The Way Your Heart Sounds

Lauren didn't remember much of the night after that. She woke up in a haze after a brief sleep to see Jimmy looking at her. He was curled up next to her, but his deep blue eyes were focused on her face.

“What are you doing awake?” Lauren murmured.

“I love you.”

Lauren smiled and returned the I love you. She gently kissed him on the lips, cupping his cheeks with her hands. It wasn't uncommon of him to randomly proclaim his love to her, but she thought it was odd he was still awake. Especially considering he was tired. When she went to pull her hands away, he wrapped his hands around her wrists and kept her hands where they were.

“Are you okay?” She asked. He nodded and let go of her hands, then buried his face into her shoulder. Lauren eventually dozed off again.

She had no idea what time it was when she woke up again. It was still dark. Immediately she
noticed that Jimmy was gone from the bed. Yawning, she slowly got out of bed to see where he was. First she checked the hallway, then peeped into the bathroom and Jimmy’s studio. Nothing. After that, she made her way out into the living room. She saw his tattooed arm resting on the arm of the chair.

“What's the matter, couldn't sleep?”

No answer. Maybe he had fallen asleep out here. She walked over to the chair and noticed that he was slumped over to the right side. Anxiety flooded through her as her nursing instincts kicked in. He was extremely pale, and his body position didn’t look like a position someone would fall asleep in.

“Jimmy, sweetie, wake up,” she said loudly, shaking his shoulders. No response. She grabbed his hand and squeezed. It was cold. His chest was not moving. He had no pulse.

She had to act quickly.

Using all her strength, she dragged his body out of the chair and laid him flat on the floor. She somehow managed to keep herself from having a complete meltdown as she called 911, put her phone on speaker, and threw it next to her. She ripped Jimmy’s shirt off and started CPR when she heard the operator ask what the emergency was.

“My fiancé is not breathing. No pulse. I found him when I woke up in the middle of the night, I don't know how long he's been there,” she explained, her voice trembling with tears, panic, and breathlessness as she performed chest compressions.

The operator asked if she knew CPR, and she replied that she was already doing it. The operator stayed on the phone after she said the paramedics were on the way. Lauren didn't speak, and just continued the cycle of chest compressions and breathing that she had performed dozens of times in her life. Except now it was on her fiancé.

After about ten minutes of doing CPR, Lauren was ready to pass out. If it weren't for the adrenaline running through her veins, she probably would have already. Finally, a knock on the door. She screamed for them to come in, and several paramedics immediately flooded into the house, running towards Jimmy. One of them took over CPR, and Lauren collapsed to the side of Jimmy, hardly able to breathe. As a few paramedics worked on Jimmy, one of them came to make sure Lauren was okay. Her memory was blurring as he asked her to tell him what happened.

Before she knew what happened, they had the defibrillator out. The first shock was delivered. Lauren was unable to look, and continued to sob where she was sitting on the floor. She heard them say “clear” a few times, but still couldn't bring herself to look.

“We got a pulse, lets go,” one of them called. Lauren felt a wave of relief. Maybe there was a chance that he would make it through this. She was in a daze as someone guided her into the ambulance.

“Do you want us to take him to your hospital? It's closest,” the driver asked. Lauren didn't remember telling them where she worked or that she was a nurse, but she simply nodded.
It felt like a million years until they got to the hospital, even though it was probably only a few minutes. Jimmy was quickly wheeled out of the ambulance and brought inside to a room, where several staff members flooded in to assess him. She had been through this as an employee countless times, but never as the family member.

One of the paramedics guided her to a chair outside of the room Jimmy was in. She reluctantly sat down. She recognized several of the nurses here tonight, from when she worked the night shift fresh out of school. They seemed to figure out what was going on pretty quickly.

She lost count of how many people came over to her while she was sitting there. Her mind was too preoccupied to hold a conversation with any of them. As she was sitting there, she realized she had to tell someone what happened. But who would she call first? Brian? Dr. Kramer? Jimmy’s parents?

