Another Cold State Line

The smile never once left my face as I left Hayley’s house. It had been one of the best days of my life in a long time. Seeing my little girl in person was absolutely indescribable, and I just wanted to spend every day of my life in her presence. She may have looked like me, but she was all her mother in personality. Julianna was my heart.

“You’re floating, Matt,” Brian said when his face popped up on my Facetime. “I haven’t seen you like this since you first met Hayley. What was it like?”

“I love her so much already. I am ready to lay down my life for that little girl.” I smiled again, my dimples popping. “I want to be her father, and I want to spend my life with Hayley. There’s just so much there still. We talked about it, of course, but there’s so much baggage between the two of us.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Have an honest talk with the love of my life. I don’t want to take her away from her ranch. She worked hard to get it, but I want Julianna and Hayley in my life. It’s almost like I need them in my life. That little girl is so amazing, Brian.”

He smiled at me. “You’re in love, Matt. I’m glad to see you happy again. After Jimmy, I never thought we would truly recover, but finally it feels like we’re getting into a good place. You need this. You need to talk with her and see where you stand.”

I nodded. “Tomorrow, that’s what’s happening. She wants me to spend the whole day with our daughter. I’ve never been this excited!”
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Julianna nestled her head into my neck. She was so tired, I was surprised she was even able to move. We had had a long and busy day. According to her mother, she wanted to show me all over the ranch and her new friends. I had ridden a horse!

Every minute I spent with this little girl made me want to spend more with her. She was quickly becoming the light of my life. All I wanted to do was dote on her, hold her, hug her, and tell her how much I loved her. Five years I had missed. Five years because her mother couldn’t let me in.

None of that mattered though with my little one cuddled into my chest. As I laid her down in her bed and tucker her in, all I could think about was doing this for the rest of my life. She was mine, and I wanted nothing more than to keep it that way.

“Matt?” Hayley’s voice came down the hall. “Are you okay in here?” Her beautiful brunette hair popped in and looked at me as I stroked our daughter’s hair. She was just so stinking cute.

“Yeah, I’m just taking it all in. I never want to let her go.”

Hayley bit her lip. “Then we need to talk, don’t we?”

I nodded, standing up and following her down to the kitchen. Much like me, Hayley needed some liquid courage to actually talk through our feelings. There was a lot of pent up emotion here. I loved that woman, I really did, but there was so much we had to work through. As much as we each knew, we needed to figure this out for the sake of our daughter.

She handed me a beer and waited for me to drink some of it before starting. “I know you know most of this Matt, but just let me talk and then you can, okay?”

I nodded, fiddling with the neck of my bottle. We were really about to pour out all our feelings. I was ready, as much as I could be.

“You know everything that happened leading up to Clay. I’m not going to get into that.” She sighed and took a swig of beer. “Matt, what he did was… so wrong. I can never be the same person I once was, and I don’t think I want to be. The old me was so timid and so in need of someone to help her. Now, I have control of my life. The only person I really need in it is Juliana.

“But I had to leave, Matt. As much as I loved and love you, I had to leave. My entire life, up until that point, had been for a man. My childhood was all for my dad. Everything I did was to please that man and then it was all for Clay. You, you were different, but I didn’t want to let what happened to me destroy what we could have had.

“I knew I had so much to work through. I knew that I had anger and bitterness and resentment so deeply rooted in me that I could never be in a true relationship until I worked through it all. So I left. I had to. I had to focus on myself for once in my life, and I never regretted it. Not until that doctor told me I was pregnant.

“Clay was the last person to be in me. I thought it was his. I thought that man had gotten the last laugh. I wanted to kill it. I would not live with a child from that man growing in me. But they told me I was two months along. She was my little survivor. She had lived through the abuse inflicted by a very bad man, and I knew she would be like her daddy.

“I picked up the phone so many times to call you, to let you know that you had a little you on the way. But every time I did, I thought about how much rage was still in me. I was pissed at you too, Matt. I was pissed that you got yourself shot for me. How was I ever worth it?”

Hayley turned to face me finally, tears streaming down her face. I stood up and wrapped her in my arms. “You are always going to be worth it, babe. To me, you have always been my world. From the moment I met you, I knew you were it. And seeing that little girl only cemented it for me. I want you in my life, and I want her in my life. If that means we have to travel to make it happen, I am ready to make that work. I’m not going to ask you to give up your farm. You worked too hard for it. But I want you both. I love that little girl, Hayley, and I love you.”

Her eyes glistened as she took my face in her hands and kissed me. She pulled away slowly. “I love you too, Matt. I always have, and I always will.”

Notes

I am back loves! I'm still having a rough go. My back is all shades of fucked up from my car crash, but so it goes. I think writing is helping me feel better though.