Strawberry Fields Forever

Amelie woke up feeling slightly disoriented late in the afternoon. On the nightstand, right next to a wedding picture that made her guts twist with an uncertain feeling, there was a note.
I’m in the other bedroom. Please wake me up when you’re up. M.

M. She huffed, reminding herself that he had kept something important from her. M. M as in M Shadows, a detail he must have accidentally forgotten to mention while pouring his heart out to her the night before. Another huff escaped her mouth. When she came home and parked the car in his garage, she noticed the winged skulls on the headrests and on a flag. They aroused her curiosity. She knew they had to mean something.

A quick internet research with the key words “winged skull” taught her that it was called the Deathbat. It was the logo of a famous metal band named Avenged Sevenfold, the one Lucile talked about. Despite not being into metal but classic rock, Amelie even knew some of their songs. She just didn’t know it was them. The singer – surprise, surprise – called himself M Shadows. His real name was Matthew Sanders and he looked remarkably like the man she’d met at the strawberry fields.

I can’t believe it, Amelie thought as she got out of the bed and carefully made it again. The boys were still asleep somehow, so she didn’t want to wake them up.
She drove his car, cleaned his house, washed his sons’ heads with an anti-lice shampoo and made them vegetable sticks.

And yet, she had no idea who he was. It all made sense now. The dead friend named Jimmy, the traveling, the tattoos, the crazy stories. She chuckled as she thought about his response when she asked him what he did for a living. Music, he said. Music.

She knocked on the other bedroom’s door. When there was no response, she pushed the door open. Matt was lying on his back in nothing but his boxers. For a second, Amelie lost herself in his beautiful tattoos. They were so colorful, so amazingly absorbing.
She wanted nothing more than to lay with him for a while and just trace them while he told her what they meant to him. His body, too, was absolutely drool-worthy. She had to practically force herself to look at his face, and only at his face.

His steady breathing was the only noise in the room. For a second, Amelie debated whether or not to wake him up but since he told her to do so, she decided to do it. But how? Surely she could sit down and gently shake him, but she knew how it would feel to touch him. And that was not appropriate at all, not in the bedroom he used to share with his wife. Nowhere actually.

“Matt,” she said aloud. Her voice sounded off. She still wasn’t sure whether or not to confront him with her newly acquired knowledge. After all, he was not obligated to tell her about his band. Still she thought it would have been nice to know since he didn't hesitate to tell her anything else.

Matt let out a sleepy grunt. “Good morning Rosebud,” he said as he slowly popped his eyes open. “What’s Rosebud?” she asked, suddenly distracted. “You don’t know the sleeping beauty? Man that was one of my favorite fairy tales as a kid,” Matt grinned, "I was so in love with that disney princess from the movie!"
He slowly sat up in the bed. “The one who slept a hundred years? Yeah, I know that. But I didn’t know the princess was called Rosebud in English,” she replied. In the German version, her name was Dornröschen, which literally translated to “little thorn rose”.

Amelie felt flattered that he had somehow just called her sleeping beauty. “Yeah, that’s what we call her,” Matt said with a dimpled smile. "And uh, just for the record... That over there is actually my bedroom..." Amelie felt all of her blood rush to her cheeks. Had she really slept in his bed? "It's alright," he reassured her with a yawn.

He looked adorable as he rubbed his eyes, nothing like... M. She didn’t want to say it. Amelie had no clue why she said it right in that moment, but before she even knew it, it escaped her mouth. “M Shadows.”

She watched in horror as his facial expression went from sleepy to shocked in under one second. “How long did you know?” he finally growled with a shaking voice as he jumped to his feet. Before she could reply, he hissed, “And was that why you met with me in the first place?” He grew louder with every word.

“So you could tell all your girlfriends in Germany you hooked up with the rock singer? Huh? Was it your lucky day when I decided to pour my fucking heart out to you and took you around LA? I thought you were someone normal for fucking once!” Oh no, she thought. That came out all wrong.

Amelie couldn’t take it anymore. He really had the nerve to make a scene right now? “Shut up,” she screamed. Her hands were clamp and suddenly, her throat felt dry. Her heart pounded from the sudden rush of adrenaline. Her scream must have surprised Matt. Whatever it was, it resulted in a baffled silence.

