“Matt, I swear to god, if you throw me into the water before I get out of my clothes,” Ellie tried her damnedest to sound stern.

“You’ll what?” Matt teased, interrupting her threat. He looked down at Ellie with a cheeky, dimpled grin from where he held her bridal style and continued to trudge further into the surprisingly calm ocean. His confidence wained when he stumbled slightly, almost falling into the water that was now around his knees, and Ellie called him out on it.

“You know what, that was embarrassing enough, not so macho now eh Sanders?” Ellie teased her best friend back. Matt didn’t respond. Instead, he threw Ellie into the water ahead of them and turned to make his way back to their friends quickly.

Ellie sputtered slightly when she popped her head above water. She let out a sharp exhale of air aimed upwards towards her face to blow away any excess water that was still on her skin before reaching up to try to tame her naturally blonde locks that were now plastered to the sides of her face. Ellie took a moment to enjoy the warm ocean water. It was nearing noon, on her 16th birthday. She and her friends had just finished writing the last exams of their school year. It was officially summer, and they had one hell of a party planned.

As Ellie made her way towards the shore, Zack made his way in her direction. He had, of course, laughed at the sight of Matt throwing their friend into the water, but he also felt a little bad that her clothes were now soaked. Zack had reached into their cooler and snagged a bootleg pre-mixed bottle of Jack and Coke, then reached into Ellie’s bag to grab her towel, and made his way to meet her near the water’s edge.

“Ellie?” Zack asked, pulling her from her memories. He had made a comment that had inspired her moment on memory lane, but being abruptly dragged back to the present left her a little scatter-brained.

“I’m sorry, Zack. What were you saying?” Ellie gave her friend a sheepish grin, which was answered by his green eyes rolling dramatically.

“I was saying that we always seem to gravitate towards the beach,” Zack let his attention wander to the open ocean beside them. They walked side by side a few mere steps from the edge of the tide.

“Well we’re on the west coast Zack, it’s essentially what you do in California,”

“Not exactly what I meant,” he said with an entirely serious tone, which prompted a knee-jerk reaction from Ellie to shift her gaze so that Zack was out of her periphery entirely. The breeze, despite being warm, raised goosebumps on Ellie’s arms. “We seem to use the beach as a crutch for our best and worst moments. Have you noticed?”

Ellie was silent, mentally cursing the fact that the holiday left the beach relatively empty, especially so early in the day. She was desperately searching for a distraction. She knew, getting on to the plane back in Miami, that her time in California would be spent repairing all the damage the last few years had done to her relationships. Knowing that in advance didn’t make actually addressing the issues any more comfortable.

“My sixteenth birthday was definitely one of those moments,” Ellie smiled weakly, which caused Zack to stifle a laugh, his left hand finding its way to the massage the back of his neck in a reassuringly awkward fashion.

“I thought I was such a gentleman, bringing you a towel and an apparently shaken up bottle of Jack and Coke,” a hint of embarrassment was evident in Zack’s voice as he spoke. “Then the fucking bottle explodes all over you. What a mess.”

“It was the thought that counts, right?” Ellie laughed at the memory. “At least I was already soaking wet, so I didn’t really care at that point. If I recall, I just took your beer anyways and left you with the mess. Besides, the rest of the night turned out in our favour. At least, I think it did.”

“True,” Zack laughed, his snakebites jutting out a little further from his lips as he smiled, recalling how the rest of the evening had transpired. They spent hours on the beach before grabbing some food and heading back to Brian’s house, where they continued to drink and got ready for a rare appearance at a larger scale end of year party that wasn’t hosted by one of their close friends. Zack and Ellie had been there for maybe an hour before they left the party, in their new found drunken infatuation with one another, and headed back to Zack’s house. The rest of the night is history.

“Did you mean it, what you said to me at Johnny’s yesterday? Wasn’t it really just an infatuation? Did you really love me?” The words flew out of Ellie’s mouth before she had even realized they had become more than a thought. She used whatever confidence she had left to look up at Zack, her eyes wide from her shock at her obtuse question as well as her anxiety towards his answer.

“God damn it Ellie,” Zack sighed, his voice not much louder than a whisper. Ellie winced as he stopped in his tracks and grabbed her hand to spin her around, so she was facing him and no longer at his side. Zack hated that her reaction was so defensive when the girl he used to know used to give him a run for his money when it came to their bold attitudes and confrontational personalities.

