Confession of a King

“Look, lady. I don’t need to sit in here and have you listen to me talk about what got me in here in the first place. I did some shit I shouldn’t have done, and now I’m in prison for life. I was told that I was going to end up here since I was fifteen fucking years old. I’m twenty-seven now and always knew this was my fate.” The inmate, George Alvarez, who went by Big G, sat across from me with a scowl.

I made a note on my notepad about how he had been told from the age of fifteen that he would end up in jail. Hopefully he would open up to me at some point or another about his childhood to figure out why he went into the drug world. Most likely he came from some type of broken home, got pulled into the drug ring by someone he looked up to that promised to take him under their wing, and then made it big, but ultimately was busted.

“Mr. Alvarez, if you truly do not want to be here you do not have to come. I can dismiss you for a period of time unless something comes up where the officers believe you need to see me again. I would honestly like to continue your sessions, but if it is in your best interest to stop them, then we can.” I spoke clearly to make sure that if this tape were to be played, it would be apparent that I will be seeing Big G if he were to get in another fight, regardless of what he would tell the officers and guards.

He chuckled, “Lady listen… as much as I hate sitting here with you when I could be pumping iron or breaking skulls, I thoroughly enjoy the stares of hatred I receive from Shadows when he sees me enter your office.”

“Mr. Alvarez, I am dismissing your sessions unless the officers give me a reason to bring you back into the program. I do not think that you are ready to open up, nor are you in a place of complete struggle. I also do not condone you continuing to see me so that you can stir up drama and more fights amongst the prison community.” I pulled a dismissal form out of my drawer and began to fill it out with his information, “If you feel that you need to come back to these sessions, you can speak with the officers about it. They will be notified of the reasoning you just provided to me on why you do not want to leave the program.”

With an eye roll and sarcastic laugh, Big G spoke again, “Have you offered a dismissal to Shadows? Or is he fucking you so good that you’re keeping him around? There has to be a reason why you wear your skimpiest clothing on Mondays.”

“Mr. Alvarez, I’m trying to be professional with you here. I understand that you may be angered by me offering you a dismissal due to your provided reasoning, but your false accusations are childish and ridiculous. I will go get a guard so that you can see your way out of my office. Thank you for your time,” I placed my pen down, shut off the tape recorder and smiled at the man in front of me before making my way to the office door. “Hey, Red. I am dismissing Mr. Alvarez from the program. I will have the paperwork ready for Mr. Morgan in about an hour. Please see that he gets back to his cell in one piece,” I smiled at my co-worker.

“Let’s go, Big G. Back to your room,” Red cuffed the inmates hands together after unstrapping him from the chair.

As Red pushed Big G down the hall, Big G let out a scream, “Shadows has got himself a little bitch!”

I leaned against the door frame of my office and closed my eyes, letting out a deep breath. It was a harsh reality knowing that the majority of the inmates in this place are here because of a mistake they made maybe once, or a mistake that spiraled into something else. Most of them were not criminally insane; most were people that fucked up and are just so used to a place like this and feel like no one cares about them to the point where they do not want to take help when given to them. I had learned in school that a lot of times they weren’t going to trust you because they felt like you would pin something against them if they confided in you. It was necessary that we at least take notes of our sessions for the possibility of trials in the future. We were allowed to video record, like Maria did prior to me, or tape record as I do. If an inmate really wanted something to be confidential, they could request that and you were not allowed to take note of it, repeat it or record it. As the psychiatrist I was not only here as someone they could talk to, but someone who could honestly help them if they had some type of behavioral abnormality or mental illness.

I sat back down at my desk and finished the paperwork for Mr. Alvarez or “Big G’s” dismissal from the program. I also took the rest of the time that I would’ve been in a session with him to look deeper into Sanders’ file within the prison. I pulled up one of Maria’s video tapes of a session of the two of them, put my headphones in and almost spilled my coffee on myself from the first couple seconds.

”Shadows, has it ever occurred to you that you’re never going to get out of here?” Maria said matter-of-factly. “You’re going to die in this prison. Just as you deserve.”

