Just Before You Go

After spending another hour with Tyler, doing my best to smooth his ruffled feathers and to reestablish some sort of comradery, I met with Jimmy for a late lunch. He babbled on and on about his morning with Blair and how he didn’t understand how she could smoke so much. Apparently Brian had been bounding in and out of the apartment throughout the entirety of Jimmy’s visit, endlessly doting on Blair’s every need and desire.
Jimmy’s eyes lit up when he’d talk about Blair, in the way that only a truly organic kind of love could produce. I surprised myself with adoration, absolutely swooning over the way he’d smile as he slipped through her name. Whatever had happened, it didn’t matter. It was bigger than I was, which used to pain me. Now, it had worn itself down into something palpable and I was in awe. Jimmy needed a love to lose himself in; one that wouldn’t compromise who he was. That love could not be found with me and I knew that.
There was no love stronger than one born from innocence. I realized slowly, and then all at once, that Jimmy could only love Blair so much because he could never be in love with her. His affections would always be unconditional—something that simply could not exist between lovers. There were always conditions, always fights and flights. Nothing was ever constant in life. I hoped for Blair’s sake, though, that Jimmy was always a constant presence in her life. She needed it.
“Jim,” I finally spoke, cutting him off mid-sentence.
He furrowed his brows at me with a distinct pout, folding his arms across his chest.
“Sorry,” I half-laughed. “I just need to talk to you.”
“We are talking,” Jimmy thought aloud, abandoning his defense in favor of his cheeseburger.
I smiled, “No. You’re talking.”
“Fair enough,” Jimmy grinned. “What’s up?”
My mind hummed with business, grinding its gears to work out some sort of verbal acknowledgement of the ringer I’d put myself through earlier in the day. I wasn’t sure where to start or just what I was hoping to accomplish. Nevertheless, I moved my way through.
“I had a really long talk with Tyler this morning,” I said to deaf ears.
He nodded, his sarcastic gaze reminding me that my sentiment was obvious.
“And I realized something,” I added more sternly.
With a mouthful of beef, Jimmy spoke, “What’s that?”
“That I am Tyler Brody,” I stated.
Jimmy eyed me strangely, chewing furiously to get through the work of it. Swallowing his food down, he met my nervous stare with curiosity.
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that I’m Tyler,” I said like it might clear it up.
It didn’t.
“Um,” I hesitated, sighing into myself. “I realized today that I do all of the things that I’ve been chastising him for. I roll through my life without a care for the people I hurt along the way. I’m…reckless.”
“Aren’t we all?” Jimmy smirked, raising his glass to me.
“You’re reckless in a different way,” I eased. “You’re reckless with yourself. You’d go to the ends of the world to protect the ones you love.”
He tilted his head a little.
“I’m reckless with others. Everything I do is to protect myself. I push at people to open up to me, not because I think it’s good for them…but because I’m curious. I don’t actually do anything with the things people unload onto me…I do nothing to help anyone. I am Tyler Brody.”
Jimmy opened his mouth to respond but stopped. His eyes flickered for a half a second before he forced another bite of burger into his mouth. I assumed to keep himself from saying something that might hurt my feelings. He was always protecting me; only further proving my point.
“I don’t want to be like this,” I continued slowly. “I don’t want to be a bad person. I want to care about other people…I want to be more like you.”
Jimmy choked a little on his laughter, “No you don’t.”
“Yes I do,” I insisted. “I want to love people and learn how to let them know. So…I want to start with you.”
“With me?” he smirked. “I already know, dude.”
I shook my head, “It’s more than that. It’s more than saying I love you. It’s more than agreeing to marry you.”
I’d officially lost him. He resigned to eating his lunch and letting me talk at him.
“Look…” I sighed, taking my time to get the wording right. “All of the bad things that have gone on between us…They’re my fault. I’ve been so afraid of you that I think I needed to destroy this.”
“Afraid of me?” he questioned.
“I’m going to tell you the truth,” I said. “You’re too good for me. Before you interject with your typical self-loathing nonsense, just let me talk.”
