Flames
Vulnerable
“Share with me the blankets that you're wrapped in
Because it's cold outside, cold outside, it's cold outside
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because it's cold inside, cold inside, it's cold inside
And you're slowly shaking finger tips
Show that you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care
Tell me, tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible
I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clearer
If you could only see in the mirror what I see”
I quickly turn the radio off before I completely lose what little bit of strength I have left in me. Taking a deep breath I pull onto Hurley’s road and silently send up a prayer that everyone has already left from the BBQ earlier. I’ve been driving around for a few hours now hoping to miss everyone there. I see only Hurley’s car in the driveway and a small smile graces my face as I pull in behind her. Getting out of my car I head inside. I place my keys on the table and call out my best friends’ name. After a moment I hear the soft footsteps that belong to the one person that knows me better than I know myself heading towards me. I glance up to see a frown on her face as she clears her throat.
“I was wondering when you were going to show up. Well come on. I don’t want to just stand in the doorway all night.” She says before turning around and heading to the living room. I follow behind her not saying a word as she hands me a drink and sits down on the couch waiting for me to start talking. I take a sip of my drink, Southern Comfort and Diet coke, before setting it on the table and glancing over at her. Not sure where to start I just keep my mouth shut after a moment Hurls breaks the silence.
“Matt’s over at your house right now, Brian called right after you left. He was a mess so Matt went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.” She says while watching me as she spoke hoping to see a reaction out of me. I feel my heart tighten a little knowing that Brian is in pain but I quickly push the feeling away.
“Well he brought this upon himself.” I reply, shrugging my shoulders. I stare down at a spot on the floor so I don’t have to see the disappointed look on her face.
“And how exactly did he bring it on himself?” She questions before taking a big gulp of her drink which means she is starting to get mad.
“He brought Trey into our argument. He had no right to do that. He knows how I feel about him.”
“Damn it Ad it’s been 10 years. How long are you going to let him control your life? Was it not bad enough that he did it while he was alive? You are so much better than this Ads.” She exclaims before getting up and going into the kitchen and returning a second later with the SoCo in one hand and a bottle of coke in another. She glances over at me and sighs.
“I’m gonna need to be drunk if we have to talk about him and I’m pretty sure you need to be too.” She pours herself another drink and sits back down.
“I don’t know what to do Hurls. Brian knew what he was getting into when he got with me. I told him I would always love Trey but he said he could deal with it. So why is he getting so upset about it.” I whine before gulping down the rest of my drink, reaching for the bottle for some more.
“Yeah he did know Ad but it’s been 10 years. He thought by now you would have realized what real love is and get over that destruction that you called a relationship with Trey. Why do you choose to be miserable for the rest of your life over someone that made you miserable when you were together?” She asks while watching me for some kind of answer. But I didn’t have one, not one that she would understand. She’s been with Matt since freshmen year. She didn’t know what it was like.
“I love him. He was my first love. He showed me what love was.” I reply while going back to staring at the floor. Hurley snorts and I look up in confusion to see a scowl on her face.
“Love? That’s what you thought that was? No Adalay that wasn’t love. What me and Matt have is love. What Zacky and Ally have is love. What Jimmy and Bailey have is love. What you and Trey had was not love. It was control. He controlled every aspect of your life back then. You dropped out of school because he didn’t want you out of his sight. He beat the shit out of you on multiple occasions, cheated on you more times than you could count, and made you feel worthless. If that’s love then I will never be in love. He brain washed you into not seeing your family and friends. He made you think that you were fucking lucky to have him.” Her tone softens some when the tears start streaming down my face. She gets up and moves towards me, sitting on the coffee table in front of me.
“Ads look at me.” She whispers softly. I look up to see tears forming in her eyes which makes me cry even more.
“Ad you don’t have to be miserable the rest of your life. You know he was the lucky one. And Brian loves you so much. He has been more than patient with you over the years but I don’t know how much more he can take. You have to let Trey go. Not only for your sake but Brian’s too. You need to get back on your medicine and go back to counseling; it seemed to really help when everything first happened. I’ll even go with you if you want and I’m sure Brian would too. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She questions with a softness in her voice. I slowly nod even though I know it’s easier said than done.
“Good. Now how about I go get some food and you pick out a movie.” She says while standing up and heading back to the kitchen. I nod even though I know she doesn’t see me before walking over to the bookshelf to pick a movie out. I pick out House of 1000 Corpses and sit back down on the couch, going over the conversation we just had in my head. Maybe Hurley is right. Maybe it’s time to go back to a therapist. I mean what could it hurt?
“Ok so the popcorn is popping and here’s the ice-cream.” Hurley says while walking into the living room and handing me a bowl. I place a smile on my face and thank her as she starts the movie. I get comfortable on the couch and turn my mind off as I get engrossed into the movie knowing that at least for a while I won’t have to think about how much my life is turned upside down.