“I found out three hours ago. I wish you’d told me. And now you really think I could have done this to you? I’m mad at YOU,” She sounded pressed, speechless but somehow saying something anyway. She found no words, especially not in English. “I,…” Matt understood.

His cheeks turned crimson as he slowly sank down onto his bed again. “I’m sorry, Amelie," he said with a quiet voice, "I meet so many girls who are exactly after that. I thought you were different. And I was right. I’m so, so sorry. I should have told you. I know. I just didn’t want you to think of me as him. I’m not M Shadows. I’m just Matt, a man, a father, the guy you got to know last night. I used to be him, Shadows. He consumed me. I’m still trying to figure out who I am without him.” He looked at her. Amelie let out a huff.

“You could have told me, yeah. But you had no obligations whatsoever. Still I wish I didn’t have to find it out via Google,” she scoffed. She’d seen it all, the shirtless photoshoots, the “confessions of an a7x groupie” and “M Shadows stage boners” tumblr profiles, the fanfiction smut sites, everything.

“I promise I’ll be honest with you from now on, and I’m really fucking sorry,” Matt said. From his tone and his expression, Amelie knew he meant it. “Okay,” she replied, feeling far from it. There was one question on her mind. How much was real? He had a wife, so he couldn’t have had all those groupies, right?

“Daddy is screame!” River stormed into the room, dragging his brother after him. “Daddy whas happen?” he demanded to know. He was upset after hearing his Dad scream at Amelie and vice versa. Matt seemed to think hard about a way to explain himself, but Amelie decided to save him. His sons didn’t need to know what it was about.

“Don’t worry sweetheart,” she said, turning to River. “Your Daddy wanted to cook something special for you today and now he was upset to learn that we made something this afternoon.” River nodded. “But Daddy,” he said, pointing his tiny finger toward Matt, “you like! We maked piiiiisaaa. Uncle Brian and you like pisaa.” Matt nodded.

Amelie wasn’t sure how he would react when he learned that she made pizza with his sons. She just didn’t know how to keep them occupied. “Can we eate now?” River asked with an angry voice. “Nah nah,” Amelie reacted before Matt could say anything, “What do we say when we want something?”
“Please eate now!” River said, making it sound like a question.

“Yeah, your Daddy and I are gonna put it in the oven and then we can eat in about fifteen minutes,” she proposed. River ran out with an angry howl, taking Cash with him. Amelie heard him mumble something about the fire truck to his younger brother.

“You didn’t have to,” Matt began, softness in his voice. “It’s okay. I hope you like it. The dough is bought, I didn’t know if you had the ingredients to make a fresh one. I made a big one with ham and veggies and I let them pick their own toppings. If you don’t like ham, I’m sorry.”

“I love it, thank you so much. Are you joining us?” he asked. The smirk he wore on his face made his dimples extra prominent. “Actually I was hoping to. Ham is my favorite pizza topping. I like to add pineapple, too, but I know a lot of people hate it.” His eyes lit up. “Pineapple is the best! I’ll see if I have another can.”

Twelve minutes later, Amelie got their pizzas out of the oven. The cheese was melted and the crusts were golden brown. A delicious smell filled the whole house. “Some wine?” Matt asked. “Only one glass today,” Amelie retorted with a smirk. She couldn’t deny the attraction between them and she had a feeling he couldn’t, either.

After all, he’d said ‘So you could tell all your girlfriends you hooked up with the rock singer’. She grinned at the thought of that, but if it was going to happen at any point - which she doubted - it wouldn’t be too soon. It would be her first time and she wasn’t sure if she wanted it to be with someone who, according to a tumblr page, had slept with countless groupies.

Amelie didn’t know why it hadn’t happened so far. She was never that attracted to someone that she wanted it to happen, so it didn’t. She was under no illusions of having to find “the one” for it, but it did have to be someone she trusted and, of course, was physically attracted to. Someone like Matt, a voice inside her head whispered, and the thought was tempting. But then again…

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Matt asked as they did the dishes together after their meal. River and Cash had taken off to play with their legos. They’d promised to build something for Amelie and she had to stay until it was finished. She could tell Matt was pleased with this.

