Another Cold State Line

The tour bus was quiet. Normally, we would be running around and goofing off. Even during the Nightmare tour, we had goofed off a little bit. But this felt like something else. It felt like we had cut off one of our limbs and were trying to reattach it. Don’t get me wrong, Arin was a talented drummer, but he wasn’t Jimmy.

It sounded selfish to say it like that. No one would be Jimmy. No one could ever replace the Rev. Portnoy had been nice to have fill in. He was a talented drummer and someone our Rev had admired. But he wasn’t Avenged. He had his own works going on. Nightmare had been bearable with him, but this new tour felt like we were just going through the motions.

That’s how the entire album making process felt. It was like we had waited three years and felt we owed the fans. They had stuck with us from our emo, eyeliner-wearing days and they deserved for us to keep trying. We loved to make music that would never change. But we had lost our best fucking friend. It still hurt. I still laid awake at night thinking about what ifs.

“Matt, you okay?” Johnny asked, tossing a beer my way. “You seem more out of it than normal.” The little bassist sat down next to me.

Each of us had handled Jimmy’s passing in different ways. It all affected us differently. Yes, we had all lost our best friend, but he had meant something special to each of us. Of course, we all went out and tatted his memory on us.

I think Brian took it the hardest. He just disappeared into himself. It was rare that we even got a smile out of him anymore. He just went through the motions of playing, just like I felt I was going through the motions of touring now.

“I don’t know, Christ. I just don’t feel like everything is right with the world. It’s been three years, and it feels like we’re just trying to replace him.” I opened the beer and chugged half of it, hoping that the alcohol would take over my senses.

After the Rev’s death, we had all cut back on our drinking and drugging. For a while, I was afraid to even touch any of it. It felt like Jimmy would come and cut me down if I so much as tried to drink myself through my depression. He would want us to keep playing.

“Arin’s a talented kid, Matt. I thought you would have been happier after seeing Hayley?”

I smiled. “I was. She is… still as beautiful as ever. She has all these tattoos now. They don’t fully cover her scars, but they compliment them so well. She’s just amazing, Johnny. I wish we were dating or married. I feel so weird being the only guy here without a wife.” I chuckled. I never thought we would all be married and working on kids. It was never the image I had in my head for us.

“You should have told her to come with us.” He handed me another beer.

“She’s got a life, man. We didn’t talk much about what she did in the last five years, but she’s got a life outside of me and my world. Her world revolves around her ranch. I can’t ask her to step away from something she worked so hard to create.”

“You really love her, don’t you?” Brian asked, sitting down next to the gnome. “I always pictured you with her, Matt. Hayley made your dimples pop so much more.”

At that comment, my dimples did exactly that. “She’s an amazing woman. I’d be lucky to have her in my life again. I want her in my life again, but I feel like there’s something holding her back.”

“Do you think it’s Clay?” Brian opened up his own beer.

“Fuck no.” I sneered. That bastard had no control over my Hayley anymore. Did I just call her my Hayley? That woman really did have me wrapped around her finger already. She had always had that affect on me.

“What are we talking about?” Zacky asked as he climbed onto the bus.

“Matt is swooning over Hayley.” Johnny handed the lefty a beer. “He’s got it bad for her.”

“After all these years? That’s actually kind of cute, Matt. Maybe you’ll finally settle down and have a few kids.” ZV stuck his tongue out at me.

“Shut up,” I said, not able to come up with a better comeback. Before they could push my buttons about Hayley anymore, my phone went off.

“Your eyes must have been ringing,” I said into the phone. Carefully, I stood up and got off the bus. I did not need my idiot weirds to hear me fumble over my words because of this woman.

“What?” Hayley asked, laughing. “Were you talking about me?”

“Yeah, me and the boys were. What’s up, beautiful?”

I could hear her blush on the other line. “I need to talk to you, but I want it to be face to face. Do you have time to Skype?”

“For you, anything. Is everything okay?” I hopped back onto the bus and grabbed my laptop, heading into the back where the beds were. I didn’t care if the guys thought I was about to have phone sex. My woman sounded upset.

“Yes and no. I’m logged in. What’s your username?”

I told her and then hung up my phone as a video chat came through. Her bright smile popped onto my screen and I couldn’t hold back my own. She looked absolutely amazing. Her skin was radiant, as if she had just stepped out of a shower.

“Damn, you look amazing.” I had to fight not to drool.

“Thank you.” Nerves rolled off her. It was clear from the way she was biting her lip and kept looking down. Whatever she needed to tell me had clearly been weighing on her.

“What’s going on, Hayley?”

“I feel like once I tell you, you are going to hate me. And I could totally understand if you were going to hate me because what I did is awful. You should hate me, actually. Like you should full on just hate me, Matt.”

“HAYLEY!” I stopped her rambling. “I won’t hate you. Just tell me.”

“You say that now, Matt. But you don’t know what I’m trying to tell you.” Hayley took a deep breath. “Five years ago, I was madly in love with a man. He was everything to me and made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. Five years ago, I was dealing with a psychotic human who wanted to kill me. Five years ago, I left the man I was deeply in love with to go find out who I was. Five years ago, I gave birth to a little girl who has the hazel eyes and dimples of her father.” Hayley looked up at me and held up a picture of her in the hospital.

My eyes widened as I stared at the little pink bundle in her arms. “I… I have a daughter?”

Hayley nodded. “Her name is Julianna. She knows all about you, but… I was a coward, Matt. I wanted to tell you, but every time I picked up the phone, I told myself that you should hear it face to face. I’m sorry.”

“I need… I need time on this.” I clicked off the Skype call. I had a daughter. I had a freaking little girl!

Notes

And so Matt finds out.