Don't You Dare

The bus was quiet when Valary woke up - a.k.a. the perfect time to get work done. She slipped out of the bunk she shared with Matt, who was still fast asleep, and crept down the hallway into the living area. She was startled to see Brian sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead at the opposite wall of windows, watching the interstate pass by, clearly in a daze. She checked the clock. It was 6:30 in the morning. It had only been a couple of hours since they had to leave Aubrey behind in Phoenix. She figured he was still processing his emotions over it.

“Already awake or haven’t gone to sleep yet?” She asked, even though she knew the answer, as she grabbed her laptop.

“Haven’t gone to sleep,” Brian answered softly, with his gaze still lost in the windows.

Val brought her laptop to the table adjacent to the couch that Brian was sitting on and sat down. “Mind if I set up in here? I’ve got some stuff to work on this morning for the next tour.”

He nodded.

She started her computer, watching as everything loaded, but her mind was on Brian. He was hardly even blinking. This didn’t look like his usual “sad to leave Aubrey” mood. This looked like something more to her.

And though she didn’t want to pry, she was concerned and curious about this different mood.

“You okay?” She eventually asked.

Finally, Brian broke his stare and looked over at Val.

He shook his head. “Not really, no.” Typically, he would’ve lied and said he was fine, but since it was Val, he was honest.

“What’s going on?” She pressed.

“Don’t want to interrupt your work,” he mumbled, going back to staring at the windows across from him.

“You’ve been one of my best friends for as long as I can remember. Work can take a backseat for a few minutes,” she insisted.

Slowly, he inhaled a deep breath then let it out. “I blew up on Aubrey right before I left this morning.”

“Oh, Bri,” Val cooed with disappointment. “Why?”

“Because I’d do anything to have her come back out on tour with us, but she won’t. And I keep thinking that she’s gonna change her mind, but it’s becoming pretty clear to me that she won’t.”

“Because of her job?” Val wondered.

Brian nodded his head. “Yeah, a job that she got after she went back home the first time. A job that shouldn’t be more important than us. Than me.”

“I don’t think it’s about the job itself,” she replied.

He sighed. “I guess I take it personally, like if she truly loved me, she’d do it. She’d drop everything and come on tour.”

Valary frowned. “Honey, I don’t think she would’ve flown out to be with you for a week if she didn’t love you. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have called me to set everything up behind your back so she could surprise you. She’s doing the best she can. I honestly believe that.”

Brian didn’t reply.

“When she came out on tour with us, she was a little lost, Bri. For someone who’s not in this scene, it’s a little wild to just take off for four months to go on a tour with a bunch of strangers. She left her life behind, put her life on hold, for that. And it was great. I think it really helped her. But when the tour was over, she still had a life to get back to. And I don’t think she was happy with that life, so she probably felt like she had to start over.”

“She could’ve started over with us,” Brian insisted.

“She is starting over with us,” Valary reminded him. “We’re a part of her life now. She might not be with us or with you while she’s getting herself together, but we’re a part of her new life. You are a part of her new life.”

He nodded, but it was clear to Valary that he still wasn’t totally convinced.

“Brian,” Valary said sternly.

He glanced over at her, recognizing her serious voice.

“It’s okay that she wants to do this,” she explained. “It’s okay that she wants to do something for herself even if you don’t understand her reasoning. She can love you and have a life of her own. I know it’s not what you want but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. In fact, I think it’s mature and level-headed that she doesn’t drop her entire life to be by your side 24/7. You’ve only known each other for, like, 9 months.”

He nodded, knowing Val was right. But it didn’t ease the pain much. And Valary could read that on his face.

“But you know, honey, it’s also okay if you’re not willing to wait around for that.” It killed Valary to say that, because she was rooting for their relationship probably as much as Jimmy was, but she was loyal to Brian too. And she wanted the best for him, whatever that was. “Your feelings are just as valid as hers. If you are willing to wait and deal with a long-distance relationship, then great. I think it will pay off in the long run. But if it’s too much for you, that’s okay too.”

He nodded, soaking in the words that she spoke. Did he want to wait? Ideally, he wanted to, but it was difficult at times. He wanted to but was he physically and emotionally able to?

He stood up and walked over to Val then kissed the top of her head. “Thanks.”

She smiled sympathetically. “Love you, Bri.”

“Love you, Val,” he whispered as he walked down the hallway and got into his bunk.

His head felt foggy and frenzied as he laid down, staring up at the ceiling of his bunk. He needed sleep, he needed a fresh mind to mull things over, but he couldn’t relax. Aubrey was consuming his entire being. He was buzzing with adrenaline and fear and love. And it was frustrating him at the moment.

Aubrey, Aubrey, Aubrey.

