The Way Your Heart Sounds

Lauren got home after about fifteen minutes of walking, and immediately went to lay in bed. She was still crying, mad at herself for getting her hopes up about Jimmy. Her phone rang and she ignored it. It rang again a few minutes later, but she didn’t know the number, so she ignored it again. Then a text from the same number came through.

'Hey Lauren, it’s Matt. Got your number from Jimmy. Can you call me? I understand if you don’t want to but I’d like to talk to you.'

Lauren sighed. She really didn’t feel like talking to Matt at all. But maybe he had something important to tell her. She decided to give him a chance to speak and called him.

“Hey! I didn’t think you’d call, to be honest,” Matt said.

“I didn’t want to,” Lauren said quietly.

“Val told me what happened. We kind of thought that you knew what was going on with him when you treated him at the hospital. I’m really sorry you had to find out like this.”

“I knew he had a drinking problem. We talked about that. He never told me about anything else,” Lauren responded.

“Jimmy is very stubborn, as I’m sure you’re already aware of. I have honestly tried to get him some help on several occasions and he flat out refuses it.” Matt sighed.

“Well either he gets help, or I’m done. I have feelings for him Matt, I really do. But I don’t think I can sit and watch him do this to himself. I don’t know who that person was before, but that wasn’t the Jimmy I know.”

“Understandable. Do you want to talk to him?”

“Not now. When he’s on the same planet as us, tell him to call me,” Lauren mumbled.

“Sure thing. I’m sorry.”

After hanging up with Matt, Lauren stayed in bed. She didn’t feel like doing anything else today. Seeing Jimmy like that gave her flashbacks to bad memories that she wanted to drown out. She decided to turn on some loud music, and eventually dozed off.

The next morning, she had to be up early to go to work. She packed her scrubs and her equipment, and made her way out to the car. As she threw her bag into the trunk, a familiar car pulled up. Jimmy quickly got out and made his way over to her. She ignored him, and got in her car. This wasn’t exactly how she wanted to start her morning.

“Lauren, I know you probably hate me now. But can we talk?” he asked, looking at her through the driver's side window. He had a sad pout on his face.

“I don’t hate you. I have to go to work. I’ll be home around six,” she mumbled. Jimmy nodded, and was frowning. She pulled out of the driveway and made her way to work, wiping away the fresh tears that escaped her eyes.

Work seemed to crawl by with no end in sight. Twelve hour shifts were long, but today felt almost unbearable. She was sure that the usual sparkle in her eyes was gone, and hoped her patients didn’t take it to heart. There was just too much going on in her mind.

As she was driving home, she dreaded the conversation she had to have with Jimmy. When she saw him this morning, he seemed normal. It almost made her want to fall into his arms and forget the whole thing had happened, but she knew she couldn’t allow herself to do that.
When she pulled up to her house, Jimmy’s car was there again. She pulled up into the driveway, and Jimmy got out of his car.

“How was work?” he asked. He was standing near her awkwardly, as opposed to his normal greeting of a bear hug.

“Too long,” she mumbled, grabbing her bag out of the trunk. Jimmy followed her quietly as she unlocked her door, and threw her bag on the living room table. She sat down on the couch, and Jimmy sat a few feet away from her. She felt so much farther away from him now than she had just a day or two ago. Physically and emotionally.

“Let me start by just saying that I can’t apologize enough for how I was acting yesterday. I don’t remember most of it, but just from what I was told, I was embarrassed,” he said.

“You should be. You really scared me, Jimmy. You never told me about any of this…” she trailed off. She could feel herself starting to tear up again and did her best to maintain her composure.

“I know, and I should have. But I didn’t want to scare you off. I didn’t want you to think I was just some worthless junkie. I never wanted to scare you, but sometimes I just lose control of myself, I guess... I don’t know,” he shook his head, not sure how to continue.

“I wouldn’t think that about you. I want to help you. Let me get you help, please.”