Because it's cold outside, cold outside, it's cold outside
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because it's cold inside, cold inside, it's cold inside
And you're slowly shaking finger tips
Show that you're scared like me so
Let's pretend we're alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know we're unprepared
But I don't care
Tell me, tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible?
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure
Please don't tell me that I'm the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible
I was born to tell you I love you
Isn't that a song already?
I get a B in originality
And it's true I can't go on without you
Your smile makes me see clearer
If you could only see in the mirror what I see”
I quickly turn the radio off before I completely lose what little bit of strength I have left in me. Taking a deep breath I pull onto Hurley’s road and silently send up a prayer that everyone has already left from the BBQ earlier. I’ve been driving around for a few hours now hoping to miss everyone there. I see only Hurley’s car in the driveway and a small smile graces my face as I pull in behind her. Getting out of my car I head inside. I place my keys on the table and call out my best friends’ name. After a moment I hear the soft footsteps that belong to the one person that knows me better than I know myself heading towards me. I glance up to see a frown on her face as she clears her throat.
“I was wondering when you were going to show up. Well come on. I don’t want to just stand in the doorway all night.” She says before turning around and heading to the living room. I follow behind her not saying a word as she hands me a drink and sits down on the couch waiting for me to start talking. I take a sip of my drink, Southern Comfort and Diet coke, before setting it on the table and glancing over at her. Not sure where to start I just keep my mouth shut after a moment Hurls breaks the silence.
“Matt’s over at your house right now, Brian called right after you left. He was a mess so Matt went to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.” She says while watching me as she spoke hoping to see a reaction out of me. I feel my heart tighten a little knowing that Brian is in pain but I quickly push the feeling away.
“Well he brought this upon himself.” I reply, shrugging my shoulders. I stare down at a spot on the floor so I don’t have to see the disappointed look on her face.
“And how exactly did he bring it on himself?” She questions before taking a big gulp of her drink which means she is starting to get mad.
“He brought Trey into our argument. He had no right to do that. He knows how I feel about him.”
“Damn it Ad it’s been 10 years. How long are you going to let him control your life? Was it not bad enough that he did it while he was alive? You are so much better than this Ads.” She exclaims before getting up and going into the kitchen and returning a second later with the SoCo in one hand and a bottle of coke in another. She glances over at me and sighs.
“I’m gonna need to be drunk if we have to talk about him and I’m pretty sure you need to be too.” She pours herself another drink and sits back down.
“I don’t know what to do Hurls. Brian knew what he was getting into when he got with me. I told him I would always love Trey but he said he could deal with it. So why is he getting so upset about it.” I whine before gulping down the rest of my drink, reaching for the bottle for some more.
“Yeah he did know Ad but it’s been 10 years. He thought by now you would have realized what real love is and get over that destruction that you called a relationship with Trey. Why do you choose to be miserable for the rest of your life over someone that made you miserable when you were together?” She asks while watching me for some kind of answer. But I didn’t have one, not one that she would understand. She’s been with Matt since freshmen year. She didn’t know what it was like.
“I love him. He was my first love. He showed me what love was.” I reply while going back to staring at the floor. Hurley snorts and I look up in confusion to see a scowl on her face.
“Love? That’s what you thought that was? No Adalay that wasn’t love. What me and Matt have is love. What Zacky and Ally have is love. What Jimmy and Bailey have is love. What you and Trey had was not love. It was control. He controlled every aspect of your life back then. You dropped out of school because he didn’t want you out of his sight. He beat the shit out of you on multiple occasions, cheated on you more times than you could count, and made you feel worthless. If that’s love then I will never be in love. He brain washed you into not seeing your family and friends. He made you think that you were fucking lucky to have him.” Her tone softens some when the tears start streaming down my face. She gets up and moves towards me, sitting on the coffee table in front of me.
“Ads look at me.” She whispers softly. I look up to see tears forming in her eyes which makes me cry even more.
“Ad you don’t have to be miserable the rest of your life. You know he was the lucky one. And Brian loves you so much. He has been more than patient with you over the years but I don’t know how much more he can take. You have to let Trey go. Not only for your sake but Brian’s too. You need to get back on your medicine and go back to counseling; it seemed to really help when everything first happened. I’ll even go with you if you want and I’m sure Brian would too. Do you understand what I’m saying?” She questions with a softness in her voice. I slowly nod even though I know it’s easier said than done.
“Good. Now how about I go get some food and you pick out a movie.” She says while standing up and heading back to the kitchen. I nod even though I know she doesn’t see me before walking over to the bookshelf to pick a movie out. I pick out House of 1000 Corpses and sit back down on the couch, going over the conversation we just had in my head. Maybe Hurley is right. Maybe it’s time to go back to a therapist. I mean what could it hurt?
“Ok so the popcorn is popping and here’s the ice-cream.” Hurley says while walking into the living room and handing me a bowl. I place a smile on my face and thank her as she starts the movie. I get comfortable on the couch and turn my mind off as I get engrossed into the movie knowing that at least for a while I won’t have to think about how much my life is turned upside down.
10/29/13