He couldn’t lie, she had consumed his thoughts since that first night they spent together. He thought about the way she flirted with him that night and how she said “y’all” and how he thought it was adorable.

He thought about how strong their connection was and how their “one night” pact didn’t even last 24 hours.

He thought about her in New York, at the top of Rockefeller Center, with the city skyline behind her and her hair blowing in the wind.

He thought about her on his balcony, wearing his shirt, with the waves crashing in the background and again, her hair blowing in the wind.

He thought about the first time he pushed inside of her without a condom, the first time he pushed inside anyone without a condom, and how he immediately knew she had ruined him in the best possible way.

He thought about how he felt when she surprised him at the first California stop of Warped Tour and how it felt like he was dreaming when she ran into his arms.

He thought about every smile she gave him, every moan that had escaped her lips with him, every single time she had come undone either underneath him or on top of him.

He thought about it all.

He knew he was probably meant to spend the rest of his life with her, with the stars aligning just right to bring them together. He loved her so much that it hurt. But sometimes it felt like she didn’t return that same passion. And if she didn’t love him in the same way, he didn’t know if the pain was worth it.

Ø

Aubrey’s fingers clacked away at the keyboard. Her eyes stayed focused on the computer screen. At work, she was in her element, in her own world. The only things on her mind at the moment were the travel destinations she was typing an article about.

“Ford.”

Aubrey’s eyes glanced up to see the chief editor standing in the doorway. The boss. She was a tall redhead, always dressed to the nines, always with a face full of makeup, and always on the go.

“Good morning,” Aubrey greeted kindly. If she wanted to weasel her way into an editing position one day, she had to be at her boss’s beck and call 24/7.

“I have that Hawthorne meeting in ten,” she reminded. “But the piece on affording city living is not ready to be published. Can you finish that up for me? It’s due in an hour.”

Her boss was asking her to finish a piece that she was working on. Meaning she trusted Aubrey to complete an article that would have her name on it. This was huge.

Aubrey tried to play it cool with a nod. “Sure.”

“You’re a lifesaver,” she winked then walked away.

Aubrey’s eyes widened. She took a moment to let the request sink in then instinctively, she reached for her phone to text Brian the good news, but then her hand slunk away. She hadn’t heard from him since he left her apartment five days ago. And it was slowly eating her up inside.

She knew that she could text Brian anyway, and he’d be happy for her. She knew he’d be there for her no matter what. But there was too much unsettled dust for her to send him a message like nothing had ever happened. And she wasn’t sure she was ready to revisit those emotions again. Certainly not when she had a huge edit to finish and her own to continue working on.

Suddenly, her phone vibrated, buzzing loudly. She jumped slightly, picking it up hastily. It was a message from Val. She quickly opened it.

Wanted to let you know that we just saw that asshole from the BBQ that Brian punched. When he saw us (or Brian, I guess) walking toward him, he ran off so fast - looked like a bat straight out of hell. LOL.

Aubrey chuckled. That made her happy. She appreciated being kept in the loop by the others, at the very least.

She replied to Val then put her phone back on her desk. She wasn’t going to worry about the Brian issue. Not when she had a huge task at hand.

And with that, she pushed him to the back of her mind and got to work.

Ø

Two weeks later, inside a random bar in a random city, Jimmy and Brian sat at high table playing a drinking game that involved Jimmy taking a shot every time Johnny said the word ‘dick’ during his pool game against Matt, and Brian taking a shot every time Zack scratched the white ball in his pool game against Val.

“You dick!” Johnny shouted.

“Shot,” Jimmy announced with a lack of enthusiasm as he drank the bitter beverage in one large gulp.

Brian laughed, still having four full shot glasses of his five total in comparison to Jimmy’s one remaining full glass.

Suddenly, a familiar song began playing through the speakers of the bar. Only Jimmy and Brian seemed to notice as a smirk spread across Brian’s face and Jimmy’s eyes grew wide. They turned to look at each other as they heard the sounds of ‘Big Pimpin’ by Jay-Z fill their ears.

“Shit, man,” Jimmy groaned, his face falling. “Makes me think of AC.”

“I know,” Brian agreed, rubbing his hands down his face.

“You miss her, huh?” Jimmy asked, catching a rare serious tone with his best friend.

Brian looked at him. He wanted to lie. He wanted to say no. But he couldn’t lie to his best friend. So he rolled his eyes and confirmed. “Yeah, I do.”

“Me too.”

“I’d do anything to get her back out here with us. But she won’t,” Brian explained.

Jimmy let out an exasperated sigh. “She can’t, dude.”

“She could,” Brian reiterated.

“Okay,” Jimmy relented. “Yeah, she could, but she’s not ready yet. Don’t make her feel like shit for not being ready yet.”

“I just don’t get it,” Brian admitted.