Ellie held her breath as Zack reached to lift her chin so that her gaze met his. This was one of those cliché moments where time seemed to stand-still, Ellie realized, and she felt her stomach drop in anticipation of what he was going to say.

“We just seemed so good together. I dreamed of the band being on tour, selling out venues across the world, and flying you out to see me, somewhere ridiculous like Latvia, just because I missed you.”

“Latvia?” Ellie laughed, which earned a groan from Zack.

“Not the point, Ellie. The point is, that as soon as I was really happy, as soon as my life was starting to fall into place the way I had hoped it would, you left. The band started gaining some local attention, we were actually booking shows outside of Orange County, and the only person I wanted to share all of this news with was you. Then seemingly overnight, you were gone. You started a life across the country, and then the phone calls came few and far between before they stopped entirely.”

“I never wanted to leave, Zack,” Ellie shifted uncomfortably in the sand as she took a moment to let his admission sink in. “It felt like I had no choice at the time. I was so worried about making my dad happy that I let his influence factor into every decision I made. I didn’t know how to keep up with you all from the other side of the country, especially when I felt like I couldn’t return to California. I hate myself for it; I’ll have you know that I regret falling out of touch. Life would have been so different.”

“It really would have. I imagined building a life with you. It took me months leading up to your birthday, and apparently a lot of alcohol, to even find the balls to make a move. I honestly never thought that you’d ever give me a chance. I always assumed you’d end up with Matt. I think we all did.” Zack’s eyes widened when Ellie stayed silent. Growing up, she and Matt had become accustomed to laughing off the comments from their friends about the likelihood they’d end up together. The teasings only stopped when Ellie and Zack became, well, whatever the hell it was they became.

“I see,” was all Zack said as he stepped past Ellie and continued their walk along the coastline. Ellie turned on her heel to keep in stride with him but stayed silent as he processed his realization.

“Zack?” Ellie sighed as she heard him mutter an angry ‘fuck’ under his breath. He whipped his head in her direction to catch her pleading gaze. She was a little taken aback at how dark his eyes seemed as he stared at her.

“Are you going to tell me what happened or are you going to just expect me to ramble on about how sure I was about us first? You’ve done nothing but make me feel like I am just a mistake from your past since you came to the show in Miami.”

“Well fuck, Zack, I wasn’t really expecting you to show back up in my life after all this time, let alone profess all of this ‘I wanted to build a life with you’ shit on me,” Ellie snapped, somehow finding a little bit of the attitude that she was known for as a teenager.

“Of course not, that’s apparently an inconvenience for you. Is that why Matt knew where you were in Miami? Is that why I had to find out through him you were coming home for the holidays? Has it really been him all along?”

“Not even in the slightest, you ass,” Ellie growled, agitated by his accusations. “If you really must know, I lost my virginity to Matt when we were fifteen, but that was a one-off. Ever since then, it’s been you. It’s always been you, Zack.”

Before either of them really had a moment to take in what Ellie had said, Zack had pulled her close and pressed his lips to hers. The kiss took Ellie by surprise; it was the opposite reaction she expected considering how angry he had been moments earlier, but within seconds, the familiarity of Zack wrapping his arms around her waist had Ellie’s thoughts melting away. At that moment, all she could focus on was bringing her arms up to drape around Zack’s neck as she gave into his increasingly fervent kiss.

Ellie flushed as Zack pulled away, a bewildered look surely across her features. Zack absentmindedly tucked her dark hair behind her right ear and flashed her a grin.

“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that,” he said softly, which riddled Ellie with guilt.

“I don’t know what you’re expecting of me, Zack. I head back to Miami in less than two weeks. I have school to finish, and I have my dad to worry about,” Ellie started, though it seemed like Zack wasn’t listening to her as she spoke. As she tried to muster the courage to tell him she had been keeping an enormous secret from him.

“I’ve been waiting for years for you to come back into my life Ellie, I think I can wait a few more months for you to finish school. That is if you’re not going to give up on me this time,” Zack reached out to take Ellie’s hand in his own as she smiled weakly back up at him. He was so caught up in his euphoria that he failed to notice how unenthused the girl in front of him was.