Jimmy was silent. She looked over at him to see him looking at the ground.

“I don’t know if I can continue this relationship with you if your answer is no,” she said softly. As much as her voice was wavering, she knew she had to be stern. She couldn’t sacrifice her own happiness in condoning his habits. Even so, she would be heartbroken if he got up to leave and she never saw him again. Jimmy was still silent.

“I don’t think I can do it,” he finally mumbled, barely audible.

“Yes you can. But you have to try. I need a genuine, honest effort from you.” After another long moment of silence, he nodded.

“I’ll try my best, for you,” he said. She felt a huge wave of relief flow through her. Even though this was just the beginning of the fight, at least there was going to be a fight.

He stood up and held his arms out to her, asking for a hug. She stood up and hugged him very tightly. All of the emotions she had felt in the past twenty four hours came rushing back to her in a wave. She couldn’t keep herself from crying anymore, and weeped into his shirt.

“Honey, I’m so sorry to put you through this, I hate to see you cry,” Jimmy murmured, squeezing her tighter.

“I was so scared,” she sniffed. “I never want to see you like that again.”

He rubbed her back gently and assured her that it was going to be okay now, that she would never have to see that again. It was quiet again for a few moments.

“I feel like you’re so nervous when I touch you sometimes. I hate to think I set that back even farther because of what I did,” he said. “Do I make you nervous?” he asked, wanting to understand her better.

“No.. it’s just.. When I was in college, I was sexually assaulted. It’s been really hard for me to trust people… especially men… and when you were so aggressive yesterday it made me think of that all over again,” she continued to cry quietly, and noticed that Jimmy’s eyes were also watering. The way he looked at her showed how deeply he was impacted by her confession.

“Sweetheart…” he choked up, and stopped for a second. “I’m so sorry. I’m such an asshole for making you remember that. I would never hurt you, I promise.” He continued to squeeze her. Both of them were afraid to let go.

After an extended hug, Jimmy told her to sit with him. He continued to hug her from the side, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

“So,” he started, breaking the silence, “where do I begin?”

“I know a doctor who specializes in addiction. I’m going to get you an appointment with him. He knows way more than I do, and he can assess you and decide what the best course of action would be,” she said.

“Sounds good… let me know when you hear back from him,” he responded.

They didn’t speak much for the rest of the night, and just sat there with each other. Jimmy didn’t want to leave her, but he also didn’t want to push her by asking her to stay the night. Even though she seemed to forgive him, he knew it would take time for her to trust him again.

“I don’t want to leave you, but I should probably go… I’m sure you’re exhausted and you want me out of your hair.”

She didn’t realize how long they had been sitting there, but it was almost eight.

“I still have to make dinner and take a shower,” she mumbled, running a hand through her messy hair.

“Let me make you dinner. Go take a shower,” he said.

“You sure?”

“It’s the least I can do.”

Lauren nodded and kissed him on the cheek before heading down the hall. She grabbed a towel from the closet, and a change of clothes from her dresser before getting into the shower. At least she didn’t have to worry about making dinner. The hot water was extremely relaxing. The day had been so long and emotionally exhausting, but at least she made peace with Jimmy. Tomorrow she would stop by and see if the doctor she told him about could fit him in for an appointment soon.

Trying not to get too lost in thought, she left the warm comfort of the shower and got dressed. As she was walking down the stairs, towel drying her hair, she could smell peppers. Jimmy smiled at her as she walked into the kitchen.

“I hope you like quesadillas,” he said. She saw that he had chopped up some vegetables to throw in with it.

“I was going to put chicken in it, but then I realized that you have no meat in your fridge,” he laughed.

“Never liked meat,” she shrugged.

“Good to know, in case I ever cook you dinner at my house. I would need to buy some actual vegetables.” Jimmy started to plate the quesadillas and brought them to the table. He then kissed her forehead.

“Bon appetit.”

Notes

Hope you all enjoyed! ♥