Through All the Dust

The room was cloaked in darkness. It hung against the walls like thick drapery, pouring down into the floorboards.
My eyes blinked with fatigue as I tried to rationalize my sudden waking. The soft hum of a violin flooded through the crack at the bottom of my door. With a quick glance at the clock, which read 3:16, I was curious to know who else was up. And why they’d felt it was appropriate to blast tunes at such a sickening hour.
As I shuffled my feet away from my sleeping husband, still purring into his pillow, I took a second to ensure Brody hadn’t been disturbed by all the racket. He hadn’t. I smiled faintly, readjusting his blue pajamas. He was less than a week old and already looked so much like Brian.
I stepped into the hallway, careful to close the door as quietly as I could. The music was deafening once you got into the open house. My steps were instantly more calculated, hurriedly transporting me to berate the drunken idiot that was currently working toward waking the entire house. If they woke up Owen, I told myself I’d kill them. He was the loudest baby in the history of all children.
My eyes burned as all the light in the galaxy shimmered against my retinas. I squinted, throwing a hand against my brows to shield myself from the iridescence. When I finally dared to try and adjust once more, the wind was knocked from my lungs.
“Hey there,” he grinned at me.
I stammered, taking side steps as I eyed the intruder suspiciously.
“It’s been a long and, at times, treacherous journey,” he smiled. “I had to fight a baby cow at one point. It was some crazy shit. But I made it. You’re a hard woman to track down, Blair Peterson.”
I blinked.
“What?” he asked nervously. “What’s with your face?”
I tossed my inhibitions aside and ran toward my love. With the agility of a hare, I leaped from my feet and into his arms, which caught me as easily as ever.
“I’ve missed you so much,” I sighed heavily into his neck, meeting the black lines with a relieved familiarity.
“I’ve missed you too,” Jimmy breathed, tightening his arms around my rib cage.
A place of hope and no pain. Perfect skies with no rain.
“You’re going to wake the neighborhood,” I scolded, recouping my senses as I removed myself from his comfort and turned the knob of the stereo.
“Buzz kill,” he groaned, rolling his perfectly blue eyes as he sank down onto the couch.
I climbed atop him, abandoning boundaries as I straddled his hips and pushed my palms to his chest.
“A little forward, Blair. Even for you,” he smirked.
I laughed softly, “I just need to look at you.”
He hadn’t changed at all. He store wore that same confident grin, those same playful gleams danced in his eyes, he was as young as ever.
“Stop,” he chuckled; music to my ears.
He pushed me off but didn’t let me fall far, pulling my head into his chest. We lay there quietly for a few minutes, I strained to listen to his heartbeat but came up with nothing but silence.
I pray, by the grace of god, that there’s somebody listening.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” he whispered, drawing tiny circles into my arm with one of his long fingers.
“Late for what?”
I am broken. I am choking on this ecstasy.
He shrugged, “Everything.”
“You’re right on time, Jim,” I assured him sleepily, nuzzling further into him.
“The whole gangs here, huh?”
I nodded.
“It takes a village or what?” he smiled.
“So it would seem,” I yawned. “Your spawn lets us get no rest.”
He laughed, “Good!”
“He’s lucky he’s so damn cute,” I teased.
“He’s the most beautiful human I’ve ever seen,” Jimmy said fondly. “Second only to his mother.”
I smiled.
“I hear you cooked up a playmate for my son,” Jimmy grinned, glancing down at me.
I grimaced, “Please don’t say cooked up.”
“What’s his name?”
“Brody Saint James,” I replied. “Haner...in case that wasn’t implied heavily enough for you.”
Jimmy's face fell as I gazed upon him.
“I hate that I missed it.”
I bit at my lip, “Brody?”
He nodded, “And your wedding. By time I got there....I’m sorry.”
“We missed you,” I told him seriously. “We’ve been missing you...All this time.”
Give me your hand but realized I just want to say goodbye.
“I know,” he sighed, clearing his throat before hopping up from the couch.
My body fell into the cushions, a dissatisfied groan sounding from my exhausted throat.
Jimmy laughed, extending his hand to me with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup.
“Dance with me, Blair Peterson,” he instructed me warmly.
I smiled, happily taking his hand into mine. He pulled my body to his as we swayed in the twilight. The world faded away as I rest my eyes into his.
“Blair,” he said and then stopped.
I urged him without words.
Images of broken light, which dance before me like a million eyes. They call me on and on, across the universe.
“I didn’t mean to,” he said slowly, eyeing me up for understanding. “I...It wasn’t...I didn’t....”
I smiled, nodding subtly, “I know.”
“I’m so fucking sorry,” he frowned.
“Me too,” I croaked.
His hands burrowed deeper into my skin; I was sure the tips of his fingers would leave bruises. I didn’t mind.
“Tell me about Brody,” he said quickly, removing all pain from his throat. “The world’s luckiest fuckin’ kid.”
We moved our hips together slowly, lulling time to a standstill as I told Jimmy all about the newest love of my life. He listened intently, assuring me that he’d taken the chance to look him over and he was sure he’d end up my twin.
“He’s going to get your green eyes,” Jimmy grinned. “I’m telling you.”
I shrugged, “My money’s on brown.”
“You’re on, Peterson,” he challenged me happily. “Shit, Haner. That’s fuckin weird, dude. I’ll never get used to saying it.”
“Well you better,” I smirked. It’s forever, right?”
