Through All the Dust

I pushed myself into the crushing blue, despite the cold nipping at my torso. Once I was deep enough that I could hardly touch, I brought my legs up to float. And I stayed that way.
I was almost wishing that the ocean would overcome my tired body and take me down to the bottom to live amongst the rocks. Or maybe I could swim as far out and then as far down as humanly possible—far enough that I wouldn’t be able to swim back up in time. My lungs would fill themselves greedily with salted water and the world would be at peace. I’d heard it’s peaceful to drown…
But the idea made me queasy. I couldn’t picture a more terrible way to go.
And when I caught myself fantasizing about it; I knew that I was in trouble. I knew it, sure…but I didn’t really care. Maybe it was all about understanding. This weight was crushing and I’d only been shepherding it for a fraction of a life…Tyler had carried this around with him throughout his entirety. That notion was sickening.
What if this was my life now? What if this was all it would be? Drifting around in the ocean, imagining I was dead.
What a life that would be…
All I could think of was Jimmy. He plagued my mind nearly every second of every day. I missed him so much that it hurt—it physically hurt. It was like walking around with a thorn stuck just beneath the skin of your heel. No one could see it—no one could understand why you were limping around….but you could feel it. You knew.
My mind drifted away as I floated, to better places; to better times…before everything had capsized itself. I’d finally found a tranquil place to rest my head following Tyler’s death…Things were finally starting to smooth themselves out…I was sure I’d never recover from losing Jimmy.
The soul mate theory was an interesting concept to me. If someone had asked me if it was Brian, I’d have to disagree. Granted, if we’re talking soul mates as a romantic notion as they’re widely believed to be—someone who compliments you and can read you like a book—then, sure…Brian was my soul mate without question.
But if you want my opinion—if soul mates exist—that’s not what it’s about. That can’t be it. A soul mate to me is recognizing your soul in another. If we’re all made up of star dust and energy, then that must go somewhere when we die, right? And who’s to say that it moves on as a whole? A soul mate is another piece of your starry existence staring back at you.
And that, undeniably, was Jimmy.
From the very second I’d met him, it had felt like I’d known him forever. We were comfortable with each other without the formalities of really getting to know each other on an awkward and primary level. He understood me better than anyone—including Brian…and including Tyler. There was never any guessing when it came to Jimmy and I; there was never anything but complete and utter understanding.
Which is probably why his death had shaken me so violently…
Jimmy and I had escaped during Avenged’s short break back in Huntington. Missing Brian while he was on tour was heart-wrenching, and missing Jimmy was almost as excruciating. When you put the two of them together, there was nothing in the world that could rock me. I couldn’t be taken down. Within the two of them, I was safe.
Brian had come down with a serious case of the man cold. I’d grown tired of two days straight of doing nothing but watching mindless television. A tapping at my living room window had garnered my attention as Brian snoozed quietly on the opposite sofa. I’d paused the movie and crept to the window where Jimmy stood on the other side, tall as ever.
He gestured to the door and then disappeared from sight. I rolled my eyes, walking to the front door and pulling it wide open.
“Get your jacket,” he’d told me.
I cocked an eyebrow, “Why?”
“I need to get out of the house,” he told me. “Lauren has her teacher buddies over and they’re so dull I could die.”
I leaned back to glance into the living room; Brian was still fast asleep.
I nodded my head, “Brian’s sick.”
“I know,” Jimmy grinned. “So get your coat.”
We’d escaped into the night, Jimmy had come prepared with three cases of beer and a plan. We climbed onto the roof of the Huntington High School and made ourselves at home, our legs hanging off the side of the building as we drank the night away.
“So?” he asked me, taking a swig of his beer. “How’s my favorite Blair?”
I shrugged, lighting a cigarette and stuffing the lighter back into my pocket, “I’m alright.”
“So…you’re not great,” he smirked.
I shrugged again.
“What’s up?” he asked me curiously. “Or did you want me to guess?”
I just stared at him.
“Oh! I know! You wanted a pet turtle but Brian told you no,” he grinned. “Or! You couldn’t find matching socks this morning and now your entire week of socks will be off!”
