Almost Easy

“So…” I spoke awkwardly into the phone. “I did something.”
Brian half-laughed, “Okay.”
“I don’t know how you’re going to react,” I said slowly. “So, I need you to just…”
“Blair, what’s wrong?”
I took a really deep breath.
“I need to tell you something first and I need you to just listen until I’m done,” I rushed. “Okay?”
He paused, “Okay…”
“It would appear that some select people have gotten a crazy notion in their heads that there is something going on between Justin and I…like we’re messing around or whatever…And I just wanted you to hear it from me…because there’s absolutely nothing going on there. It’s strictly platonic and I would never, ever do that to you. I didn’t want you to hear it from someone and start thinking—”
“Blair,” Brian laughed. “Stop.”
“Brian, I swear, there’s nothing—”
“I know!” he interrupted again, still chuckling. “You don’t need to explain your friendship to me. You seriously think I’d believe that for even half a second? Give me a little credit.”
“I’ve gone off about less,” I mused thoughtlessly.
I could hear him smiling, much to my relief, “Yeah, but you’re a crazy person.”
“Right…”
“Is that it?” he asked cheerfully. “You just wanted to confess your platonic relationship with Justin to me?”
“Well no—and yes…but mostly no,” I was confused. “I did something.”
“What did you do?” he asked curiously.
I tilted my head from side to side, reluctant to say the words out loud.
“I may or may not have quit my band,” I said finally.
There was a very long silence on the other end. I remember thinking that this was it. He’d fallen for me because I was a musician—a metal musician. So, without that, who was I?
“Okay,” he said finally. “What happened?”
“You don’t sound very surprised,” I noted suspiciously.
He laughed again, “I’m not, really. Just from our conversation the other day alone, it doesn’t take a mastermind to figure out you’re unhappy. You don’t let people push you around, so I’m assuming someone tried to throw their weight around. Am I close?”
I was blank for a second.
“Pretty close,” I replied finally. “It was honestly just the craziest whirlwind of drama…like being in high school all over again.”
“Well what happened?” he chuckled. “Give me something here.”
“Honestly, some words were said…but it comes down to direction. I’m moving west, and they want to move north. I thought maybe we could meet in the middle but they made it clear that wasn’t going to happen. I don’t want to make bullshit music for the rest of my life. I want to make something beautiful.”
“Totally understandable,” he said. “But what words? What words were spoken?”
“That’s the interesting part?” I joked.
He replied quickly, “Yes.”
“John went on a tangent about how I’m a whore and…ya know.”
“What?” Brian demanded.
I nodded, “He’s called four times today to, I assume, apologize.”
“Why would he say that?” Brian sounded angry. “What the fuck is wrong with him?”
“Oh, right,” I snickered, “I’m leaving out the best fucking part! Apparently our newbie—”
Brian interjected, “The asshat.”
“Yes,” I grinned. “Apparently he fucked both John and Chris’s girlfriends! In the same week!”
A silence fell between us before Brian erupted with laughter. He stopped himself after a quick second.
“Sorry, that’s not funny,” he said quickly, still stifling a laugh.
I giggled, “It is, kind of.”
“So…because John’s girlfriend sucked someone else’s dick, that somehow translates into you being a slut?”
“You got it,” I groaned.
“What a piece of work that guy is,” Brian groaned.
“You need to come home,” I said seriously. “Obviously when you’re not here, everything just falls to shit.”
“Soon, baby,” he assured me. “But you know what you have to do now.”
I paused, “No?”
“Yes you do,” he said seriously.
“For the sake of argument, let’s say that I don’t,” I said lightly.
Brian sighed dramatically, “You’re a female. You’re a female with a killer fucking voice. You’re a sexy as fuck female with a killer voice.”
“I’m not doing pop,” I said flatly.
Brian laughed heartily, “Why not?”
“I don’t even listen to pop,” I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know the first thing about recording a pop album. And I don’t dance…and my hair isn’t blonde.”
“That’s what bleach is for.”
“Yeah, that was so not my point,” I smirked.
“So what’s your plan then?” he asked curiously.
I groaned, “I don’t fucking know. I thought Haven was it…apparently it’s not. I guess I could start up another band…or join one that’s looking for a vocalist…”
“Or….” Brian sang happily.
“Whatever I do,” I said, ignoring him implication. “It needs to be on my own terms.”
Brian replied, “Why don’t you go and sit down and start writing. Just see what kind of melodies fly into your pretty head…Don’t turn them down just because they’re not metal.”
“I’m scared, Bri,” I confessed awkwardly.
I could hear him frown, “Why?”
“I…It’s like my whole life is in front of me now, you know? But I don’t know which way to go or what I’m going to find. I honestly thought my life had a plan—and now that plan is gone.”
“You should feel free,” he told me seriously. “Not afraid.”
Free. What is that word, anyway? I’d never felt free in my entire life. There had always been some ghost chasing me down. My whole life, I’d been running from something that I didn’t even understand. My parents, my crazy aunt, my band…my best friend. What was it, to be free?
My parents made sense, though. They’d been ripped from my life without any warning. I was so little—I didn’t understand. Fuck, I didn’t even know what they were like. They’d faded out so long ago that if my mind even wandered to them, it was enough to frustrate me to tears. They’d been replaced by a woman who wasn’t capable of loving me. She didn’t give a shit about me one way or another. And yet, I longed for her approval always. I’d never known what it was to be free.
I was always playing into everyone else’s shit.
“Bri,” I said abruptly. “I have to go. There’s something I need to do.”
“Okay,” he replied awkwardly. “You’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I smiled. “I’ll call you later.”
I hung up and ran upstairs to pack a small bag. Without thinking, I hopped into one of Brian’s cars, since they were far more reliable than my piece of shit, and I drove.
As I hit the freeway, I was singing absently to myself—my thoughts far away from where I sat.
I had to decide to play someone's game or live my own life…
I was headed to Massachusetts.

Notes

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