Evelyn

I didn’t have to check the bed beside me this time to know Zack kept his promise. I could feel the extra weight beside me and smell his cologne that still lingered on his skin. His arm was draped around my waist and the warmth of his breath tickled the back of my neck. I laced my fingers with his and closed my eyes, trying to remember all of the derails from last night. We had sex again and my God, it was so fucking amazing. I didn’t plan for it to happen. Hell, I even pushed him away from me a couple of times before I gave in. He was so fucking hard to reject especially once I realized he was all I wanted.

Not only did my body crave him but my heart craved him as well. I’ve tried to deny it my entire adult life, but there was no denying it anymore, not now that Zack was back in my life. He did things that made me think that he still had feelings for me too and hell, maybe he did. I mean, apart from the deal between Matt and I, mine and Zack’s relationship was pretty great. Back then, I cared too much about what others thought and now I don’t let it get to me as bad. We were in a better place now – I was in a better place now. Who knows, maybe now things would work out. Maybe we could try again and this time, things would work out. I would like that. I would really, really like that.

I feel Zack shift behind me and so I turn to him. Fuck, I forgot how cute his sleepy face was. “Good morning,” I smile. Now, I wish I would have gotten up before he woke and brushed my teeth.

“Morning,” he mumbled before kissing me. I twist my body more towards him and the kiss deepens. My heart flutters when Zack’s hand finds my hipbone and squeezes it.

My body began to crave him again. I slowly slid my hand under the blankets and towards Zack. My fingers find his dick and I slowly wrap them around it. Zack moans quietly against my lips as I begin to slowly stroke him. The hand on my hips slides up my body and slightly squeezes my breast. A sigh escapes my lips as Zack starts massaging my nipple and he slowly presses his body against mine.

Zack crawls on top of me. “You’re a naughty girl,” he grins. “Always starting shit like this.”
“I do not,” I laugh. “You started it last night and the time before that…”

“We were drunk so who knows, really?” He winks.

“I do! It was y-oh!” Zack thrust into me entirely, making me cut myself off. He chuckles as I grip the bed sheets beneath me.

Zack buries his face in my neck as he pulls out of me and slowly sides back in. “Fuck,” he whispers. Zack’s thrusts start off slow, and then quickens his pace. Fuck, this felt so right. Not because Zack was phenomenal in bed – and he really fucking was – but because the phenomenal sex was with Zack. It felt right because of who it was with.

---

After the second round, realization and the real world hit me for the first time since last night. I had a boyfriend; I had a boyfriend and I cheated on him. I should feel guilty, but I don’t. I should be jumping out of bed and kicking Zack out, swearing to never see him again but I’m not. I don’t want Zack to leave, I don’t want to not see him again. I want him to stay here in New York, here with me, here in bed. How am I supposed to feel guilty when what I did feels so right? Not the cheating part, obviously but every other part.

“What’s on your mind?” Zack asked from beside me. He has a cigarette between his lips.
“Just thinking about things,” I answer. It’s not a lie.

Zack puts out his cigarette and rolls onto his side, propping his head up with his arm. “Obviously,” he smiles. “but what type of things?”

I smile back. “You don’t want to know.” And he didn’t. What type of guy wanted to listen to his ex-girlfriend complain because she cheated on her boyfriend but doesn’t really care because she really just wants to be with the person she cheated on him with?

“So tell me anyways.” It was moments like these that made me think Zack cared for me. He cared about what I was thinking, maybe he cared about what I was feeling.

“I was just thinking…” I began. I stifled a groan. Did I really want to say anything? “I was just thinking about how things would have been if our relationship never ended. If we dated on correct terms and not because of something dumb…” I look away from Zack as I speak and regret the words when he doesn’t reply immediately.

“I should get going,” Zack says after a moment. He’s out of the bed and has his boxers on before I could protest.

I protest anyway. “Wait, Zack…don’t you think we should talk about it?”

“What?” Zack asks. “Talk about what could have been? No thanks.”

“No,” I say, pulling my shirt over my head. “I just mean I think we should clear the air, hash it out. You know, talk about what happened.

Zack shakes his head. “No, it’s fine. I’m fine with acting like it never happened.”

“But it did happen,” I tell him. “Can we please talk about it?”

Zack stares at me for a long time. I wonder what’s running though his mind. He looks pained for a moment. I knew the subject wouldn’t be an easy one for him, it wouldn’t be an easy one for me either but I still think it’s something that needs to be discussed. Finally, after what felt like forever, Zack heaved a great sigh.

“Fine, but I need a shower and coffee first.” He tells me.

I nodded. “Okay, I’ll get some coffee brewed while you shower.” I give him a smile but he doesn’t return it as he walks into the bathroom. The door shuts and then locks before I get out of bed.

I venture down stairs and as I begin the coffee I feel nervous and I’m unsure why. Actually, that’s not entirely true. Talking about our past, my fuck up, was nerve racking but we had to do it. We had to talk about the past, right? We needed to move through that before we could move forward, right? Right.

Zack entered the kitchen. He was fully dressed, he even had his shoes on. I had no doubt in my mind that he was ready to run if this conversation went in a direction he didn’t like. I didn’t blame him. I pour each of us a mug of coffee and sit them on the dining room table. Zack sits down and I sit the creamer and sugar between us before taking my seat as well. We didn’t speak while he fixed his coffee the way he liked it. I allowed mine to sit there untouched, allowed it to get cold.

Zack brought his cup to his lips. “Okay, start.”

I opened my mouth to speak, to start but nothing came out, so I closed it. I didn’t know how to begin, fuck, I should have thought about this.

