Don't You Dare

“He died, Bree.”

Her brother’s words echoed through the phone and into her ear, but Aubrey simply blinked, zoning in on a black speck on her pristine white countertop. She narrowed her eyes. Did she accidentally write on the counter?

She used the pad of her finger to rub the speck. It didn’t erase. It didn’t even smudge.

It was too small to be from a permanent marker but too big to be from a pen. And if it was from a pencil, it would’ve smudged.

Besides, she couldn’t remember the last time she even wrote something while sitting at her kitchen counter. She always sat at the desk in her bedroom when she worked.

So then, who the hell wrote on her kitchen counter?

“Are you there? Did you hear what I said?” Andrew’s voice broke through the phone that she was still clutching to her ear, interrupting her detachment from reality.

She blinked again. The speck on her counter was gone.

She ran her fingertip over the spot where the speck had been. There was no trace of it.

“Aubrey?” Andrew’s voice brought her back again.

“What happened?” Aubrey whispered. Her voice didn’t sound like it belonged to her.

“I don’t know. His fiancée found him dead at their home this morning,” he answered.

Aubrey instantly felt lightheaded. She grabbed the side of the sink to steady herself. Jimmy had a fiancée? A fiancée that he lived with? A fiancée that he left behind?

Holy hell. She had missed so much. So much that she would never get to hear from him directly.

“They think he died around 8 o'clock this morning,” he added.

Oh, God. Her hand clutched at her heart through her shirt.

“He just...died?” She asked softly.

“They don’t really know,” he answered as honestly as he could, wishing he had the answers to give to his sister.

She couldn’t wrap her head around it. How does someone in their twenties just die? Something had to have been wrong. After all the crazy shit Jimmy has done and survived, even just since Aubrey has known him, and he just dies in his sleep?

“...Jason Berry’s wedding reception was last night,” Andrew hesitantly informed her, knowing he needed to give her something more to help her understand how this possibly could’ve happened.

What? Jason and Kelsey had gotten married? Holy shit. What else had she missed out on in the past year?

Aubrey blinked again, trying to clear the blur from her eyes, wondering why her vision was suddenly so cloudy.

“I saw Jimmy there,” Andrew explained carefully.

Andrew was with Jimmy last night? Which meant he was with Brian last night too? And Valary, Matt, Zack, and Johnny? She felt like she was in an alternate universe. A dream. A bad dream. A nightmare.

This was too much. She was going to be sick.

“He was really drunk, maybe on some other stuff, but no one seemed to be alarmed,” he continued. “He was coherent, playing the piano and singing, completely entertaining everyone. I have no idea what could’ve happened.”

Silent tears fell down Aubrey’s cheek in an instant. She was so unbelievably jealous that her brother had not only seen all of her most cherished friends last night, but he had been in Jimmy’s presence on his last night on this earth.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that I was going to see them last night,” Andrew said softly. “I didn’t want to upset you.”

“It’s okay,” Aubrey replied with a sniffle. That was the least of her worries right now.

After a few moments of silence, Andrew asked, “Are you okay, Bree?”

No. Fuck no. How could anyone ever be okay ever again? How could anyone be okay without Jimmy on this earth?

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Aubrey answered flatly. “This is just a lot to process.”

“Why don’t you go stay at Lauren’s tonight?” He suggested. “So you’re not alone.”

“Yeah,” Aubrey spoke involuntarily, words just sliding out of her mouth completely out of control. Everything hurt too bad to try and control. “I’ll probably do that.”

“Okay,” he sighed. “Try to get some rest tonight. I’ll call you in the morning and check in, okay? But call me if you need anything before then. Love you.”

“I will,” Aubrey promised without intention. “Love you too.”

He hung up and her phone slid out of her hand and crashed onto the floor as she darted for the kitchen trashcan. She leaned over it just in time to spew her dinner and five Peach Bellinis. Her stomach clenched as she heaved, continuing to vomit until there was nothing left inside of her.

