Watching Matt with Julianna was like watching two halves of my soul come together. They were meant to be, and I wish I had told him years earlier. I truly wished I had. Matt was meant to be a father, and I think he knew that. Julianna certainly loved him. It made me happy to see the two of them together. I felt whole.

After our conversation, I had to think about what Matt had talked to me about. He wanted to be a part of our lives, and he didn’t want to uproot us. What he didn’t understand is that I didn’t want to uproot him either. His entire life was based in Huntington Beach. That was his whole world. His friends were there, his family was there, and who would I be to take him away from that?

That was one of the reasons I hadn’t told him about his little girl. There was so many, and none of them were actually good enough. I knew that know. But I was selfish, I still was. I don’t think it ever leave me, not after gaining my life back from Clay.

“Matt, I appreciate that. You will never know how much,” I said, and put a hand to his. “I don’t want to uproot you either, and I don’t want to take you away from your daughter. Your daughter loves you so much… you have no idea how much she talks about you.”

He sighed. “I’m sensing a but, Hayley. Please don’t beat around the bush here.”

“There isn’t a but. Just my turn to tell my story.”

Montana was big and beautiful and everything I needed. It was open spaces and no sign of humidity. It wasn’t home, but it could be. Rubbing a hand over my stomach, I took a look around again. This was a place I had sought for years after learning what Clay truly did to me.

This was a place for healing, and I knew that going in. I asked for a place where I could grow as an individual and learn coping mechanisms. Montana was going to be my new home until I was prepared to be on my own. I wasn’t actually sure if I would ever be ready to not be here.

“Miss Lewis?” A lady with blue dreads and a rounded belly approached me. “I’m Annabeth, and I will be your surrogate mother. Doctors appointment first and then we’ll settle you into your housing.”

I smiled at the woman. She was like Tina without the rodeo aspect. Already I could tell how much I was going to like this woman and this place.

The first thing I remember about the experience was the cold gel they put on my belly. That was the moment the future of my life changed forever. The little heartbeat, the little bean on the screen changed my life, and I was actually okay with it. It was kind of weird, to be honest, but I loved it. I loved that little thing already.

“Did you know?” Annabeth put a hand to my shoulder.

“No,” I said softly. “The doctors in Texas told me I would never get pregnant. If the father is who I think it… I don’t think I can keep it.”

Annabeth looked at me. “Adoption or abortion are always on the table. How far along is she?”

“Eight weeks so a decision will need to be made in at least another six weeks.”

I nodded. This was something I needed to think about. I had always been pro-choice. It was my personal opinion that a woman was entitled to her body and if she didn’t want a baby, she didn’t need to have a baby. I knew that I had always wanted children, but that choice had been taken away from me. Or so I thought… and I needed time. I would always need time.

“You didn’t abort…” Matt’s voice was soft. “Why didn’t you?”

“I don’t have a good answer, Matt. I really don’t. I almost did. I had the appointment set. I was ready to do it, and I didn’t. I can’t tell you why. I don’t have a good answer. I’m glad I didn’t.”

“Me too. What do you want to do, Hayley? I want you both in my life.”

“I know, Matt, and I want you in our lives. We need to talk more thoroughly about this. But I think you need to talk to the rest of Avenged about this as well. It’s not just your life or mine or Julianna’s. There are other people in this.”

He smiled softly. “I know. I will.”

Notes