Confession of a King

There were so many personality disorders that I could probably diagnose the man who sat in front of me with. The way his mood would change at the drop of a dime made a million things run through my mind, but I landed on one. This was a learned behavior. I didn’t truly think he had a mental illness; I think he just put up a front to act this way because inside he was probably vulnerable and insecure about something, no matter how rough, stoic and hard he was on the outside. Our last conversation on Friday was more on the up side of things. He was friendly, warm and welcoming, or as much as someone in his situation could be. I had learned that dealing with someone who has such a dominant personality, loves to be in control and power hungry, I had to submit myself to some of their needs.

I granted Matthew Sanders permission to not have to wear his wrist and ankle restraints during our sessions for the time being. This seemed to have lightened him up to me a bit and made him more willing to speak about things other than what was in between his legs. He had the opportunity of walking around my office and looking at different items like the photos on my wall, looking out the window, etc. We spoke about the boundaries of where he was allowed to go, and he had been respecting them, knowing that any break in boundaries and I would have him strapped up to that chair like a dog to a tree in no-time.

We had a great, working relationship going, and I was extremely impressed with myself for making a deal with the devil on this. I knew that some of the officers and guards felt as if I was being too loose with him, and that Mr. Morgan was worried about my well-being, but as of currently I wasn’t worried that Matthew Sanders would do anything to harm me. When we spoke months ago about the altercation he had with Maria on her last day, he assured me that he would never push himself on a woman, and I believed him. Something tugged at me to believe him, and therefore, I didn’t find myself scared of being in the room with him. Were the gazes at my breasts and vulgar remarks a bit unsettling? Yes, but knowing that he wouldn’t act upon his testosterone made me put up with it.

“Matthew,” I said while pressing the record button on my tape recorder and grabbing my pen, “Can you please tell me what you told Maria that made her act out in that video?”

Sanders stood at the window in my office, gazing out at the parking lot outside of the prison, an area that he hadn’t been in for over four years now. He turned and looked at me, “Ivy, I meant what I said when there were some things about me that you don’t need to know.”

I sighed and turned the recorder off, “There has got to be a reason why they acted out the way they did in that video. I lost sleep all weekend over what happened to you, Matt. It wasn’t okay on any level, and I just want to know if what she says about you was true. I’m looking out for you here.”

“Don’t,” he turned and looked back out the window.

I frowned at his response, “I’m not doing this because it’s my job. I’m doing this because I care about you and your mental health. How many years of that did they put you through? I don’t want to have to watch all of those tapes. It would be so much easier if you talked to me.” He didn’t say anything to me, just continued to stare out the window. There was that hard attitude again that I just couldn’t seem to get anything out of. With another sigh I spoke, “What deal do we have to make in order for me to get this information out of you, Matt?”

He let out a small laugh, “No deals, my love.” He turned on his heel and sat in his usual spot across from my desk. “I’m not giving you that information. You don’t need to know who I’ve killed, what I’ve done, from my mouth. You have that bitch’s files. You can put yourself through misery and watch the tapes. I love that you lost sleep over me. I lose sleep over you every night. I just can’t stop thinking about how good you would feel under me.”

“I don’t think she told the truth in all of her reports. I can’t imagine it. I know you were younger in the beginning and unable to control your emotions. I know that you were more talk back then, threatening her. You’ve been in here for a long time, Matt. You’re up for trial the sometime next year and you could get out on parole before your 10 years. They were trying to build a case against you that could keep you in here for life… do you really want to be in here for life?” I looked at him with sad eyes, “They were pushing your buttons to make you act out so that they could keep you in here longer.”

“Ivy, Ivy, Ivy…” he sighed and placed his head in his hands. “Like I said before, I’m getting out of here next year one way or another. Stop trying to help me unless you’re going to help me get off.”

“God damn you!” I grumbled and slammed my fists onto my desk. I pushed my chair back from my desk and threw my head back, closing my eyes. I let out a few deep breaths, feeling my chest raise and lower, then opened my eyes back up. “What the fuck could it be that you can’t tell me about?”

He shrugged, “I don’t want you to picture me like that. There’s no reason why you should picture me gutting someone, putting a bullet through someones eyes, holding someone hostage, in gun and knife fights, Ivy. You don’t need those images in that pretty, little head of yours.”

“You’re the mastermind behind a huge gang, Matt. I don’t think you can stop me from imaging anything of that sort.”