“You don’t have to get it,” Jimmy said simply. “She needs to do this, for whatever reason, so this is the relationship you have now. Long distance. Having to make travel plans to see each other.”

“It sucks,” Brian exhaled.

“Well yeah, it sucks,” Jimmy confirmed. “But think about how great it’ll be when you can finally be in the same city after putting up with so much.”

Brian nodded. Jimmy was such a clown and such a pain in his ass, but he was also his best friend, someone who knew when to get serious, when to be blunt, and how to get through Brian’s thick, stubborn skull.

“Scratch!” Jimmy pointed out Zack’s blunder. “Drink, Haner.”

Brian quickly downed a shot then confessed something that had been festering in the pit of his stomach for days. “I haven’t talked to her since I left that morning.”

“What?!” Jimmy damn near screeched.

“I don’t know what to say to her,” Brian sighed. “I was a dick when I left. I threw a bitch fit and just left. And now I can’t face her. And I don’t know what to say.”

“Maybe you should start with I’m sorry!” Jimmy suggested with annoyance.

Brian shrugged. Okay, maybe he liked it better when Jimmy was fucking around, being a clown and a pain in the ass. Sure, he was wise and thoughtful, but it was usually hidden beneath layers of jokes and laughs and immaturity. So when the serious/thoughtful side came out, he was usually putting Brian in his place.

Jimmy frowned softly. He had never seen his best friend so happy with someone (and so miserable without someone) before. And truthfully, he had never liked any of Brian’s girlfriends before either. He would lose a friend if they broke up and, selfishly, he wasn’t happy about that either.

Zack scratched again, causing Brian to take another shot.

As the liquid burned his throat, he groaned.

“Let’s send her a picture,” Jimmy said, whipping out his phone and flipping his camera on. “Make a sad face so she knows how much you actually miss her.”

He did, sticking his bottom lip out profusely and making sad puppy eyes at the camera. Jimmy did the same.

He captioned the picture: Doesn’t feel right to listen to Big Pimpin’ without you! We miss you!

They sent the picture and went back to watching the pool games.

“Dude,” Jimmy got Brian’s attention. “Let’s just go see her.”

“Who?” Brian asked. “Aubrey?”

“Yeah,” Jimmy said. “In a couple weeks when we go back home for a few days. Let’s go drive and see her and surprise her.”

Feeling intoxicated and his heart aching for Aubrey, he nodded in agreement. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Jimmy asked.

“Yeah!” Brian shouted. “Let’s fucking do it.”

Ø

The next night, Brian sat in the back lounge of the bus fiddling with his guitar and wallowing in his self-pity. His phone rang beside him. He glanced at the screen. Aubrey was calling.

Without hesitating, he declined the call. It would be hard to hear her voice but not see her face, and he had been struggling with the distance ever since he left her in Phoenix.

Sure, he and Jimmy had talked about driving to go see her when this tour ends in a couple weeks, but would they really do it? Unlikely.

And what would he say? Hey, I didn’t text or call you because I’m a coward, but I just drove six hours without warning to see you, so, wanna fuck?

He rolled his eyes at himself. There was no way he was going to see her at this rate.

Minutes later, Jimmy came into the room. He was holding his phone to his ear, with an animated smile on his face. The person on the other end of the phone was loud, rambling on and on.

With his eyebrows raised, he nodded. “I know, AC. Right. Yeah, okay, here he is.”

Brian made a face and shook his head, to silently inform Jimmy he did not want to talk to her, but Jimmy handed him the phone anyway, saying, “Trust me, dude, you’re gonna want to talk to her.”

Brian sighed and took a moment to mentally prepare himself then brought the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

“BRIAN!” Aubrey screeched.

His eyes went wide.

Jimmy laughed. “Told you.”

“Are you drunk?” Brian asked.

“Absolutely shitfaced,” She responded, talking in a British accent.

“Why are you suddenly British?” He wondered.

Jimmy cackled in the background. “I fucking love that girl.”

“We met these English blokes at the bar!” Aubrey explained, continuing with her drunken accent. “So they’re speaking in an American accent, and Lauren and I are speaking proper English! Whoever breaks character first buys the next round!”

Though he really didn’t want to, Brian chuckled. She affects him in ways that no else can. He had been down in the dumps for days, but he still can’t stop the smile that she puts on his face.

“Are you having fun?” He asked, realizing how much he really missed her voice.

“God, no,” she answered in her normal voice. “I’m too old for this shit. All these drunk guys trying to hit on us and buy us drinks. It’s so trashy.”

Brian felt his blood boiling the instant she spoke those words. Did she say that just to make him jealous?

“And it sucks because not a single one of these guys are you. And it sucks because you’re not here to punch any of them.”

