On Tour

"What do you mean you... think you..." Karma stuttered, looking at him like he'd just told her he'd seen the ghost of Elvis. She was dumbfounded. "The way I said it," he replied with a chuckle, calm as he could be. Her mind was spinning. Are we seriously having this conversation... With him INSIDE ME? With trembling hands, she pushed him off of her. He... he says he loves me... He... Shit.

Even after everything they had, Karma never expected him to have feelings for her at any point. It was Matt, after all. The living evidence that whores were not always female.

Karma had banned that thought of something more than casually hooking up so far out of her mind that she didn't even let herself think about it in the past. She didn't want to explore her own feelings for him. It was good while it lasted, but she never actually worried about... love. Wow. Definitely not prepared for this.

"Uh,..." she let escape as she wrapped herself in the blanket, realizing her clothes were scattered around the room. Suddenly, she felt exposed. Matt helpfully offered her the t-shirt he'd been wearing the day before. Not once did his eyes leave her.

Thankful anyway, she slipped it on. "Matt, I don't know what to say, besides that you have a pretty strange way of showing it," she whispered, suddenly thinking of Sarah, and of the groupie he had right after the first night. How could he do all that when he had feelings? Or did he just now think they came to be?

Her mind felt like an empty building in which thousands of ping pong balls were thrown simultaneously. Matt ... loves me? "Well, for starters you could tell me if I stand a chance, or at least how your feelings towards me look like," he responded. He was calm, almost as if he'd prepared for this talk.

"You're making it sound like it's easy," she remarked, and he threw her a sheepish grin. With his dimples, he looked adorable, like the mischievous boy he was. And he knew exactly that suddenly, everything he'd done wouldn't seem so bad anymore. He was right.

It was in that moment that she realized she had been so blind. Deep down, she had feelings for him. She wasn't sure for how long she should have known, but now she did. And maybe, she thought, that was why I went along in the first place. No sane person would hook up with Matt, Well, if they weren't in love.

"Because it is easy! You're making it way too complicated, Karma! Just... either you like me back or you don't."

Karma's eyes drifted around the room. When was the last time he chained Sarah to those bedposts, she started wondering. And who else did he screw on this bed? Ten? Twenty girls? Does he sometimes take groupies here, or one night stands? She knew she shouldn't think about his past when he was talking about real feelings towards her right now, but it was a part of him, right?

Suddenly, a small object on his nightstand caught her attention. The pretty gemstone reflected the light coming in from the window, making it look like the earring was glowing. An earring that definitely belonged to another woman.

Earth to Karma, her inner voice scoffed, it's Matt, the biggest man whore to walk this planet. You're not seriously thinking about that, are you?

She finally responded. "Matt, I'm sorry. I... I don't know... I mean, given the way I know you... all those girls... Ah fuck it..." Here I go sounding like a retard.

"I asked you a plain and simple question. Do you or do you not have those feelings in return?" His thumb under her chin, he gently tilted her head back a little, forcing her to look at him. A
questioning look was in his deep hazel eyes.

Suddenly, a pang of sadness hit her, overwhelmed her and took her into its fangs. I love him back, and then again I can't because he's just... disgusting. Because of all the women he slept with. Well, fucked. Sleeping with someone is something else. She swallowed as hot tears rose in her, but they submerged anyway.

"Didn't think I'm so horrible, huh," he said, and she had to smile involuntary. How could he still be in such a good mood? There was only one explanation. He knew it. He knew it all along that I love him back. But... "Come here," he whispered and pulled her into his arms. She sniffed. Her nose was stuffed, but his pleasant smell still hit her. Soothingly, his hands ran up and down her back.

Is that what I want? You do, her heart screamed. You don't, her brain objected. Karma leaned her head against his chest and attempted to breathe normally. "It's alright," he murmured, "but do you wanna tell me what this is about?"

Despite her better knowledge, she heard herself respond. "You're a cheat and a liar." It sounded so accusing. But hey, he asked for the truth. Karma almost expected him to get angry, but instead he smiled weakly. "No woman's desire," he added, and Karma had to smile again, realizing they were quoting one of her favorite songs, Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced by Dropkick Murphys.

When he saw that it made her smile, he continued, half-singing and half-talking the lyrics. "I'll probably die cold and alone. But just give me a chance! 'Cause deep down inside I swear I got a big heart of gold! I'm a monogamous man, no more one-night-stands, come on honey, let me-"

"I don't know, Matt," she cut him off.

He tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. "So you don't believe in people changing?" he asked. Do I? "It's not just a bunch of wild nights, Matt," she replied instead. He nodded. "Yeah, I've been an asshole pretty much all my life. I admit that, Karma. But I can't change the past. I can change now."

"How many girls are we talking?" Her voice trembled as she posed the question, not entirely sure what any answer, what any number would actually make her feel. "I don't... know," he whispered, remorse clearly visible in his eyes. "But as I said, can't change the past." His answer didn't exactly please her. He really lost count, wow.

"And now, what... what do you want? I mean, what... did you expect telling me this?" It was only then that Karma noticed how her body was trembling, almost like she'd taken an ice bath for hours. "You," he said with a shy smile. Me... "Yeah, you,"he replied, almost if he'd read her mind, "I don't know. A chance. A date. Or the answer that I don't stand a chance, and I'm done."

A date? A chance? Fuck... I don't know. "Matt, please," she heard herself say, not even knowing why she said it. "Please what?" he asked. "Please don't be in love with me."

"Well, what do YOU want? For me to continue casually screwing you while picking up groupies every now and then? Is that what you want? Because you didn't exactly look pleased the last time I tried that!" He grew louder with every word, and from his clenched fists Karma could tell she was trying his patience.

"Well, why did you do that?" He took a deep breath. "To prove myself I was not... having those feelings for you." Karma noticed how he purposefully avoided the word love, either because she didn't want to hear it or because he couldn't bring himself to say it again. "Didn't work," he added softly.

"I need time. Get out, I want to dress myself." He looked hurt for a second. "Don't you think I already know how you look naked?"
"I said get out!"

With tears streaming down her face, she dressed herself as quickly as she could. Away. Away. Away. Everything inside her screamed for her to get away, out of his house, out of town. She knew she needed to think. Hastily, she wiped away the tears an put on a brave face.

"I'm leaving," she said determinedly as she passed him outside the bedroom's door.
"I can drive you home," he offered, but she shook her head. Away, away, away.

"Listen," he said, sounding angrier than he probably wanted, "think well. I'm not going back to this." He pointed towards the messy bed. "It's either friends and bandmates or something real. Nothing in between. We clear?" She nodded in confusion before she stormed downstairs and let herself out.

She walked home the short distance. In the middle, it started pouring down, as if the Heavens were crying. Ironically, a song started to play in her mind, It Never Rains in Southern California.

"It never rains in California, but girl don't they warn ya
It pours, man it pours"

Yeah, it pours, Karma thought. From my eyes. Because of that stupid fucker. By the way, fucker is a pretty good way to address that fucker. Ugh.

Notes

Hey guys, update. Hope you liked the last one, too, didn't get too many opinions on that, sadly. Hope y'all had a great week, and tomorrow's Friday already!! <3

This is the song Matt and Karma are quoting:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Aar_Mapjyw


The song stuck in Karma's mind, mocking her:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqMEEvmfyQU