirror. It had been two weeks since i didn't threw up. It was strange not to do it, since it was a regular routine for me. Everyday i did it. For two weeks, the beast inside of me had been asleep. And now it all came back. The black circles down my eyes, the pale face, the weak feeling and the tiredness.

It all came back.


Deep down i knew something was wrong. Something must be wrong for not throwing up for two weeks and then, all of a sudden, the urge came back again. The feelings came back, the headache came back, the hurting came back. All in a slip second. But why? Maybe it was the thought of having to spend the weekend away from Jason. No. It can't be. I had spent a week without him and i continued throwing up everything i ate. It had to be something. I met Kim downstairs and once she noticed me, she ran towards me and gave me the water bottle.


- You sure you're okay? If you want we can stay here so you can get some rest.- She said while i drank some water.


- No, not at all. I feel fine now. Let's go for a walk. - I said clasping the water bottle and we got out of the hotel. I didn't wanted her to worry about me. I was fine now, and all i needed was to enjoy my day in the streets of NYC. On our tour, we visited some clothing shops, accessories shops, shoes shops and a bookstore.


- I can't find anything interesting in here. - I heard Kim saying while approaching me while i was lost on the literature section.


- Well, i found something really nice here. - I said with a book on my hands.


- Italian Literature. - She said rolling her eyes. - Don't you like something a little more spicy?- she said smiling.


- Uh... No. I think my thing is more like the biggest writers of the Italian history. Not these writers that publish a book when we all now that it's going to be a failure. - I said returning my attention to the book i was reading and she laughed.


- Uh, excuse me... - I looked to my left and saw a tall woman, dressed with a white shirt and black jeans. She was quite pretty. She wore a bit of make up under her glasses.


- I'm sorry for hearing your conversation, but i think i have here something that will please you. - She said looking to Kim. Kim got all excited and went behind Mary - I read her name on her name tag that was on her shirt - and i stayed there enjoying reading some parts of the book, debating with myself weather if i'd buy it or not. Kim joined me after a while with a blue book on her hands. She was reading while she was walking towards me.


- Oh i'm gonna buy this book. - She said not taking her eyes of the book. I reached it to see the title and it read '' The Fifty Shades Of Grey '' by E L James. I frowned thinking about the title and the author. I'm sure the author was a man, and by the cover it might be about some criminal story.


- Oh I... Like this book. - She said closing it. - It tells about a girl who falls in love with a rich hot guy. - She said while we were walking towards the counter to buy our books.


- Clichê. Another book about romance where in the end everything ends up with a marriage.- I said sounding annoying.


- No, this is really good. She told me that it involves a lot of sex and dirty talking. I like that king of stuff. - Kim said pointing to Mary while i was giving her my book so i could pay for it.


- It's true. I read it and it was amazing, I'm in the middle of the second book now. Oh and it talks about BDSM. - She told me while putting my book inside a bag and smiling on the last thing she had said.



- BDSM?- What the hell is that?



- You haven't heard of it? -Mary asked me sounding a little bit shocking. I said no and she proceeded on explaining what 'BDSM' was.


- The D and the D it means Bondage and Discipline, the D and the S it means Dominance and Submission and the S and the M it means sadomasochism. And the couple that do this fells a lot of pleasure. - She said like it was the most normal thing in the world.



- Really? I thought it was other thing... - Kim said. - But i'll buy the book. Who knows i'll learn something. -Kim said all excited giving the book to Mary and i could feel the non-existing food on my stomach wanting to come out. How can that be true? Bondage... What the heck is that? and sadomasochism... Well of course i didn't knew, i'm not an expert in sex. And even if i was, i think i wouldn't know this. The thing that afflicted me the most was the word dominance and submission. I can't imagine being dominated by someone and feeling pleasure with that. I hate being controlled by someone.


- Okay, i think i want to go home. I wanna start reading this. - Kim said excited. We paid the books and headed to the hotel. It was starting to to get really dark and we decided to go take a shower and get dressed so we could go have dinner. Kim wore her blue middle tight dress with her black high wheels, while i wore a black dress that went pass by my knees and my black wheels too. Simple make-up for the both of us, just a bit of an eyeliner and some lip gloss. Once at the hotel restaurant, we ordered our meals while listening to some jazz music.


- Oh look at that guy that just entered the restaurant. - Kim said slowly while looking pass by my shoulders. I turned around to see who it was and a strange feeling invaded me. I don't know what it was but i started to feel really uncomfortable and worse when he looked at me and smiled showing his dimples. I blushed and he continued his way towards the bar. He wore a black suit, blue tie with white shirt. I felt someone touching on my hand.


- What? - I asked Kim turning my head to face her.


- I gotta meet that guy. - She said smiling looking to where the man was, smiling like an idiot.


- Well go for it. I'll be here waiting. - I said and when she was about to get up, the waitress walked to our table.



- Excuse me ladies, but that Sir over there just asked if you would like to join him for a drink. - he asked politely to us.


- Well, i guess we don't. - Kim said and i knew that it was a bad idea. I knew she would ended up getting drunk and ask the man to have sex with her. She is like that when she gets drunk.


- Uh, Kim don't you think that we should finish our meal? - I said wishing she would say yes, so i could think about something else to not let her go to have that drink with that man. I could easily escape. After all, i threw up this morning and that feeling was coming up again now.


- No we don't. We already --


- Kim i have to go to the bathroom. - I said running to the nearest bathroom down the wall. Once inside the cabinet, i closed the door, curved myself on the toilet and i introduced two of my fingers on my mouth and forced the food i had eaten to come out. I still felt something on my stomach so i did the same i did earlier and the rest of the food came out. I flushed the toilet and walked out of the cabinet noticing Kim leaned on the door with her arms crossed.


- Are you sure everything's okay with you? It's the second time you throw up today. - She said while i was walking towards the sink so i could wash my mouth.


- Yeah, everything's fine. Maybe it was something i ate. - I said lying.


- Maybe it was but if you throw up again, we have to go to the hospital, it could be food poisoning. - She said and panicked.



- No, i'm fine now there's no need to go to the hospital. I'll be better tomorrow. - i said thinking that tomorrow it would be the same thing. We got out of the bathroom and we faced with the dimples man, getting out of the bathroom too.


- Miss Patterson. - He said smiling at Kim and i thought that she'd melt on the ground. She was smiling like an idiot again. He walked towards us and a wave of excitement and attraction hit me once he locked his hazel eyes with mines.


- Oh, let me introduce you, my friend Alexis Scali. - I felt Kim lightly touching my arm when she said my name. He smiled and extended his and i placed mine on his hand and he lightly kissed her, not taking his eyes from mine.


- It's a pleasure to meet you Miss Scali. - he said showing his dimples and i felt attracted to him, even thought i didn't knew who he was.


- You too Mr... - I scurried off.


- Sanders. - He replied.


- Mr Sanders . - I said curving my head to greet him and he smiled showing his dimples again and his eyes glowed once i said his name like he enjoyed hearing me saying his last name. What a wired guy.