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, shutting her eyes and slowly trembling to the floor. A cry bubbled up her torso as she clutched her chest. It hurt so bad.

Her body shook with vicious, silent sobs as she leaned back against the cabinets with her knees pulled up to her chest. She cried so hard that she gasped for air, but she somehow felt like she couldn’t cry hard enough.

She couldn’t cry hard enough to make it stop hurting or to wrap her head around how much had changed in the past year and a half. She couldn’t cry hard enough to bring Jimmy back. She couldn’t cry hard enough to go back in time and move to California. She couldn’t cry hard enough to make up for all the time lost - it was gone forever.

Most people become numb when they hear devastating news, but she could feel every fucking nerve and nerve ending in her body. And they all hurt. Everything hurt.

She hadn’t seen Jimmy in over a year. And she hadn’t spoken to him in over six months. But she couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing him, never speaking to him again, never being able to hear his voice again.

If she was hurting this bad, she couldn’t even imagine how Brian was feeling.

“Oh, God,” she choked out at the realization as she sat up straight.

Brian.

Ø

The sun was just starting to rise when Aubrey drove past the Huntington Beach City Limits sign. She made the drive in just five and a half hours. Five and a half hours of silence; she couldn’t bear to turn her radio on. Five and a half hours of tears; she couldn’t control them - they just fell as they pleased. Five and a half hours of self-reflection and the biggest wake-up call she’d ever received.

She had been so unbelievably selfish when it came to Brian. So self-absorbed. He asked, begged, and pleaded for her to move to California with him. Would it have really killed her? He wanted her, he needed her, and she had always been too scared to make that leap, too focused on herself.

And she realized she had paid the ultimate price for it. She was so pissed that it took an event like this to finally get her to see clearly.

But that was in the past. Never again would she selfishly sacrifice a promising relationship for her egocentric needs. She missed out on so much time with the guys, with Jimmy in particular. Time that she will never get back.

But now, she was going to be there for Brian.

It was almost midnight by the time Aubrey threw a packed bag into the backseat of her car. She climbed into the driver’s seat, set off her GPS, and drove off into the night toward Huntington Beach without another thought.

She had been moving on autopilot since her brother had called. She didn’t even really make the conscious decision to go to California. She just went.

She didn’t know what to expect, how Brian would react, but she wanted him to know she was there for him.

The morning sky was shining when she drove up to Brian's house, and she wondered how the sun could shine so bright when the world was so dark without Jimmy.

She climbed out of her car, surprised that she was able to even remember where Brian lived. There wasn’t a single thing about him that she didn’t remember vividly...

Standing in front of his door, she lifted her fist to knock but hesitated. She knew that as soon as she knocked on his door, their relationship would split into two eras - Before Jimmy Died and After Jimmy Died. So much would change. So much had already changed. But they had yet to cross over into the After era, so she took a second to savor the brief moment that was left in the pre-tragedy stage.

With a deep exhale, she finally knocked. Next came the sound of locks clicking and deadbolts turning. And then Brian appeared.

He was shirtless, naturally, and completely in shock to see her standing on the other side of the door.

“Aubrey,” he breathed in disbelief.

Tears welled up in Aubrey’s eyes. He looked the same but so very different. He looked tired and sad and worn out but still like her Brian.

He quickly reached for her, pulling her into a hug as his own tears fell. The familiar smell of him overwhelming her. He still smelled like her Brian, too.

“Brian,” she sobbed into his chest quietly.

He held her closer, tighter, needing the moment as much as she did. It didn’t feel real. He was so sad, so happy, so conflicted, so unsure of how he was going to survive.

“Bri? Who is it?” A small, unexpected female voice approached.

Aubrey pulled away from Brian and glanced over his shoulder to see...Val? Kind of Val? What the fuck?

“Val?” She asked with a confused brow as she sniffled, wiping the tears from under her eyes.

“Aubrey, this is Michelle,” Brian introduced. “Val’s twin sister.”

