Through All the Dust

Two weeks had passed, and we still hadn’t told anyone about our engagement. I was careful not to wear my ring around anyone that knew us—or anyone with a camera. Most often, when I had to leave the comfort of our home, I’d wear it on the other hand and bury it with other jewelry.
Brian didn’t understand my hesitation…but I needed to postpone the face I knew Lauren would make when I told her. It felt a little bit like moving on and I wasn’t sure she was ready to hear she was the only one left behind.
And it didn’t feel entirely real.
The only person that did know, was Brian’s father. We’d swung by his house the following day to assure him that everything was fine once more in paradise. Brian had spilled the beans in all of his excitement. Brian Senior was a little confused at first but absolutely thrilled when I assured him that it was serious.
I still wasn’t entirely convinced Brian wasn’t replacing the loss of Jimmy with my hand in marriage.
But maybe I was doing the same thing.
It didn’t matter. As the days went on and Brian’s excitement for the future maintained itself, mine grew. We hadn’t even talked about a single wedding detail, but I was perfectly okay with a long engagement. Everyone needed time to adjust.
Matt’s future wife didn’t feel that need though, since they were set to be hitched in April. Lauren was brave about it and lied and said she was looking forward to it. She was a real stand up girl.
As I approached her door with bags full of groceries, I quickly slid my ring to the other hand. She pulled the door open before I’d even had a chance to knock.
“We need to talk,” she said to me, she looked pissed.
I carried the bags inside and set them down on her kitchen counter as she came in like a madman, tossing a rolled up magazine at me. It hit the counter with a splat, unrolling itself and displaying me on the front cover—with my giant emerald blown up for the world to see.
I’d thought I was so clever.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me?” she asked knowingly, hands on her hips.
I took up the magazine, my white-knuckled fists almost tearing it in half.
“Fuck me,” I grumbled.
“I beg your pardon,” she half-laughed.
“This,” I sighed, throwing the magazine back down. “Is definitely not how I wanted you to find out.”
Her jaw fell a little and she twisted her head, “So...It’s true?”
“Yeah,” I nodded once. “It’s true.”
“You’re getting married?” she asked. “You and Brian are getting married?”
“Yes.”
At first she looked stunned but it quickly changed to pure thrill. She bounded to me, wrapping her arms around my neck and squeezing me tightly. This was not the reaction I’d anticipated.
“Congratulations!” she beamed in my ear.
I laughed awkwardly, “Thanks.”
She let me go to scold me, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“We haven’t told anyone,” I shrugged. “I just didn’t think—I wanted more time.”
She sat me down and took the stool next to me, shaking her head in confusion, “Aren’t you happy?”
“Of course I’m happy,” I snickered. “But…It just…I don’t know.”
“You do know,” she encouraged. “There’s definitely a reason you wouldn’t tell me something like this—and I’m not exactly happy about finding out from some tabloid.”
“I didn’t want you to feel…like I was rubbing it in your face…or something,” I faltered, looking away from her.
She took a deep breath, “Okay. I get it. But you should know me better than that—”
“I do,” I defended. “But that doesn’t mean that I wanted to hurt you.”
“I’m not hurt,” she smiled. “Thanks for thinking about my feelings though.”
I just nodded.
“So, did he do it like he’d planned?” she asked nosily, stepping up to grab a glass of water.
My face dropped, “What do you mean, like he planned?”
She giggled, “He and Jimmy were planning it for months.”
I’d honestly thought Brian had made it up. I thought he’d said it to convince me that it was fine—that there was no harm in moving on with our lives because Jimmy had been all for the change.
My heart flipped inside my chest.
“Are you kidding?” I managed.
“No,” she smirked, setting herself back down. “Jimmy was so excited. I sort of hoped that excitement might extend to his plans with me…but ya know.”
“Sorry,” I frowned.
“No, no,” she waved. “So? How’d he do it?”
“He waited until we had a huge fight,” I laughed. “He fucked off for three days—and came back with a ring.”
Her eyes widened and she reached out, grabbing my hand with expert force. Granted, I’d switched the ring around—so, I took mercy and handed her my right hand.
“It’s so much more beautiful than I remember,” she gushed.
“You’ve…seen it?”
She smiled, “Sure have. Brian had Jimmy stash it away.”
“So, Jimmy had seen my ring?” I asked, feeling like my emotions might run rampant over my soul any second. “He knew we’d be getting married?”
She nodded happily, “He was so excited.”
I couldn’t help myself. I started bawling like a baby.
It wasn’t necessarily out of sadness…maybe it was relief. I’d been hanging onto this guilt about accepting a proposal, feeling like I was leaving my friend behind…but all along, he’d been a part of it. Jimmy always knew everything. I shouldn’t have been so surprised.
“Oh, Blair,” Lauren frowned, wiping at my tears. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
I tried to smile, “I’m okay, really.”
“B…” she sighed.
“I’m sorry,” I laughed oddly, wiping at my embarrassing tears. “I’m just—I’m really, really fucking happy to hear that.”
“To hear what? That Jimmy had your ring?” she giggled awkwardly.
I just nodded.
“Even if he hadn’t known,” she said slowly, reading my mind as always. “He would have been so happy for you both. He loved the two of you so much…”
“I know,” I sniffled.
She hesitated before giving me a little grin, “I know that it’s early—probably much too early—but Jimmy and I had talked briefly about a plan for this baby—before…you know…”
“Okay.”
“It’s just even more perfect now that you’ll be Mrs. Haner,” she smiled fondly.
“Remind me to circle back to that later,” I smirked.
She took a deep breath, “We would like you and Brian to be godparents to the baby.”
“But I’m not religious,” I said awkwardly.
She laughed, “I don’t care. Just lie! It was important to Jimmy—and it’s important to me. You and Bri are the best people I know…And since Baby only has one of us left, if something happens to me…”
“Don’t,” I stopped her, putting a hand on her leg.
She shrugged, “I’m just saying—I’d like to know that they’re taken care of.”
I smiled at my friend, really feeling the love we shared in that exact moment. It was then that I was really thankful that Jimmy had brought her around all that time ago—and that she’d hated Brian so much. It had made it that much more satisfying when they finally developed a bond.
“I’d be honored,” I said finally, giving her leg a little squeeze.
“Okay good,” she exhaled in relief. “Because I don’t have any other friends to ask.”
While she went on about how she really should broaden her friend circle—not that I wasn’t good enough on my own—it occurred to me that if Lauren had found out about my engagement…Other people would be finding out soon too.
I wanted to avoid a repeat of the last time news broke about me and my loved ones had to find out through a medium of journalism.
Guess I was headed for Massachusetts—a phone call really just wasn’t a good way to tell someone you were getting married.
And just like that, suddenly it was real.

Notes

xx