My head hasn’t stopped throbbing in the last week; my diet has consisted mostly of tequila and big red chewing gum and I’ve been running on little to no sleep since I left Zack. I haven’t heard from him since that night and despite the several times I’ve stared at a half-written text message or the call button next to his name, I haven’t tried to contact him either. I bring my cigarette to my lips and inhale deeply, hoping the nicotine would help heal whatever was broken inside me, but as I exhale the smoke, I feel just as broken and lonely as I did moments before.

The bar is slow today but I’m not working. I hated having to come back here earlier than planned, having to explain why all of a sudden why I was back and needed to pick up as many shifts as possible. I was gone less than a month, but Rachel had already rented my room out, I wasn’t surprised, and I couldn’t be mad. After all, living in L.A. is expensive and she has bills and rent due. I’ve spent the last few days trying to find a place to live, knowing I can’t – nor do I want to – be there when Zack gets home but apartment hunting isn’t the only thing I’ve been doing since I got back to California.

Zack's voice still resounds in my head: You’ll never truly be a Baker. He was right, I can’t change him; he doesn’t want me so, therefore, there would never be a marriage, an exchange of vows – a promise to love and protect. I never would be a Baker like I once wanted to be.

A copy of the change of name form sits on the bar in front of me. The last time I filled out this form I was naïve. I hoped for a future I should have known would never happen – a future with me and Zack. Maybe, in the back of my mind, I knew it would never happen and the only way I would be a Baker was to change it this way. None of it matters anymore. Sutton Baker is dead and in the eyes of the State of California, I am known as Sheridan Davis again.

Honestly, I don’t feel like Sutton or Sheridan anymore. My identity has been lost over the years. I turned into a person I never wanted to be, did things I never wanted to do, said things I never wanted to say. I know I need a change in my life, a change of direction but I'm unsure where to start. Hell, I’m even in the same position I was years ago when I left Huntington Beach – alone, homeless, heartbroken.

I hear a squeak next to me, a sign that the barstool that’s been vacant for the last several hours is now occupied. I should leave, go back to Zack's and sleep off the vast amounts of tequila I’ve consumed, but when I look up I see a familiar face next to me.

“A change of name forms?” he asks. “What are you running from?”

“Tobias,” I smile, trying to seem less drunk than I actually am. “How have you been?”

Tobias laughs. “Wow, you are drunk.”

I furrow my brows. “I am not.”

“You smell like the floor of this bar,” he raises his brow.

“I know I ignored your texts a couple of weeks ago, but you don’t have to be rude,” I tell him, sliding off the barstool and grabbing the piece of paper from the bar.

“Sutton, I was kidding,” Tobias says, grabbing my arm as I stumble.

“Well, I may or may not be able to tell at the moment,” I tell him, grabbing onto the bar for support. “Anyway, I have to go.”

Tobias hops off his barstool and helps me stand up straight. “Sutton, you can’t even stand let alone drive. Let me drive you back to your apartment.”

I wave the change of name form in the air dramatically. “It’s Sheridan. Again.”

“Again?” Tobias asks confused as he begins to lead me out of the bar.

“Yep.”

Tobias shakes his head. “Okay, Sheridan. I’ll take you back to your apartment, okay?”

I shake my head but stop because it makes me dizzier than I already am. “I don’t live there anymore.”

“Okay,” Tobias says patiently. We reach his car he opens the passenger side door, then carefully helps me inside. “Where do you live then?”

I lean my head against the headrest and close my eyes to make the spinning stop. “I don’t know,” I mumble.

“You don’t know?” I hear Tobias ask, but I don’t reply.

I feel Tobias reach across me and hear the click of the seatbelt followed by the sound of the door shutting. A moment later I hear another sound and feel the car shift slightly as he gets in on the driver’s side. The car starts and a moment later there’s another click of a seatbelt being buckled.

“Sut – Sheridan, where should I take you?” Tobias asks me. My face feels numb, my lips feel like bricks and my tongue feels like a balloon, incapable of forming words. “Sheridan?” His voice sounds distant, distorted almost.

