It surprises me that Zack agrees to talk things out so easily. I was expecting him to fight with me, or to make a snide remark, but maybe he is tired of this fighting just as much as I am. Since I was expecting him to fight with me some more, though, I don’t exactly have a speech planned to make him forgive me or understand why it took me six years to come back. I finish off the tequila, take a deep breath and hope for the best as I open my mouth.

“I know some of the decisions I made since I left here were wrong,” I pause halfway thinking he was going to say something, but he doesn’t. “I was just scared, Zack. Surely you understand why.”

“You could have at least come back when Eli was in jail,” Zack says. His voice was the calmest it’s been since the night in the bar.

I nod. “You’re right,” I tell him. “But I guess Eli wasn’t the only reason I was scared. After a while, you know, I kind of got scared of seeing you again. I knew there was going to be conflict and…I didn’t want that. I mean, at least if I stayed gone I could pretend that things were still good between us.”

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” Zack replies taking a sip of his drink. I sigh and try to think of another way to explain my reasoning. Before I can think of anything, though, Zack says something else. “I guess it makes sense, though,” he starts, “I mean, I don’t like it. I don’t like how you handled it, I don’t like that you stayed away instead of coming back to me but…I guess I get why you did why you did. Or, at least, I’ll try to understand it more.”

“Okay,” I say softly. I wasn’t expecting the conversation to be this easy. It almost makes me want to avoid my next subject. Almost – but the anger I feel inside me won’t allow me to stuff it down and ignore it. I finish my drink and take a deep breath. “Why would you take Gena to the NOFX concert as your first date? You claim you waited for me but that concert was in June, you knew I wasn’t coming back until at least August. The concert was a month after I left; it took you a month to go running back to her.” I try to keep my voice calm and steady, but it is clear how I feel about the situation. The thought of Zack moving on from me one month after I disappeared broke my heart.

Zack doesn’t look at me. I watch as he heaves a breath, how his shoulders lift and his chest expands. He slowly lets out the breath and closes his eyes as he sets his now empty glass down on the bar and finally turns to me. His eyes find mine and he licks his lips before they part to speak. “That wasn’t our first date,” he tells me. “I guess she considers it because that was the first thing we did together after you left but…it wasn’t like that. We didn’t start officially dating until after the second album. I only took her to the concert because she asked to go. I wasn’t lying when I told you I waited for you, Sheridan.”

“Why did you let her say that then?”

Zack shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess because I'm angry, I guess because a part of me wants you to hurt.”

“Why? Don’t you think I’ve hurt enough? You just absolutely hate me so much you enjoy seeing me in pain?” I ask.

Zack scoffs quietly and pushes himself from the bar. As he walks back to the sitting area he runs a hand through his hair and then lets his hand rest on the nape of his neck. “God, I don’t hate you. I wish I did, I’ve fucking tried but…no, I don’t hate you.”

“Not even a little bit?” I ask him.

“Like I said,” he tells me, “I wish I did.”

Zack and I stand in silence for a few minutes. I’m not ready for this conversation to be over. I know there is more we need to talk about but I can’t think of anything other than the fact the Zack doesn’t hate me. I’m not ready to leave though, either. I finally got Zack to open up to me and talk to me like he used to; if I left, who knows when or if it would ever happen again.

Fortunately, Zack continues to open up to me and he speaks again. “You could have found a way to get to me if you really wanted to,” he said. “We started touring before Sounding the Seventh Trumpet even came out. I was literally everywhere, surely you could have found some way to get to me.”

“I should have tried harder but…do you think it would have been easier? I wouldn’t have been able to stay. We would have had to go out separate ways again and that would have hurt both of us.” I tell him.

“Says who?” Zack asks slightly louder than usual. “You could have come with me. You could have toured the world with us and when we came back home, you could have done that too! I would have protected you, you know I always went out of my way to protect you. If you would have just given me the chance, I could have come up with a solution.”

I sigh and take a couple of steps in his direction. “We were kids Zack. I was young and dumb. Everything Eli was doing, everything I was running from made me paranoid.”

