We were sat around a campfire as dusk fell, eating warm tins of beans and crackers.
“I really hate that beans is such a go-to now. They’re, like, my least favourite food,” Hallie complained.
“Doesn’t seem to be affecting you that badly, though,” I smirked, as she shovelled another spoonful in. It was our first hot meal in a long time, and it was bliss. We weren’t even having to share, there was more than enough for us to fill ourselves to the point of bursting. The whole community had gathered, save for one or two who were guarding the perimeter. Altogether, there were 23 people living here. They all seemed well nourished, happy and thriving, something that amazed me.
“Where’d you get all this stuff?” Hallie asked Coralee, through a mouthful of cracker.
Coralee smiled at her, despite her looking less than attractive. Hallie was the youngest person here, though not the only teen, and Coralee seemed to look fondly upon her for it.
“There’s a lot of us here,” she began, “so naturally, we have the opportunity to work together and find as much food as we need. Supply runs are much easier when you have double the scavengers. The more, the merrier, as they say. We grow our own vegetables as well, which helps of course.”
“Sounds like you have a pretty good system here,” I remarked.
“We get by,” Coralee smiled. “We could certainly do with a hand with the farming, which is where you come in while you’re staying with us. Why don’t you get to know Jesse over there after dinner? He’s our main farmhand, he can fill you in. He’ll show you to your room as well.”
“Sure thing,” I nodded, looking over to find Jesse. He gave me a single wave, before going back to his food. He was a little older than me, maybe 30, and muscular. His skin was sun kissed, presumably from hours of outside work, and he sported tousled, dirty blonde waves. He looked friendly enough, as did most of the community here. They were definitely wary of our arrival though, particularly mine. I suppose there’s not much an unarmed 9 year old could do, but a 27 year old with a knife could do some damage and they definitely kept that in mind as they watched me closely at all times.

“Hey, Jesse,” I called after him once we’d finished. People were beginning to disperse, some floating off towards the houses, some staying behind to help clear up.
“Hi,” he greeted, “Marina, right?”
“That’s right.” I smiled, eager to set out on the right foot and earn trust. “So, what will I be doing for you tomorrow?”
“Ready for some hard graft?” he asked, rolling his shoulders.
“What’ve we got?” I asked, cocking my head to one side.
“Planting, lots of it,” he replied, setting off towards the house, “come on.”
“Hal,” I called out, as she came jogging over to my side. “Let’s go.”
We fell into step beside Jesse, who began reeling off an extremely long list of what I’d be helping them to plant the next day.
“-potatoes and sweet potatoes, tomatoes, lettuce… Uh, I think that’s it,” he faltered, looking up at the skies as though they might offer more vegetables to add to his list.
“So, you’re planting everything known to man then?” Hallie asked, cheekily.
“Hallie!” I scolded, laughing nervously at Jesse, “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged, “It’s cool. My son has just about grown out of that phase now, it only took 10 years.”
“You have a son here?” I asked, trying to pick through the faces that had been at dinner for a likeness to him.
“Yep, sure do. You came in with him.”
“Cole is your son?” I said slowly, looking to him for confirmation.
“That’s right,” he nodded, before adding quietly, “did he behave himself?”
“Well, we never ran into any problems,” I smiled, as Jesse looked thoughtful.
“That’s good. He’s been getting himself into some trouble lately, teenage rebellion and all that. Cora keeps him in line, though.”
“I noticed,” I replied, thinking back over Coralee and Cole’s interactions.

We approached one of the buildings and Jesse led us inside and up the stairs. He poked his head around one of the doors to check the room was empty.
“Yep, this one’s yours,” he confirmed as he reappeared. “I’m afraid you’re sharing.”
“That’s okay. We’re very grateful.” I thanked him and looped an arm around Hallie as we entered the room we’d been offered. It was small with just a single bed, but we were more than happy with that. Hallie dived onto it and spread out her arms and legs with a giggle.
“I’m stuffed,” she exclaimed, rubbing her stomach with glee. “I don’t even care that it’s with beans. I can’t remember the last time we ate like that.”
I grinned at her contentedness, before giving her a shove, “Move up.”
“You can sleep on the floor,” she giggled, poking her tongue out. She spread herself out further, trying to cover as much of the bed as she could.
“Guess you’re getting squashed then,” I shrugged, threatening to roll down onto her. She quickly shuffled up with a laugh as I took my place next to her. I turned over to face her and laid an arm over her, giving her a quick squeeze.
“We can sleep safely tonight,” I smiled as she looked over at me.
“We can,” she murmured, already sleepy. Her brow furrowed for a moment and she looked up at me. “Auntie Maz? I almost forgot Mom for a bit tonight.”
I studied her face. She was clearly confused about this, conflicted about how she was supposed to feel.
“It’s ok,” I reassured her, as she pursed her lips. “It doesn’t mean you don’t love her, or you’re not sad. Sometimes, we just need to think about looking after ourselves. I promise your mom wouldn’t be sad that you thought about beans for a few minutes.”
She smiled lightly, allowing me to soothe her racing conscience for long just long enough so that she could fall asleep.