Aubrey really could not handle any more unexpected information or surprises. But this? This was...

Val’s twin sister? Did she even know Val had a twin? A twin sister who was fucking Brian?

Aubrey silently laughed in her heard - Val’s twin sister was probably not fucking Brian but dating him. She probably lived in Huntington Beach, she probably lived in his house, she was probably constantly available, not in Phoenix, not self-absorbed, and not focused on her career and only her career.

She was here, she was Brian’s, and Aubrey was not either of those things.

The woman smiled gently at her. “You’re Aubrey? I’ve heard so much about you. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“Yeah, you too,” Aubrey said, trying to remain as normal as possible on the outside while the inside was flipping its shit.

“Please, come in,” Michelle motioned for her to enter.

“Oh, I-” Aubrey wanted to refuse, she wanted to run, she wanted to disappear into thin air...

“Come on,” Michelle held with sympathy in her voice. “I’ll put some coffee on.”

...So Aubrey simply nodded and stepped through the threshold instead.

“I’m gonna go get dressed,” Brian said softly to Michelle, who nodded and gave him a gentle smile that crushed Aubrey’s core.

At this rate, the pain in her chest would never go away.

As she followed Michelle through Brian’s house to his kitchen, reality hit her like a ton of bricks.

When she set off for California, driving through the night, she had no idea how Brian would react, if he would be happy or angry to see her. She had no idea what he would say; hell, she had no idea what she would say. But the absolute LAST thing she ever expected was to see another girl in his house. And she sure as hell never would’ve expected that girl to be Valary’s twin sister.

She realized she had made a huge mistake. How could she have been so dumb to think Brian would be waiting for her with open arms, the morning after his best friend died, single and ready to take her back? What the fuck was she thinking? God, she was so selfish.

"I'm so sorry to just show up like this," Aubrey apologized, finally regaining some sense of composure. “I wanted to check on the guys in person and just jumped in the car and drove overnight. I wasn’t thinking-”

“Oh god, don’t be sorry. This is rocking everyone’s world. Sorry that he’s a little distant this morning,” Michelle apologized to her as she began putting on a pot of coffee. “The last 24 hours have been hard.”

She knows how to work his coffee machine. She’s not new to this house.

“I understand,” Aubrey said softly, feeling like she was in an alternate reality again. Nothing felt real anymore. “I am so sorry for your loss.”

So sorry for your loss? Did she really just say that? It felt like she was speaking about the loss of a stranger.

“I’m sorry for your loss, too,” Michelle said with a sigh as she turned around and leaned against the cabinets, facing Aubrey.

“I hadn’t seen him much the last couple years,” Aubrey explained, suddenly feeling very sheepish.

“Anyone who knew Jimmy at all is suffering today,” Michelle countered. “No matter the last time you saw him or how well you knew him. That’s the kind of impact he made on people. He never met a stranger.”

“That’s the truth,” Aubrey agreed, nodding.

She watched as Michelle poured two cups of coffee and wondered if she knew about her past with Brian. Did she know about all of the trials and tribulations they went through? All the drama and heartache? Did she know how stupid Aubrey had been to not cling to Brian for dear life?

Michelle brought the sugars and creams to the table then handed one mug to Aubrey, who thanked her. She mixed in some sugar and took a slow sip then exhaled a deep breath. It was amazing what even one sip of coffee could do for someone’s tired soul.

“So you’re from Phoenix, right?” Michelle asked as she leaned against the counter again and began sipping her coffee.

Aubrey nodded cautiously, wondering how she knew that.

“Jimmy talked about you a lot,” Michelle explained.

Aubrey quickly glanced up at her to gauge her expression. Was she being serious? Oh god, she was. Jesus, please don’t cry in front of Brian’s new girlfriend.

“They all did. They never gave many details about you, like they wanted to keep you all to themselves,” the blonde continued with a laugh. “But your name came up in so many stories.”

