Just Before You Go

Jimmy didn’t come back to our room that night. I’d locked myself away following the wildly uncomfortable conversation I’d had with Brian. He’d once been my ally, someone I’d thought understood me in a way that I’d struggled to understand myself. But at the end of the day, he was one half of the Bs and that was, simply, something I couldn’t contend with. He’d never choose to dishonour his Blair in favour of validating my very real concern that Jimmy had found something more meaningful in a friendship than he had in our relationship. It wasn’t just about the sex. It couldn’t be.
This ran deep. Deeper than the blood that flowed through my worried veins.
I awoke at noon, which was highly unlike my up and at ‘em personality type. But the slam of the hotel door had shaken me from my slumber with a startled gasp.
Jimmy rounded the corner, offering a strange glance, “Were you sleeping?”
I nodded, rubbing the fatigue from his eyes.
He went about his business, exchanging his tee for something clean. As he slid out from his jeans, I couldn’t help the suffocating rage that threatened to consume me. That was all I got? He was gone all night and all I was greeted with was ‘were you sleeping’? Who was this man before me?
“Where were you?” I asked as coolly as possible.
He shrugged his shoulders, “I passed out in Brian’s room.”
”You mean Blair’s room,” I corrected matter-of-factly.
He tended up. Every muscle in his being seized beneath my correction, casting a venomous tension into the atmosphere that befell us.
”The Bs room,” he grunted, swiftly grabbing a pair of dark wash jeans from his duffel and sliding them up to his waist.
Though it pained me, I managed, “Jimmy, I thought you were going to get clean.”
”I did,” he retorted.
”Um...I hardly think going on a bender with Blair is getting clean,” I informed him boldly.
He whipped around, a permanent scowl dripping from his otherwise delicate features, “First of all, can you not say her fucking name like that? Second, I did get clean. Staying clean is a whole other issue.”
I rolled my eyes, “Arguing technicalities? Really? That’s where we’re at now?”
He pursed his lips as he nodded his head, “I’m fucking mad at you, Aria. I don’t know what else there is to say about it.”
”Can we not talk about it?” I pressed. “You’ve been in a mood for a week. Isn’t it time we had a conversation?”
”A week,” Jimmy repeated incredulously. “I think we both know it’s been longer than a week.”
I frowned deeply, “Jimmy...”
”You can’t hate her,” he told me. “You just can’t.”
”I don’t understand what the fucking appeal is,” I blurted in exasperation.
He cocked his head back, apparently doubled over by what I’d thrown his way, “Pretty sure you had a crazy girl crush on her for fucking ever.”
”Yeah, right up until the night she fucked my boyfriend,” I spit at him.
He rubbed his temples with sheer force, “Jesus Christ. You do remember what you were doing that night, right?”
”This isn’t about me,” I defended weakly.
He laughed, “Of course it isn’t. It’s always been about me. What a bad fucking guy I am. All the shit I’ve done to you. Right, Aria? You’ve been this helpless damsel all this time?”
My face softened, “Of course not...That isn’t what I meant.”
”Why don’t you try saying what you do mean,” he suggested angrily.
Against my better judgement, I slipped out from the covers. I marched straight up to him, wrapping my arms around his waist. To my surprise, he made no efforts to stop me.
“I’m jealous,” I told him quietly.
He nodded, “I’ve noticed.”
”It’s hard not to be,” I sighed, greedily soaking up the feel of his body against mine. “You and Blair are so connected...We’ve never had that.”
”She’s my best friend,” he breathed, letting his hands fall lightly against my back. “Of course it’s different. I don’t get how you don’t see that.”
I took a deep breath, “I’m sorry. I’m really...I’m not trying to make things tense. I’m just feeling really left out. You’re with Blair every waking second of the day...I’m feeling left behind.”
Jimmy frowned, leaning down to rest his chin against my hair, “I’m sorry. I’ve been hyper focused...if you want to be included, you’re welcome to tag along.”
With that, he pulled out from my reach and tucked his filthy clothes into his bag. I was stunned, but tried my best to be grateful for the tiny break through I’d managed to conjure. He’d at least acknowledged me...that was a start.
Clearly I’d frayed his trust in my sincerity, though...and I knew that might take some time to earn back.
”Are you coming?” he asked as he headed for the door.
I didn’t ask where. I didn’t care. I smoothed out the knots in my hair, grabbing a sweater from the back of the chair as we headed into the hall. To go with him was worth looking like I’d just crawled out of a gutter. He didn’t seem to mind, which I figured was the most important aspect anyway.
We were quiet as we rode the elevator down, quiet as he walked through the doors and climbed aboard the bus. Brian gave me an apologetic smile as I took up residence atop the couch, watching as Zach nodded in and out. The man looked like he hadn’t slept in a month.