Jimmy was sat at the end of the bed as I roused.
“You’re back?” I mumbled, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.
“I never left,” he grinned, before slapping my leg.
“Ow, what was that for?” I grumbled. He slapped my leg again as I covered my eyes with my arm.
“You need to get up. Don’t you know what time it is?” he sighed, exasperatedly, slapping me once more.
“Can you stop doing that?” I groaned.
“Or you could get up?”
“You… sound like Hallie?” I blinked, groggily pulling my arm away.
“What are you talking about? Of course I sound like Hallie, I am Hallie,” she replied, coming into focus as I squinted at her. She landed a slap on my leg.
“Where’d Jimmy go?” I asked, looking around the room as I waved her away.
She rolled her eyes, “He’s downstairs. He was never here. Honestly, are you still drunk?”
“No,” I protested, though I wasn’t 100% sure on the matter. “I must have just been dreaming or something.”
“Now you’re dreaming about him?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “Why don’t you just marry him?”
“Shut up,” I mumbled, blushing at her suggestion.
“Are you getting up?” she persisted, tapping her foot impatiently.
“What time is it?” I asked, trying to sit up. My mouth tasted disgusting, and I felt like I’d been hit over the back of the head with a saucepan. It was all the persuasion I needed to lay back down and die.
“Marina,” Hallie chided, “it’s seven in the evening.”
“Did you just use my name to tell me off?” I asked, opening one eye at her.
She sniffed at me, “Yes, I did. Did it work?”
“No,” I replied, flatly, rolling over.
“Fine, whatever,” she huffed, stomping out of the room. Her thudding footsteps were not sitting well with my pounding head.

I pulled the pillow over my head with a groan. I’d slept forever and now woken up paying the price for my impulsive drinking session with Brian. Oh god. And I’d let Jimmy help me pee. And then… then I’d let him kiss me. Oh. Okay, then. I could deal with this, surely. I was not going to freak out. It was just a kiss. A fucking amazing kiss. With fireworks and butterflies and all those other clichés. I shoved the pillow away and sat up, pressing my palms into my eyes as the excruciating pain split through my head. I let out a long moan, as though that might help. Not only was I hungover, I was confused as hell. I wasn’t sure where this left me and Jimmy. I don’t know why I’d even encouraged him and then I'd let him do it. How was this supposed to work between us? My mind went into overdrive. I dropped my head with a groan. I told him he was pretty and gave me butterflies. Oh god. And everyone knows that drunk people don’t lie. Still, as I was searching around in the depths of my humiliation, I couldn’t find any regret. In fact, quite the opposite. There was an elation fizzing in the pit of my stomach, bubbling up, threatening to put a smile on my face. I felt like I was 13 again, with a crush. Picking my head up, I swung my legs out of bed, trying to ignore the impending explosion of my brain. I had to face real life, and Jimmy, at some point; it might as well be now.