Slowly and robotically, she pulled her phone out and dialed the number she'd come to learn by heart.

“Lauren? It's like 4am, is everything okay?” Brian’s voice came through the speakers, groggy with sleep.

“No, you need to come to the hospital,” she said simply.

“I'll be right there.” He hung up.

When she saw the attending physician for the night walk over to her, she felt like she was going to throw up. She couldn't read the look on his face. The doctor sat down next to her.

“Are you Mr. Sullivan’s fiancé?” He asked quietly. She nodded.

“It seems that his heart suddenly stopped. We’re not sure if he had an arrhythmia that caused sudden cardiac arrest…” the doctor started. “While the EMTs were able to get a pulse, it stopped again shortly after he arrived to the hospital. We did everything we could, but we couldn't get him back again. He's gone. I'm so sorry.”

Lauren wasn't able to respond with words, only continuous tears streaming down her face. The doctor held her hand for a minute and then told her she could say goodbye when she was ready.

Out of the corner of her eye she spotted Dr.Kramer. He was out of breath as he jogged over to Lauren.

“They just paged me. What happened?” He spit out quickly. He knew what happened as soon as Lauren made eye contact with him. She could see the heartbreak in his face.

“Lauren, oh my god,” he mumbled, kneeling down to hold her hands. She started to sob and the doctor pulled her into his arms and let her cry into his coat. Then she heard Brian’s voice echo from down the hallway.

“Is he okay?” Brian panted. Neither Lauren or Dr.Kramer could speak.

“Please, tell me he's okay.”

Silence.

“Please,” Brian whimpered. Tears started to spill down his face as he realized what happened. Lauren stood up and hugged him. Neither of them let go for a very long time. The smell of cigarettes and cologne filled her nostrils as she rested her head on Brian’s shoulder.
Eventually they were able to let go of each other. Lauren asked Brian and Dr. Kramer if they would come inside with her. They both agreed.

-x-

Jimmy’s body was laying on the stretcher, and although he was still shirtless, someone placed a sheet over his torso. The usual mess of random medical supplies from the code had been cleaned up, and the lights dimmed.

“He looks like he's just sleeping,” Brian murmured, unable to comprehend that his best friend was gone.

The three of them stood together, seemingly unsure of what to do. Brian was holding Lauren’s hand, while Dr. Kramer had a hand on her shoulder.

“Do you want to be alone with him?” Dr, Kramer asked, breaking the few moments of depressing silence.

“Yes, but you both can say goodbye first,” she answered quietly.

Dr. Kramer stepped away from the two of them and went over to Jimmy. He kneeled down and placed his hands on Jimmy’s arm.

“You were one of my favorite patients I've ever worked with… so happy, so loving, even with everything you went through. I'm sorry that it ended this way, you deserved another chance more than anyone,” the doctor said. He sniffed a bit and wiped his eyes before he returned to Brian and Lauren.

Brian made his way to Jimmy and grabbed his hand.

“I can't believe this,” he started, tears flowing once again.

“You were my best friend. We grew up together. We followed our dreams and played in a successful band together… hell, I hardly have any memories without you in them. I know you went through some rough shit but you were finally happy. Then this happens… I don't even know what else to say. I love you, Jimmy.” Brian squeezed Jimmy’s hand one last time before he stepped away.

“We’ll be right outside if you need us,” Dr. Kramer said quietly. Lauren nodded as they slipped out of the room. She slowly walked over to Jimmy’s body. His skin was deathly pale, but he looked peaceful.

She sighed and wiped fresh tears away from her cheeks. She didn't think she would even be able to begin explaining what he meant to her.

“I’ve been thinking about our wedding a lot lately. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around what’s happening right now... I know we didn't know each other for terribly long, but you were my everything, Jimmy… and I knew from that night at the bar that you were such a special person. I was looking forward to marrying you and spending the rest of our lives together… it's all I ever wanted… but I guess our time has been cut short. I'm sorry… maybe if I had gotten you to a cardiologist sooner, or maybe if I had woken up when you got out of bed…” she stopped to wipe her face.

