Bekah

The doctors told me I was lucky to be alive. They told me I shouldn’t have survived longer than a few minutes. They said I was lucky Zack arrived at the hospital with me when he did. But I couldn’t remember anything that happened and I didn't know if that make me feel lucky or not.

I think healing was one of the hardest parts if not the hardest part of moving on. I was healing physically and emotionally. Zack was healing too. I knew if we didn't have each other we wouldn't have survived what happened to us. Zack was and still is the main reason why I kept going. He was my heart and my soul when times got rough. He was who I leaned on the most.
Zack had our house sold, our belongings packed and moved into the new house before I was even released from the hospital. We got lucky and the house next door to Matt’s was up for sale so Zack jumped on it and made an offer they couldn’t resist. I hated leaving our house but I knew Zack and I wouldn’t be able to live there after the shooting. I was happy we were so close to Matt, Val and the baby too.

Valary had the baby while I was still in the hospital, which was good because we all needed some happiness. I was bummed because I was confined to a hospital bed when she went into labor. The next day when they granted me permission to get up and start walking to strengthen my abdomen muscles, her room was the first place I went - with Zack wheeling the wheelchair beside me in case I needed it.

Jackson Alexander Sanders weighed eight pounds, eight ounces the very first time I held him. We hung around the room with Valary and Matt for an hour or so before Zack announced I needed my rest and we went back to my room. But it wasn't rest that I needed and Zack knew that. I thank God every day for him, for how well he knows me.

I began to cry as soon as we entered the elevator and Zack tried to comfort me as he coaxed me into the wheelchair. He pushed me all the way back to my room and when we entered he helped me into the bed and then without saying anything, crawled in beside me. He pulled me into his chest and stroked my hair as I cried.

"It's okay, baby," he cooed softly.

"It's just not fair," I cried.

I was happy for Matt and Valary. I loved both of them dearly and they deserved this. They deserved happiness, they really did, but what about me? And I didn't care if that question made me selfish. I had gone through so much shit in the last couple of years. I thought I was doing better just for Jake to come back and take one more thing from me. Why? Why couldn't he just leave me alone and let me have that one thing? My baby. I wanted my baby.

I know, I know. I didn't even know about him or her for a full day. I know things could have been worse. But I didn't care. I was still hurting. I was on birth control, I wasn't supposed to get pregnant. We weren't trying or even thinking about starting a family - but all of a sudden it was there. And then it was gone before Zack even knew about it.

As the weeks went on I got stronger physically and emotionally but there were still times when the pain was intense, again, both physically and emotionally.

Things slowly got easier and life went on whether I wanted it to or not. The label that the guys are signed to kept pressing for a tour since they weren't recording music but the guys weren't ready to go on tour. Matt had the baby and Zack sure as hell didn't want to leave me for months at a time even if Jake was dead and gone. I couldn't blame him. For the first several months after Jake’s death and the shooting I didn't want to be alone either. The guys knew they needed to write music and tour though and Zack knew despite what happened, he was eventually going to have to leave me.

So, after a six month break the guys began to finish the album they began before Jimmy died and a few months after that it was released. A year after the shooting the guys were basically forced to go on tour.

"It's in your contract," one of the label guys said.

Zack begged me to go with him. There's times when I wonder if things will ever go back to normal between us but then I realized Zack and I never had normal.

In high school, we had strong feelings for each other, he took my virginity and we kept it a secret for all these years. Then, after graduation we remained friends only to find out that Gena and Matt always thought we had a thing for each other. After Zack broke up with Gena because he realized he loved me and wanted to be with me, everything with Jake started to happen like that time he tried to strangle me. We got pregnant against most odds and then I lost the baby a couple of hours after finding out because I was almost killed in our living room by Jake who then took his life in our living room. So, it was really safe to say Zack and I never had a normal life together. But I hoped we would now that Jake was dead. At the time, I just didn't know if Zack was ever going to stop being so protective or stop worrying about me, and I didn't know if I wanted him to, exactly.

The tour seemed to do that for us - to help do that for us, anyway.

He left for tour and I stayed back with Valary and baby Jackson. The guys being on tour felt normal to me, what didn't feel normal was how much I missed Zack while he was on tour. In the old days when Zack and the guys would go on tour I either went with them or I stayed home and missed them. But missing them, missing Zack this time around was different. Before, it was like missing a childhood friend during a break from school. You knew you were going to see them again, you just had to wait. But now...after everything that I've been through, I'm not naive enough to think something won't happen. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm guaranteed to see them again.

I just wanted normal. I thought I could have it. I thought eventually Zack and I could have normal. And maybe we could have until...

Breaking News: One dead, others injured in wreck involving Avenged Sevenfold tour bus.

Notes

Thank you so much for all the love on the first chapter! You guys are awesome! Keep it up! I really, really, really hope that no one is disappointed in this story. I really have no idea where it's going to go, so I hope you guys like it regardless.

Title credit: Three Days Grace "Fallen Angel"