Flames
Done
Once we arrive home I jump out of the car, heading straight inside, and go up into my studio. I quickly turn my iPod on and hook it up before hitting play. I hear the door slam downstairs and I roll my eyes as I start to get my paints out. I start singing along with the song playing while silently praying that Brian will just leave me alone for the rest of the day.
“I truly believe that the reason I'm here
Is to tell you the truth that your ending is near
Oh, One day you must look at yourself in the mirror
I still don't think that you are hearing me clear
You must understand that our friendship is done
Justified by the person that you have become
And because of the fact that enough is enough
Now I'm the one that is holding the gun!
Whoa
This will be the end of us
I have tried way too many times to heal
I have loved you so much it hurts me dear
And this, this will be the end of us
Pick up the phone
Pick u…”
I jump as the door slams up against the wall, turning towards it I glare at Brian before turning back to my painting.
“You’re going to end up putting a hole in the wall if you keep doing that.” I say with a bit of a bite still in my voice from earlier. I hear him let out a huff before a second later my music gets turned off. My blood starts to boil because he knows better more than anyone not to mess with my music.
“Turn it back on Brian.” I hiss out trying to get myself under control so we don’t fight anymore.
“No Adalay. We are going to talk about this. You can’t just throw a fucking fit and then not have any kind of consequences. What the fuck was that back at Matt’s? What has gotten into you?” He questions as he comes to stand in front of me.
“I already told you. He’s an asshole and deserves way worse than what I did to him.” I reply as I cross my arms across my chest.
“And like I said that’s not any of our business! Why would you rather be in anyone’s relationship but ours?” He spits out before walking to the other side of the room with his back staying turned to me. I give a confused look in his direction. I want to ask what he means by that but instead I keep my mouth shut and wait of him to say something. I start to get lost in my thoughts after a minute of silence but I’m quickly brought out of them as Brian punches the wall cause a picture to fall off of it and hit the ground with a crash.
“I’m done Adalay.” He whispers as he turns around to face me and slides down the wall that he just punched. I stare at him as his words try to process in my mind but they don’t seem to make sense to me, it was almost like another language as it floated around. I look over at Brian to see tears in his eyes that I know he would never let fall, at least not in front of me.
“Do you have nothing to say? Did you even hear me Adalay? I said I’m done. I’m sick of the fighting. That’s all we do anymore. I’m sick of your jealousy and insecurity. I’m fed up with having to defend myself when I haven’t even done anything. I’m just tired of being compared to a ghost; to the guy you wish you still had. I’m not him Ad, I’ll never be him. I thought you knew that and were able to get past it but you can’t. You are so hung up in the past and what ifs that you don’t even see me here. You’re so fucked in the head; you can’t even see that he was an ass to you.” I finally look over to Brian to see anger and sadness etched onto his face. I have just been sitting here completely numb until he said that last part, now I feel a blind rage swell up in me.
“Shut the fuck up Brian! You don’t know shit! How dare you mention Trey to me!? You don’t fucking know shit about him or me or what happened with us. You fucking disgust me right fucking now. You’re not even a fucking man, Brian, to talk about someone that’s not alive and can’t defend himself? Fuck you Brian. I thought you were better than that.” I yell jumping up from my spot and heading out the room. I hear him punch the wall again and yell out my name but I just continue up to the bedroom on a mission. Grabbing my suitcase out of the closet I throw it open on the bed before opening my drawers and grabbing my essentials out. As I throw them into the bag Brian comes storming into the room.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He yells as he starts taking the clothes out of my bag.
“Damn it stop! You said you were done so I’m leaving.” I yell as I try to put the clothes back into the bag.
“So that’s just it? You’re going to leave without trying to fight for us? You’re just going to run away from all your problems, again? Why don’t you want to fix this Adalay? Do you not love me?” He asks the last part softly but I refuse to let any feelings except anger show so I continue to ignore him as I gather up the last few items I would need before heading down stairs. I hear him follow me out the door and to my car. I hit my trunk button before placing my things into it and shutting it with a loud thud. I walk around to my door to have Brian leaning on it giving me a pleading look.
“Come on Adalay. I want you to tell me the truth. Did you even love me? Were you even happy being with me? Or did you always wish it was him? Was it me you spent long nights making love with or him? Was it me you said yes to when I proposed or him?” He asks with sadness laced deeply into his voice. I blink back a single tear that threatened to escape and I take a deep breath.
“It was always Trey, Brian. I will always love him. I love you too but let’s be honest the only reason I’m with you is because he’s not here anymore. You knew that when you got with me. You knew it all. I don’t understand why you are acting like this is coming out of nowhere.” I reply as I see his face fall even more with every word that I say.
“Yeah I knew that Ads but I thought maybe you would love me. I thought maybe you would realize that he never loved you. I guess you don’t want to see that and I’m tired of trying to get you to see it.” I nod my head at him and he steps away from my door. Opening it I freeze when I feel his hand on my arm.
“Adalay, you know why I will never be him? I’ll never be him because I would never hit you. I would never cheat on you and I would defiantly never make you feel worthless. So I’m sorry but I’ll never be like him and honestly I’m ok with that.” I bite my lip as he pulls his hand away. I get my car and he shuts my door for me. Turning on the car I roll my window down and look at him.
“Brian I’ll be by later this week to get the rest of my stuff. I’m...Well I’m...” I sigh out. “I’ll just see you later.” He nods at me as I back out into the street and start driving to Harley’s house. I was so close to apologizing to him but I just couldn’t do it. Letting out a deep breath I light up as I try and think positive about what just happened but all I think about is how much of a mistake this is.
