Sophia's POV

"Sophia" I heard. I dreamt I was working at subway, maybe because Matt had mentioned it a few days ago. I dreamt Brian had rushed in, calling my name. "Sophia!" I heard again The calls became realistic, I felt his hands shake me - but I was deep into a dream. "Sophia!"

My eyes shot open, and Brian was staring above me with a confused expression. I sat up, and realized I had fallen asleep worrying myself on his sofa.

"The fuck you doing down here?" he asked with a chuckle.

"I-" I frowned, wiping my tired eyes and scratching my head. "I must have come down for water"

"Well- get up, I'm taking you out today" he called, walking through into the kitchen. A day out wasn't what I had in mind. Maybe a secret day out to the drug store to pick up a pregnancy test was more ideal.

"I don't feel like it" I followed him through into the kitchen, where he had ready made two cups steaming drink. "Oh- I- really don't like coffee" I frowned, cringing at his sweet effort.

"It's not coffee," he smiled. "I made you a ginger tea, it helps with stomach bugs"

"Oh" my mouth curved into a smile at his thoughtfulness. "Thanks" I took the warm mug and the scent of ginger washed through my nose. "But- honestly, I really don't feel like goin' out"

"Keeping you cooped inside isn't gonna make you better, I need to get out too- we'll just take a walk around town"

"Well-" I thought, at my desperation for a pregnancy test. "..okay. As long as there's food involved"

...

2 hours later

Me and Brian took a walk to his local town, it was a 5 minute walk down the street and as each minute of those passed, every brush of Brian's hand against mine fluttered me inside more and more until he grabbed my hand and held it gently.

I didn't want to get too ahead of myself, especially now. Before any thought of, a baby, all of yesterday I thought of me and Brian becoming something. The way he looks at me, made me believe he thought it too. Now, I don't know how it would work if I was having Matt's baby.

"Brian," I asked sweetly, innocently. "How about.. you grab a table in that restaurant, I can smell their pancakes from here- and I'll just nip into that drugstore?"

Brian stood in front of my, held both of my hands, stared at me with a squint as the winter sun blazed in his face. "You want me to come with?"

"No," I smiled. "Just gonna get some.. female products" I pushed, hoping to sway him to the option of finding a table rather than coming with me.

"You had loads with you last night?" he frowned.

"A girl needs to stock up" I giggled. I tried to walk away, but he pulled me towards him with eagerness and waited for my permission to kiss. He waited, face close to mine. "What?" I asked with a growing smile.

"Can I?"

Our lips crushed together, as both of us went in at the same time. I felt like I was walking on air. I mean, I could die right now and be fine with it. I'd be fine, as long as I was kissing him. The problems I had dissapeared. But as soon as his lips left mine, I realized I could be having Matt's baby again.

"I'll catch you later, don't keep me waiting too long" he smiled, and his lips alighted on my cheek like a dew freckled petal caught in a breeze, so soft and with the smallest hint of coolness. It played the same effect as when his lips touched my own.

I watched him walk away into the distance, and into the restaurant doors. I rushed over to the drugstore, frantically, forgetting the peace I had delved into within Brian's kiss.

As I entered the drugstore, a strong antibacterial smell blasted my face and almost lead me to the dreaded isle I had to be in. I found the home of the pregnancy tests, and it reduced my heart rate enough for me to faint.

As my eyes shifted around the 20 different types of pregnancy tests, my phone buzzed in my pocket. I grabbed it, answering without looking.

"Hey Sophia," it was Matt. "Thought I'd call and ask about last night,"

"Matt will you come down to the drug store in Brian's town?" I panicked. "I really need your help"

"Yeah," he spoke, confused. "I'll be as quick as I can" He hung up the phone, and within seconds I dialed Brian.

"Hey" he answered almost immediately. "I have us a nice table"

"Could you hold it for another 20 minutes?" I asked, eyes still scanning the shelves.