“You can’t imagine me in a better situation than that? I’m almost positive you were imagining me naked the last time I saw you,” he smirked.

I let out a small laugh, my cheeks turning slightly red, but then straightened the look on my face out the best I could, “I was not.”

“Then why are you blushing so hard right now?” He flashed his child-like, dimpled grin at me when I felt my cheeks heat up even more. “I think you’re only trying to help me because you want me as much as I want you.” He stood up and walked over to one of the bookshelves in the room, picking up a photo. “How old are you in this?”

I stood up from my desk and walked over to him, looking at the photo in his hands. I was sitting on the hood of a bright red Ford Mustang, my two best friends next to me. “That was my sixteenth birthday. I was so excited to have that Mustang, and ended up crashing it two weeks later just for my parents to get me a boring Civic,” I laughed, recalling that exact memory of when my parents handed me the keys to that car.

“I’ve never seen such a big smile,” he laughed and put the picture down. “I was sixteen when I first shot someone. Not a fatality, but actually shot a gun in the direction of someone and hit them in the stomach. I was scared shitless.”

“How old were you when you entered the gang world?” I asked quietly, not trying to press him too hard in hopes that he would open up in such an intimate setting.

“Fourteen,” he exhaled. “I was seventeen when I first executed someone. The thrill of having someone begging you to spare them for the last minutes of their life became addicting. It’s still addicting.”

“How many lives have you taken?”

“Murdered or destroyed?” he asked as if it was casual conversation then shrugged, “I lost count.”

“Why do you do it?” I asked looking up at him.

He looked down at me, “You tell me. You’re my shrink after all.” He laughed and smiled, flashing his teeth and dimples, “I’m done with this conversation today.”

“Thank you for having it with me,” I smiled and went to turn on my heel, but a hand grabbed onto my hip and held me in place. “Matthew, let me go back to my desk.”

“You’re such a tiny girl. How do you feel safe next to me knowing how much bigger I am, what I’ve done and what I’m capable of?” He questioned me, staring into my eyes with his hazel ones. “I could snap in a second.”

I gave him a soft smile, “I don’t fear you, Matt. To me, you’re all talk. You’re not going to kill me. You’re not going to assault me. I give you as much wiggle room I can, and I know you’re grateful for it an that’s why you comply. I don’t order you around like the rest of them. I only challenge you on a mental level, not physical. You’re nothing to fear.”

“You could give me more,” his grip on my hip tightened, then relaxed. “Your eyes shine differently when I catch you by surprise. You get nervous, yet excited. Your breathing caught in your throat. I watched you try to swallow.”

I placed my hand on his arm, “What an observation, doc. Is there anything else you’d like to go over today?”

His eyes glanced down at my arm. I saw his veins tense under his skin as his eyes tried to divert themselves back up to my own, much darker than before. He was trying to keep his composure. Trying to stay stoic. I didn’t want to push him, so I dropped my hand from his arm. His eyes were soft, but still dark. His lips pink. I watched him try to swallow just as he said I tried to do. He lost all dominance when I touched him. He allowed me to be in control.

Neither one of us said anything for a couple of minutes. I glanced out the window that was to the left of us, but I still felt his eyes on me. I looked up to meet his soft, hazel eyes and gave him a small smile, “Thank you for all your cooperation today. Try to keep yourself out of trouble this week. I’ll see you soon, Matt.”

I stepped away from him, his eyes leaving mine and staring at the spot I was standing in. I walked over to the door to tell the guards that his session was over for the day. As I reached for the handle, he spoke to me.

“Ivy,” my name came out of his mouth softly, vulnerably. “The next time your hand is on me, it better be around my dick, or you need to keep your pretty, little hands to yourself.”

I let out a laugh, a huff and shook my head, “There’s the Sanders I’ve been missing today.” I opened the door and looked out to see that Red had replaced Keith today. I frowned, “Where’d Keith go?”

“His shift ended when your session with this scum was supposed to end. About a half hour ago,” Red spat while stepping into my office, eyeing Matt leaning against my bookshelf. “You just let him have free reign in here?”

A devilish smirk came across Matt’s face, “It must really piss you off that I have a better chance of fucking her than you do.”

“Matthew,” I groaned and ran my hand through my hair.

Red pushed Matt up against my bookshelf, slapped the cuffs on his wrists and started to push him out of my office.

“So long, my love,” those hazel eyes looked deep into mine, then disappeared out of the room.

Notes