Secrets I Have Held In My Heart

Robyn

I had been unsure of how I truly felt for Matt since I moved in with him. He had shown me nothing but pure kindness and hospitality. I kissed him, and it was amazing, like nothing that I had ever felt before. Not even with Brian. I loved how he pulled me close, and kissed me like it would never end. That kiss was pure ecstasy, but I had to hold myself back from doing more with him. I didn’t want him to turn into a rebound. I don’t know why I wasted all of my time with Brian, why I had kids with him. Looking back, Matt was there for me more than Brian ever was.

“Promise me something?” I said, pulling out of Matt’s hug. I looked into his hazel eyes that instantly made my heart melt.

“What’s that?” he asked me, looking into my eyes with affection in his.

“Promise that you’ll wait for me? That you’ll wait for me until I’m ready?” I asked him. I didn’t want to rush into anything, and I wanted to make sure that we wouldn’t. “I promise,” he said with a nod, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and stood up from the couch. “On that note, I’m going to do up the dishes and I’m going to head to bed. I’ve got a long day tomorrow. Talking to the divorce lawyer and what not.” I told him. I needed to find a way to get rid of my pent up anger from how pissed I was at Brian and his little whore. I could always take it out on some guy, but I didn’t want to have a one night stand after the feelings I had just discovered.

“Thank you for dinner” I said, taking Matt’s empty plate from him, I walked over to the kitchen and placed the dirty dishes in the sink with a sigh. Letting my mind drift off as I began to do them.

“Baby dinner is ready!” I called out loudly across our beautiful house. Three beautiful babies running through the hall. Alexis was just turning seven. Jackson was turning three, and River had just turned one. I had the life that I had always wanted. A loving husband, beautiful kids, a beautiful home. A successful art career. Hearing heavy footsteps come down the steps, I turned to see him. The perfect husband.

“It looks delicious,” He said, his voice deep and husky. I smiled and looked into his piercing hazel eyes. “Thank you Mattie, I made your favorite,” I told him, a large smile on my face. I had a hard time cooking dinner, not because of the kids, but because of the one growing inside of me. Yes, I was pregnant with our fourth child. We were waiting until it was born to know the gender. “How is the munchkin doing?” Matt asked me. I looked up at him and placed his hand on my belly. “You tell me, “ I said with a giggle. They had been kicking me all day, and was still going strong.

“Thank you for everything Matt,” I whispered quietly as I stood on my tippy toes to reach his lips so that I could kiss him. Marrying Matt was the best thing I had ever done. He was the best husband and father, that I could ever ask for. Brian had lost custody of Alexis and Jackson whenever he became an alcoholic after the divorce. He was still good friends with Matt, and the band had stayed together, but he hated me with a passion, and I quite honestly didn’t give a fuck. I wrapped my arms around Matt and squeezed him. Every time that we touched, he made my heart race and made me feel special, safe, and most of all, wanted.

“Robyn” I heard my name being called by Matt, causing me to snap out of my daydream. “Yeah?” I said in a dazed tone, and kind of confused as I shook my head. “Is everything okay,” His voice was full of concern. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just got lost in my thoughts that’s all.” I explained, brushing my blonde hair out of my face as I loaded the dishwasher with our dirty dishes. “What were you thinking about?” He looked at me curiosity filling his eyes as he stared right into mine. There was no way to describe what I was thinking about, other than I was living my biggest dream, what I considered to be heaven.

“It’s nothing really, just what I would love to have. What I have always wanted.” I said to him, looking away as I did so. As much as I loved looking into his eyes, sometimes, I just couldn’t look at him because my breath would get caught in my throat, I would lose myself, just looking into his eyes and listening to him talk. I could do that for hours, but sometimes I just needed to take a break, or else I swear I would just pass out. I had only just discovered these feelings, and I was feeling so much better, happier than I had ever been in my entire life.

“Are you sure it’s nothing?”

“Positive,” I said, reassuring him. I didn’t want him to know that I was thinking about a life with him, that we would have kids. Be married. I didn’t want to scare him off, make him not want me. I was enthralled by him, and I could only hope that I had the same affect on him, but I wasn’t going to push my limits. Turning on the dishwasher, I smiled at him. “I’m going to get some sleep. Goodnight Matt,” I said softly, hugging him and kissing his cheek, before making my way up the steps to my bedroom.

Notes