Zack is hard to read again. His back is facing me and he stuffs his hands into his pockets. I wait for him to say something, but the minutes tick by and he remains silent. I wonder if I should leave, and realize I know I should but I’m still not ready to. I have more questions and I need to know the answers to them, by the time I leave here today I need to know where Zack and I stand.

I wring my hands and contemplate approaching him but I didn’t know what emotion he is feeling. I wasn’t sure if he would lash out at me or stay calm. I nibble on my lip for a moment before deciding to keep the conversation going. “You never got your tattoo covered up.”

“What?” Zack asks, turning around.

I touch my arm where his Through Still and Storm tattoo is. “Your tattoo. I’m surprised you never got it covered up since you’re so pissed off at me and all.”

Whether he realized it or not, Zack covered his tattoo with his opposite hand. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I guess I should since the girl I got it for doesn’t exist anymore. Right, Sutton?”

“Please don’t call me that. Not you.”

“Why not? That’s your name now,” he said.

I sigh. He isn’t yelling but his voice is still on edge. “Legally, yes but…I’m still Sheridan. I am still the girl you got that tattoo for, I'm still the girl you fell in love with.” I’m standing directly in front of him now. I can smell the liquor on his breath and the faint traces of his cologne on his skin.

Zack is chewing on the inside of his cheek while his eyes search my face. “Are you?”

“I cut my hair and changed my name…other than that, yes. I’m still me,” I tell him.

Zack smiles gently like he is relieved. His fingers gently linger against my arm, sending chills down my spine. He takes a step closer to me and leans in to kiss me. It takes every ounce of will I can muster, every ounce of my being to step away from him. When I do, I can’t look at him. Zack's hand that once lingered against my arm falls down to his side and I stare at my shoes.

It takes me a minute to find my voice. “Do you love her? Like really love her?”

Zack sighs and walks away from me. “I think it’s time for you to leave.”

“Zack, I have the right to know,” I pursue him through the house.

“No, you don’t,” he responds. “You don’t get to know anything about my relationship.”

“Zack…” I start.

He turns to me suddenly. “Sheridan, no, okay? It’s none of your damn business.” He opens the front door. “I have an interview in like thirty minutes. Please leave.”

I stare at him for a moment, trying to think of something else to say but my mind is blank. Zack won’t look at me, so I have no other choice but to leave.

---

By the time Michelle calls me, I’m ready to make the drive back to LA and get some sleep. The conversation with Zack was exhausting. Seeing him with Gena, seeing their house together, their life together was exhausting. However, I know I can’t break my promise to Michelle. I don’t know if I want my old life back or not, but I know I will have no chance if I don’t talk to her about why I left.

On my way to her house, I prepare myself for the questions I know they’re going to ask. I know I’m going to have to tell them everything so they will understand. I go through the story in my head as I walk up the sidewalk to Michelle and Brian’s house – a huge white house with a big yellow door – and take a deep breath as I ring the doorbell.

Michelle opens the door smiling. “You came!”

I laugh nervously. “Of course, I came. I told you I would.”

“Yeah, but you know…I didn’t really think you would, to be honest.” She says.

Okay, I deserved that. “Is it just us?”

“Val is here too. Brian has an interview so he won’t be back until later tonight,” Michelle told me as she leads me deeper into her home.

As if on cue, Val rounds the corner. “Oh, my God! Sheridan! You look great!” She pulls me into a hug and rocks me side to side.

“Hey, Val!” I smile, hugging her back. She is the only one that seemed happy to see me right off the bat. “How have you been? How’s Matt?”

“Great! He’s good. How about you? Where have you been?” She asks, pulling away from me.

Michelle spoke up. “Let’s discuss it over drinks, yeah?”

“Yeah, drinks sound great,” I reply.