Tears filled the rim of Aubrey’s eyes but before she could say anything, Brian walked in the kitchen wearing a faded black t-shirt and jeans. He and Aubrey locked eyes, sharing so many thoughts without saying a word.

Michelle glanced from him to Aubrey then back to him, knowing she needed to give them some time alone. “I’m going to go take a quick shower,” she spoke to Brian, who finally looked over at her, then she turned to Aubrey and said, “We’ll chat more when I get out, okay? Please make yourself at home.”

Aubrey nodded her head then Michelle gave Brian a small sympathetic smile and walked past him and out of the room.

When she heard the bedroom door shut, Aubrey stood. She was getting the fuck out of there. And fast. She didn’t want to appear erratic like a bat out of hell in front of Michelle, but Brian had seen her at her worst, knew her better than she knew herself, so she wasn’t going to pretend anymore.

He didn’t move from his spot in the doorway of the kitchen when he opened his mouth to speak but she interrupted him before he could say a word.

“She’s great, Brian,” she said softly, trying to smile at him.

“AC, I-”

“No,” she cut him off again. “It’s okay. I don’t know what I expected when I got in the car and drove here. I just wanted to see you guys and check on you guys, and I ended up here first.”

He nodded, knowing she was full of shit, but not knowing what to say. He just wasn’t in the right state of mind to deal with it right now, and she knew it. For once, she was not going to be selfish, she was not going to make this about her.

“I’m so, so sorry, Brian,” she said carefully. Sorry about Jimmy, sorry about us, sorry about this.

He swallowed hard, keeping his emotions at bay. “Everyone will be at Matt and Val’s today. You should stop by. They would love to see you.”

“I will,” Aubrey nodded. “Tell Michelle thanks for the coffee and that I’m sorry I had to leave.”

He didn’t respond until she started to walk past him. Like a reflex, he reached out, catching her by her arm to stop her.

“Wait,” he said softly.

But she pulled out of his tender grasp easily and shook her head as she continued walking toward the door.

“Bye, Brian.”

Thankfully he didn’t follow her as she quickly jogged to her car and turned it on then drove off. She had no idea where she was going but she drove in a straight line until she came across a convenience store that was just opening for the day. She hastily pulled in and parked her car as the tears fell down her cheeks in waves.

She hit her steering wheel with one swift blow then buried her face in her hands and sobbed.

Sobbed for Jimmy.

Sobbed for Brian.

Sobbed for how fucking awful everything felt.

Ø

After Aubrey showed up at her brother’s place unannounced at nearly 7 o’clock in the morning, she collapsed into his arms, sobbing hysterically and babbling incoherently until she passed out on his couch. She woke five hours later and walked like a silent zombie to his bathroom where she showered and re-emerged somewhat resembling a human again.

“How you feeling?” Andrew asked, sitting at his computer, attempting to get some work done.

“I’m feeling everything and nothing all at once,” Aubrey answered, sighing. “Sorry for showing up unannounced.”

He nodded, understanding. “It’s okay, I just can’t believe you drove all the way here overnight.”

She shook her head. “I just had to be here.”

He bobbed his head in a nod again. “I get it.”

“Before I came here, I went to Brian’s house,” Aubrey blurted.

“Oh,” was all her brother could emit.

After a pause, a chuckle bubbled up her throat. “I went to Brian’s, and Valary’s twin sister was there.” More laughter. “I had woken them up. Because they were sleeping together.” She laughed again. “I had the audacity to drive six hours overnight to Huntington Beach and woke him up by banging on his door the morning after his best friend had died.” The laughs were uncontrollable at this point. “And then I had the audacity to be offended by the fact that another woman was in his house. After months of not speaking. After so many months of refusing a real relationship with him.”

Tears were streaming down Aubrey’s face. Her brother couldn’t tell if they were from laughing or crying. She was basically doing both at that point.

After her laughter subsided, she continued, “And now Jimmy is dead. I want to comfort them so bad but I think I lost that privilege.”

She sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes.

“I hate myself,” she finished.

