Just Before You Go

Time moved itself faster than my failing hands could grasp. In a whirlwind of cigarette smoke and early morning afterlife clouded skies, we’d all wearily set back out on the road. The first few hours were strangely quiet among the Avenged band members, a far cry from the very first day we’d set out. I guess after a while touring becomes less of an excitement and more of an obligation. Everyone had arrived promptly, their bags strewn sloppily across shoulders and hips.
Despite my fatigued state, and Jimmy’s bothersome grumping, I was delighted to see Blair and Brian had arrived together. They’d lingered around one another, taking turns lighting and tossing cigarettes in the wind. Tyler pulled in shortly thereafter, Justin by his side. A part of me was excited to have everyone back together, the short weeks apart having felt somehow like years. Everyone seemed strangely older that morning, like they’d prepared for and settled into their final strides.
Tyler waved to me, keeping a comfortable distance across the lot as he headed for his respective bus. The same bus I’d sought refuge within for longer than I cared to admit.
“Wait up!” I heard Blair call, my eyes dancing from Ty to her.
“Never too early for people watching, huh?” Jimmy noted with a yawn, rubbing at his cheek and bumping his back rimmed glasses with the back of his hand.
I smiled, “With this crowd? No way.”
He smirked, the tired state of his soul too heavy to beam entirely.
“Here, Jim,” Zach said as he came up from behind. “I’m heading on board, I’ll take your stuff.”
“Thanks, man,” Jimmy replied fondly, sliding a duffel off his shoulder and handing it over to the lefty.
Zach looked to me with his perfectly green eyes, “Aria?”
“I’m okay,” I assured him, fixing my grip around the black strap that hung across my chest. “Thank you though.”
“Ah,” Zach grinned. “You’re an actual person in the morning. Unlike some people I know.”
“It’s early, dude,” Jimmy whined at the disappearing guitarist. He turned to me, “Which means it’s back to bed.”
I smiled up at him, loving the way black circles kneaded beneath the eyes could look good only on him. He leaned down to kiss me quickly, a glimmer of life restoring itself in his eyes before burning out again.
“Don’t people watch too long,” he instructed me. “Or I’ll take over the whole bunk, I swear.”
I laughed softly, “I’ll be there soon.”
“Come on, big guy,” Johnny smirked, appearing around the corner of the bus. “You look about as great as I feel.”
Jimmy softened his face theatrically, “Aw.”
I watched the two climb into the bus, the difference in their heights endlessly amusing. Although I was a bit anxious to get on the road, a significant portion of my heart was saddened to leave California again. I’d done so much healing in the short time spent back in its glow, I was nervous it might unfurl while I was away. I supposed I’d just have to take the things I loved with me.
“Morning,” Brian grunted at me as he tossed his bags into the back of the bus, a cigarette hanging loosely from his bottom lip.
His presence startled me a little. I glanced just passed him, watching as Blair and Tyler slipped with ease back into the B&T Show. I was glad for Tyler; he’d been missing Blair while she was essentially missing in action.
“Morning,” I smiled at Brian as he straightened out and fixed his fingers around the cigarette.
“Jimmy hit the bunk?” he asked knowingly.
I nodded, “The sun isn’t even up yet, Brian.”
He laughed, “I don’t know how that guy can sleep until four in the afternoon. It’s a serious skill.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” I snickered.
“What about you?” he asked, his voice muffled from the smoke pressing against his throat. “Not tired?”
I shrugged lazily, “Just trying to bask in the last few minutes I have in California.”
His face burdened subtly, “Yeah...Never really gets any easier to leave home.”
“But it sure is nice to come back,” I noted with surprising positivity.
He smirked, pointing the burning ember at me, “Good point.”
“How’s Blair?” I asked, curious since I’d hardly seen her since the day she’d performed in her living room to an audience of one.
“She’s good,” Brian answered cheerily. “We’ve been busy as shit all week. So...like Jimmy, I bet she sleeps until we get to Arizona.”
I raised a curious eyebrow, “What exactly have you guys been doing?”
“Can’t say,” Brian laughed quietly, zipping his lips.
“Oh come on,” I pleaded playfully. “Jimmy won’t tell me either!”
Brian smirked, “It isn’t our project to talk about. I’m sure Blair will tell you.”
“Maybe,” I relented with a sigh.
He tossed the cigarette to the ground, crushing it beneath his foot as he stepped toward me and wrapped a strong arm around my shoulders.