"Yeah- I suppose-" he cheered. He was always positive, and that's what I was growing to love about him. It seemed he'd do anything for me, go to the other side of the world just to make me happy - but unfortunately I'd have to take advantage of that just for today. "Is everything okay? You sound upset"

"Yeah- I'm fine Bri, girl problems"

"Oh- do you need me to get you anything?"

"No- no- just, hold the table for us"

"Okay, I lov-" he interrupted himself. "I'll just grab another coffee, see you soon" he hung up. I ignored what he almost said, I had more important things to fret about.

After minutes, Matt burst through the door, aggressively ringing the shop keepers bell. He spotted me in the corner promptly and rushed over.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He then noticed the hand full of pregnancy tests in my hands. Matt let out a sudden sigh, opened his mouth to speak, couldn't, and snapped it shut again. He took a gulp, then with a little more success he spoke, but it came out raspy, barely audible. "So that's what you meant last night"

"I didn't want to see you-" I snapped, ignoring his face and searching the shelves. "I can't afford these. If you've put a kid in me you're fucking paying for these tests"

"Yeah- of course" he sighed. "Just grab whatever you need" I picked out 4 which looked the most effective. They worked at $15 each, which I'd normally feel bad about. I shoved them in Matt's hands, a long with a can of deodorant, and he left to pay. The awaiting dread crept over me like an icy chill, numbing my brain. In this frozen state, my mind offers me only one thought. I could be pregnant. There could be no avoiding it.

Before I knew it, Matt returned back to me with a grocery bag full of pregnancy tests. Juxtaposition at it's finest.

"Ok, thank you-" I proceeded to walk away and he grabbed my hand.

"You not gonna do them?"

"Yeah- on my own, later"

"No-" he scoffed, as if I was being out of order. "You don't just expect me to leave?"

"I do"

"How is it fair that you call me out here, make me buy pregnancy tests because you think you're having my child, then make me leave before you take them?" I hated it when he was right. "So find a bathroom, or you come home with me and we'll take them"

"I'm not leaving with you"

"Then there's a toilet across the road in that restaurant"

"No-" I snapped. "Brian's waiting for me in there"

Matt rolled his eyes, and huffed. "You and Brian? Seriously?"

"Does that fucking matter right now?"

"No" he admitted. "I have a spare key for Brian's, do you wanna go there?"

I nodded silently, and we left the store and drove to Brian's house. It was a quick 2 minute drive, therefore the silence wasn't so dominating. We pulled up, still unspoken, and entered his house, still in a dead silence.

I began walking up the stairs, until I heard his shy voice. "Shall I come up with you?" he asked.

I paused, unsure of what to say. I wanted somebody with me, but- it was Brian's hand I wanted to hold, it was even Brian's baby I was wanting to carry.

"No," I shook my head. "I'll only be 10 minutes"

"Okay" he nodded. I watched him sit nervously on the second step of the staircase, whilst I continued up into the bathroom.

Okay. Maybe I needed him. What the hell do I do? I opened all of the boxes, preparing to make one pee last as I tried all 4.

I sighed a deep breath, and began taking a pregnancy stick at a time and peeing on each. It was so uncomfortable and awkward.

I laid out all 4 on the side table, and began the wait. There is a kind of waiting that feels like gentle onshore breezes kissing salty stones. It isn't warm but there is a sense of calm, of nature, of things expected. Possibly the waiting Brian felt right now, waiting for me to walk through the doors. Then there is the kind that feels like the head of a medieval mace is loose in my guts and my head has taken a beating with a hefty plank of wood. I stare so hard at the pregnancy tests, my mind visualizes the results making me feel sick to my stomach.

After pacing the small bathroom for almost 7 minutes now. I took a short glance, took a deep breath and walked over to see the results.

..

Matts POV

I heard her footsteps behind me, walking down the stairs. I was afraid. I've never been this afraid before. But, maybe this was the best thing to happen to me, us. A baby with Sophia, it could be the thing that saves us and creates and starts our life together.