Andrew didn’t say a word. He just watched his sister, giving her his full attention. Because he didn’t know what else to do. Because there wasn’t anything else he could do. He couldn’t bring Jimmy back and he couldn’t go back in time for her.

“What can I do, Aubrey?” He asked softly, just wanting to ease some of her pain. Even if it was somewhat self-inflicted.

Knowing she was not in any state to safely drive at the moment, she asked, “Actually, can you bring me somewhere?”

An hour later, he dropped her off and watched as she walked up to Matt and Valary’s beautiful home on the beach. It was full of people; he could tell just from the outside. So many people walking in and out, carrying trays of food, drinks, etc. It looked like a giant party. And how fitting that Jimmy’s death would lead to a get-together that looked like a big party.

When Aubrey approached the door, she knocked, feeling awkward about just walking inside. After a few seconds, the door opened and she was immediately greeted by Jason Berry’s girlfriend - no wait, his wife - Kelsey.

“Holy shit, Aubrey,” Kelsey greeted her with tearful eyes, immediately throwing her arms around her neck.

“Hey, Kelsey. How are y’all doing?” Aubrey asked through a tense voice, trying so hard to keep her tears back, as she hugged her old friend.

“Just taking it one hour at a time,” Kelsey answered as she pulled out of the hug. “Come on in. There’s plenty of food and drinks. Everyone will be so glad to see you.”

Another person walked up to the door behind her and greeted Kelsey, so Aubrey stepped inside and made her way to the kitchen.

It had been so long since she had been in their house, she couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable, like she didn’t belong, like she shouldn’t be there. Sure, Brian had invited her, but was it out of obligation?

To keep herself looking busy and not completely lost, she made herself a drink, a drink she didn’t even want, and stood off to the side to scan the crowds of people. She recognized quite a few people moving in and out of the rooms, but she didn’t feel comfortable enough to speak to anyone. In fact, she was starting to feel like she should leave. She really didn’t have any right to be there anymore.

Was she ever going to use her brain again? Why would any of these people want to see her right now?

“No way.”

At the sound of a familiar voice, Aubrey glanced to her side to see Johnny, frozen in place.

She smiled gently at him, unsure of the emotions behind his reaction, then watched as he rushed over to her, barreling into her and hugging her tight.

“Oh fuck, I can’t believe you’re here.” He held it together for a few seconds, but his shoulders began to shake as he cried into Aubrey’s neck.

She hugged him back, feeling so much relief that he didn’t seem to hate her, that she was able to comfort him. She tried so hard to hold back her tears but she couldn’t control them. They spewed out of her red rimmed eyes.

“I can’t believe this, Johnny,” Aubrey choked out in a whisper.

“None of us can, AC,” he replied quietly.

Hearing him call her by her nickname flooded her with nostalgic relief.

Johnny pulled out of the hug and wiped his eyes with the collar of his shirt then moved his hands to her shoulders. He looked at her with tearful eyes and gave her a sympathetic, yet appreciative, smile before squeezing her shoulders once and letting go. He glanced over his shoulder, looking around the room for something or someone.

“Val!” He called. “Look who’s here.”

Val turned around to search for her friend’s voice. Her eyes were red and tired, as if she had been crying nonstop for the past 24 hours and had finally stopped. Until she laid eyes on Aubrey. As her eyes widened with realization, the tears began again almost instantly. She quickly ran over and consumed the familiar person in a desperate hug.

“Oh god, I’m so glad you’re here, Aubrey,” she whispered. “I’m so happy to see you. Thank you so much for coming.”

Aubrey couldn’t stop her tears from falling again. She hugged her friend tight.

“I’m so sorry, Val,” she replied in a soft voice. “I’m just... I’m so sorry.”

Val pulled out of the hug and looked her friend in the eye with a nod, knowing she was apologizing for so much more than the agony they were experiencing at the moment.