“I know I can't blame myself for this. I don't know what happened. But I feel like you did, Jimmy. I can't help but think you saw this coming… I just… I hope that you were happy in your last few days. I hope you were happy...I love you more than anything, Jimmy. You always called me angel, but now you're going to be my angel.”

With one final peck on the lips, she said goodbye.

“We have to tell his parents.. and the guys…” Brian said quietly, once Lauren stepped out of the room.

“I can’t,” her voice cracked as she spoke, and she took a seat.

“I’ll do it, don't worry,” Brian said. After he left, Dr.Kramer stayed to comfort her. It was mostly just silence between them.

So many people came to Lauren to give their condolences. Nurses, Doctors, Aides, even random people she'd never met. The doctor who broke the news to her returned at some point to ask her more questions and to let her know that people would help her make arrangements. He asked her if Jimmy would have wanted to be cremated. After death wishes weren't something she had considered talking about with her 28-year-old partner, so she didn't have an answer for him. He also informed her that they had to do an autopsy because the death was unexpected. Lauren just nodded, trying not to fully process what he was saying.

Brian finally returned, possibly looking worse than when he had left.

“The guys are coming. His parents are going to meet you at the house.”

Lauren nodded weakly. The rest of the morning was fuzzy. She spoke to so many people. The guys showed up, each one of them heartbroken. Matt offered to drive everyone home, since being at the hospital any longer wasn't doing any good. They led Lauren out of the hospital, surrounding her like body guards. Zacky and Brian each held one of her hands as they left.

As the group pulled up to Lauren and Jimmy’s House, she saw his parents standing in the yard. Her heart fell into her stomach when she saw them. As soon as she got out of the car, she was embraced by both of them at the same time. She had been able to catch her breath during the car ride, but now she was full on sobbing again in his parent’s arms.

“What happened?” His father managed to say. She could hardly listen to his voice. He sounded just like Jimmy.

“I-I woke up in the middle of the night… and he was in the living room slumped over… no pulse… and I did CPR. The paramedics got him back briefly but they lost him again at the hospital,” she said slowly. She had to take deep breaths just to speak. His parents were understandably hysterical. Barbara could hardly let go of Matt, who was about the only one keeping her standing at this point.

The rest of the night was a blur. Lauren was still in so much shock she could hardly speak. The guys kept checking on her, asking her if she needed some food or anything. But every time, she would answer no, and say she just needed to be alone for a while. She laid on Jimmy’s pillow, taking in his scent as much as she could. The pillow quickly became soaked in tears.

She could hardly remember who came in and out of the room, but she did remember Zacky coming in to sit with her for a while. He simply sat in silence and rubbed the back of her hand. Jimmy’s parents eventually went to their home to take care of some things. Barbara said she'd be back first thing tomorrow morning to check on Lauren.

The guys, on the other hand, decided to camp out for the night. Lauren eventually came out into the living room to silently join them. As she entered the room, she could see Jimmy’s body on the floor, a few feet away from where Matt was sitting. She couldn't be in here. As she turned on her heel to leave, she noticed something shiny on the floor- Jimmy’s favorite cross necklace. With trembling hands, she picked it up and put it on her own neck.

-x-

Lauren didn't leave the house for days. The only time she left was for the memorial and funeral service, after which she promptly returned home. The guys were in and out throughout the day checking on her, and they didn't bother knocking anymore. So when Lauren heard someone knock at the door, she was slightly confused.

She slowly made her way to the front door and opened it to reveal Dr. Kramer. He was dressed casually in a t-shirt and slacks as opposed to the usual suit he wore to work.

“I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you. I wanted to check in on you, see if you're alright,” he said. She nodded and opened the door for him to step in.

“Brian told me you haven't been leaving the house,” he said quietly.

