Gunslingers

It was weird seeing Matt again. We hadn’t seen him since Jimmy’s death, but it was good to have my best friend back. He looked older, more haggard. I thought after him and Rae being together, he would look better. But the man in front of me looked… war torn.

We could all see it too. Zacky and Johnny were giving him weird looks. The Matt we knew was lively and always greeted us with excitement and love. This man was tired, angry, and not at all like the Matt we had known since 2003.

“Hey, Matt.” Zacky pulled him in for a hug. “It’s good to see you back here. We’re glad you could make it on such short notice. The three of us wanted to talk to you about something.”

His hazel eyes looked between us all. I could tell there was some sort of underlying emotion there. “Okay, but I have news to share as well.”

I guided them all into my kitchen where Laura and our little Owen were sitting. Laura was pregnant again, a hand placed against her swelling belly. I was so lucky for her to be my wife. She was the most amazing person on the planet and had helped me through everything that had happened with Jimmy. Without her, I don’t know where I’d be.

“Hey guys,” she said and stood up, offering each of them a hug. She lingered longer with Matt, having not seen him in years. “It’s especially good to see you, Gunslinger.”

Matt smiled a genuine smile at her and gave Owen a high five. He was my son’s godfather, and it was their time together that let me know he had at least started healing a little bit. He shot me a look, as if to say this all needed to be very private.

Laura picked up on our silent cues and took Owen into the playroom. I watched as Matt started to pace my kitchen. He was like a caged beast. This was definitely a Matt we hadn’t seen in years. It was like he was going to war again, except he had already been far too many times.

“Why don’t you go first?” Johnny pulled out a bar stool. Out of all of us, he had been the one that recovered the quickest. I don’t think that meant he loved Jimmy less; I think he loved him so much he knew James would want us to move on.

Matt nodded. “First off, I was on the team that got him. I watched Bin Laden die, and after seeing that, I finally felt like I took the right step in healing. I gave DEVGRU my resignation letter. In two weeks, I am free of the teams. I want to come back here… I want to start writing and playing again.” His eyes met all of ours.

Shock was probably clear in all of our faces. We had always thought Matt would be a career guy, I think after Jimmy, he just wanted to move forward. And I think he didn’t feel he could move forward until he knew the guy that had been indirectly responsible for Jimmy’s death was dead. Now, we were happy he was taking this step. It felt like the old Matt was coming back to us.

“I’m sensing there’s more,” Zach said. He knew Matt best having worked with him for years longer than we had. They had always been the best team, and Matt moving on was what really pushed Zacky out of the military life.

“Rae aborted.” Matt didn’t look any of us in the eye, but the silence left behind from his statement was deafening. We could all tell that Matt had hoped she would keep it. “And I didn’t react well… at all.”

“What did you do?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

“We fought. We physically fought each other, and I called her a baby killer.” He sighed, his large hands rubbing his face. “I promised her I would support her, no matter what she chose. I think most of my anger was about her doing it without me there to help her. And we didn’t even get close to making up before she left for tour.”

All of us stared at our friend. We could tell he was hurting, but we were all pissed off with how he treated Rae. Rae was the sweetest person we knew, and she had fucked up with them years ago, but now Matt was doing a worse job than she had.

“You two are terrible for each other,” Johnny said, “I’m sorry, but you are. You guys are always fucking or at each others’ throats. Maybe this is a good thing that you two are fighting. Look, Rae’s our friend, but neither of you are ready for anything beyond anything.”

Matt opened his mouth to say something, but Zacky talked over him. “I agree with Gnome. You guys keep fucking up and in worse and worse ways. Eventually one of you is going to do something you can’t take back. I’m siding with Johnny. This is for the better, and I don’t think you should even contact her. Just move back to Huntington Beach and let her be.”

I sighed. “I agree as well. Even if she had kept the baby, there’s no way you two could be together. Rae doesn’t want to leave the military, and you want to be back here. Who would keep the baby? How would visiting work? Just let her go, man. Let her finally go.”

Matt looked at his hands. We could all see the sadness in his eyes. It was clear he still felt something for Rae, but we all knew it was from years ago. They had been bad from the beginning. They were not suited to each other, and they never should have been. Sometimes, the physical attraction just got in the way.

“Why do I still want her then?” Matt met my eyes. He knew I would understand best because I had fought against my feelings for Laura for so long.

“Because you guys have such a long history.” I walked over to Matt and put an arm around him. “You have always felt connected to her, and a lot of that has to do with what went on in Iraq, but you guys cannot be around each other without fighting. And when you’re just friends, you always wind up fucking. You are not meant to be, I’m sorry.”

Matt sighed. “Will I always feel like this?”

Zacky shook his head. “Of course not. Once you’re back here, with your friends, you are going to start to feel like a person again. And you have to remember she abandoned us for years. She hurt us as much as you have hurt her.”

“It’s going to be okay,” Johnny said and gave Matt a side hug. It’s actually good you came to this conclusion because we found a new drummer.”

Matt’s eyes turned to saucers. “Who?”

I smiled. “Brooks Wackerman.”

Notes

Finally updated.