He exhaled, feeling relief. This phone call was already a rollercoaster of emotions that he wasn’t prepared to feel.

“I’m sorry, Brian,” she sighed. “I’m sorry I’m chicken shit. Too chicken shit to come on tour for good, too chicken shit to hop in my car and surprise you at your house and stay forever, too chicken shit to actually physically date you, all of the above.”

Brian waved Jimmy out the room, who rolled his eyes but left, shutting the door behind him.

“You want to date me?” Brian asked in a low voice, just in case Jimmy was still listening.

“I want to do everything with you,” she said in her normal voice.

His heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t tell if those words made him feel better or worse.

He wasn’t sure what to say, so after a few moments of silence, Aubrey resumed her awful faux British accent then she continued, “But alas, I am too chicken shit.”

He laughed, feeling slightly airier than before. “You’re fucking adorable but I can’t take you seriously with an accent.”

“Sorry,” she apologized again. “Do you still love me?”

“Always, baby,” he admitted truthfully. “Do you still love me?”

“Always, baby,” she echoed. “Always.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call,” Brian sighed.

“Hold on, I can barely hear you,” she muttered into the phone.

Moments later, the background noise from the bar got softer and quieter, and he figured she must’ve gone outside or something.

“Okay, now,” she said. “What’d you say?”

“I said I’m sorry,” Brian repeated. “Sorry for how I left and sorry for not calling or texting since I left.”

“I figured you needed space,” Aubrey drunkenly mumbled. “It hurt me though. I’m not going to pretend like it didn’t. Saying goodbye is already hard enough. When you get emotional and start laying into me like that, it makes it a million times worse. And then not hearing from you for days makes me worry. I didn’t know if you had moved on or if you just needed space or if you completely hated me.”

“I could never hate you, Aubrey,” he reminded her. “Never.”

“I know I’m drunk, but can I be honest with you?” She asked. “Like fully, completely, vulnerably honest.”

“I would actually really appreciate that,” he confirmed.

“I’m scared, Brian,” she admitted. “I want everything with you. But I am so scared that if I don’t get myself together, work on a career, and be stable on my own, that I’ll never be able to properly commit to you. I’ll always feel like I’m just tagging along on tour and living off of your money and your lifestyle.”

Brian stayed silent, allowing her to continue without interruption.

“And I know that eventually, it’ll make me question if you really love me or if you feel obligated to support me. It’ll make me feel like I could never be independent, and as much as I love you, I can’t depend on you for everything. I’m just not prepared for everything with you yet,” she was spilling her heart out to him, but her slurred words reminded him that she was drunk and rambling.

“Aubrey...” Brian trailed off.

“I know it’s not fair to you and I’m sorry. But I want to be a better person. For me. For you. For us. I want everything with you. But I can’t have it right now. And it sucks but I’m trying so hard to do the right thing because I know it’ll be worth it in the end. No matter how far away the end is.”

Brian swallowed hard as the slightest tears lined his eyes. He exhaled the breath that he didn’t even realize he had been holding in.

“You have no idea how much I needed to hear you say that,” he replied quietly.

“I’m sorry that drunk Aubrey is the only one who can openly tell you those things, but sober Aubrey is working on it,” she said.

“This isn’t always going to be fun, is it?” He asked, finally blinking the tears away.

“Not always,” she said. “But it doesn’t have to be awful either.”

He nodded, even though she couldn’t see him. He knew that sometimes, when the distance got really hard, he’d need some space. But he also understood her a lot more after she admitted everything to him. Hopefully those words would help him through the days when he needed space.

“I gotta go, baby,” he said softly into the phone. He was having a hard time processing everything that had just happened.

“Okay,” she muttered. “I love you.”

“Love you,” he replied.

Once he hung up, he let out a long sigh, running his fingers through his hair. Minutes earlier, he couldn’t stand to even talk to Aubrey. And now? He was itching to see her again.

“Hey Jim!” Brian called.

Seconds later, Jimmy opened the door to the lounge and poked his head in. “Yeah?”

“You still want to road trip it to Aubrey in a couple weeks?”

A huge smile spread across Jimmy’s face. “Fuck yeah.”

“Let’s do it.”

“Fuck yeah!”

Notes

Yikes, so sorry for another lengthly delay in chapters! Life, as always, got busy and writing took a backseat to everything else. BUT! I saw Avenged Sevenfold last week and the motivation to write just exploded. I hadn't seen them live in TEN YEARS but they were just as amazing as they were back then. And I couldn't stop DROOLING over Brian the whole night, so I knew I had to find some time to write. I have a huge assignment due tonight that I haven't even STARTED yet because I had to write this chapter out. So please don't hate me for the delay - I hope you guys enjoy! (If anyone is still around to read) xoxoxo &*