Don't You Dare

The walls of the small church were lined with architectural designs and packed with people who were donning all-black clothing. People who would probably be donning black clothing even if they weren’t at a funeral. People who were friends, people who were family, people who were total strangers. Everyone had come together to celebrate Jimmy’s life.

His family had wanted a typical Catholic mass for his funeral, but the paradox of having James Sullivan’s funeral in a Catholic church was not lost on anyone.

However, it made the ceremony a little easier to handle, a little easier to process, because a priest stood at the altar and talked about all of these things that Jimmy didn’t believe in. Jimmy would find it comical, Aubrey thought, as she adjusted the black shift dress that she had to borrow from Kelsey. Because her brain had been on autopilot when she packed for California and she didn’t even think about needing clothes for the funeral.

After the priest concluded a section of the mass, he signaled to someone in the first pew. The crowd watched as Brian, wearing an all-black suit, rose from his seat with papers in his hand. He walked up the aisle and up the altar then stood behind the podium. After adjusting the microphone to the adequate height, he set his papers down on the platform and cleared his throat.

He looked out at the crowd, feeling a lump in his throat after seeing the number of people crammed into the church. “Oh fuck, okay,” he breathed, not even realizing he just cussed to the crowd in a church. “I don't know how I’m going to get through this.”

Brian took a deep breath as his eyes scanned the papers in front of him. “It’s, uh, really incredible to see how many people came out to say goodbye to Jimmy today. I’m not surprised though - to know Jimmy is to love Jimmy.”

He had spent the last two days googling how to write a eulogy and had crafted what seemed like a perfectly traditional one.

But now that he was up there, it didn’t feel right to spew a bunch of words that Google told him to write. It didn’t feel genuine.

His best friend was in a casket thirty feet away from him - how could he not speak from the heart?

“Okay,” he exhaled, shaking his head. He picked up the papers, folded them up, and shoved them into the pocket of his coat, forgoing the traditional speech and just wanting to talk about his friend.

He scanned the crowd, seeing so many familiar and unfamiliar faces.

“I can guarantee that every person in this room has their own Jimmy story. Some should probably never be told in church. Some should probably never be told again. Period.”

Brian paused when the crowd let out a laugh, understanding exactly what he meant by that.

“For those who don’t know me, I’m Brian. I met Jimmy in middle school and, God, he was the most annoying sack of shit I had ever met. Total class clown. Always so loud and abrasive. One day, we got into a fist fight over something stupid and we got sent to the principal’s office together. We started talking about music and bands, and we realized we had a lot in common. And just like that, we went from wanting to beat the shit outta each other to wanting to start a band together. Clearly that stuck.”

Although he felt like passing out, Brian continued after a brief inhale.

“I loved being in a band with him. Even at a young age, he was so passionate about music and so damn talented. Anyone who watched him play was instantly blown away. And his favorite thing to do as a kid was pretend he had never touched a drum set before and then blow everyone’s mind by playing some ridiculous drum fill.”

He chuckled softly as a particular incident came to mind.

“One time we went to a music store and one of the clerks approached us and was being a real ass. He asked if he could demo any of the beginner instruments for us. Jimmy went along with it and said, ‘Yeah I’m thinking of taking up the drums but I need a good starter kit.’ And the clerk took us to some puny little thing and played a weak little solo and Jimmy acted so impressed.”

Brian smiled to himself as he recalled the memory.

“He told the guy he wanted to give it a shot, so he sat behind the kit and touched the hi-hats and asked ‘Is this the kick drum?’ Then he broke out into some ridiculously impossible drum fill on this tiny $200 kit. While he was thrashing with his right hand, he held up his left hand, looked the guy right in the eye, and flipped him off. We were thirteen years old.”

Again, the crowd let out a bout of laughter.

“A lot of people may not know this about Jimmy, but he was quite the athlete too. He played soccer, baseball, basketball, football... until he was kicked off of every team that gave him a chance. And then he got kicked out of school altogether. He tried so hard but every bone in his body rebelled authority.”

Brian smirked gently as he looked at Jimmy’s parents.

“His mom’s favorite story to tell is when she and his dad suggested that he take piano or drum lessons. Drum lessons, okay? The thing that made this dude famous, the thing his career was built upon. And he said ‘No.’ He refused. Because someone had suggested that he do it. He was five-years-old. Obviously, he changed his mind but it’s just such a classic Jimmy story. Even at five, he rebelled authority. If someone said jump, he sat down. If someone said be quiet, he’d scream at the top of his lungs.”

Tears welled up in Brian’s eyes at the sight of Jimmy’s parents beginning to cry, so he looked down at the wooden podium.

“But that’s just who he was. He was completely unapologetic in life. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, and how he wanted. He said what was on his mind. He lived a short but full life, jam packed with memories, friends, and accomplishments, and he leaves behind a legacy.”

Every person in the church agreed, some silently, some with a nod, but they all agreed.