“Evelyn…” Zack’s voice was soft. He was waiting, but I could tell he didn’t really want to have this conversation.

“I don’t know,” I begin. “I just…I don’t know.”

Zack raises his eyebrows at me. “Okay, but you said…”

“I know, I know…” I sighed. “I want to talk about it but I don’t want you to think I’m making excuses or…”

“Just say what’s on your mind,” Zack smiled. It was small but it was there.
Fuck, he’s so cute.

“Okay,” I said. “I just…I don’t know. I just really need you to know that I really did love you. Like…okay, Matt and the deal brought us together and for a little while that’s why I stuck around but…it didn’t take long for me to fall for you. And when I did I fell hard. I loved you so much. I was just young and stupid. I cared what others thought way too much. I’m sorry.”

Zack didn’t reply right away and then finally said, “I guess I just don’t understand why you would agree to a deal like that. I mean, you didn’t even know me, you just knew I had a crush on you. You went in not giving a fuck if you hurt me or not.”

“I know it seems that way, Zack but I swear I never wanted to hurt you. I just kind of ignored it, I guess. Matt didn’t want you to get hurt either. He somehow knew I would fall for you. He was right, I guess no one actually thought about what would happened if you found out about the deal. And…I really, really didn’t want you to find out that way, Zack.”

Zack shook his head. “I don’t know, Evelyn. You were so fucking ashamed of me and for no reason. I was so fucking good to you.”

“I know,” I said looking down at my black coffee. “That was more of a problem I had with myself, not you. If I could go back and do it all again, I would. You deserved better.” Zack nodded in agreement but didn’t say anything. I nibbled at my lip. “I really did love you. I mean, you were my first, Zack, with everything. You were my first real love. I didn’t know what love really was until I loved you. You were the first and only man that really loved me, you were the first person I had sex with.” Zack was still silent. “I know I fucked up and I know it’s been twelve years and I should just move one. I should have already been moved on, I’ve tried. Fuck, I’ve tried so hard but I just can’t! I’ve tried to push it to the back of my mind, to forget it, but I can’t. What you and I had was real. It was real for me...”

“Wait. What are you saying? Why does it matter?” Zack spoke up.

I sighed. I didn’t want to say it but it was begging to come out. I needed to say it, to get it off my chest. I needed it out there. “I just mean, despite the bad in our relationship it was real for me. Very real. I love you, Zack. I always have and I always will.”

“Wait,” Zack stood from his chair. “I don’t want to hear this.”

“Zack…” I started. He sounded angry, panicked.

“No, Evelyn. This – I – I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I just want to be friends. I don’t want to hear that you are still in love with me. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?”

I shake my head. “Nothing I just…”

Zack begins to pace the kitchen. “I just want to be friends, Evelyn. I don’t think you understand how bad you fucked me up by doing what you did. It took me forever to open up to someone else again and then she fucked me over too. I don’t want a relationship. I don’t think I ever will.”

“I wasn’t saying that I wanted to be with you,” I tell him even though that’s exactly what I wanted. Maybe not right here, right now but I wanted to work towards it.

“Evelyn, I…” Zack started but my phone rang, interrupting him.

I glanced down at it for a moment. It was my mother; I silenced her phone call and waited for Zack to continue.

“I just want to…be friends and have fun. I just want to hang out with you and have sex with you. I’m not looking for anything more than that. I thought you knew that. I didn’t think you would ever think me and you would...” Zack stopped himself. “I just want to be friends with benefits.”

Well, he was honest, I’d give him that. My phone rings again, I ignore it. “So, you never think you’ll care for me in more than just a friends or fuck-buddy type of way?” I hate that I found myself asking such an immature question but I needed to know. In the last twelve hours I’ve come to realize how much I still loved Zack and in this moment the feeling was overwhelming.

“No,” Zack replied. He refused to look at me and I felt a near-excruciating pain in my chest. The pain was familiar. I felt this pain before the day Zack and I broke up and he told me he never wanted to see me again. My phone rings again and out of frustration, sadness and embarrassment I get the urge to throw it against the wall and disappear from the world. Maybe I would have if I had the strength to move.

“Okay,” I whisper. It was supposed to come out stronger but it doesn’t.

“I still want to have this though; I still want to be friends. I still want to have fun,” Zack says. “I mean, the sex is great I don’t want it to…”

I interrupt him. “Is sex all you care about? Seriously?” I roll my eyes. He’s such a fucking typical guy but I know my anger is just to help hide my embarrassment.

“Of course not, Evelyn.” Zack replied. “I just said I wanted to be friends. I just meant I’d still like to have fun too. I like having fun with you.”

“Well, I don’t think I can do that with you anymore.” I snap.

Zack nods. “You’re right. It’s probably for the best.”

I open my mouth to reply but my phone rings again. Without a word to Zack I answer it. “Mom, hi.”

“Evelyn, I’ve called you a dozen times.” My mother’s voice replies. I can tell by her tone she’s upset and has been crying.

“What’s wrong?” I ask immediately.

I can hear her begin to sob on the other side of the phone and I get a nasty feeling in my gut. “It’s your father,” she tells me. The nasty feeling intensifies at her words. “He had a heart attack, baby. He’s…he’s gone.”

Notes

Poor Evelyn, first the love of her life tells her he will never love her again and then shes told her dead is dead! Thank you so much for reading! Feedback is always appreciated!

Thanks to Kimmie, MeRi, foREVer-A7X, kaylakakes and imagine fiction for commenting on the last chapter!

Title credit: Avenged Sevenfold "Crimson Day"