“That’s it,” I laughed. “The socks. You caught me.”
He nudged his shoulder against mine, examining me with those crystal blues, “It’s worth living, you know.”
“Hm?” I hummed. “What’s that?”
“Life,” he said so casually that I wasn’t sure what to do with it.
So, I took a big sip of my beer instead.
“You’re my best friend,” he smiled, turning his attention to the city below. “So you know that I love you.”
I smiled back, “I know.”
“But did you know that I’m psychic?” he asked seriously.
My eyebrows pursed themselves together as I gave him one real sarcastic look, “Psychic.”
“Yeah!” he nodded excitedly. “For example, I can tell you what you’re thinking right at this very second.”
“Okay,” I smirked. “Let’s have it.”
He squinted his eyes and rubbed at his temples, “You’re thinking…about changing shampoos.”
A hearty laugh erupted from the back of my throat, “You got it!”
“Knew it,” he said proudly, chasing his accomplishment with a swig of beer.
“You’re so weird,” I mused, pulling at my smoke.
He shrugged, “Maybe…But for a quick second you weren’t thinking about jumping off of this building.”
I scoffed, “I wasn’t thinking about jumping.”
He raised his eyebrows at me.
“I wasn’t,” I laughed. “Stop projecting your weird fantasies onto me.”
“They’re not fantasies so much as they are…idealizations,” he smirked. “But you’re a fool if you think I can’t see right through you. A fool, I say.”
I flicked my cigarette out passed my knees and watched as it plummeted to the ground. I watched as it exploded onto the concrete below—and couldn’t help but wonder if it would have the same impact on me.
“There it is,” Jimmy grinned. “Now you’re thinking about jumping.”
I rolled my eyes, “Get out of my head.”
“Never!” he shouted loudly, using the grittiest parts of his throat to make himself sound more like a demon than anything else. “I’ll be in there forever.”
Maybe Jimmy was psychic.
But as I caught myself imagining a million ways to die, I could hear Jimmy’s voice in my head.
“Please don’t do that to my best friend.”
I couldn’t put Brian though it….And maybe that’s what could save me. Brian needed me in a way that I needed him.
My body pushed itself frantically back to shore. I gathered my things in a hurry and jumped back into the car—disregarding the fact that I was soaking wet and dripping all over my interior.
I made the long drive home, my hair dried by time I pulled into the driveway. With my notebook tucked under my arm, I let myself into my home.
Brian was sitting on the stairs, my phone in his hands. He looked up at me lazily, pursing his lips a little.
This wasn’t good.
“Hey…” I said slowly, closing the door firmly behind me.
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he wiggled my phone in one hand.
“My phone,” I offered lamely.
He nodded, “It wouldn’t stop ringing.”
I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Where were you, Blair?” he asked me—but it felt more like an accusation.
“I was with—”
“Don’t,” he cut me off loudly before calming himself with a clearing of his throat. “Don’t you dare tell me you were with Lauren.”
My mouth dried up.
“She and Mona,” he started, looking around quickly and then back at his hands, “they, uh, stopped by earlier…Said you never showed at the restaurant.”
“I—”
“They brought lunch for you,” he scoffed. “They were worried about you.”
“Brian,” I tried but he wasn’t done.
He shook his head, “You know, the last two weeks, I’ve been walking around on egg shells all day long. I never know which Blair I’m going to encounter every morning—or if she’ll stick around throughout the entire day. And, you know, it’s one thing to be so…whatever…about me…” he hesitated. “But now you’re bailing on your friends?”
My eyes found the floor.
“So,” he huffed. “If you lied to me and you lied to them…where the fuck were you?”
I shook my head, “I…I just don’t see why it matters where I was…”
“Fuck off, Blair,” he growled.
My brain couldn’t think of anything to say.
“I told them you were sleeping,” he spit. “I told them you weren’t feeling well…So…”
He set my phone down on the stairs and pushed himself to his feet. I watched as he disappeared upstairs and my body jolted when he slammed the studio door.