If I gave him a reply, I don’t realize or hear it. I feel the car start to move and try to open my eyes but they’re heavy and I'm exhausted. It wouldn’t hurt to just rest my eyes…just until I get home…


I’m lying on a cloud. Despite the pounding in my head, I’m comfortable and relaxed for the first time in weeks. My eyes flutter open and immediately sit up to take in my surroundings. The room is unfamiliar, and I snap my head to the bed beside me, wondering who I came home with but it’s empty and I'm still completely dressed. Before I can get out of the bed, the door to the bedroom opens.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Tobias smiles, poking his head in. “How are you feeling?”

I shake my head, running my hand through my hair. “Hey. What am I doing here?”

Tobias smiles. “You don’t remember, I’m not surprised. You were…completely trashed. You tried to drive home so I offered to take you…but you couldn’t give me an address so, here you are.”

“Oh,” I say, feeling the heat rush to my cheeks. “I’m sorry. I…I should get going.”

“Nonsense.” Tobias shakes his head as I climb out of his bed. “Why don’t you take a shower? I’ll make some hangover waffles.”

I return his smile and nod reluctantly. “Thanks, Tobias. That sounds great.”

“Not a problem. The bathroom is through there; there is already a clean towel waiting for you. I’ll be downstairs when you’re ready.”

I nod, and Tobias leaves the room. I slowly make my way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I don’t realize how gross I feel until I’m in the shower with the water running over me. I don’t want to overstay my welcome, so I shower quickly. I feel refreshed but wish I had my toothbrush or a clean pair of clothes.

Tobias is sitting at the table his phone in one hand and a forked piece of waffle in the other. When he notices me in the room, he smiles and gets up from his seat. “Hey, feel better?” he asks, motioning to the table.

“Yeah,” I say, sitting down. “Thank you, so much.”

Tobias sits a waffle down in front of me and a glass of orange juice. “It’s the least I can do. You, uh, you seem to be going through a hard time.”

“Oh, no,” I say as Tobias takes his seat. “What did I say?”

“Nothing,” Tobias says offering me butter and syrup. “It was more due to your inebriated state, the fact you told me you didn’t know where you lived, and the change of name form you had.”

“Oh…you saw that?” I ask, not looking up from my waffle.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” I tell him as reassuringly as I can. “It’s complicated but…I’m fine.”

Tobias nods, taking a bite of his waffle. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I appreciate it but…it’s so much…I would scare you away instantly,” I tell him, cutting into my waffle.

“Oh, I’m not that easy to scare away,” he tells me with a grin. I grin back but don’t reply. “Alright, at least tell me you have somewhere to stay tonight.”

“Yeah,” I tell him. “I’m staying in Huntington Beach, so…”

“Okay,” he says.

We sit in silence for a moment before I set my fork down on the plate. “Tobias, thank you for everything. Um, I don’t want to be rude, but I should get going. I…I have to get home.”

“Alright,” Tobias says. “Let me drive you to your car.”

I shake my head. “Oh, no. You’ve already done so much.”

“Nonsense. Let me just grab my keys and we’ll go.”


Tobias makes me promise to call him if I ever need anything. We agree to get lunch next week, and he kisses me on the forehead as we say our goodbyes. The loneliness starts to set back in on the way back to Huntington Beach. It’s Val and Matt’s anniversary and he’s coming back to town for a couple of days to celebrate with her. I was able to get ahold of him after I left, and he promised to bring my bags that I had left on the bus.

When I pull up to Zack's house, I sit in the car and stare up at it for a long time before getting out. I’m hoping to hear back from one of the apartments I applied for soon but with not much credit, and a bartender’s income plus the name change, my hopes weren’t high. I just know I have to figure out something before Zack gets home from tour.

I find my key on my key ring and slide it into the lock. The first time I used it, a part of me didn’t think it would work. I thought it was just another of Zack's many lies, another way to humiliate me because of something that was done seven years ago. I wonder if he will ever forgive me. I wonder if I will ever forgive him.