He nodded.
“You’re the most unique human being on the planet,” I began slowly. “You’re wild and you’re unrelenting in enthusiasm…And it’s wonderful. You’re wonderful. And the more I got to know you and I got to see all of the layers that make up who you are…The more I’ve realized just how lost in this world I am. I don’t know where I belong…You make me feel…Secure. Like, for the first time in my life, I know exactly where I fit.”
His smile dismantled me.
“But,” I added ruefully. “The more I try to fit, the less I feel like I do.”
Jimmy’s face scowled, “Are you trying to break up with me again?”
“No, not at all,” I rushed in a panic. “I just wanted to explain that…I’m taking responsibility. I haven’t been good to you—not like I should be. But I’m going to work on it. I want to be a better person. I don’t want to be overthrown by jealousy or so unable to trust you that I blow up my life. That isn’t a good situation for anyone.”
He nodded slowly, as if I’d just asked him to solve some algebra question but he didn’t possess any basic math skills.
“I love you,” I half-smiled. “And I’m going to spend every day of our life trying to be good enough for you. That’s all I want to do.”
“You sound like you’re giving vows,” Jimmy grinned. “Save something for the wedding, Aria.”
The way Jimmy could love me in even my foulest form astounded me. There I was, bearing my soul and admitting my faults, and he hardly flinched at all. He’d never validate my thoughts, for fear that he might instill a greater complex into my warring mind.
“Speaking of that,” I smirked, moving passed my trepidation. “Should we be planning that or something?”
He shrugged, “I’m not much of a planner. So, I guess that falls to you.”
“Let’s start with the basics: when and where?”
“Any time, any place,” Jimmy snickered.
I rolled my eyes teasingly, “You’re impossible.”
He laughed, nodding his head excitedly. As he opened his mouth to be even more troublesome, his phone rang loudly from its place on the table.
He held up one finger, “Hold that thought. I want to come back to it.”
I groaned, “Impossible.”
Jimmy held the phone to his ear, “You’ve got Jimmy!”
I nibbled at my fries as he moved his gaze from his fingers to me and then back again. He nodded his head, as if the person on the other line could somehow see him.
“Okay,” he said happily. “I will send her your way!”
He flipped his phone closed, setting it back down onto the table where it had been laying dormant beforehand. He grinned up at me.
“Who was that?” I asked curiously, assuming I was the one who would be sent some way.
“Blair,” he replied simply. “I’ve been instructed to send you to her.”
I had seen her only a few hours before—what could she have possibly wanted with me so soon? That was atypical of Blair Peterson; I’d never known her to go out of her way to bring me into her world. She preferred to keep me at an arm’s distance, which I didn’t always mind—her arms were so beautifully decorated that at least they were interesting to look at.
“So, eat up,” Jimmy smirked. “I’m a man of my word.”
I did as I was told, marveling at the sheer speed at which Jimmy could throw back his lunch. Curiosity lingered between us both. But I was excited to see Blair, especially since it was the first time she’d actually initiated any sort of connection. It was usually just me forcing myself into her plane while she reluctantly went along with it. Maybe I’d finally done some good.
Jimmy and I lingered in the parking lot, leaning against his car as we basked in the glow of the California sun.
“Where are you off to now?” I asked him curiously.
He shrugged, “Who knows. Maybe I’ll go see Zach. Maybe I’ll go on a bender. Who knows!”
“Please don’t go on a bender,” I laughed sharply. “At least wait to die until we’re married and I can collect your life insurance.”
He cackled, “Aw.”
“No benders,” I reiterated smoothly, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “I’ll call you when I’m done at Blair’s.”
“Have fun,” he smiled. “If there’s a pillow fight, take pictures.”
I groaned, rolling my eyes as I pushed at him.
“Brian’s car is so much better than mine,” Jimmy told me. “I should buy a new one. A faster one.”
“You don’t need anything faster,” I told him, chipper. “You’re dangerous enough in a four speed.”
He pouted, “Don’t shit on my fun.”