A choice was made here. It wasn’t my typical style to plead my heart out to anyone…I was a silent sufferer by every stretch of the word. But…keeping the pain to myself was clearly causing more harm than good—not just for myself, but for my relationship. Brian was angry and he was confused…and it was entirely my fault.
So, with my tail tucked between my legs, I went after him.
He was pacing around when I stepped into the room—he stopped when he caught sight of me.
“I was at the beach,” I said simply.
He furrowed his brows at me.
“I was,” I insisted. “Look, my shorts are still damp…”
“Who with?”
I shook my head, “No one.”
“You ditched Lauren and Mona to go to the beach by yourself?” he asked flatly.
I nodded.
“Just had a sudden urge to go swimming or what?” he hissed.
I sighed, sinking down onto the piano bench.
“Bri, I have to tell you something,” I said quietly.
He looked panicked—and when Brian got panicked, Brian got defensive. His fists were clenched.
“What?” he managed.
I bit at my lip, “I’m, um…I’m really struggling…like a lot…”
He looked confused….but it was better than angry.
“I,” I paused, resistant to tell him the truth. “I needed to get away today…Not really from you…Or from anybody…I just…”
“What?” he asked more calmly this time.
“I’m feeling really…trapped…lately,” I tried to explain. “Like I can’t get out of this constant mood…where nothing is good…and nothing is real…Everything is just…going through the motions.”
Brian winced a little as he took a seat next to me. He was completely at ease now.
“I know that Jimmy was your best friend…” I fidgeted with my thumbs. “And I know that it’s been hard for you…”
“Yeah…?”
“I’m not sure what to do with what I’m feeling,” I said finally. “I feel like everyone else is justified in their pain…But I’m not. You know? He wasn’t my boyfriend…we didn’t grow up together…I guess I just feel—”
“I’m sorry but I have to stop you there,” Brian said. “You have just as much right to feel whatever you need to feel as anyone else, Blair…”
I bit at my lip harder.
“Jimmy fucking loved you,” he told me seriously. “He talked about you all the time…to literally anyone and everyone that would listen.”
I went to say something but Brian pushed his hand over my mouth.
“You listen to me, Blair Peterson,” he said seriously but with a smirk, “Jimmy loved you just as much as he loved me…as much as he loved Lauren…Fuck, probably more than he loved Lauren if we’re being totally honest.”
“Brian,” I grumbled warningly into his palm.
He grinned, “Whatever…The point is that if you need to be really fucked up over this until the end of time, just know that I’m right there with you….I’m not over it…Not even a little…But I’m also not stupid, I know that you’re having a hard time…I’ve been trying to be…good…For you.”
I pulled his hand away but kept it locked in my grip, “Well don’t.”
“I want to be here for you,” he said sadly. “I wasn’t before…But I’m here now.”
“Brian,” I tried to smile. “If you want to be here for me, I need you to be fucking real with me. I’m feeling kind of dumb about all of it…”
“Dumb?” he asked confusedly.
I nodded, “Everyone else seems to be…okay…But me.”
“I’m not okay,” he assured me.
In his brokenness, I felt a little more whole.
“I’m sorry I’m worrying you,” I sighed. “And I’m sorry I lied to you…”
He shrugged.
“I really love you,” I said, looking up into his beautiful eyes. “You know that, don’t you?”
He smiled, “I know.”
“Good,” I grumbled awkwardly.
“You and Jimmy really are alike, huh?” he smirked, pushing himself off of the bench and rummaging through a stack of papers on the desk.
I shook my head, “Sometimes…?”
“Here,” he laughed. “Everything you just said…this is all I could think of.”
He handed me a sheet of paper with Buried Alive scribbled across the top. As I read the words, I knew exactly who’s mind these had sprung from—and was a little unnerved at how well they embodied what I’d been feeling.
“Jimmy wrote it,” Brian told me. “So…Even when he’s not here…He gets it.”
I swallowed down my feelings again.
“He’s with you,” Brian said lowly. “He’s with us.”

Notes

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