I stood, allowing Sophia to pass. She had a pregnancy test in her hand, covering the result. I could feel my heart beat. Every single pound in my chest.

"You gon' tell me?" I nervously laughed. She handed me the stick.

I stared at it in my hands.

Just stared.

I was going to be a father.

Looking down at the test below, knowing I was becoming a father, I should have been scared. I felt pumped, excited, more alive than I had ever thought possible. It had won over the feelings of any love I felt for Sophia, it beat the feeling of performing on the stage - all the mundane worries of my life had been muted and all there was to know about was this moment. No worrying about the past, no anxiety about the future. In one adrenaline fuelled warrior-yell, I shouted - I wanted to leap into the sun with nothing but air beneath my feet. My eyes wide, grin wider.

"This.." I began. "This is- amazing-" I sighed, with a smile growing. "I can't- oh my god- I'm going to be a dad!" As my face progressed into excitement beyond belief, hers remained solemn. "Aren't you delighted by this?!"

"Matt," she began. "I'm going to be making an appointment at the hospital tomorrow"

"Yeah," I nodded eagerly. "Yeah go check, make sure everything's great - that's perfect - I'll come with you-"

"No" she added. My excitement calmed.

"What? What do you mean?" I replied, with a blank stare on my face. I still felt the hype inside of me - but Sophia showed no excitement. She said herself yesterday in the hospital she dreamed of having children with me, so I was left feeling bewildered with her emotion.

"I need to go get rid of it" she frowned, with a disgusted look, complete in the opposite to how I felt.

Was this payback for me leaving her all those years ago? Was this the result of me breaking her heart? By breaking mine?

"You- need to what?" I asked, carefully.

In my many and varied imaginings of this day, this had never occurred to me. All at once the sadness overwhelmed me and the silent tears flowed down my chilled face. The desolation I felt was all consuming. My mind became an icy wasteland, the wind howled in my soul and wrapped icy tentacles around my heart so tightly it almost stopped beatingg. I could feel my heart physically break before me, it forced me to collapse into my first seat on the stairs.

"I can't do this Matt"

"We can" I assured, holding my shaking, casted hand against my head.

"I can't" she snapped. "I do not want this with you - at all"

And it completely shattered. My everything, my heart, every bone in my body, shattered. I never thought those words could come from her mouth.

....

20 minutes later...

Sophia's POV

I rushed into the restaurant and found Brian sat alone, scrolling through his phone with an empty glass of orange juice, and a new pint of beer.

"Brian," I spoke as I rushed over. I almost yanked him out of his seat and hugged him so tightly. "I missed you so much" I cried, closing my eyes at the warmth I felt from him compared to the icy frosts in the winter air outside.

He chuckled. "Really? I- missed you too"

"I guess I've missed breakfast, haven't I?"

He nodded, taking a gulp of beer. "I won't ask where you've been"

"No," I frowned. "I'll explain one day"

"Just promise me this- is everything okay?"

I felt my eyes water, but I wouldn't let any tears escape. "Everything is fine now, Bri"

"Good!" he exclaimed. "Beer?"

"Yes!" I chuckled. "Wait- no" If I was getting rid of this thing why was I being so thoughtful for it."Well- yes"

"Yes or no?" he smirked. "I won't force you" he gave me a wink and handed me the drinks menu. I barely looked through before deciding. "Just- a coke"

"Coming right up- any food?"

"Can't believe I missed breakfast"

"Not my fault" he laughed, sarcastically, in turn making me laugh. It's crazy how little my problems turn when I'm with Brian. I wanted this perminently.

"No- just a coke"

But the baby. You can't not eat - I thought to myself. Even naming it, 'the baby' instead of 'thing' was enough to spin me out of my peacefulness with Brian. I refused to become attached to the idea of having Matt's baby. This is why it had to be removed from my life before I couldn't help my feelings.

"You look unsure?" Brian asked, carefully.

"I'll have- just- a side salad"

"And what would you like it to be the side of.." he chuckled. Again, bringing a reluctant smile to my face.