“Go away,” I laughed. “Let me go.”
“Fine,” he huffed, jingling Brian’s keys in his hand. “See you later.”
I waited until he’d disappeared across the lot before climbing into his car. I liked this car. I didn’t want Jimmy to get rid of it.
The drive to Blair’s was short and riddled with painful radio. Jimmy’s CD collection left a little to be desired, though…So I usually opted for the rabble of local radio stations. No matter how hard I tried, I simply could not get into the music Jimmy loved so much. It was far too loud and eccentric.
I pulled onto her street and quickly bridged the gap from my car to the building. She buzzed me in immediately, only a hint of anticipation in her voice. This time, I knew the way and there was no need for a floating head to call down the hall to me.
My knuckles wrapped against the door. I waited with bated breath for Blair to greet me, which she did with wild eyes. I hadn’t seen life in those emeralds in weeks—it was a refreshing change.
“Thanks for coming back,” she said as she pushed the door closed behind me.
I shrugged, “Any time.”
She led me into her living room, where I quickly perched atop her sofa. She lit a cigarette, placing the lighter back down onto the coffee table before scurrying out of the room. My eyes wandered around the cramped space, each and every nook and cranny undeniably Blair. There was a skeleton candle holder sitting atop a bookshelf, something I wouldn’t expect to see in every day home décor. She had a killer movie collection, one which I hoped to eventually explore. It was bigger than Jimmy’s collection, a feat I didn’t think possible.
When she finally returned, she plunked down into the chair across from me and stared at me intently.
“So…What’s up?” I finally dared.
She contemplated her response, biting at her lip without thinking.
“Brian went home,” she told me.
I wasn’t sure what to do with that.
“And I was going to go to the hospital to see Tyler…” she trailed off.
“What’s up, Blair?” I pressed lightly.
She sighed, “You said we could be friends, right?”
I nodded feebly.
“Good,” she declared. “Because that’s what I need. I need a fucking friend.”
“What’s going on?” I asked cautiously, sideswiped by her sudden vulnerability.
Her eyes danced around the room, landing anywhere but on me.
“When Tyler and I were younger,” she started out weakly, eventually clearing her throat a little. “We got into this huge fight…I don’t really remember what it was about. Probably something stupid. But we were heading back to his parents’ house and we just started screaming at each other…”
Her voice choked itself up with memory, eventually fading out to a light cracking. Like an old vinyl after it had played itself out. I waited with uncertainty for her to continue.
“He called me a liability,” she continued eventually. “That’s all I can remember. And…Ever since then, I’ve been doing my fucking best to exist for him…Just for him.”
“I get that,” I replied quietly.
She sighed, “If I can’t keep it together for him…”
“Blair,” I started but she stopped me.
“I want to learn how to stand on my own,” she stated firmly. “I want to learn how to be Blair Peterson…without that added Brody bullshit. I want to just be…Blair.”
I smiled softly, “So be Blair.”
“I don’t know who that girl is,” she told me with burdened sorrow. “I’m afraid to find out.”
“It’s worth exploring,” I tried my best to support her. “I think it can only be a good thing…Looking into yourself can be really terrifying. I get that…I’ve been doing some soul searching lately too.”
She smirked, “Must be something in the water.”
“Must be,” I nodded.
“Can I show you something?” she asked slowly, as if her own idea had quickly unnerved her.
“Of course you can.”
Anything Blair Peterson was looking to show, I was keen to play audience to. The woman enthralled me at the worst of times—my girl crush was alive and kicking. Her effortless beauty made it easy to forget about the nasty parts of her soul she’d shown on occasion. I did my best to focus on the good.
She tossed her cigarette into the glass ash tray as she skirted out of the room. I sat quietly, waiting anxiously for her return. The anxiety began to creep in—I hoped she wasn’t fixing to show me her fist again.
When she finally returned, she held her notebook tight against her chest. That same notebook I’d stolen a glimpse into and had set off a chain of unfortunate events. It looked somehow smaller from within her death grip—and she looked, dare I say it, nervous.
