For the next couple of days, I do everything in my power to keep myself from thinking about the monster Gena is dating. I stay away from home as much as possible. Even though it’s early February, I’ve been spending most of my time on the beach. I would get up extra early for school, and go to the beach to study or just stare at the never-ending ocean. If I could, I would pick up an early shift at the café or if it was too cold for the beach, I’d go to the café anyway and study there. After school, if I wasn’t working, I was with Zack. He practiced with the band multiple times a week for hours on end but always made sure he had time for me and that we had alone time.

Unfortunately for him, sometimes the time he put aside for our alone time and the time I put aside for my study time coincided.

“Can we please take a break we’ve been at this for hours?” Zack complained as he stretched.

“Oh, we have not!” I laughed and straightened my legs over his crossed ones.

Zack raised his eyebrows. “It’s three o'clock. You got here at ten this morning!”

I glanced at the clock sitting on his bedside table, and sure enough, it read just after three in the afternoon. “Oh, wow. I can’t believe it’s already been five hours! I haven’t even gotten to history yet,” I groan, looking back down to my half completed English homework.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Zack smile before he gently pulls my book and homework out of my hands and drops in on the floor beside his bed. “C’mon, take a break. I know something we can do instead.”

Before I can reply, he’s already softly leaning me back onto his bed and crawling on top of me. Being physical with Zack has been hard, but so far, it’s been successful - if you count making out without much fondling successful. I just couldn’t do it. One moment it would be Zack's hand on my breast, and then everything would shift, and it would be Eli’s. Thankfully, I’ve always been able to escape from him without causing any concern. Escape. That’s not the right word. I shouldn’t want to escape from Zack, I never want to, actually. When that feeling of wanting to escape hits me, it’s not because of anything Zack is doing, it’s because of Eli and everything he’s done.

Zack gently tugs at my lip with his while he kisses me before going in for a deeper kiss. One of his hands rests on my hip, the cloth of my jeans separating my skin from his. His other hand softly tangles itself in my hair. Both of my hands rest on his waist; his shirt has shifted from his movements and so the tip of my pinky touches his skin. My legs are bent and have formed walls on each side of his body, I press them into him as hard as I can. I can’t tell if it’s because I'm dreading the moment he pulls away from me or if I'm terrified of him getting closer.

My body tenses involuntarily the moment I feel his hand inch up. It’s not even an inch, more like a centimeter. He moves it again, this time a little more than last time and now his fingers are under my shirt. The heat from his fingertips is enough to make me melt and I want to.

God, I want to.

He continues to explore under my shirt and I focus on the kissing. His lips were soft against mine. They were soft kisses. He had shaved this morning, so his cheeks and jaw and chin were soft. Everything was soft, so, so soft.

Except there was this small piece of skin on Zack’s thumb that was rough. It didn’t hurt as it touched my skin, just noticeable. It could have been cut or a callous. Whatever it was, it was enough to distract me from trying to keep myself distracted.

“I’m hungry,” I told him, breaking away and attempting to scoot from underneath him.

Zack nodded. “Yeah, me too.” He kissed me again. We were not talking about the same kind of hunger.

“Okay,” I forced myself to laugh. “Let’s go get something to eat.”

Zack didn’t say anything for a brief moment, but then replied, “okay.” He backed off me and I got off the bed, my heart racing.

“I’m just going to…uh…go to the bathroom and then we can go.”

“Okay,” he replied.

I walked to the bathroom and closed the door. Ignoring my reflection in the mirror, I turn on the water faucet and stare at the water pouring down the drain. I know Zack wanted to have sex, or at least move somewhere past second base. I wanted to, too. I know we have only been dating for a month, but I was ready…or at least I would have been if it wasn’t for Eli. I knew Zack was ready, too. He’s an eighteen-year-old sexually active guy. Of course, he wanted to have sex. If I didn’t give him what he wanted, would he just go find it somewhere else? Surely not. Zack wasn’t like that. Was he?

After a couple of minutes, I start to feel normal and less anxious. After completely composing myself, I neaten my hair and walk out.

Zack is sitting on the edge of the bed putting his shoes on when I enter his bedroom. “You ready?” he asks with a grin.

I grin too, thankful that everything was okay. “Yeah, let’s go.”

Zack stands up from the bed and wraps his arm around my shoulders and then pulls me into him and presses his lips to my forehead. I felt like I could melt all over again.

Zack holds my hand and plays with my fingers the entire way to the restaurant. We decide to go to Ruby’s Diner, a diner on the very end of the pier. This was my favourite place to eat; the view was absolutely beautiful. Zack and I choose a table by a window and shortly after sitting down, the waitress walks up and we order our drinks.

“So, I think when we get back to your house we can start on history and then –” I start but he cuts me off.

“Nope. No, no, no, no, nope, nope, nope.”

“What do you mean no?” I half laugh.

“We’ve been studying and doing homework all day. Babe, it’s Saturday. Probably the only Saturday I won’t have band practice in a while. We’re not going to spend it all cooped up, in my bedroom staring at books.”

“But –”

The waitress walks back up and sets our drinks down. “No,” Zack mouths, smiling.

“Alright dearies, what can I get you today?” Zack orders a burger. I order a salad.

After she walks away, I open my mouth. “Okay, so then what are we going to do?”

Zack shrugs. “No idea. We could go to the music store…or I don’t know, go to the mall.”

“Hmm, okay fine but then you have to help me study tomorrow after band practice,” I compromise.

“Okay, fine,” Zack agrees.