I open the door and walk in. The bags Matt is supposed to drop off sit in the middle of the floor a few feet from the doorway and I frown, wondering if he just dropped them off and left. If that is the case, I can’t be surprised – of course, he would choose Zack's side. I am lucky enough to have gotten him to agree to drop them off in the first place.

“Matt?” I call out, wondering if maybe he were still here for some reason. I hear footsteps, and someone emerges from the next room.

Zack has his hands stuffed into his pockets. “Hey,” he says.

“Zack,” I breathe, feeling a flutter in my chest. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I kind of live here,” he tells me.

I shake my head, looking down. “Yeah, I know. I just mean…I wasn’t expecting you to be here. I was expecting –”

“Matt? Yeah, I practically had to beg him to let me come. He said you didn’t want to see me.” Zack tells me. I don’t reply, and I don’t look at him. “I, uh, I tried calling you but you left your phone at the hotel.”

“Yeah, I know. I used Val’s phone to call Matt and…I’ve been using the phone at the bar for my contact number for my apartment applications and stuff.”

“Sheridan, I’m so sorry about the things I said. I was drinking and…”

“Doing drugs?” I finish for him, looking into his eyes for the first time since the night on the bus.

Zack sighs. “Give me another chance. I’ll stop, I swear.”

I shake my head. “I can’t Zack. Not only because of the drugs but the things you said, the things you did…”

“Sheridan…”

“Oh, that reminds me.” I dig in my pocket for the folded piece of paper and hand it to him.

“What’s this?” he asks, taking it and unfolding the paper.

I shrug. “What you wanted.”

Zack looks confused until he reads the form. “Sheridan, when I said that you wouldn’t truly be a Baker, I was just angry…”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s done. I should go,” I tell him, turning back to my pile of suitcases.

Zack sighs again. “You don’t have to go. I’m only here for tonight, I have a flight I have to catch tomorrow morning. Please, stay. We can talk and you can stay here as long as you like.”

I already have most of my bags in my arms when I turn to look at him. I love Zack more than I have ever loved anyone. He put me back together when I moved here after my dad’s death, he protected me against Eli multiple times, saved me from my suicide attempt. Zack loved me through my troubles and hard times, he was there after my mom died, he showed up with flowers on my eighteenth birthday and stayed for hours when I didn’t show…

But my heart is hurting. Every time I picture Zack in bed with those two groupies, every time I imagine him snorting cocaine, I feel a bit more betrayed, a bit more broken hearted. I finally understand why Zack felt what he felt when I betrayed him by leaving Huntington Beach so long ago. Once upon a time, I believed Zack and I truly belonged together and that we would be together through still and storm. Now there’s been so much damage done I’m not even sure if we will ever even be friends.

“I’m sorry, Zack. I have to go.”

“Sheridan,” Zack calls, reaching for me but I’m already heading towards the door. He follows me out of it. “Sheridan, come on. I know I made mistakes but…we both have. We can work through this.”

“Zack, please,” I tell him, shoving my bags into my car. I want to cry; I want to beg him to make me stay and I want to get in the car and run away all at the same time.

“Sheridan, just listen to me!”

“No, Zack!” I cry. “You will never forgive me for what I did, and I will never forgive you for what you did.”

Zack doesn’t say anything, and I get in the car, slamming the door and starting it as soon as I can. “Fine! Leave! That’s what you’re good at doing anyway!” He yells.

Despite everything, despite how much I love him, despite how much I always have and always will love him I know we are not good for each other. I don't want to - I can't stand another day without him but I have to walk away. It's for the best, no matter how much it hurts right now. No matter how much it will always hurt.

Notes

The End! The Sequel will be called We Can Try and will be posted on here sometime between now and next weekend! Thank you for reading and I hope to see you all during the sequel!

Thank you to Kimmie and overneaththepathofmisery for commenting.

Title credit: Mest "This Time"