“And I mean, like, a real, true legacy. The way his brain worked, it was fascinating. He created brilliant songs, I don’t think many people know how much of an influence he had on every single song our band has ever written. He practically wrote half of the songs himself. Drummers don’t usually write songs. But he did.”

Brian hesitated, feeling the lump in his throat rise when more tears pooled in the corners of his eyes. He swallowed hard, trying to keep his emotions at bay.

“Jimmy was my best friend,” his voice wavered as a tear fell. “He was always there. He was loyal, almost to a fault, and he was generous. Anytime I asked him for help, he helped - without question, without hesitation. I would love to say that I was special in that regard, but I wasn’t. That was just how he treated people. He wanted people to feel loved, and boy did they. It’s obvious based on the crowd here today.”

By this point, there wasn’t a single dry eye in the church.

“He would’ve been thirty in a little over a year. He always said he was never going to live to see thirty. He literally said those words to my dad as a teenager. In true Jimmy fashion, the little shit had to prove himself.”

He laughed softly as he looked at Jimmy’s family again.

“Katie, Kelly, Barbara and Joe, thank you for letting Jimmy be himself - not that you had much choice - but you encouraged him and supported him. He was always thankful for that. He couldn’t wait to share his successes with you,” Brian swallowed hard. “Also, I know that you felt guilty about asking me to write a eulogy for today, because you didn’t want to put that on my shoulders, but getting up here and talking about Jimmy was easy. There was so much to love about your son and your brother, the words came so easily. I am honored that you wanted me to be the one to give these parting words to Jimmy.”

Then his eyes found Jimmy’s enigma of a fiancée.

“Leana, you came into jimmy’s life at the most perfect time. He had never been in love before, and boy, he had truly met his match with you. When you said jump, he asked ‘How high?’ When you said be quiet, he didn’t make a peep. Thank you for loving him with all your heart and putting up with his crazy ass.”

Then he looked at his bandmates.

“Matt, Johnny, and Zack, I think we all know how highly Jimmy thought of us. How he defended us until he was blue in the face, how hard he worked to write music for us to be proud of. No matter what we went through, he never gave up on any of us.”

And finally, Brian turned back to the crowd with eyes full of tears.

“To everyone else, thank you for coming. Thank you for loving Jimmy enough to be here today. One last thing before I finally shut up,” he joked with a sniffle then had a separate thought. “You know, if Jimmy were still here, he definitely would’ve jumped up by now and shouted ‘Damn, you can’t stop talking about me; why are you so in love with me?’”

One more laugh from the crowd.

“Anyway, one last thing - we all know how Jimmy lived his life - happy, unapologetically, and to the fullest - and I know he would want each and every one of us to do the same. Of course, we’re going to mourn, how could we not? I think he would understand that, but he wouldn’t want us to dwell. He’d want us to spread the love that he showed all of us. He’d want us to go out and turn our emotions into something productive. So, do something with that. Jimmy has taught us all something - so take what Jimmy has taught you, take the emotions that you’re feeling, and turn them into something good. For Jimmy. Thank you.”

Ø

In front of a hazy, cloudy sky, Jimmy’s casket slowly lowered into the ground. Tears fell from everyone’s eyes as they said their final goodbyes to their friend, their son, their brother, their bandmate, their fiancée, their legend.

Aubrey couldn’t stand to look at anyone, so she kept her eyes focused on the corner of Jimmy’s casket until it was six feet in the ground and out of her sight.

After the priest said a few words and Jimmy’s parents thanked everyone for coming, the crowd began to disperse. But Aubrey lingered in the back of the mingling crowd, staring at the hole in the ground. She didn’t know when she would be able to make it back to Huntington Beach, so she tried to cherish the moment.

She said a silent goodbye to Jimmy in her head, thanking him for all of the memories, for making her feel so special and so much like family. Thanking him for bringing so much light into her life. He was a huge part of those life-changing months on tour, and she was so appreciative for the time with him. And so sorry that she didn’t try harder to stay in touch.

Lastly, she silently pleaded with him to keep an eye on all of his bandmates and Val. She was honestly pretty pissed at him for leaving them behind.

When she turned to finally walk away, someone grabbed her arm, stopping her. She whipped around to see Brian, with his fingers around her arm, looking desperate and dismal.

“Brian,” she said softly, her voice full of anguish.

“How long are you in town for?” He asked softly as he let go of her.

“I have to go get my things from my brother’s house then I’m heading back,” she answered honestly.

He swallowed then nodded. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to talk, but I’m glad you came.”

“I understand,” Aubrey said softly then glanced over her shoulder. As badly as she wanted to talk to him, to comfort him, she just didn’t feel like it was the right time or place. “I should get going.”

He nodded again. “Thanks for coming.”

She replied with a nod of her own then turned to walk away.

But again, he grabbed her arm to stop her. Except this time, he spun her around and pulled her to his body, pressing his lips to hers without any warning. Desperately, she kissed him back without a speck of hesitation, soaking up all of the grief and anguish that he was pouring into their kiss.