Michelle makes the three of us margaritas. I pour an extra shot of tequila into mine and sipped it eagerly. I slowly submerge us into the conversation I’ve always dreaded to have. I start from the beginning. I tell them about the rape and abuse, about the people I told, about the people that didn’t believe me. They already know the real story about when Eli put Gena in the hospital, but I go back over it. I tell them about the suicide attempt and the threats Eli made towards me and Zack. I tell them about the night before we all went to Vegas together, when Zack stayed outside my house all night waiting for Eli to come home.

“And then my mom died and Eli was named my legal guardian. Of course, I couldn’t go back home to live with him. I didn’t know what else to do, I left in the middle of the night. Went back to my house and packed a bag. I had some cash I was saving up. After that, I left town. I called Zack right before I got on the bus in Anaheim.”

Val and Michelle are silent throughout the entire length of my story and they remain silent afterward, too. The story is only half over, I still have to explain where I’ve been and why it took me this long to come back. My glass is empty so I offer to make more margaritas.

“I can’t believe you went through all of that,” Michelle says, shaking her head.

Val agreed. “And you didn’t tell anyone? Not even Zack?”

“Not until after my suicide attempt,” I tell them. “After that, I came clean about everything, that’s when the threats began. Um…oh, also Brian found out about it after the attempt, too.”

“What?” Michelle asks, surprised.

“Zack and Eli got into a fist fight right after. Zack was trying to get me out of there, Eli didn’t want me to leave. Anyway, it got pretty bad. Brian lived closest so we went there. Of course, he was still pretty pissed off because at this point he still thought that I put Gena in the hospital. So, Zack explained everything to him.”

“I can’t believe Brian kept this from me all this time!” Michelle says as I pour us all more margaritas.

I give her a half-smile. “I kind of didn’t want anyone else to know.”

“So, what happened after you left?” Val asks. “I mean, Zack was so hopeful for a couple of months and then…it was like a switch flipped in him.”

I take a deep breath. “I was supposed to come back on my 18th birthday. When I called Zack before I left, I promised him I would come back. He was to meet me on the pier and…I don’t know, we were supposed to have our happily ever after.”

“Oh, no, Sheridan,” Michelle and Val said at the same time.

“Believe me, it’s worse than what you’re thinking,” I sigh. And then I continue with the story. I tell them about the girl with the blog and the constant running. I introduce myself as Sutton Baker and tell them everything that happened up until when I arrived at Johnny’s Bar earlier today, with the exception of Zack cheating on Gena with me.

I listen to Michelle and Val as they express their outrage and their concerns. They ask if they should call me Sutton now, and I tell them no. They partially understand why I did things the way that I did them, but they are also mad that I hurt their best friend. I don’t blame them.

We are on our third margarita when my story ends. I’m tired and ready to go home but I want to see if I can dig up more information on Zack and Gena’s relationship. I know it’s wrong to go behind Zack's back to get the information I want, but he obviously wasn’t going to tell me, and I need to know. I’m not sure why I need to know, but deep down I know I won’t be able to rest until I know how serious they are. I try to tell myself the reason why I want to know so bad is because I don’t want to be labeled a homewrecker. I want Gena and Zack's relationship to be a “for show” type of relationship because I don’t want to be the reason Gena gets hurt. I try to tell myself this no matter how ridiculous it sounds because I want to feel okay about myself; I want to feel okay for sleeping with Zack.

“Sheridan,” I hear, pulling me out of my trance. Michelle is waving a hand in front of my face; my lips are wrapped around my straw but it just rests there.

“What?” I ask.

She laughs a bit. “I asked how your conversation with Zack went?”

“Oh,” I say, shaking my head. “It went okay I guess. I mean, as well as it could have. He uh…he took some pretty nasty shots at me at first but eventually he calmed down enough so that we could have a conversation.”

“What did Gena think of you showing up?” Val asks curiously.

“She was honestly probably more surprised to see me more than Zack was,” I tell them. Which isn’t a lie. “She had to leave halfway through though.”

“Oh, yeah,” Michelle says. “She’s doing Lacey’s hair today.”

I nod, knowing this was my chance to bring up their relationship. “Yeah, their house is beautiful. How long have they been living together?”

“A couple of months,” Val answers. “I’m actually surprised Zack asked her to move in with him.”

