The cold hair whipped against my face as I jogged down the street. All around me, the houses stood dark and cold, no one ready to be awake yet. The streetlights were still on, very few people awake and ready to greet the world. This was my preferred time.

Years ago, when Jimmy was still alive, I used to prefer the night. The night was dark and welcomed me with open arms. After all, there was a reason I was nicknamed Shadows. I felt more comfortable in the dark and the night. It was a time for debauchery, and I preferred it that way.

When Jimmy passed, I hated everything about the night. I would stay awake and have vivid memories of that fucker. I could still here the way he laughed, the way he created a new lyric out of thin air, and the way only he could drum. The nights would haunt me with memories of my brother.

But the mornings, the mornings, greeted me with the best parts of Jimmy. I started running in the morning just so I could pass by the pound that held his “stallion” duck. The duck only came out in the mornings now. Jimmy used to feed him at night, and I guess the poor thing hated the night as much as I did now.

The mornings I used to think. I would plan my day as I ran, letting all thoughts leave my head except what I needed to get done that day. It had helped at the time. Thoughts of Jimmy only plagued me at night and then I got to a point where I wanted to think of him. Our fans were the best part of losing him. They reached out and still wanted us to be together. We wouldn’t have made it through without them.

Sucking in a deep breath, I took the turn that would lead me back to my house. These days it wasn’t thoughts of Jimmy that plagued me; it was thoughts of my daughter. My little Julianna’s face stared back at me when I close my eyes to sleep. There was still so much Hayley and I had to work out. I had promised both those girls I wanted to be in their lives, and then I had left to go record.

My house appeared at the end of the block and I picked my jog up to a run. Maybe I could ask Hayley for a FaceTime tonight. I wanted Julianna to know me. We had been deprived of five years, and a huge piece of me was still upset at her mother for that. I know Hayley had her reasons, and I’m sure she thought they were good ones, but I had missed out on five important years. Julianna was already immersed in her mother’s world. She had no taste of mine.

My thoughts ended abruptly when I saw a familiar and slightly unfamiliar truck in my driveway. It was a navy blue covered in dust with a Montana license plate. The only person I knew from Montana did not live in Huntington Beach. She had decided Northern California would be a better place for her. The door to the truck swung open just as I thought that and out stepped that beautiful cowgirl and my babygirl.

“DADDY!” Julianna was out of her mother’s arms in an instant and straight into my sweaty chest. “Mommy said we were going to surprise you since you weren’t answering your phone. Is it okay if we stay for a week?” Her eyes that looked so much like mine looked up at me like I was her entire world.

I stared at Hayley who was nervously biting her lip. She had taken a leap of faith in coming without checking first, and I didn’t want to disappoint either lady. “Of course you guys can stay.”

Her smile lit up my world as those little dimples popped and her body wiggled trying to hug me. “Thank you, daddy!” After a hot shower, I walked downstairs to see Hayley pulling a blanket around Julianna. Apparently, they had got up at the ass crack of dawn to make the five hour drive here. They were both exhausted and clearly our little one was in need of some sleep.

“What made you decide to come down here?”

Hayley looked at me carefully. “Julianna could not stop talking about you. I tried calling you to see if it was okay, but you didn’t pick up, and I figured it’s better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”

Folding my arms across my chest, I looked at the woman in front of me. It was clear that she was trying to do the best for our daughter, but I could also sense that she was doing this for herself too. Whatever Hayley wanted to tell herself, she still loved me. There was still genuine love and care in her body for me, and that was apparent when we had sex.

“Is that all?”

She looked down at her feet and stood up. “You know there’s more, and it’s mean to make me say it.”

I snorted. “How is that mean, Hayley? You’ve run away from your feelings for five years. Take a leap of faith and trust that I will be here. That girl is already my world. I’m not going to give it up just because you’re scared of what will happen.”

She looked at me with a look I had never seen before. Her eyes were dark, something forming in her brain. “You do NOT get to act like I don’t have good reason to be scared. Have you been abused, beaten, and raped, Matt? No? Then don’t tell me I shouldn’t be scared, be cautious.” Her fingers were poking into my chest now. “That’s my daughter. She may also be yours, Matthew, but I get the final say.”

Her words left me breathless. Hayley may appear fine in the way she acted and talked and dressed, but deep inside her, she was still struggling with doubt, grief, and rage.

“I’m sorry, baby. I forget. You’re so strong now.”

“Strength isn’t measured by external forces. You can think I’m strong all you want, but if I don’t believe it, it doesn’t matter.”

I sighed. “Let’s talk about it after you sleep, I’ll be in the studio.”

Notes

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