Almost Easy

I woke to find that my life was still about to change. It hadn’t been a bad dream—Brian was leaving.
He’d been up for a while, I assumed, judging by the amount of luggage by the door and the half-emptied coffee pot on the kitchen counter. He was out back smoking by time I found him.
I took another mental picture.
“Morning,” I frowned.
Brian startled, whipping his head around, “Morning, Pretty Girl.”
“How long have you been up?” I asked as I pulled one of Brian’s cigarettes from his pack and placed it between my lips.
“I don’t know,” he paused, “An hour maybe.”
“Couldn’t sleep?”
He shook his head.
“Excited?” I asked.
He shrugged, “A little, I guess. Mostly apprehensive.”
“I really don’t want to be the reason you don’t enjoy yourself on tour,” I said slowly as I sunk into his lap and wrapped an arm around his neck. “You love what you do and I want you to have a good time.”
He kissed me quickly before returning to his cigarette.
“I’m just…Fuck, I really don’t want to go,” he half-laughed, shaking his head at himself.
I huffed, “I know. But you’ll go and you’ll adjust and you’ll have a great time. I’m only a phone call away—and you’ll be home next month.”
“Aren’t you little Miss Optimism today,” he teased.
“If I don’t stay positive,” I said seriously, “I will fall the fuck apart.”
He smashed his cigarette into the glass ash tray. I hated how burdened he looked—like my very existence was conflicting with who he’d always been.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
He shook his head, “Not really.”
“Okay…You’re all packed?” I tried again. “You have everything you need?”
“Can’t you just come with me?” he smirked. “I’ll put you in my bag; you’re little, you’ll fit.”
I smiled at him, “You’ll be home soon, Bri.”
He nodded a little but didn’t seem very relieved.
Eventually I climbed out of his lap and we went back indoors—the sun hadn’t even begun to rise yet. Brian was pacing around, checking his bags over and over again. He had picked two guitars for the bus, his crew had the tour guitars. That didn’t stop him from obsessively running through his inventory though.
And then the dreaded knock came. Matt was supposed to pick Brian up and they’d ride together from their venture point.
“Hey guys,” Matt smiled cheekily.
Brian said a quick hello before beginning to shepherd his belongings to Matt’s car. I was more polite at this ungodly hour.
“Excited for your tour?” I asked curiously, hoping someone was excited.
He nodded, “For sure. It’s always a great time.”
“Synyster Broody Gates is less than thrilled,” I giggled.
Matt widened his eyes, “Oh, I know. He’s done nothing but bitch about it since we finalized everything. Every rehearsal was spent listening to him gripe.”
“That’s my fault,” I smirked. “Sorry to be his buzzkill.”
“Hey, it’s a good thing,” Matt reassured me. “We should be so lucky to love someone so much.”
Brian appeared again, telling Matt he was ready to go.
Matt smiled at me, pulling me into a quick hug and promising to talk soon.
And that was it. This was the moment that my life was going to be made more lonely for months.
I could already feel myself welling up.
“Okay,” Brian said awkwardly. “I guess I have to go…”
I nodded sheepishly, “You’ll call me later?”
“I’m going to call you every hour on the hour,” he grinned.
He took me into his arms then and I couldn’t help but cry. My hands grabbed at his shirt tightly, like if I held onto him, he couldn’t leave. He squeezed tighter, shushing my quiet weeps.
“Hey, hey,” he rushed quietly, pulling away so he could cup my face.
He wiped my tears with his thumbs, smiling as if that might sooth me.
It did, kind of.
“We’ll talk soon,” he said lowly.
I took a deep breath, “I know.”
He took me into his embrace once more, like it pained him to let me go. I made a conscious effort to breathe him in, memorizing his scent and the feel of his chest against me.
“I love you,” he said into my hair.
A few more tears escaped from my eyes and I grabbed onto him harder, “I love you too.”
He kissed my forehead a couple of times, his grip on me tightening with time. But like all good things, it had to come to an end. We both knew he needed to go.
“It’s not forever,” I said, trying to be optimistic. “It’s just for now.”
He grabbed my face and kissed me aggressively, his tongue moving into my mouth without warning. I kissed him back, taking his hair into my fists.
“You are,” he said as he pulled away from me. “You’re forever.”
I nodded, “I’ll see you soon.”
He looked me over once more and then disappeared through the door. Despite my better judgement, I followed. I walked to the end of the driveway and watched as Brian climbed into Matt’s car. Matt pulled into the very end of our driveway to turn around, they both waved when they caught sight of me.
I waved back with one hand, holding my sweater closed with the other. Brian’s eyes stayed locked on me until they’d driven too far out of sight.
I couldn’t help but stand there for a while. It was like my brain couldn’t think of anything else to do.
But eventually I woke back up and made my way back indoors. The house was eerily quiet…it felt instantly empty. It was almost unbearable.
Chain-smoking was the obvious solution, so I ducked out the back and smoked four cigarettes in a row. Part of me kept expecting Brian to come through the door and thief the smoke right out of my hand. But he never did.
After my lungs were too sore to continue to smoke and the house was too much of a reminder that Brian was gone, I did the only thing I could think to do…I went the fuck back to bed and hoped I could sleep through the next six weeks.

Notes

:(

xx