Jimmy and I didn't talk about what had happened for a long time, it was a touchy subject with me. We grew closer and closer for the next couple of months. It's January now, my dad came back for a bit, but he had to go back to Florida to check up on my grandmother, and it's still really cold outside. Jimmy and I are really close now, closer than I've ever allowed myself to be with someone, we're better friends than me and Alex were and I've known her since the 6th grade. We text constantly, and I've already been a lot of Avenged shows, and he's been talking to me about this band he and Brian have been working on called Pinkly Smooth, I kinda like it more than Avenged Sevenfold actually. I'm actually comfortable around him, most of the time. But I know all we'll ever be is friends, I know he doesn't like me that way and I'm okay with it, if we dated and I lost him I don't know what I'd do. I'd rather be best friends with him forever than be his girlfriend for a year, because that's how long it would last. I let him keep the book because he loved it more than I did, and I love when he's happy.
My anger was getting better, but it was still bad. But I didn't really bruise again so Jimmy didn't know, and if I did bruise I made it a priority to wear long pants. He'll never see what happens to me late at night when my thoughts tear me apart. He'll back away and never come back if he knows how messed up I am. I just know it.
Today's January 8th, so tomorrow's my birthday. Thank god it landed on a Sunday so I don't have to go to that prison on my birthday. I woke up on the Saturday before my birthday at around 9 am, early for once. My phone was vibrating on my nightstand over and over again until I answered it, it was Jimmy.
"I'm in the driveway." He stated and hung up on me. We were at that point in the friendship where he would just show up without calling or texting, unfortunately. I put on my glasses and walked down stairs in my pajamas to let him in. I opened the door to find him grinning down at me.
"Nice PJ's." he laughed.
"Shut up." I told him.
"So. What are we gonna do tomorrow?" He asked as he shut the front door behind him.
"Nothing." I stated blatantly.
"But it's your birthday!" He exclaimed.
"So?" I asked.
"So we should throw a party!" He grinned.
"I hate parties." I said to him and he frowned. "Sorry." I apologized.
"It's okay, but please? Not even a small party?" He pleaded.
"Why do you want to so bad?" I asked him.
"Because you're my friend and you deserve and awesome birthday." He smiled.
"Okay, no party but you and the guys, and Alex can come over and hang out if my sister's okay with it." I told him.
"Okay! Cool!" He smiled at me.
"Well I'm gonna go change, if my sister comes out just um... Try not to get yelled at." I joked as I went upstairs.
I changed into some ripped, baggy jeans, my KoRn tank top, fingerless gloves and my chucks. I went over to my mirror to put my makeup on and got it out. I put on a thick layer of eyeliner, mascara some dark red lipstick. I looked decent enough. I walked back downstairs to find my sister talking to Jimmy. 'Oh god.' I thought to myself.
"Hey." I said quietly.
"Oh there you are!" Vicky exclaimed. "So Jimmy tells me you were thinking of having some friends over for your birthday?" She asked me. I shot Jimmy a look, I didn't want to ask her NOW.
"Um yeah, just a few friends, I didn't want like a party or anything." I said to her.
"That's fine." She told me.
"Thanks, are you gonna be here?" I asked her.
"Maybe for a little while but I need to go to dinner with my boss and his wife." She told me.
"Oh, Okay." I said emotionless. She left the house to run errands and I could breathe again.
"God I wish I could just live alone." I said to Jimmy when she left.
"It's okay, one day you'll be free." He smiled.
"I'm almost glad she's not gonna be here, less tension." I laughed. "And this way we can invite anyone we want." I added.
"I thought you only wanted a little bit of people to come over." He said.
"I don't care anymore, you can invite whoever you want." I told him.
"Um okay." Jimmy smiled. "I'll be over tomorrow before everyone else, okay?" He confirmed as he began to walk out the door.
"Okay, see ya tomorrow." I said as I shut the door behind him.
I was so angry, I didn't want to throw a party, I didn't want to make anyone come over and suffer with me. "Everyone's going to get bored of you." I thought as I ran up to my room and slammed the door. I went into my bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. "You try so hard to paint your face all pretty, but you'll always be ugly." I thought to myself as I smeared the eyeliner wit my hand trying to rub it away. "And everyone is going to see that, sooner or later, everyone will see the real you." I thought and slid down to the ground. I started crying into my hands. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy anymore?" I said to myself in between breaths. Punching wasn't the only thing I would do to myself, I just did it the most. I would scratch at my skin until the skin broke and then I would pick the scabs when I got angry at myself, I still have a scar on my wrist from doing that too many times once. I never really cut myself though, only a couple times on my hips and upper thighs, where no one could see, but that was years ago, they're just scars now. I laid on the bathroom floor with my wet face buried in my hands. I wasn't mad at Jimmy, I could never be, in fact what he was doing was really sweet. But I didn't want him to think that he had to, or that anyone had to come I don't want anyone to have to be around me for that long, I'm too annoying for that. Jimmy will see how ugly and annoying I am and get sick of me, what he sees now of me is just a mere illusion.
You're probably wondering what caused me to be so fucked up, well its story time kids! Let's start with my parents. Let's just say things didn't exactly work out between them, they were constantly screaming at each other and slamming things around, to this day when people yell at me it causes me to have extreme anxiety problems. My dad is the most awesome guy you'll ever meet, I'll never understand why my mother broke up with him. They broke up when I was 5, they never officially got married so they didn't have to get divorced. My mom acts like it never happened, it didn't affect her the way it affected my dad. When you see your dad cry while your mom already has a new boyfriend, it kinda fucks with your mind at 5 years old. It made me stop believing in loving someone forever, that at any moment the person you love and that you think loves you could get sick of you, and leave, without ever looking back. I lived with my dad for most of my life and now he's always away so I have to stay with Victoria. My sister was nicer back then, I guess she felt bad for me, or maybe she knew how badly this would mess me up but she'd always cover my ears when they started screaming, even though I could still hear them.
I don't know why I hate myself so much, sometimes I'm scared that I might have a mental illness or something... Well at least I can drink my sorrows away at this party tonight or at least fake a smile for Jimmy...

Notes

sorry if it was kind of depressing or boring >_< but comment please? :3