"Just a salad, please"

"Okay-" he gave me a smile and left to order. I checked my phone meanwhile, expecting to hear from Matt. But I had no texts or calls from him. I had a message from Zacky, wanting to meet up tomorrow - but besides that, nothing.

I quickly responded to his text with a 'sounds perfect'. And hid my phone away in my pocket again.

Brian came back quickly, bringing my glass of coke and another Swedish beer for himself. He presented me with a yearning smile.

"I have some news for you," he spoke eagerly.

"Go on"

"I know you've been worried about a job, and how our band isn't really going anywhere at this minute in time. But- my dad happened to call me, he's in desperate need of somebody to take over his bar whilst he goes touring around America" he began. "He actually asked me to, but it's not for me"

"Okay.." I answered with a smile.

"He owns a little rock bar, and your job would be to sort out the staff wages, their rotors, ordering stuff- if you want extra money you work a few shifts there-"

"I'll take it!" I exclaimed.

"It just means you can stay here a little longer with me.."

Hearing Brian say something like that to me, flustered me. My heart sped, my eyelashes fluttered together, like a little girl speaking to her crush.

"Brian, I have something to tell you-" I sighed. I knew if I wanted to be with Brian, so I couldn't hide what happened today with him. He had to know I was pregnant. Maybe, he'd understand.

"Your- side salad" I waiter said, handing the table a small bowl of lettuce leaves and cucumber, with a few tiny tomatoes.

"Thanks" Brian smiled. The waiter walked away, and Brian awaited eagerly for a confession.

"I'm-" I began. My watery eyes were exceeding and the hairs on my back bristled. A throng of goose bumps coated my glacial skin. I tried to breathe in and out but little air was entering my lungs. "I- really- like you"

Brian's smile dropped, his face reddened and he looked to the floor, with a growing smirk. He acted like a child too. Just like how he made me feel.

"I really- really like you too"

This was ridiculous. Grown adults do not sit across from each other, blushing, admitting they 'like each other'. But- I kinda liked it.

"I'm glad that I can stay longer with you" I smirked back to him. "Maybe you can- show me around California more, take me to the beach and stuff"

I did sound like a child.

"I'll take you to the beach.. and stuff" he cheekily grinned. Mine and Brian's relationship was completely innocent which was what I admired. Everything was a sworn secret. There was no sexual heat between us, which I adored. This was because everything was going to happen properly. He'd take me out on a few dates, we'd continue sleeping in separate bedrooms, until the time was perfect. There was no rush to rip each other's clothes off, no rush to be together. Because with Brian - it felt like we had forever.

....

A few hours later

We had spent the day walking around town, doing nothing. We were wrapped up in scarves, hats and gloves and strolled in the fresh breeze. California seemed rarely cold, I believe this was a serious rarity in that it was plastered all over news prints how it was the coolest winter in years. We had enough of the breeze after a while, and decided to go back to Brian's. As soon as we walked in, he had instantly began making me a hot chocolate to warm me up. He topped it with cream, presented it to me with a proud smile.

"You feeling better after last night?" Brian asked, watching me admire the steamy heat from the mug

"I think so" I smiled.

"Good, I'm just gonna go get changed into something comfy" he strolled upstairs, leaving me to myself again.

I took my phone out of my pocket again, checking for anything from Matt.

There was nothing. I even felt sick, seeing nothing from him. He was the type to never leave you alone in a bad situation. But there was nothing from him.

He didn't take it well, me telling him I wanted to abort. But who would? I don't blame him. But it was something he had to understand.

I decided to text him, just to make sure he was okay.

'Everything ok Matt? X' I sent. I heard Brian's footsteps stomping down the stairs, and hid my phone away like it was a secret I was messaging Matt.

"Sophia," Brian spoke, walking through into the kitchen.

"Yeah?" I turned around, and he had 3 pregnancy tests in his hands. The ones I left in the bathroom.

Fuck.

Notes

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