Ellie couldn’t keep up with Zack, mentally or physically, on their walk back to his car as he began talking of the Christmas traditions that he and the guys had since adopted: Johnny’s Saloon on the evening of Boxing Day and yet another evening of drinking on New Year's Eve. She made a promise to attend at least one of those evenings but had tuned out most of the details otherwise.

Once they had reached the parking lot, Ellie had intended to say goodbye to Zack at that moment, so she could have her walk home as a time to clear her head. Zack wasn’t having that at all and was insistent on giving her a ride back to her father’s house. The pure joy on his face as he leaned across the centre console of his vehicle to kiss her gently as he dropped her off haunted Ellie for the rest of the morning.

Matt popped his head over the wooden fence that separated his parent’s backyard from Ellie’s father’s. When his father had asked if he was expecting Zack as company that morning, it had sparked the singer’s curiosity. Sure enough, Matt peeked out the front window of his parents’ house to see that Zack’s vehicle was pulled over to the side of the street in front of the driveway. He was quick to notice that Ellie was in the passenger seat, that Zack had kissed her before she got out of the vehicle. From his bedroom window a few moments later, Matt could see Ellie absentmindedly staring off into space from her seat on the back step. When she seemingly hadn’t moved by the time Matt had showered and dressed for the day, he decided to go out and check on his friend.

“Oh Ellie,” Matt cooed as his friend turned to face him. She had been entirely oblivious to the fact her friend stood at the fence and thus, had jumped at his initial greeting. Her eyes were red, and her cheeks tear-stained; a look Matt was becoming accustomed to seeing her wear. Ellie buried her face in her hands and sobbed uncontrollably, her shoulders heaving so hard that Matt had to put a little muscle into the side hug he enveloped her in after he had hopped the fence between the two properties.

“I couldn’t tell him,” Ellie whispered after she sniffled a few times. “He’s just so happy to have me back. He’s convinced we’re going to be able to work out like I never left. How could I tell him that I destroyed the chance for him to have the life with me he had dreamed of?”

“Ellie, you need to decide on either telling him or keeping it a secret and letting it eat away at you for the rest of your life. I don’t think the second option is a good one, considering how hard you are beating yourself up over this at the moment,” Matt let his grip around Ellie’s shoulders loosen a little so that his arm settled around her waist.

“Why is it so hard to talk to him?” Ellie inquired as she wiped her tears with the back of her hand and let her shoulders relax a little. She intended the question to be rhetorical, but Matt had an answer for her anyways.

“Because you love him,” his tone was flat and even. His signature dimpled grin was absent from his face, and his hazel eyes honestly looked sad. Making eye contact with her friend had never been so hard, but at that moment, having his full attention fixed on her, Ellie felt like her heart was attempting to escape her ribcage. She felt vulnerable.

”Maybe once I did, but I don’t know how I feel about him now,” Ellie confided, finally finding her ability to voice her skepticism. Why it was so easy to say this to Matt but impossible to say it to Zack, Ellie had no idea. “It seems crazy to me that he’s so willing to jump back in where we left off. It’s been years; we’ve both grown as people. I’ll always have love for him, but I don’t know if I can say, at this moment in time, that I am in love with him.”

Matt chuckled to himself, his gaze focused on his knees, which were damn near pulled up to his chest thanks to how shallow the back step they perched on was. Ellie caught his barely audible “fuck it,” as he shook his head. In the time Ellie cocked a brow and just before she could ask what was so funny, Matt had turned his body towards Ellie and leaned towards her. He paused, only for a second, when he was close enough to Ellie that he could feel that she was holding her breath. Ellie’s eyes locked on to Matt’s, a million questions racing through her mind, but she didn’t pull away, and he took full advantage of that.

Matt’s lips against hers were gentle, the total opposite of the kiss she had shared with Zack earlier. He wasn’t pushing boundaries or fighting her for any form of dominance. It was a fleeting moment, a short and sweet kiss that Matt smiled into before pulling away from his best friend.

“I’m sorry for making things more complicated, but I had to put myself into the ring this time around. I sat back as you fell for Zack last time, I’d hate myself if I didn’t at least try,” There they were, those damn dimples, it seemed like they were taunting Ellie at this point. She could feel her cheeks heat up as she was sure they were starting to redden

“I, uh,” Ellie started, unsure of where the sentence she had started was going. “I’m not sure what to say, Matt.” Ellie chewed her bottom lip subconsciously as she stared at Matt, the dimples on his cheeks ever prominent, and his eyes so light they, themselves, looked like they were smiling.

