Another Cold State Line

I paced the bus. This was fucking insanity. It was insanity! That’s all I could keep thinking. The guys were staying far away from me as I kept pacing. I knew they all wanted to ask what had me looking like a caged bull.

“Matt, seriously.” Johnny put a hand to my chest. “Sit down and talk to us. We don’t like seeing you like this. We already lost one best friend.”

That hit me hard and I just collapsed on the floor. Arin handed me a beer. “I have a daughter.” It didn’t make it feel anymore real to state it aloud. It just felt like someone had dropped a ton of bricks on me. Every time I thought about having a child, my heart raced. I had missed five years of her life. As much as I wanted to hate Hayley, I couldn’t.

Brian stared at me. I could tell he was trying to process this. “A daughter? Who told you that?”

I looked at my best friend. “Hayley. We have a daughter.”

His entire face changed. At first, he probably thought that a random groupie had told me. But every guy knew how I felt about Hayley. They all knew our relationship. They knew that she would never lie to me, except about my daughter. I had to admit that there was probably a very good reason as to why she had kept my little girl from me.

“Why didn’t she tell you?” Johnny sat down next to me. The little gnome was a great guy. He may have been the youngest amongst us, but he took care of us like he was our older brother. “Do you know?”

“Honestly, I didn’t even ask. I just heard and hung up.”

Brian sighed. He picked up his laptop and turned on Skype. I could see him scrolling for a while before the phone rang. “Hayley, let’s talk about all of this.”

“He told you?”

“He’s freaking out, hon. Obviously, we asked. Just… is it okay if we ask questions. I don’t think Matt is fully functioning yet.”

I could hear some pain in her voice. “Is… does he even want her?”

Pain laced through my heart. How could she even think I wouldn’t want my daughter. I had never met her, but I wanted her. I wanted to be a part of her life. Of course, I wanted her.

“If you could see the look on his face right now, Hayley, you would know how much he does want her. He’s just trying to process.” Zacky sat down next to Brian. “Can we ask some questions now?”

“Yes, go for it.”

They talked for a little bit, but I tuned out again. I was so focused on processing having a little one that I didn’t want to hear the reasons why. The only one that mattered, I knew they wouldn’t ask yet. I knew that they would wait until I could focus back in.

“One last question, Hayley.” Zacky turned the laptop around so I could see her face. “Why didn’t you tell him you were pregnant?”

Tears trailed down her face. “All the doctors told me I could NEVER get pregnant.” She sniffed. “Clay did damage to my body that could never be fixed. Every doctor I ever talked to told me that every baby I could ever conceive would die.

“When I moved to Montana, I started to notice my changes. I saw that my hips were widening and that my lack of period was just completely gone. I thought it was from the stress and that it was just the final stages of what I needed to get over what Clay had done. I was wrong.

“When I went to the doctor and they told me I was three months pregnant, I just stared at the sonogram. There was no doubt in my mind that I would lose the baby. That’s what every doctor in Texas told me. I would not be a mother.

“When months passed and I was still pregnant, I was too afraid to even think about calling you. Matt, you have to understand that Clay had raped me so often while we were together, I FEARED that the baby was his. How could I give you that chance and then snatch it away if it was my abuser’s baby? And if it had been his, I wouldn’t want her.

“I would look at her every day and just think about Clay. When she was born, I feared she would be Clay’s. Then those hazel eyes opened and I knew. And I still couldn’t tell you. You would be so mad you couldn’t be there. And I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t even ready to be a mother.

“You have no idea how sorry I am for that, Matt. I wish we could go back in time. But she needs you, and I want you in her life… if you want to be.”

“Of course I do, Hayley. Can I Skype with her sometime?”

“Of course!”

Notes

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