After Johnny and Val were pulled in another direction to greet other guests, Aubrey moved back to the side of the oversized kitchen. She felt better about the reactions of Johnny and Val, but she still hadn’t seen Brian yet. Leaning against the counter with a red solo cup in her hand, she scanned the crowd until her eyes found what they were looking for.

Brian.

He looked completely worn out and dejected, a sight that truly pained her, as he spoke to someone that she didn’t recognize. And right next to him stood Michelle, smiling sympathetically and nodding at what Brian was saying. Playing the part of loyal, doting girlfriend with absolute expertise.

"They're broken up.”

Aubrey glanced over her shoulder to see Zack walking over to her this time. He began to re-fill his own red solo cup with a beverage.

“What?” She asked.

He leaned against the sink beside her, the side of his arm touching hers. Almost like they never spent any time apart.

"I know you're wondering about the story there,” Zack nodded toward Brian and Michelle. “They dated for a while but they've been broken up for months. But Michelle is Val's sister so she knew Jimmy well too. I think the grief just brought them back together temporarily."

Aubrey nodded, watching the couple continue to interact with the crowd. They weren’t touching or comforting each other, but they stayed by each other’s side. "I didn't expect him to be here waiting for me with open arms." It was not a complete lie since she didn’t know what to expect.

"I know you didn't. But to be honest, he probably would have been if he had known you were coming,” Zack informed.

She glanced at him. "He probably hates me. But I don't blame him. For so long I refused to be in California with him, then I show up unannounced when his best friend dies. I'm seriously a dick."

Zack chuckled softly. “He just couldn’t handle the distance, AC. But... he hasn't really been the same since you left Flagstaff. Maybe even before then."

Aubrey sighed.

"I hate the reason but I'm glad you're here. Jimmy would’ve been really happy to see you,” Zack said. “He talked about you all the time, even when he knew Brian didn’t want him to. He would tell everyone about the secret sixth member of the Avenged Sevenfold biker gang, AC Black."

That warmed her heart and sent tears to the rims of her eyes.

“How are you doing, Zack?” She asked.

It was a stupid question to ask people after their best friend just died, she knew that, but she needed them to know that she was there for them, thinking of them.

“On autopilot right now,” he answered honestly.

She nodded, understanding completely. “You seem to be hanging in there.”

He shrugged. “Jimmy would be so pissed if he knew we were all sitting around crying over him.”

“He would, wouldn’t he?” Aubrey concurred with a soft, sad smile.

Zack nodded. “I mean, I have my moments, here and there, when I remember the fact that he won’t ever sucker punch me again or scream in my face when he knows I have a killer hangover.” His eyes grew glassy. “But I just know he wouldn’t want us to be like this.”

He made a really good point. Jimmy would want people to celebrate, not mourn.

Zack cleared his throat. “You know why he broke up with her?” He nodded back to Brian, changing the subject to avoid breaking down again.

Aubrey shook her head.

He smiled softly. “Because she’s not you.”

After he placed a quick peck on her cheek, he walked off, leaving Aubrey to process those four words…

She met so many people at Matt and Val’s that day. So many people who knew Jimmy, loved Jimmy, and missed Jimmy. She heard so many stories about him. So many stories that probably should’ve never been shared.

Tears were shed, of course. But it spoke volumes about Jimmy that the majority of the day and night were spent smiling while everyone told and retold their favorite Jimmy stories, laughing at the recalling of Jimmy’s wild antics; friends and strangers coming together in honor of him.

At one point, Aubrey caught sight of Brian. His eyes were red and glassy but he was laughing as he listened to an old tour story about Jimmy scaring the shit out of people and terrorizing the tour crew.

The sad smile on his face made Aubrey want to go over to him, to comfort him. To say or do whatever would make him happy. To apologize. To beg him to take her back, to let her stay in California. With him. Forever.

But she didn’t.

She kept her distance.

Because this wasn’t about her. She finally realized that. And she no longer had the right or privilege to comfort him.

Notes

Thank you all for still sticking around to read this story!!! (And for not hating me!)