“It’s not an outright, ‘I don’t feel the same way,’ so I’ll take it.” Matt leaned in and graced Ellie with another gentle kiss, this time on her forehead. “I’ll leave you alone, Merry Christmas, Ellie.”

Ellie managed a smile and the seasonal well-wish in return, but she wasn’t paying that much attention to the present. Matt’s comment about sitting back while she fell for Zack had her mind moving at a million miles per hour. Any of Matt’s past hints at having any feelings for Ellie had clearly gone right under Ellie’s radar. She was always under the impression that they were just friends despite the one intimate weekend the pair had shared. Almost as soon as Matt was out of sight, though, Ellie’s thoughts drifted back to her sixteenth birthday, for the second time that morning.

“Ellie! There you are,” A voice called over the music. The house’s stereo system cranked as loud as it could get; the speakers crackled every so often, and the bass on the system boosted so much that the floors shook. Ellie spun to meet who had called out to her, but turned on her heels too quickly and felt slightly lightheaded. No doubt thanks to the amount of alcohol she had continuously been drinking throughout the day.

“Oh hey Matt,” she attempted to reply cooly, as she reached an arm out to the wall closest to her to prop herself up against something sturdy. The attempt to look cool failed, as Matt just chuckled and shook his head at her, but leaning against the wall did help with her lightheaded state.

“Come join us outside, Jimmy managed to score some more weed,” Matt suggested with an outstretched hand. Ellie shook her head with a sheepish grin across her lips.

“It’s my birthday, you can’t tell me what to do Matthew,” Ellie laughed as she wiggled an accusatory finger at her friend.

“You’re actually about 10 minutes removed from your birthday there, princess. Sorry about your luck,” Matt’s patience was unwavering as he continued to hold his hand out to his friend, beckoning her to take his hand and follow him with a few flicks of his wrist. Ellie shook her head profusely.

“I promised Zacky I’d wait here for him,” Ellie started, choosing to address Matt’s raised eyebrow with another accusatory point. “We’re leaving,” Ellie stated in such a manner that made it evident that the rest of their group wasn’t welcome. Matt’s gaze flicked to his shoes as he took a moment to mull over a response.

“I guess that’s one way to get them all to stop teasing us about being made for each other,” Ellie lightheartedly threw an empty punch at Matt’s shoulder, giggling at his comment but oblivious to the hint of sadness in his tone.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Matt,” Ellie smiled as she made eye contact with Zack, who was a few feet behind her neighbour. Matt turned with her as she walked past him, his jaw tightening when he saw the proud look on Zack’s face when the two boys made eye contact. The second Ellie walked past Zack, his dominant hand found the small of her back. Ellie turned briefly to send a short wave back to Matt before she and Zack made their way out of the house.

“I would say I told you so,” her father mused from where he leaned against the back door frame. His voice, as frail as it was, was just enough to startle his daughter.

“I don’t even know what that was, Dad, so hold off on the wedding bells. How long have you been standing there?” Ellie asked as she stood, her knees cracking as they straightened, and dusted off the back of her shorts.

“Long enough to know that you probably would have enjoyed the flustered look on Matt’s face once he saw me standing here, had you been paying any attention when he was leaving,”Ellie rolled her eyes at her father, but was extremely grateful for the tension-free conversation they were having. It was a step in the right direction, and she was honestly thrilled that it looked like the animosity between her and her father was fleeting, despite knowing she still had to come to terms with her anger in her own time.

“Let’s just go grab a late lunch, I’m starving and mentally exhausted. All I want is food,” Ellie grinned as she held open the back door for both her father and her puppy to re-enter the house.

“Solving your problems with food, I see some things never change,” the small man mused, though the laugh that followed seemed too large for his frame. Ellie shot her father a look that feigned innocence at his accusation, but couldn’t keep it together. The pair were both laughing as they walked out the front door and made their way to the white sedan parked in the driveway. Ellie was handed the keys, which she took, unable to hide the look of surprise on her face. Their relationship was indeed on the mend, but it was bittersweet. Ellie vowed atthat moment to not take any more time with her father for granted.

Notes

Zacky's hoping things are fixed, Matt's admitting his feelings for his best friend, and Ellie has no idea where the hell she stands with any of this. Classic love triangle. Don't hate me.

xo