”You okay?” I asked him quietly, my eyes jumping from the tired guitarist to Jimmy as he crawled into the bench next to his best friend.
Zach started to life, giving a tired nod, “Haven’t slept.”
I frowned on his behalf.
”I share a wall with that fucking guy,” Zach growled, gesturing lazily toward Brian. “And he decided to throw a little party last night.”
”I did not!” Brian defended with a laugh. “It was all the big guy.”
Jimmy grinned, “Sorry, dude.”
”Yeah, save it for after my nap,” Zach grunted back.
The bus lurched into motion, carrying the quiet rumblings downtown to the venue. The drive was short and I was surprised to find Jimmy waiting for me as everyone filed sortedly off the bus.
“You can come watch our check,” he told me with a hint of a smile.
I nodded, following his pace down to the asphalt. We walked quietly, Jimmy appeared to be lost in his thoughts. I was reluctant to disturb them.
Their sound check was the same as ever. Matt prowled around the stage and Jimmy kicked at his drum to annoy everyone. There were no hiccups; as usual. And after a quick run through of their set, the group disbanded. Brian and Jimmy hung around, Brian plucking at the strings of his guitar. Jimmy took a seat at the edge of the stage, letting his legs dangle over like a child in a plastic chair. I took up the space beside him, beaming as he laced his fingers with mine.
To my surprise, though, Blair Peterson graced us with her presence. She sipped at a bottle of water as she strolled from the wings and planted herself at Brian’s side. My furrowed brows must have given me away, because Jimmy turned to me.
”We’re working on one of Blair’s songs,” he told me. “Because apparently Brian couldn’t decipher our vision from our very clear vocal rendition.”
Brian caught this, laughing as he called over, “There was nothing fucking clear about it.”
Blair grinned, her beauty radiating through the theatre and pinching my last nerve.
”We’re working on her album,” Jimmy smiled at me.
Blair smirked, “Which will be easier once we’re home and can use an actual fucking studio.”
”Yeah, mine,” Jimmy snickered.
I was as confused as I was stunned. I’d sort of imagined that we’d get Home and Blair would shrink away back into her own life. Her own world.
It horrified me to realize this was her world now. Jimmy was the sun.
“Why are you writing it?” I asked him quietly.
He shrugged, “Because she needs help. She’ll be a pop star yet!”
”Can we roll it or what?” Brian asked impatiently. “Haven is going to want to check soon.”
Blair nodded along with the sentiment.
Jimmy disappeared back into his threesome. I sat in my place, despondent and unsure. I didn’t know what else to do with myself, so I planted roots.
My boyfriend climbed behind his kit as Blair pulled herself up the microphone. The same microphone Matt had just abused with his vocal aggression.
To my relief, Brian came and pulled up a place beside me. He smiled reassuringly.
”Ready, Jim?” Blair asked into the black microphone.
He clapped his sticks together by way of reply.
”Ready?” she asked, her eyes fixated on Brian.
He nodded his head.
Jimmy led their duo with a light, jazzy beat of his drums. It was always a wonder to see him lean into something so slow; so sensual. It was a far departure from the beast behind the kit that seemed so familiar to me.
And then Blair sang and the whole world stopped.
“Being a mistress on the side, it might not appeal to fools like you. We’ve been around on the side, wanna be something you would do. But you haven’t seen my man. You haven’t seen my man.”
She sent a cheeky wink Brian’s way as her sultry voice filled the theatre with its brilliance. This tone was unlike the wrath she’d conjure at the frontlines of Haven. This was undeniably beautiful. Haunting. I could hear Jimmys influence radiating through each run of her vocal chords.
“He’s got the fire and he walks with fame, he’s got the fire and he talks with fame. His Bonnie on the side, Bonnie on the side makes me a sad, sad girl. I’m a sad girl, I’m a sad girl. I’m a sad girl. I’m a sad girl, I’m a sad girl, I’m a bad girl, I’m a bad girl.”
Brian’s gears were visibly turning as he digested the melody in a way I could never understand. He was busy working out how to add to their creation. I was, once again, shackled to the sidelines.
“Being a bad bitch on the side, it might not appeal to fools like you. We’ve been around when he gets high, might not be something you would do. But you haven’t seen my man, you haven’t seen my man.”
As Blair spoke to the sadness creeping up in my soul, I could hardly resist the urge to cry. Jimmy had abandoned his own responsibilities to help Blair create something personal. He’d held her up as she daringly stepped out onto a ledge. He would be there if she fell. He’d be there to help her succeed.
And where would I be?
”I’m a sad, sad girl.”

Notes

A second update to make up for the short prior chapter.

Also, forgive me for any typos or horrendously misplaced words. Typed this shit out on my phone. I blame Apple.

xx