“Come on, Nosy,” he grinned. “Let’s get you to bed and when you wake up, you can go and harass Blair for answers.”
My eyes fluttered around the lot once more, watching as the windows of all buses illuminated one by one. The vehicles idled, casting an omnipresent hum into the atmosphere. It was one of those moments where you just know you’re making a memory. I soaked it in, halfheartedly watching as crew and band members alike tossed their lives, crammed into bags, into trunks.
“Okay,” I finally gave in as Brian got us moving.
We climbed the stairs, Brian first and then I followed. The bus was a wasteland, no sign of life to be found aside from the scattered belongings that had been tossed haphazardly around. Brian unloaded the weight from his shoulder, setting his black bag down onto the table. The same table where Jimmy had picked rocks from my palms the night he’d decided forever didn’t seem so daunting after all. I smiled at the memory for a second before the hour of the day slugged me in the face. Yawning, I staggered on my feet.
“Wow,” Brian laughed sarcastically. “Go to bed.”
Embarrassed by my lack of coordination, I nodded sheepishly.
“Night, Bri,” I smiled as I eased passed him and down into the bunks.
Jimmy was already asleep by time I crawled into the cramped space next to him. Subconsciously, his arm snaked around my waist and he nuzzled a little closer. I wrapped my hands around his tattooed arms, letting my tired body meld into his as I gave into the exhaustion I’d fought off all morning.
When I awoke, Jimmy was still fast asleep. The terrible thing about bunks is that they don’t have windows; it is absolutely impossible to distinguish any sort of time stamp from within the confines of the bed. Carefully, I slipped out from beneath Jimmy’s grip and snaked out from behind the black curtain. I was surprised to hear chatter filling the void the early morning had left. Sunlight poured through the glass panes, burning my retinas as I neared the front of the bus.
“Hello there!” Matt greeted me with a dimpled smile.
“Hey,” I waved, headed straight for the coffee Zach was pouring.
He sensed my impeding need and promptly passed a steaming cup my way. I breathed my thank yous and selfishly threw back the liquid.
“What time is it?” I asked as the caffeine set my blood into motion.
“Just after ten,” Matt replied simply from his place at the table.
Zach scooted back onto the bench across from the singer, leaving enough room for me to take a seat.
“Have a good sleep?” Zach asked me as I took up his silent offer.
I nodded, rubbing the sleep from one eye and cupping my coffee protectively with the other.
“I had no idea you guys even made it,” Matt chuckled. “I got here first and I passed the fuck out.”
Zach grinned, “We really should have fucked with you. I’m kicking myself for missing the opportunity.
“You’d need the ringleader for that,” Matt smirked. “And we all know he can’t function before noon.”
“Unless he hasn’t slept,” I noted with my brows high.
Zach pointed at me, “Touché, Aria! Touché!”
“So how far out are we?” I asked from behind another yawn. “Anyone know?”
Zach shrugged.
Matt considered it for a moment before checking the time on his watch, “I’m going to say we’re almost there. We were stuck in some traffic about an hour ago.”
“That sucked,” Zach frowned.
“What time is sound check?” I continued on my curiosity crusade.
Jimmy was bitterly vague. Any time I’d asked about the tour schedule, he’d just shrug at me. He pledged to go where the wind took him—unfortunately I didn’t quite operate that way. While I was perfectly fine to go with the flow, I also liked to have half an idea where the flow was going.
“Two,” Matt said, quickly losing his confidence as he added an, “ish.”
“Oh, so we’ll have time for lunch?” I caught happily.
He nodded, casting a strange glance at Zach, “Remember the good old days stopping for lunch?”
Zach scoffed, “With the dollar a day food budget shit? I don’t miss that at all.”
Matt laughed, “Crazy how far we’ve come.”
Feeling like I hardly belonged within the conversation at hand, I shrunk into my coffee. I let the liquid burn through my insides, letting it jolt my nerves alive. God, I loved coffee.
The boys exchanged a few more war stories, each laughing with exhaustion at the memories. I laughed along, not because I could relate or had any idea what they were talking about, but because their joy was infectious.
After downing a mug of coffee and another half, I rifled through my bag. Zach had given up on the morning and retreated back to his bed. Matt waltzed off to play a video game—he’d extended the invitation but I had wholeheartedly declined. It was far too early in the morning to have Matt screeching in my ear. Instead, I pulled both my phone and my book out from my bag and then kicked it back under the couch. I collapsed atop the cushions, pulling my legs beneath me and flipping my phone open. I was glad to see I’d received a text while my mind had been resting.