This piques my interest even more. “Why do you say that?”

Michelle and Val give each other unsure looks. “I don’t know if it’s our place to say.”

“Oh, hell, Val,” Michelle sighs. “If she sticks around she’s going to find out eventually. It’s going to slip up or she’ll witness it herself.”

“What will slip up?” I ask.

Val gives her sister one last unsure look before she explains. “After you, Zack has had a real tough time committing to someone.”

I shake my head. “He said they’ve been together for a couple of years.”

Val nods. “And they have, but that doesn’t mean Zack has been committed to just her, you know?”

I try to act as surprised as I could. “He cheats on her?”

Michelle and Val look down and sigh. “She stays with him because she loves him, and I think a part of him loves her but…” Michelle trails off.

“Wait, she knows that he cheats?” I ask. That part I wasn’t expecting.

Michelle shrugs. “I mean, I’m sure she doesn’t know everything. He used to hide it from her…I don’t know if he stopped caring or if she just got good at catching him, but he stopped trying to hide it. We would be on tour and he would just…cheat, right in front of her.”

I narrow my eyes. “That doesn’t sound like Zack at all.”

“That’s what we’re saying! After you left, Zack changed. He’s not the same guy he was in high school,” Michelle says.

“It fucked him up bad,” Val adds.

I shake my head. “I guess I didn’t realize how bad things were. How bad things got after I left.”

“But I think things are getting better for him,” Val says reassuringly. “I mean, he and Gena seem to be doing great. They recently got that house together and they genuinely seem happy, so…”

I nod but don’t say anything as I take a drink from my glass. Apparently, Zack and Gena have been putting on a façade for their friends, and maybe even each other.

“Maybe…maybe it would be best if you…maybe not come around very much,” Val says quietly.

Her words catch me off guard. I furrow my brows and open my mouth but before I can say anything, Michelle does. “Wow, sis. That’s kind of harsh.”

“Oh, no I don’t mean it like that!” Val shakes her head. “I mean, with Zack finally doing good, I just don’t want him to go back to this dark place he was in. I just think if you come back, Sheridan, it’ll just mess him up again. I still want us to be friends, I still want us to hang out. I totally think we should hang out all the time! I just think…Zack should not be in that picture.”

I nod and finish my margarita. Is Val really telling me who I should and should not be around? “I should go,” I stand up and instantly regret it. It feels like all the tequila hits me all at once. I want to sit back down but I'm too upset.

“Sheridan,” Val starts.

I shake my head. “Valary, I get it. He’s your best friend and you want him to be happy and I don’t know if you think that I don’t want that or that I'm here to sabotage his happiness but…”

“Of course, that’s not what she means, Sheridan,” Michelle pipes up. “We love Zack and we love you. We loved the relationship you guys had when we were kids.”

“But maybe you two weren’t as good together as we all thought. Or maybe you were too good together, too codependent, you know?” Val says.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I tell her with a wave of my hand. I drag my other hand down my face. “I’m going to get going. I have to work tomorrow and I'm tired.”

“You’ve drunk quite a lot. Maybe you should stay for a few hours to sober up,” Michelle says.

I shake my head. “No, I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you guys later.”

I leave the house as quickly as possible and stumble to my car. Michelle was right, I should stay for a few hours and sober up, but I couldn’t stay in that house listening to them tell me I wasn’t good for Zack for one more second. I lean my forehead on the steering wheel and rest for several minutes before pushing my keys into the ignition and starting my car. I won’t go home just yet; there’s no way I will be able to make it to L.A. like this. So, instead, I decide to slowly drive to the first place I felt at home after my dad died and before Zack came around. The beach.

Notes

An extra update for you guys this weekend because it was already written and i figured why not! Thank you so much for reading! Don't forget to comment, subscribe and rate! Happy Saint Patricks Day! Did anyone take advantage of Vengeance University's buy one get one t shirt deal?

Thank you to MiA7x and Tina7x for commenting on the previous chapter!

Title credit: Avenged Sevenfold “An Epic of Time Wasted”