Sanders stared at Maria. His jaw clenched tightly and brows held low in a angered look. He was younger here. He looked much more angry… much more wound up… and not as in control of his emotions. Two guards stood on either side of him… one of those guards was Red.

“What you did to those men… what your group does to so many people. Just for money. You are all disgusting. I cannot wait until the rest of them are locked up. Or when everything crumbles when they notice that their leader was killed in the slammer.”

Sanders let out a stifled laugh, “You act so big and bad when you have back up in here, bitch. If it was the two of us you’d have me on the other side of the room worried that I would kill you. I’m on top in here, bitch. I’m still on top out there. And when I get back out there, you better hope I don’t see you, because I might just gut you, too.” He sneered, then was hit with a blow to the back of the head by Red. Sanders just shook his head and let out a dark laugh, “I’m so intimidated…. not. I’m more intimidated by how hideous you are than the guards you have in here with me and your big, bad words, bitch.”

“Look, Shadows, if we had it our way we would’ve killed you already,” Red smirked. “But, we have a job to do and unfortunately we have to keep you alive until your next trial. We can only hope that we get someone higher up in the ranks than you in this place to take you out for us.”

Another dark laugh came from the young inmate in the chair, “You don’t get it, do you? There is no one higher up than me in the ranks. Unless you leave the state of California and look out into Arizona and New Mexico. Pick you up one of the Mexican gang leaders. Until then, I’m the one with the most pull you’re going to have in this bitch. Keep your act up and a sniper may visit you walking to your car from your apartment on 22 Klien Street in the near future.”

“Enough,” another blow to the back of the inmates head came from the back of Red’s pistol. “Are you done here, Maria? Do you want him in solitary or the commons?”

“I think some solitary would do him well. The angrier you become, Shadows, the more violent, dangerous, insane… even if your sentence were to be shortened at your next trial, you’d be deemed to mentally unstable to be in society because you’d be a danger. It’s best for all of us.”

I let out a shaky breath and closed my laptop, staring at the Apple logo on the top of it and trying to collect my thoughts. I reached down into my bag for my water bottle, my mouth was dry and my stomach was turning. This was not that long ago… it was about four years ago. They were trying to break him down and make him mentally unstable. Both of them… not just Maria’s terrible self, but Red, too.

“Ivy,” Mr. Morgan’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I looked up to meet his eyes, catching my breath. “I heard you have a dismissal form for me.”

“Ye… Yes, sir,” I stumbled through my files to grab Mr. Alvarez’s dismissal form. “Here you go. I’m comfortable dismissing him from the program on account of that he is not interested in the sessions, uncooperative, and confided in me that the sole reason he wanted to continue them was to stir up agitation and altercations amongst others in the community.”

Mr. Morgan nodded, taking a seat at one of the chairs in front of my desk and reading over the dismissal form. “Did he say who he was stirring up agitation with? You wrote here that he was doing it to cause altercations with one individual. Do you know who this individual is?”

“Matthew Sanders, sir,” I responded, fiddling with the cap to my water bottle, still dying of thirst and my stomach doing backflips. “He stated that he enjoyed stares of hatred from Mr. Sanders when he would enter my office for a session.”

Mr. Morgan nodded once more, “I see. Shadows, as the rest of the prison outside of you and I call him, seems to be a frequent visitor of yours. Do you have any idea why he would be angered over Mr. Alvarez entering a session with you?” I shook my head no. “Red made me aware that you have requested to no longer restrain Shadows during your sessions with him.”

“Mr. Morgan, I have learned that Mr. Sanders cooperates much better with me when he is given choice. He does not like to be controlled. He has a very dominating personality, and will bottle up the second you strip him of his dominance.” Mr. Morgan raised an eyebrow as I continued to talk, “I’ve gotten so much more out of him in the last three months than anyone else in this place in the last four years. Please do not doubt my capabilities to do my job. I am here as an outlet for these inmates, and am trying to help them. I’m not here to accuse them and make them feel like outcasts to society.”

“That’s why I hired you, Ivy.” Mr. Morgan smiled, “You have a fire burning in you unlike anyone else inside this place. It’s nice to have someone who can make the inmates feel as if they have an outlet and are cared for. I am glad you have such good relationships with some of your patients. I just want to make sure that Shadows does not take advantage of you, our your kindness, to make something work in his favor.”

“He did not rape Maria, Mr. Morgan,” I said flatly. “I can tell you that much. I think you all know that he didn’t do it. I’m unsure if anyone has watched the tapes from his sessions with her… but I had watched one right before you walked in here. I am highly disturbed from the way she spoke to him, and the actions that one of the guards took against him. They were plotting against him…”

“Ivy, go home,” Mr. Morgan sighed. “I think you could take the rest of the afternoon off and just rest up. I understand that you do care for these inmates wellbeing, but I think things are starting to get to your head and you need some Ivy time. Thank you for the dismissal form; I will be sure that a copy is placed in Mr. Alvarez’s file. Have a good night, young lady.”

“You too, sir,” I frowned as Mr. Morgan left the room.

He was right, I did need some Ivy time, but what I watched in that video deeply disturbed me. I don’t care how terrible someone was and the crimes they committed. If it’s your job to be there for them, you fucking be there for them. And the nerve Red had to smack Matt around with the back of his pistol like that. Matt must’ve been right that day; Red is a creep. I grabbed my things and decided that instead of walking past the guard station, where I knew Red would try to pick me up on another date that I would have to try to be nice about while turning him down, I would take the long way and go past the courtyards. The sound of my heels clacking against concrete walkways always whipped the heads of our male inmates around. These last three months, I’ve become immune to the stares, cat calls, and vulgar remarks from those who only see me as I walk up and down the hall to and from my office. The majority of those inmates who do have sessions with me do not act in that manner; most of them having built somewhat of a working relationship with me to where they at least respect me enough not to act out on their testosterone. I always tried my best not to make eye contact with anyone walking through the prison, but especially by the courtyard. Some inmates would pace the fence along with me, rubbing themselves, and trying to get me to look at them. The majority of those ones being in here for some type of assault or rape. Lucky for me; I don’t deal with those guys. I deal with the killers… they seem to not bother me as much.

Trying my best not to make eye contact, my eyes somehow linked up with a pair of hazel ones that I had grown to know so well over the last few months. A smile was playing on his lips; those dimples in full force. I stopped walking and gave him a soft smile in response, “Hello, Matthew.”

“Isn’t it a little early for your fine ass to be leaving?” It was a warm day, and he must have been working out. He was shirtless and there was a thin, glistening layer of sweat on his arms and chest. “Like what you see, Ivy?”

“I was dismissed for the day,” I said as my eyes shot back up and met his; my cheeks turning a slight tint of pink.

“I heard you kicked Big G out,” Matt snickered, “And you didn’t answer my question.”

“I watched a video today of one of your sessions with Maria. I want more information. What they were doing to you wasn’t okay,” I placed my hand on the fence. “I need to know what they knew. I need to know if her records are true.”

He grabbed my hand in his and pulled it through the fence, “there are some things about me you don’t need to know, Ivy,” he kissed the top of my hand. “You’re so beautiful when you’re nervous.”

I pulled my hand out of his and stepped back from the fence. Red suddenly appeared to my side, “What is going on here?”

“Fuck off,” Matt spat at Red. “None of your god damn business.”

“I’m fairly certain you just had Ms. Ivy’s hand in yours, Shadows. I think thats my business. You keep your hands off of her or you’re going to see yourself into a load of trouble like before,” Red threatened, trying to seem tough and putting his hand on his pistol, “I’m sure you remember.”

“I can take care of myself, thanks,” I said to Red then turned my focus back to those hazel eyes, “Matthew… You, me, Monday.”

“It’s a date, doll face,” those dimples were the last thing I saw before I placed my sunglasses back on my face and walked toward my car for the weekend.

Notes