“I,…” Now or never, she thought. She had to confront him. “I wish I knew if what I read on the internet is true,” she said. She found that it was a good way to put it. “I told you I would be honest with you,” he said with a serious expression. “Just ask.”

“So,” she mumbled before clearing her voice, “there’s this website where, uhm, hundreds of women claim they…” She hoped she wouldn’t have to say it. Matt’s face expressed guilt, remorse and some anger, too. “Can we sit down?” He motioned toward the couch. As they sat down, he took her hand. Amelie did her best to ignore the sparks and the butterflies his touch evoked in her.

“It’s true,” he said quickly. It sounded like a band aid being ripped off as quickly as possible to minimize the pain. He pressed his lips together and his eyes didn’t leave their hands. “I thought you were married,” she whispered barely audible.
“I was,” he said, bitterness in his voice. “I didn’t deserve her. She knew all along, yet she never said a word.”

“How many, Matt?” She swallowed hard, knowing there was no way to brace for what was coming. How many groupies would a rock star sleep with? How long did they even have groupies? He was married, right? So maybe he cheated a few times. Twenty? Fifty?

“Amelie,” he said, using his other hand to cover his face. She didn’t say anything. “Look, I regret every single one of them. None of them meant anything to me. It's just... me being an asshole. Does it really matter how many there were?” Amelie remained quiet. She was certain that there was no way his answer would make her feel better about the whole situation.

After a long pause, she heard Matt sharply inhale. He cleared his throat, obviously wanting to say something. He looked upset, vulnerable even. “It must be somewhere between two hundred and four hundred in about five years of marriage. Even more when we were still only dating. Are you happy now?”

She wasn’t. In that moment, Amelie felt as if the blood was freezing inside her veins. Two hundred times? “Oh,” she heard herself say. Oh. What an utterly inappropriate reaction, she thought to herself. He pours out his heart to me and all I can say is “oh”.

“Yeah…” he said, uncomfortably running his fingers through his hair. An unpleasant silence lingered between them. “You know, it fucking sucked. I didn’t feel anything anymore. It was a mere competition who’d get lucky the most,” he said, clearly upset.
“Not even with my wife, I just… It was like everything was packed in cotton candy,” he added quietly. “I can only imagine how that must feel…” she said. She couldn’t.

“I mean, it’s my fault. But when you’re out there on stage and they keep screaming your name you kind of start thinking you’re someone else than just the husband, the father who loves coming home to his wife and kids,” he tried to explain, but for Amelie, there was no explanation, no justification.

“Can I ask you something?”
She swallowed, wondering if it had to do with this uncomfortable subject.
“Sure, go ahead.”
“Did you ever not feel anything with someone?”

For a second, Amelie debated whether or not to tell him she was a virgin, but decided against it. They were just starting to forget about their age gap, so why remind him of it? She thought about his question. Did I ever not feel anything? Well, it’s not like I didn’t feel anything with Daniel. But it certainly wasn’t what I feel with Matt when we’re close, though I probably shouldn’t tell him that…

“You know… I think with some people you just… feel more than with others,” she said diplomatically. “That might be right,” he replied before taking a long sip from his wine. “I should probably get going,” Amelie said as she got up. For a split second, she thought Matt looked like a sad puppy. It couldn’t be, could it? It's probably just because I'm so tired, she thought.

“What do I owe you for babysitting?” he asked with a nonchalant smile, “And would you do it again?”
“Of course,” she replied, purposely evading the first question. She didn't want money for something she enjoyed doing.

“Good ‘cause I have to be on the golf course at 8 in the morning so I was wondering if you wanted to stay over.” She didn’t have to think too long about his offer. A night in a real bed versus having to hear Lucile’s moaning for hours? That choice definitely wasn’t hard to make.

“Why not?”
“You know,” he chuckled as he slipped her a hundred bucks, “I should really hire you.”

She grinned as she made her way to the bedroom, and she made sure to pick the right one this time.

Notes

Hellooo lovies! UPDATE! I made an extra long one this time so you'll be busy on this beautiful Sunday.
Hope you liked it :) Tell me what you think