He narrowed his eyes, “It better be! You guys have to keep each other going! I know that I was, really, the only thing in your lives worth living for. Like the sun. Your worlds revolved around me. How do you get up in the morning?”
“I don’t,” I replied more seriously than I think he called for. “I’ve been a waste of a soul since you died.”
The d-word caught him off guard. He faltered momentarily, sheltering his burden to save me from my grief. His hips stopped.
His fingers cupped my face as his eyes burned into my core.
“I know you have a tendency to fly off the fuckin’ deep end,” he spoke. “And I know that if roles were reversed, I’d lose my fucking mind. But...You’re everything to Brian. I asked you before and I’m going to ask you again... Please don’t do that to my best friend.”
“I’m not doing anything,” I assured him.
He studied me thoroughly, “I don’t just mean Brian. I need you to figure out how to love yourself, man. Life is...short. And you only get one. Please don’t waste it on trivial bullshit...You aren’t immortal, Blair. You’re still breathing. With or without me, you’re worth everything.”
“I miss when you were upbeat,” I tried to tease, feeling like my soul was being inflicted with knives.
“I just need you to hear me,” he shrugged. “I need you to know how much I love you. How much I’ve always loved you. You’ll always be the sun to me, Blair Peterson.”
I smirked, “Stop with the full name shit.”
“Do you hear me?” he asked as seriously as ever.
I nodded reluctantly, “I hear you, Jim.”
He released his hold on my face.
“You’re the best friend I ever had,” I told him. “You saved me all those years ago...and then every day afterwards. It’s like the sun’s gone away for the last year and I’ve been left in the rain. You used to be like my umbrella.”
“How cute,” he teased.
Beauty I’d always missed with these eyes before. Just what the truth is, I can’t say anymore.
“I’m sorry that I let you be the reason I lost control.”
Jimmy frowned with a heavy sigh, “I’m sorry I was the reason. I was supposed to protect you...I couldn’t protect myself.”
“It’s okay,” I offered.
He shook his head, “It’s not...But there’s nothing to do now.”
“I wish I could go back,” I told him, resting my head against his chest as we swayed again. “I’d save you.”
“You did save me,” he smiled down at me. “My life would have been so lame without you. It was fate to meet you that day. You were my destiny and shit.”
I grinned, “How cute.”
“You can’t change fate,” he said lowly. “So don’t feel so bad.”
I laughed, “Enjoy it while you can, it’s just like the weather.”
“That’s right,” Jimmy laughed back. “No one lives forever.”
When we grew tired of our impromptu dance party, we moved the party to the couch. I told him everything I knew about Owen and about Lauren. I told him about the awards I’d won and the tour I’d done. He was curious about Nightmare and was thrilled to hear of their tour. His excitement relieved me deeply. I’d been so worried I was encouraging them blindly to continue.
'Cause I love you. Yes, I love you. Oh, how I love you.
We stretched ourselves out, cuddling close as the moon beamed from high in the sky.
My eyes fluttered with a fury as I struggled to keep them open. Jimmy’s fingers were running through my hair as my heart began to slow, my breathing evened as I felt myself drifting into an exhausted sleep.
“You’re going to be okay,” he told me quietly. “Things are going to be better.”
I nodded through my fatigue.
“I’ll always be here, you know,” he said. “Keeping you from dying in car wrecks and shit. You seriously need glasses by the way. Can you fuckin do that already?”
I yawned, eyes closed, “Mhm.”
He laughed softly, pulling me closer into himself.
“I will always fuckin’ love you,” Jimmy whispered. “Thanks for being the best friend of a lifetime.”
I smiled faintly, “I’ll love you forever.”
“Let’s live forever, right?” he said as I felt a finger slide down the tattoo on my back.
Before I could nod or offer some smart-ass defense for having him permanently carved into my body, consciousness slipped away.
I awoke an hour later to a screaming Owen. Lauren whizzed by me, a look of determination fastened to her delicate features as she and Owen rounded the corner into the kitchen.
It took me a second to work out how I’d gotten to the couch. But as I sat up, I was confused. Maybe I was still half asleep.
“Blair,” Lauren’s voice snapped as she reappeared and noted my new position. “Next time you have a late night party for one, can you turn this shit down? You’re staying up with him!”
The music from the stereo further enraged her as she dropped Owen, and a bottle of formula, into my tired lap. She clicked off the power to the speakers before slipping back into the darkness down the hall.
“I guess it’s just me and you, Owen,” I half-laughed, still in a daze.
As Owen sucked at his formula, I found myself working through my newfound reality. Had I slept walked? It wasn’t the first time I’d had a dream about Jimmy, that was for sure...But somehow this felt...real. I dismissed it as exhaustion, placing a bit of the blame onto the sweet boy in my arms’ shoulders.
I let myself smile at the memory, though. Remembering Brian’s advice to enjoy it; embrace the chance to see our friend again. No matter the realness.
I sighed, missing Jimmy more than ever.
The weirdest part of it all was that after that night, I never saw him again.

Notes

Jimmy </3


It's been brought to my attention recently that I apparently have just skipped ahead a billion chapters and randomly numbered my shit out of order. I had no idea. I'm making absolutely no effort to fix it. Did anyone else notice that?! My brain sometimes, I swear to Johnny Christ...

But Jimmy. :(

One or two chapters left and then I think we're done.

xx