From Mountains to Lone Stars

The worst part about going into surgery was waiting. You had to fill out all kinds of forms and then wait to get called back. Once you were called back, you had to wait for them to come and prepare you. Once the nurses had prepared you, you had to wait for the anesthesiologist. I think they were my least favorite. All of my last surgeries had been a nightmare because of my reactions to the anesthetic. Today, I’m sure, would be no different.

I started to feel the affects of the drugs as they wheeled me into surgery. I wish they had let my mom back here. I wanted her to hold my hand like she had for my last ones. I really couldn’t do this without my mom. Where was she? My body started to shake uncontrollably as they wheeled me into the operating room.

The room was completely white, covered in metal instruments. One of the nurses pulled of my blankets and that’s when my body really started to shake. It was so cold in here, and I was so small. It felt like a thousands icicles had entered my body. The shaking just got worse and worse the longer the blankets were off.

“Honey, do you need help getting onto the table?” the nurse asked. She looked at me, still shaking on the gurney.

“I’m really cold, and I’m really scared.” I could feel the tears form in my eyes and start to roll down my face. Both nurses looked at me and the sympathy I didn’t want to see was clear on their faces.

“We’ll help you.” One of the nurses came over and helped me slide onto the other table. She knew I was drowsy from the drugs they had given me. “We normally offer a teddy bear to the younger kids, but you look like you could use it.”

The other nurse appeared with a purple teddy bear in her hands. I reached for it and tucked it against my chest. The tears rolled down faster now. I was really and truly terrified. What if the cancer was worse than the doctor thought?

“Honey, I can see that game you’re playing. Relax. The anesthetic should be taking affect now.” Just as she said that, I felt sleepy and succumbed to the powerful drug.

The last time I had surgery, I hadn’t dreamed. All I remember was a nurse telling me it was time and then waking up in the recovery room. This time I dreamed. I dreamed of Matt. I dreamed of what we could be.

He was holding me after I woke up. It felt so right to be in his arms. My mom was watching us with a big smile on her face. She always could tell when I liked someone. She said there was something about the way I talked and acted that showed I had a crush. Of course, Matt was my biggest one. I was head over heels for the man, and I couldn’t have him.

He looked down at me, a smile with those dimples apparent on his face. Matt stroked my hair, calming me down. I was so caught up in his smile, I hadn’t even realized I had been crying. He had that affect on me, taking away my senses.

“The doctor said you did really good, Maverick,” Matt said softly.

I looked at Mom. I only somewhat trusted what Matt said. It was always Mom who told me if I was okay after my surgeries. She was the one who was there after I woke up from my appendix surgery. She had held my hand and told me it was okay, that I was okay. She was the one who had held me and helped me drink my Sprite so I could go home. It was Mom who helped me into the car and made sure I walked off my gas pain. It was Mom who made sure that all the bad stuff was out of me.

When I had had my carpal tunnel surgery, it was Mom who took care of me. She was the first face I saw out of surgery. She had held onto my elbow and assured me I was going to be better. It was Mom who held me close to her when I got the ice put on my hands and cried. It was Mom who took pictures of me totally spaced out with my hands in immobilizing braces. Mom was the one who woke up every four hours to give me medicine, to help me vomit when I turned out to be allergic, to help me to the bathroom, to bathe me. It was always Mom.

So now I looked to her, and I sent her the question I always did. Was I going to be okay? Had the doctors made me better? What was my life going to be like now?

My mom smiled at me. “He’s right, Alexis. You are going to be okay. They got it all. They just want to monitor you for a bit and then move you to your room for the next two days. The doctor thinks you’re going to make a full recovery.”

I woke up to pain lancing my stomach. There were harsh lights above me. Why was the pain in my stomach so bad?

“What’s going on?”

I heard something drop. “She shouldn’t be awake! GET HER THE FUCK BACK TO SLEEP!”

Something covered my mouth and nose. I felt a cold air enter my lungs. What was happening? Why wasn’t I supposed to be awake? Had something gone wrong with my surgery? Panic entered my skull, but I was asleep before I could process anymore.

Notes

Oh boy.