“I’ve had some time to think today,” she told me quietly. “And…”
“And?” I encouraged.
She huffed, “I’ve never written anything on my own. I don’t know how much you know about Haven or about our dynamic…”
I knew nothing about either.
“But I’ve only ever written with Tyler. We’ve finished each other’s thoughts since we were kids…I’ve always thought I couldn’t finish something without him. The furthest I’ve ever gotten was a start.”
She plunked herself down at the piano in the corner; a piece far too large for the tiny room. I had to spin around to face her, given that she’d wedged the instrument between a wall and a chair; as if it the piano was hardly important to her at all.
Blair cleared her throat nervously, glancing up at me, “I wrote something today.”
There were no words to describe the honor flowing through my veins. Now I was nervous.
“Don’t be an asshole if it sucks,” she smirked. “But I need to know if it’s any good…and I’m not willing to let Jimmy or Brian hear it.”
Okay, so I was audience by default. I didn’t care. I moved passed it and collected the honor like a trophy.
“I could never,” I assured her.
She grunted a bit, squirming atop the piano bench. And then, without warning, she played.
I didn’t even realize Blair Peterson knew how to play the piano. I’m not sure why, but I’d always assumed her talent was tied strictly to her vocal chords. She had never messed around with any of the guitars on the bus and I’d never seen her tinker with the ivory keys. The woman never stopped impressing me—the girl crush grew.
Baby really hurt me, crying in the taxi.
He don't wanna know me, says he made the big mistake of dancing in my storm.
Says it was poison.
So, I guess I'll go home into the arms of the girl that I love…
The only love I haven't screwed up.
She's so hard to please but she's a forest fire.
The sound was undeniably raw, riddled with emotion and sheer humanity. I couldn’t believe the slow vulnerability that crept over her face. Once so sure and void of feeling, she was now moving along to a rhythm of pain.
This was nothing like the sound of her voice I’d known. This was not metal. This was not Haven.
This was entirely Blair Peterson.
I do my best to meet her demands.
Play at romance, we slow dance in the living room.
But all that a stranger would see is one girl swaying alone, stroking her cheek.
She took a deep breath at the same time as me.
They say, ‘You're a little much for me.
You're a liability.
You're a little much for me’.
So they pull back, make other plans.
I understand; I'm a liability.
Get you wild, make you leave.
I'm a little much for everyone.
Blair’s voice pulled back was entrancing. I could have listened to her all day long.
What struck me hardest was that not only was I being gifted with a Blair Peterson original, but I was being gifted with her trust. Something I’d done along our harrowing journey had sparked some sort of connection—she really did like me.
The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy until all of the tricks don't work anymore…
And then they are bored of me.
I know that it's exciting, running through the night, but…
Every perfect summer's eating me alive until you're gone.
Better on my own.
They say, ‘You're a little much for me.
You're a liability.
You're a little much for me’.
So, they pull back, make other plan.
I understand; I'm a liability.
Get you wild, make you leave.
I'm a little much for everyone.
They're gonna watch me disappear into the sun.
You're all gonna watch me disappear into the sun.
As she pulled her fingers from the keys, refusing to meet my gaze, I was absolutely enamored.
“Jesus,” was all I could think to say.
She laughed shortly, shrugging her shoulders just a little.
“I’m…” I stuttered to think of a way to perfectly encapsulate what I was feeling. “I’m blown away.”
I was also deeply saddened. If this was truly the way she viewed herself—the way Tyler had made her feel about her own worth—there wasn’t enough time in the universe to bring Blair back to the surface. I wasn’t sure how to fix someone so broken. How could she be so beautifully tormented and carry it with such grace?
That girl crush, though.
She was riddled with insecurity when she finally dared herself to meet my gaze. Her vulnerability suddenly struck her and she tightened her arms around her chest, blocking herself from me once more.
“It’s beautiful, Blair,” I told her fondly. “It’s really, really beautiful.”
Biting at her lip, she sighed, “Pity me. I’m almost human.

Notes

Blair <3


( Liability - Lorde)
xx