So Far Away

I was sitting on the balcony overlooking the beach with my feet propped up on the small table when Matt woke up the next morning.

“I’m going down to get some coffee, want me to bring you some?” His shorts were sitting low on his hips and he didn’t have a shirt on. My eyes went to the deathbat tattoo on his stomach then I quickly looked away. I definitely didn’t need him thinking I was checking him out.

“That would be great, thanks.” He gave me a smile before walking back inside.

He reappeared ten minutes later balancing two cups of coffee and a bowl of fruit, still shirtless. He handed me one of the coffees and I gratefully took a sip, he’d managed to put just the right amount of sugar in it.

“So I guess we’re going forward with the pretend to tolerate each other for this week plan?” I asked, halfway joking. Honestly, the more I was around him the harder it was to stay mad at him.

“Look, Jerri, I understand how horrible what I did was but is it really so bad that you’ll never be able to forgive me? We used to be such good friends and it hurts a little bit to think that we will never be even close to that again.”

“Tell me why it was me you slept with that night when there were so many other girls there.”

He stared at the ocean for a few moments before taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “You aren’t going to like the answer to that question.”

“It doesn’t matter whether I’ll like it or not. If we are ever going to be friends again you have to be completely honest with me. No more secrets.”

“I liked you, a lot. Basically ever since I met you. It was something I had been struggling with for so long. I loved Val, I really did, but there was always something about you that I couldn’t shake. Then that night you were drunk out of your mind and trying to throw yourself at me and all reason left me. I finally had the opportunity to be with you when I had wanted it for so long that I couldn’t help myself. You have no idea how much I’ve regretted it. I don’t need you or anyone else to try to tell me how fucked up it was because I know. I will go to my grave and never be able to outrun the regret. I destroyed the lives of four people with that one mistake.”

I was crying as I listened to his words for whatever stupid reason. I wanted to be mad and scream at him but I could see how much he really did regret it. There was a darkness in his eyes that I had never seen before. I thought I would never be able to forgive him for it but now I found myself wanting to release him from that pain. I had no idea how to put my thoughts into words so I downed the rest of my coffee to buy myself some time.

“That doesn't make it any less fucked up."

Matt looked at his feet. “I know. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have those feelings for you….I mean I shouldn’t have had those feelings for you. Then acting on it knowing you were drunk out of your mind is so fucking terrible. Fuck, I’m a terrible person. This is just so-” his voice broke and he buried his face in his hands.

“You’re not a terrible person, you just did a terrible thing. If you were a bad person you wouldn’t feel this bad about it.”

“I could have fixed it! I could have told Jimmy that it was all my fault! I let you feel like you had to leave your home. There are so many things I could have done to change things but I didn’t.”

“You can’t dwell on what could have been or you’ll drive yourself insane.”

“What else can I do? My life isn’t anything to dwell on. If it weren’t for Avenged Sevenfold and the guys I would have nothing. All I can do is think about what went wrong to get me to this point.”

I was fucking crying again. Seriously? “Matt, I-I never imagined that you were so miserable, you've hidden that fact pretty well. I can see how much you’re hurting, how sorry you really are, and I can’t stand the idea of adding more to that. Yeah, you fucked up majorly but if Jimmy’s death has taught me anything it’s that we should live with no regrets. I don’t want to be standing at your graveside one day wondering what could have happened if I just would’ve let go of this anger. And to be honest, I’m tired of being mad at you. I’m tired of letting this weigh me down. I think it’s time for us to move past this.”

The breath was suddenly knocked out of me as Matt slammed into me and pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. “Can’t….breathe.”

“Sorry, I just never thought I’d hear you say those things. I can’t believe it.”

“Okay we’re just burning valuable vacation time here so how about we finish this conversation on the beach?”

-x-

Thirty minutes later we were stretched out on towels listening to the waves roll in. It was the first time I had actually felt at peace in a long time.

“Do you remember that time we introduced you to tequila?” Matt asked and I instantly felt sick to my stomach. Ever since that night just the thought of tequila made me feel like puking.

“I distinctly remember puking my guts up in the bushes behind Brian’s house. I literally thought I was dying. Still to this day I can’t drink tequila.” We both laughed until my stomach was hurting for an entirely different reason, a good reason.

“Life was incredible back then before all the bullshit. We were all friends and thought we’d take over the world someday.”

“I never thought any of us would drift apart and it’s kinda sad now. I really don’t feel like I know any of you anymore.”

“You seem to be getting on pretty well with Zack. Is it something serious?”

“No, it’s just something we both needed at the time. Now let’s stop with the personal questions, I just want to lay here and not think about anything.”

I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew Matt was shaking me awake. “There’s a storm moving in fast, we need to go in.” I looked around slightly disoriented and noticed all the dark clouds and a low rumble of thunder. The beach was deserted except for us. I jumped into action, shoving everything into my beach bag. I was just rolling up my towel when the bottom fell out and we were instantly soaked.

“Damn that’s cold!” I shouted then took off in a run. Matt was right on my heels when I stepped under the covered walkway that would take us back to our room. I was shivering by the time we made it there, in desperate need of a hot shower to warm me up.

“You’re freezing,” Matt pointed out.

“No shit, sherlock. Now open the door so I can go get in the shower to warm up!” When he finally got the door open I darted past him and straight into the bathroom. I turned the water temperature up as high as I could stand it and let it pour over my body. I could’ve have stayed in there all day but I knew Matt probably wanted a shower too so I was quick.

It was only when I stepped out onto the bathmat that I realized I didn’t bring clothes in with me. The last thing I wanted to do was walk out in front of Matt in just a towel, but there really was no other option. So I dried off and wrapped myself in the towel. It was shorter than I would have liked and barely fell to mid thigh.

I went over to the dresser I had stored my clothes in and pulled out skinny jeans and a Pantera tee along with underwear and headed back for the bathroom. I caught Matt staring out of the corner of my eye.

“Enjoying the view?” He quickly looked away and I couldn’t help but laugh as I closed myself in the bathroom again to dress.
“Thank fuck you’re done, I’m freezing out here,” he said when I emerged again.

“Don’t be such a baby.”

“Fair warning, if you don’t want to see me naked you better look away.”

“Why the fuck are you naked?”

“I couldn’t exactly climb under the blankets with wet clothes on.” He had a point but something about the idea of him being naked made me feel strange. I waited until I heard the door close behind him before grabbing my laptop. It was the first chance I had to get in contact with Zack and I was definitely going to have fun with it. I pulled up Skype and a few seconds later I was looking at Zack's face on the computer screen.

“You’re such a fucking asshole for this, Zachary James Baker!” His face paled slightly and I burst out laughing. I wasn’t a very good liar so no surprise that I couldn’t keep up the pissed off act. “Things are actually okay. I just wanted to check in and let you know I didn’t murder Matt.”

Notes