Spencer

The next couple of weeks passed by quickly. I loved going on tour with the guys because the atmosphere was so great. The fans were amazing and so nice everywhere we went. It was still so surreal to me that the guys had fans. Not because they didn't deserve it - they did; they were amazing musicians. It was surreal to me because they used to be such punk ass kids with no cares or worries in the world. They never expected to be as big as they are now - they just wanted to do what they loved with the people they loved. They never expected to have such an insane fan base.

It was still surreal to the guys too; I noticed it before every show. Every time there was a sold out show they were simply shocked. They were the most appreciative group of guys I ever met and ever would meet. They were also the most deserving. Jimmy, Johnny, Matt, Brian and Zack were all very hard workers. They worked hard individually and even harder together as a band. They were also very private with their lives, but somehow always found ways to include their fans in the things going on in their life. They were constantly coming up with ways to make the live shows more and more exciting. They even personally signed checks so their fans could enjoy free live performances every now and then.

They were really amazing guys, and I was happy for them. I loved them.

We were in Tennessee for the next few days and I was happy when the tour manager announced we would be getting a hotel for two nights. Michelle, Lacey and Leanna would be joining us for the next couple of weeks on tour. This probably had something to do with us getting a hotel. The guys enjoyed their alone time with their wives after weeks apart for obvious reasons.

I was also grateful because some alone time with Zack was muchly needed. Things between us seemed to be getting better and I was thrilled. I really did love him and I wanted - needed - things to work out between us. He was trying, but he was still extra friendly with the groupies every now and then. I tried not to let it get under my skin and I've mostly been successful, but it was hard.

"It was just a part of the gig, all the guys did it." I would tell myself, "It's no big deal."

Aside from kissing from time to time Zack hasn't been physical with me still. It was hard because my body craves his at even the slightest of touches. I know he had to be horny too. Zack and I never went more than a few days without sex and here it had been ten weeks.
I didn't pressure him into it though. I know it must have been hard to walk in on me in bed with another guy. I tried not to worry about it too much - actually that was a lie. I was constantly scared something more than flirting would happen between him and a groupie, that's why it bothered me that he flirted with them, no matter how much I denied it.

---

Matt, Zack and I went to dinner while Jimmy, Johnny and Brian met their wives at the airport. Zack seemed happier than usual and that made me hopeful. He even gave me a spontaneous kiss at one point throughout the meal. Matt avoided my gaze while Zack was being sweet to me. I wasn't sure why but I suspected it to be because of our conversation we had in the bus the day we went to iHop.

I felt bad for Matt nowadays. He always seemed to be left out of things since he was now the only single one in the group. Not that anyone tried to single him out or anything, it just felt like he would be lonely around all of us couples.

Matt never gave us a real reason why Vanessa left. All we know is after five years of marriage and a miscarriage, she left while he was out of town doing something for the band. None of us have heard from her sense and Matt refuses to talk about it.

It's been a year, and a part of me thinks he has moved on but another part of me worries he never will. Matt loved Vanessa, I just wish I knew what happened between them. It must have been really bad since he never told anyone about it - especially his best friends.

After dinner we all went back to the hotel. I was tempted to ask Matt if he wanted to hang out with Zack and me but selfishness wrapped itself around me and I decided against it. I needed some alone time with Zack and who knows when we would get it next. I felt better about my decision when Matt said he was going to go have a few drinks down at the hotel bar. At least now I knew he wasn't going to be spending time alone in his hotel took the entire time.

"I'm going to take a shower," I told Zack when we entered our room.

"Okay, darlin'," he smiled as he kicked off his shoes and laid on the bed. I walked into the bathroom and lightly pushed the door so there was a crack in the opening before stripping down and turning the shower on.

I was hoping Zack would make the decision to join me but he never did. I stayed in the shower long enough for my fingers to turn pruney. When I got out, I ignored the bath robe hanging on the door and wrapped a towel around my chest.

I walked out of the bathroom and into the room where Zack lay. I tried to ignore him as I walked over to my bag I brought up from the bus and opened it. I felt Zack's eyes on me as I slowly dug in my bag for some clothes to wear. My plan was to nonchalantly seduce him, and I think it was working.

"What are you watching?" I asked him as I dropped the towel. He quickly looked away from me like a shy school boy.

"I...uh...some music video," he faltered. A small smile appeared on my lips as I slowly began to dress.

"Are you going to shower tonight?" I asked him.

"Nah, I'm just going to take one in the morning." He told me.

When I was dressed in a cut off tank and some panties I crawled into bed with him. He was still lying fully dressed, with his hands behind his head.

I reluctantly sat beside him, knowing at any second the switch could flip again and he could want nothing to do with me again.

"Come here," he said and my heart leaped. I laid beside him and he wrapped his arm around me. He kissed me on my forehead and then on my lips.

"It's nice having a real bed for a night," I told him.

He nodded. "I know."

"And some privacy to do whatever we wanted..." I trailed off. I wanted to hint at sex but I didn't want to be obvious about it. Zack, however, knew me too well.

He sighed. "Spencer, please don't start. You know I want to. I just can't."

"Why not?" I asked.

Zack sat up and I did too. "You know why."

"I didn't sleep with him, Zack. You know that." I replied looking down at my fingers.

"No, but you would have if I didn't interrupt. Every time I try to have sex with you, that image pops into my head."

"So, we’re never going to have sex again?" I asked him. I knew it was a childish thing to ask but I didn't care.

"No, not until I can get passed the imagery of seeing you in bed with some guy you don't even fucking know."

"Zack..." I started but he cut me off.

"No, Spence. This isn't an argument I'm having with you. I seriously can't anymore, okay? Sleeping with you right now wouldn't be fair to me. So be mad if you want but you know damn well if it was the other way around and you kept seeing images of me in bed with someone you wouldn't be able to fuck me either."

By this point Zack had already gotten off the bed and began to pace the room. He was right. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep with him if the roles were reversed.

"You're right," I told him.

He pulled the sheets back on the bed. "We should just go to sleep."

"Zack..." I started again.

"Please, Spence. Can we just not do this right now?"

I sighed and reluctantly nodded in agreement. I shuffled the blankets around my legs and laid down. Zack laid beside me but didn't move to touch me. I reached up and turned off the bedside lamp on my side as Zack turned off his. I hoped he would wrap his arm around me after the lights went out but he didn't.

I laid there. Tears stung my eyes but I didn't let them fall. Times like this made me think things would never go back to normal between Zack and me. But we couldn't break up, we just couldn't. I didn't want to, for one and for two, things definitely would never be the same between us. I don't think Zack and I could ever go back to being just friends. I would completely lose him and then I would lose Johnny, Matt, Brian and Jimmy.

I couldn't take the thoughts anymore. I had to get out of here. I slowly crawled out of bed and began to search my bag for some shorts and flip flops.

"Where are you going?" Zack asked me.

I jumped, thinking he was sleeping. "I just need to get some air," I told him. "Go back to sleep."

"Babe," he called as I made my way out of the bedroom.

I turned to him. "Yeah?"

"I love you. You know that, right?" His voice was soft. I wondered if he was as broken up as me right now.

"I know. I love you too," I reassured.

"And I'm trying. I really am." He genuinely sounded sorry.

"I know. Go back to sleep," I told him before exiting the room.

Notes

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Title credit: Halsey "Colours"