From: Ty
God, John is snoring and now we’re all up. You know, except John. I think B might stab him soon. Why the fuck did I think touring would be fun?
I laughed at the visual. I’d seen Blair Peterson denied her beauty sleep—and it was a force to be reckoned with. Not that she wasn’t a force in her existence; there was no denying her might even in the darkest times. Even after spending intimate time with Haven, I’d never been able to comprehend their dynamic. They were miles apart from the bond Avenged had; like unfamiliar colleagues more than a stapled collective. Their music was great and their sound was tight, but their chemistry lacked any sort of intrigue in one another. They lived entirely separate lives, except Tyler and Blair. It was a grand departure from the family I’d accidentally joined, who seemed to always be into each other’s business.
I’d take the Avenged warmness over the stake Haven atmosphere any day. Tyler and I had talked about it briefly once after Blair had left his bedside. He told me he worried she would wake up one day and realize she was being stifled. The woman could command the universe with a simple beat of her brow, she just didn’t know it yet. And when she figured it out, Tyler was sure he’d be left in the dust. I think that was Tyler’s worst fear, to be left.
Which is a funny fear for someone always so hellbent on leaving. Not so much funny ha-ha as the kind of humor that will make you want to cry. Interchangeable, really.
“Don’t worry,” I had assured him. “Through all of the dust, you will always be Blair’s heart.”
He’d taken my word as scripture, locking it up white-knuckled at his chest. I had no doubts that Blair would endlessly exist for Tyler, even if the day came when she wouldn’t need to anymore.
It was a feeling I could relate to. It was the same feeling I’d fought so hard against for so long; why had I hated the notion of living for someone? There was a romance to breathing in the particles of your love. Every day I was blessed with a chance to spend more time basking in Jimmy’s brilliant mind, and with each day I grew to be grateful. I didn’t feel the need to fight it anymore. If my word was scripture, Jimmy’s life was religion.
I considered texting Tyler back, but a chorus of laughter broke out from the back of the bus. My head shot up with startled curiosity just as an angry Johnny came storming down the hallway. He hollered to the driver to stop, waiting patiently by the door as the bus pulled off to the side of the road and lulled to a stop. Johnny shoved the door wide open, letting it bang loudly against the side of the bus. He disappeared into the world.
The boys all appeared, toppling over one another as they howled with laughter. Zach had actual tears.
“What is happening?” I asked confusedly, looking back and forth between the group of hyenas and the gaping doorway.
Matt tried to talk but couldn’t, his words indistinguishable masked behind his laughter.
“You know that thing?” Jimmy started, squinting his eyes—probably to see me better, “we did it”
I tried not to laugh until I understood, “What thing?”
“You know,” Jimmy cackled, disconnecting from the group to plop down onto the couch next to me. “That thing. Where you, uh, stick someone’s hand in warm water.”
“Cold water,” Zach corrected.
“Dude,” Jimmy grinned, “I ran the tap. It was warm.”
“Okay, okay,” Zach relented, falling into the table with a thud.
“We did it to Johnny,” Jimmy told me proudly. “And it fucking works!”
I was stunned. In the best way possible. What really stunned me though, in not such a good way, was when Johnny came strutting back onto the bus stark naked.
“Dude,” Brian choked with a loud laugh. “Go get your clothes!”
“The vultures can have them,” Johnny declared, parting the group like the Red Sea as he waltzed passed them and back to the bunks. “Fuck you guys!”
This had the guys doubled over with laughter again.
“Okay,” Zach howled. “I’m actually going back to bed this time.”
“We’ll see you soon, man,” Brian grinned as Zach slipped by.
“Don’t you dare! You keep the Rev and his warm water away from me!”
Jimmy was grinning like an idiot, which clawed at me like a rabid animal. I finally laughed, letting the horror mix with the humour. It was possibly the words best concoction.
“Isn’t it great to be back?” Jimmy beamed over at me. “This was so worth waking up for.”
I smiled, shaking my head at him and his brothers. We’d been on the road five hours and someone had already pissed their pants. Jimmy hollered to the driver to get us moving once more.
Brian pulled the door shut as the bus lurched forward. As we moved away from the side of the interstate, leaving Johnny’s outfit in our wake, there was no doubt that I was glad to be back on the road.
I just hoped it was a smoother ride this time.

Notes

Like that little toss to an Avenged lyric/the B universe? No, just me?

xx