“I truly believe that the reason I'm here
Is to tell you the truth that your ending is near
Oh, One day you must look at yourself in the mirror
I still don't think that you are hearing me clear
You must understand that our friendship is done
Justified by the person that you have become
And because of the fact that enough is enough
Now I'm the one that is holding the gun!
Whoa
This will be the end of us
I have tried way too many times to heal
I have loved you so much it hurts me dear
And this, this will be the end of us
Pick up the phone
Pick u…”
I jump as the door slams up against the wall, turning towards it I glare at Brian before turning back to my painting.
“You’re going to end up putting a hole in the wall if you keep doing that.” I say with a bit of a bite still in my voice from earlier. I hear him let out a huff before a second later my music gets turned off. My blood starts to boil because he knows better more than anyone not to mess with my music.
“Turn it back on Brian.” I hiss out trying to get myself under control so we don’t fight anymore.
“No Adalay. We are going to talk about this. You can’t just throw a fucking fit and then not have any kind of consequences. What the fuck was that back at Matt’s? What has gotten into you?” He questions as he comes to stand in front of me.
“I already told you. He’s an asshole and deserves way worse than what I did to him.” I reply as I cross my arms across my chest.
“And like I said that’s not any of our business! Why would you rather be in anyone’s relationship but ours?” He spits out before walking to the other side of the room with his back staying turned to me. I give a confused look in his direction. I want to ask what he means by that but instead I keep my mouth shut and wait of him to say something. I start to get lost in my thoughts after a minute of silence but I’m quickly brought out of them as Brian punches the wall cause a picture to fall off of it and hit the ground with a crash.
“I’m done Adalay.” He whispers as he turns around to face me and slides down the wall that he just punched. I stare at him as his words try to process in my mind but they don’t seem to make sense to me, it was almost like another language as it floated around. I look over at Brian to see tears in his eyes that I know he would never let fall, at least not in front of me.
“Do you have nothing to say? Did you even hear me Adalay? I said I’m done. I’m sick of the fighting. That’s all we do anymore. I’m sick of your jealousy and insecurity. I’m fed up with having to defend myself when I haven’t even done anything. I’m just tired of being compared to a ghost; to the guy you wish you still had. I’m not him Ad, I’ll never be him. I thought you knew that and were able to get past it but you can’t. You are so hung up in the past and what ifs that you don’t even see me here. You’re so fucked in the head; you can’t even see that he was an ass to you.” I finally look over to Brian to see anger and sadness etched onto his face. I have just been sitting here completely numb until he said that last part, now I feel a blind rage swell up in me.
“Shut the fuck up Brian! You don’t know shit! How dare you mention Trey to me!? You don’t fucking know shit about him or me or what happened with us. You fucking disgust me right fucking now. You’re not even a fucking man, Brian, to talk about someone that’s not alive and can’t defend himself? Fuck you Brian. I thought you were better than that.” I yell jumping up from my spot and heading out the room. I hear him punch the wall again and yell out my name but I just continue up to the bedroom on a mission. Grabbing my suitcase out of the closet I throw it open on the bed before opening my drawers and grabbing my essentials out. As I throw them into the bag Brian comes storming into the room.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He yells as he starts taking the clothes out of my bag.
“Damn it stop! You said you were done so I’m leaving.” I yell as I try to put the clothes back into the bag.
“So that’s just it? You’re going to leave without trying to fight for us? You’re just going to run away from all your problems, again? Why don’t you want to fix this Adalay? Do you not love me?” He asks the last part softly but I refuse to let any feelings except anger show so I continue to ignore him as I gather up the last few items I would need before heading down stairs. I hear him follow me out the door and to my car. I hit my trunk button before placing my things into it and shutting it with a loud thud. I walk around to my door to have Brian leaning on it giving me a pleading look.
“Come on Adalay. I want you to tell me the truth. Did you even love me? Were you even happy being with me? Or did you always wish it was him? Was it me you spent long nights making love with or him? Was it me you said yes to when I proposed or him?” He asks with sadness laced deeply into his voice. I blink back a single tear that threatened to escape and I take a deep breath.
“It was always Trey, Brian. I will always love him. I love you too but let’s be honest the only reason I’m with you is because he’s not here anymore. You knew that when you got with me. You knew it all. I don’t understand why you are acting like this is coming out of nowhere.” I reply as I see his face fall even more with every word that I say.
“Yeah I knew that Ads but I thought maybe you would love me. I thought maybe you would realize that he never loved you. I guess you don’t want to see that and I’m tired of trying to get you to see it.” I nod my head at him and he steps away from my door. Opening it I freeze when I feel his hand on my arm.
“Adalay, you know why I will never be him? I’ll never be him because I would never hit you. I would never cheat on you and I would defiantly never make you feel worthless. So I’m sorry but I’ll never be like him and honestly I’m ok with that.” I bite my lip as he pulls his hand away. I get my car and he shuts my door for me. Turning on the car I roll my window down and look at him.
“Brian I’ll be by later this week to get the rest of my stuff. I’m...Well I’m...” I sigh out. “I’ll just see you later.” He nods at me as I back out into the street and start driving to Harley’s house. I was so close to apologizing to him but I just couldn’t do it. Letting out a deep breath I light up as I try and think positive about what just happened but all I think about is how much of a mistake this is.
10/29/13