I lean over the table and peck him on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“Uh huh,” he smirks. “You know, what on earth are you going to do when we graduate in a few months and you can’t study every day, all day?”

“Well, for 1) I don’t study every day, all day and for 2) I’ll be in college, so I’ll be studying harder than ever,” I tell him matter-of-factly. Zack only shakes his head. “Which reminds me, we need to start preparing for our college applications.”

“Yeah, I know. We’ve still got time though. Plus, college is like my second backup option. I mean, not that I even need a backup option. The band is going to get signed, I know it,” Zack told me.

I nodded. “I know but you could still go to school and focus on the band.”

“Don’t worry. I’m going to fill out the applications, and you’re going to fill out your applications. Then, the band is going to get signed and you’re going to go to school and you’re going to study backstage at all of my shows.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out,” I grin.

Zack is grinning too. “Oh, I do. I know what’s important to you and I know what’s important to me.”

---

I hop up on the counter in the kitchen as Zack kicks off his shoes. “Oh, no you don’t! You wanted the brownies, you get to make the brownies!” he tells me, turning on the oven.

“I thought I would just supervise you making them,” I smile.

“Ohhh,” Zack laughs. “Not going to happen.”

“Ugh,” I groan and attempt to kick him as he walks by. He laughs and grabs my leg.

“Listen here, you spoiled little brat…” he jokes, closing the gap between us.

I give him a fake look of offense. “Me? A spoiled little brat?”

Zack nods, grinning and leans in for a kiss. “God, I love kissing you.”

I bite my lip and smile. “Even though I'm a spoiled brat?”

“Especially because you’re a spoiled brat,” he shrugs. I laugh and pull him back into a kiss. I run one of my hands through his hair as I gently wrap my legs around his hips. It’s like there’s a fire in me and I’m searching for something in Zack to put it out. Zack’s hands rest on my thighs. Slowly, they creep up and he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him.

The oven dings and Zack reluctantly separates from me. “Alright,” I tell him, “put on some music.”

He pecks me on the lips and heads over to the stereo as I hop down from the counter and pull out a mixing bowl and the ingredients.

I don’t know the song on the radio, but enjoy watching Zack overdramatically play the air guitar as I crack the egg and pour the oil. “You’re so fucking weird,” I laugh.

“You know what would make these brownies totally awesome?” He asks, ignoring my comment.

“What’s that?” I ask as I begin pouring the brownie mix into the bowl.

“Some pot.”

I glance up from the brownie batter to see him staring at me with a huge smile plastered on his beautiful face. “What?” I laugh. “Do you have some?”

“I’m out, but I can definitely get some,” he suggested.

I thought about it for a second and then shook my head. Zack's parents would be home in a few hours and I didn’t need them to come home with both of us high as a kite and a plate of half-eaten pot brownies. “These are already ready to go in. Maybe next time.”

“Fun sucker,” he teases.

“What?” I laugh. “I am not a fun sucker!”

He shrugs and mumbles something, smiling. I stare at him for a moment before swiftly dipping my finger into the batter and swiping it against his cheek. He doesn’t move for the longest time. Instead, he stands there with a frozen, amused expression on his face. “Oh,” he says suddenly. “You’re going to get it.”

Before I can react, he’s grabbing me around the waist while simultaneously grabbing the mixing spoon. “Say you’re sorry!”

“No!” I laugh. “You started it!”

“Okay, you asked for it!” Zack says. He attempts to run the spoon against my cheek but I'm able to get away from him before it can touch me.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!” I laugh, backing away from him.

He’s shaking his head and wiping his face off with a paper towel. “Nope. Too late!”

“Oh, come on,” I laugh. “You don’t want to dirty up this pretty face.”

Zack smiles and advances towards me. “You’re right. I’d totally rather kiss it.” I stop backing away and Zack closes the space in between us. He leans in to kiss me, but right before his lips touch mine, I feel his thumb slide down my cheek, leaving a smear of batter.

“Oh, that was so wrong on so many levels,” I complained, rubbing my face clean with the back of my hand.

Zack laughs. “Okay, now we’re even. Can I have a kiss now?”

“You better be glad I like you,” I tell him as we kiss.

And just like that, the brownies were forgotten about. His hand was on my hip again, the rough spot on his thumb brushed against my skin. I wanted him. I wanted to try to do this. All I had to do was get through the first time and everything would be okay, right?

I led Zack to the couch. After he sits down, I crawl onto his lap and straddle him. Maybe if I feel like I'm in control, I’ll be able to push through. Zack wastes no time allowing his hands to explore my body. My mouth separates from his only long enough to pull off his shirt and toss it carelessly to the side.

I know rape isn’t sex. Rape is rape. Rape is about trauma and pain; it’s about humiliation and fear. Sex was good; it felt good. I’ve had sex before. I know what sex is and what it isn’t. I just have to keep reminding myself that sex with Zack is a good thing. It’s something I want. He’s not going to hurt me. He’s not going to hurt me. He’s not going to…

I don’t know what happened.

Sixty seconds ago, I was on the couch with Zack. I had just taken off his shirt, but now I can’t seem to pull myself off his bedroom floor. His bedroom door is shut and locked. I sit, fully clothed, against it with my knees pulled into my chest and I'm bawling.

There’s a soft tap on the other side of the door. “Sheridan…” Zack says quietly. “Please let me in.”

But I can’t. I can’t breathe. I can’t move, I can’t let him see me like this. I have to get out of here. I have to escape.

There’s that word again.

Notes

Happy New Year!
Title credit: The Civil Wars “Poison and Wine”