I ran my fingers through my hair, assuming it looked okay. I wasn’t about to head to the mirror right now and obliterate the tiny piece of happiness that I had managed to grab hold of. I descended the stairs very slowly, mostly due to my brain not coping with moving faster than snail’s pace, but also because I was terrified of seeing Jimmy. What if he regretted it? What if it was a joke? What if he’d told everyone? As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I pegged them all in the lounge, and in typical Marina fashion, I ran in the opposite direction through the kitchen, until I found myself outside. The evening air was cool and sobering... And dizzying. I flopped onto a sun lounger to wallow in a pool of regret at my alcohol consumption. I’d forgotten what hangovers felt like, and this was not a welcome reminder. I closed my eyes, letting the ocean breeze refresh me. It soothed my head and restored a small amount of peace to my mind. I could handle this, I was twenty…eight? Nine? Regardless, I was old enough to navigate a pre-relationship, drunken kiss, right?
“I thought I heard you come down.”
My eyes snapped open and, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I jumped to my feet.
“Jimmy!” I exclaimed, flustered as he caught me off guard.
“The one and only,” he grinned, moving towards me. I freaked out and took a step backwards, stumbling slightly.
He gave me an odd look, “I don’t know whether that was hilarious or offensive. Scared of me now or something?”
“Terrified,” I laughed nervously, with a shaky smile. “I’m just confused. No! Not confused. Uh…”
“Sober?” he offered, amused at my muddling.
“Almost,” I admitted, sheepishly. “I don’t know, I’m just…”
“Regretting it?” he filled in, quietly, casting his gaze off to the ocean to avoid mine.
“Jimmy,” I almost whispered, “Of course not.”
My words restored some of his confidence. He stepped closer to me and instead of backing off, I moved towards him.
“Well, that’s a relief. I... was hoping to try it again,” he said softly, with a hint of a mischievous grin. He made another step, so he was right next to me.
“Jimmy,” I bit my lip, looking away. “This is not a good idea.”
He jerked to a stop, as though my words had slapped him. Time seemed to freeze around us as he processed the impact of my sting.
“Why?” he uttered, looking like I’d just stabbed him. I blinked at the tears that were forming, trying to keep them away.
“Do you realise how fucked I am, Jimmy? Shall I remind you? Did you not see me mutilating my own skin?” I blurted, causing him to wince. “Did you not hear the cruel words I said to you? You think I won’t do that again? I’m a horrible person, Jimmy, and now I’m reaping what I’ve sown.”
“Marina,” he whispered, reaching out to me.
“Don’t touch me!” I pleaded in a panic, slapping his hand away. “Everyone that I love dies and I can’t do it again, especially not to another person who doesn’t deserve it.”
“Come here,” he ordered, firmly, though he didn’t wait for me to comply. He moved in and wrapped his arms around my tense body, holding me tightly until I loosened up and leaned into his chest. As I relaxed, the tears came and my knees gave way. Jimmy seemed already prepared for this and lowered me down to the floor gently, where he knelt beside me, still holding me close to him.

He patiently waited for my tears to stop. It took a while, but eventually they slowed, and then dried up. We sat beside each other in silence for a moment as I gathered my thoughts.
“I didn’t mean to say all that,” I mumbled. “I’m sorry. You’ve caught me at a bad moment.”
“We’ve all got stuff to work through,” he replied, simply, forgivingly.
“Jimmy, you need to listen to me. You need to stay away,” I began, but he cut me off.
“I don’t want to stay away,” he argued, gently. “Marina, what’s the point in living if we don’t actually live? Are you going to spend your life hiding away from the world in case something happens?”
“Things have happened,” I countered, looking up at him.
“Things are always going to happen, that’s how life works,” he retorted.
I heaved a sigh, “You don’t understand.”
“I’m trying to,” he insisted, “I’m here right now, listening.”
“I don’t want you to understand,” I shot at him, raising my voice. “I don’t want to let you in, Jimmy.”
“That’s not how it looked earlier,” he disputed, pursing his lips.
I pushed him away forcefully, “Fuck you.”
Those two little words hung in the air, sharp as a knife. They sliced at me spitefully, so I knew they must have hurt Jimmy too. He fell quiet, and instead of fighting back, he stood to make a wordless departure. I got to my feet and watched him walk away, the inner conflict of my mind raging in my ears.

“Jimmy,” I called as he got to the door. I don’t know if it was hope or kindness that made him turn, but he gave me his attention. I ran over, stopping short just in front of him. “Please don’t go.”
He nodded, not saying a word, waiting on me to make the first move. His cerulean eyes pierced into me, urging me silently to say something.
“This is… I don’t know how to… I’ve got secrets." I finally managed. "Secrets that eat away at me. I feel like I’ve been left with these festering wounds from them, and it taints everything I have left. I’m scared that it'll taint you as well,” I cast my eyes down to the floor, desperate for him to understand.
“Tell me,” he replied, flatly.
“What?”
“Tell me what it is that’s so bad,” he repeated, moving a hand up to my cheek. “I hate that it hurts you, Marina.”
“I…” I faltered in my confession, looking up at him with pained eyes. With little hesitation, he dipped his head down and briefly pressed his lips to mine. When he pulled back, his eyes were so full of warmth that they melted the icy wall I'd put up. The breath I’d been holding in my chest leaked out, my mouth twisting into an apologetic grimace at what I was about to say to him.
“I killed Hallie’s sister,” I breathed out, my lip trembling.
“What?” came a small voice from behind Jimmy. My heart froze, and as he turned, I saw her. She was fixed in the centre of the kitchen, her arms clutching her tiny frame as she looked at me with pained betrayal.
“What did you say?”

Notes

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