Seconds ago, it felt like she was talking to a stranger. But the taste of his mouth on hers brought so many familiar feelings back to her. It was comforting and painful all at once.

She pulled away first, but his eyes remained closed.

“For a split second, we were back on the bus, hiding in the back lounge, kissing. I could almost hear Jimmy yelling lewd things at Johnny,” Brian whispered before he opened his eyes.

Aubrey’s thumb moved along his cheek lovingly as he leaned into her touch. He was hurting. Bad. But it was clear that he didn’t need her to be his comfort anymore.

“Goodbye, Brian,” she said in a voice just barely above a whisper.

She dropped her hand and turned to walk away. And this time, he let her go.

Back at her brother’s house, tears fell silently as she packed up her belongings. She wasn’t even sure what she was crying over anymore. Jimmy? Brian? Her friendships in California?

Maybe all of the above?

Or maybe she was crying because now, more than ever, she wanted to drop everything in Phoenix and move to California. She realized what she had done and the mistakes she had made. But she had absolutely no right to pick up and move. Absolutely no right to that life anymore.

Because she had ruined that life. She ruined her relationship with Brian. Her relationship with Jimmy. Her relationships with the rest of the band and Val. And now she was paying the ultimate price for it.

She would never get that missed time back.

She deserved what was waiting for her in Phoenix. An empty apartment and superficial job. No friends, except Lauren, and no family. Shallow. Pointless. Meaningless.

A knock on the door pulled Aubrey away from her thoughts. She wondered if her brother was home from work early and had forgotten his keys or something.

Idiot, she thought with a small smile as she moved over to the door, wiping her eyes in the process.

But when she opened the door, it wasn’t her brother. It was Brian, with red-rimmed eyes and a pained look on his face.

“Hey…” Aubrey greeted carefully.

His brow was knitted and his shoulders rose and dropped with each breath; he was practically panting.

“Are you okay?” She asked.

His cheek twitched in a half smile that disappeared as quickly as it appeared. “I’m always gonna ask...”

Aubrey’s brow furrowed in confusion. “What?”

“Stay,” he breathed, almost in a pant.

She exhaled with sympathy and disbelief. “Brian, don’t do this...”

Was this a reaction from losing Jimmy? She understood clinging to loved ones at a time like this, but she was confused and scared to say the wrong thing. Was he serious? What about Val’s sister? What about the last year of absolutely zero communication?

She couldn’t believe he was really doing this.

He swallowed hard. “I never called. I never texted. I never answered when you did either. I gave up. On you. On us. And I’ve regretted it every day since. It got to be too much, too hard to deal with, and I just took the easy way out,” he spewed the words in his heart. “And that was honestly even harder to deal with. I stayed busy to try to keep my mind off of you but it didn’t work. It never worked. And I’m sick over the time we lost.”

She looked at the street behind him trying to process what was happening. “Brian, I ha-” The intonation in her voice dropped with a potential protest.

“Don’t you dare, Aubrey,” he interrupted sternly with a tense jaw and tears brimming his eyes. “I need you here. I’m going to be selfish, I’m going to fight you on this. You should be here. With me. With Val. With everyone else. Don’t you dare tell me otherwise, because I know you know it’s true.”

Her chest felt tight and her heart hurt for him. She had never seen him like this. Her heart was breaking all over again.

“Jimmy never let me forget that I gave up on you,” he finally admitted, exhaling. “He always said we’d end up together and that I would eat my words one day. He always said he would throw it in my face on our wedding day. But he never let me forget that you were always up front about your plans and that I was the one who gave up.”

“You had every right to,” she replied softly. “I was so selfish.”

He shook his head. “No. He was right. You always stood your ground from the start. You had your mind set on doing something for yourself and that never changed. It never should’ve surprised me, never angered me. But...it did. And I thought if I couldn’t handle the distance then I should just let you go and try to move on,” he exhaled. “So I tried. But it didn’t work. It made it even worse.”

She took a deep breath, as tears welled in the rims of her eyes, trying to process everything. She was so caught off guard but she could feel his words sinking into her pores and settling deep within her skin. They were the words she had been wanting to hear for months now.

“I tried to understand, I tried to accept it, I tried to move on. But it was fucking useless. I always brushed Jimmy off, but he was right, and it took something so fucking shocking for me to wake up and realize it. I still need you, Aubrey,” Brian said softly as a tear rolled down his cheek. “Here. I need you here.”

Tears fell from Aubrey’s eyes but she couldn’t speak.

“And I know you want to be here too,” he added gently. “You came all the way out here for Jimmy, for us. I know your heart is right here in California.”

She nodded gently. Because no matter where she physically resided, her heart would probably always be in Huntington Beach.

“Stay,” he whispered. “I need you now more than ever.”

Notes

Only one more chapter left in this story, aaahhhhh! Thank you so much for always reading and supporting this rollercoaster!