“I don't really want to,” she responded flatly.

“Do you think you'd like to attend grief counseling?” He asked. She shook her head.

“It can be with me. I'll come here if I need to.”

She shrugged. She loved Dr.Kramer, but she didn't feel like talking to him, or anyone else, about what she was feeling.

“I'm worried about you. So is everyone else,” he added.

“I know,” she mumbled.

“Are you planning on going back to work?” He asked.

“I don't think I can ever step foot in that hospital again,” she answered. He nodded in understanding.

“I'm sure your manager wouldn't hesitate to try getting you a job somewhere else.. maybe in something like case management…” the doctor said, “if you did want to go back to work.”

“We’ll see. Right now the answer is no.”

“Have you been sleeping?” He asked. She was sure it was apparent that she wasn't sleeping. If she was lucky, she would get three or four hours before being awakened by horrific nightmares.

“No,” she said, honestly.

“Do you need something to help you sleep?”

“I need the nightmares to stop.”

He frowned and looked over at her.

“What are they about?”

“Losing him all over again. Losing everyone else in my life. Being completely alone,” she started. Fresh tears escaped her eyes, and Dr. Kramer offered her a tissue from his pocket.

They chatted for a while longer before the doctor said he would let her have some alone time. Once he was gone, Lauren climbed back into bed. Just that conversation had exhausted her to the point of barely being able to keep her eyes open.

A few hours later, she woke up in a panic. She started to hyperventilate and scream for Jimmy, when she felt two hands on her shoulders. She looked up and met the gaze of a pair of green eyes.

“You're okay, I'm here,” he said softly. Panic was still flooding through her body. But the scent of his cologne was grounding her. She focused on the pleasant smell and took a few slow, deep breaths.

“That's it, you're safe,” Zacky comforted her. They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Are you okay? Can I do anything for you?” He asked. She shook her head, and replied that she was fine.

“How are you holding up?” She asked him. He shrugged.

“I can't sleep. I've been having nightmares too,” he admitted.

“You don’t have to stay here. I’ll be fine. Go get some sleep,” Lauren said, sighing. She looked over at the bedside clock and saw that it was 2:54am. Zacky nodded and sympathetically patted her on the shoulder before he left the bedroom.

After he left, she heard him open the front door and leave the house. Since Zacky hadn’t been sleeping, he was usually the one who came to check on her in the middle of the night. Lauren yawned and rubbed her eyes. She desperately needed to sleep through the night. A few days of sleep deprivation alone had her feeling like garbage, but it had been almost three weeks now.

Once her mind stopped racing, she slowly closed her eyes again and got ready to attempt sleeping. However, she couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching her. She tossed and turned uncomfortably for a bit before she got frustrated and opened her eyes.

In the dark, she thought maybe Zacky had come back since there was a figure sitting in the chair. But she hadn’t heard anyone open the bedroom door, and the figure didn’t have Zacky’s body shape.

“Who’s there? Zee, are you still here?”

Silence.

“Hello?” she called out again.

The figure turned towards her, and stood up from the chair. She knew immediately by the height of the person that it wasn’t Zacky, and she started to panic.

“Who are you? What are you doing in here? I don’t know you,” she spat out quickly, pulling the sheets up closer to her as a method of protection.

“Lauren? Can you hear me?”

Jimmy’s voice. She knew that voice anywhere. Her heart was pounding out of her chest as she started to go over the possibilities in her mind. Maybe this was just a vivid dream.

“I’m dreaming,” she said out loud, before pinching her arm. Nothing changed, and the figure was still standing next to her. She was unable to make out a face.

“Lauren, it’s me. Can you hear me?” his voice repeated.

Tears prickled her eyes at the sound of his voice.

“Jimmy?”

“Yeah, it’s me babe, I’m right here.” She felt a warm hand touch her own, and started to bawl. She wasn’t sure if she was hallucinating his presence or what, but she was so overwhelmed that she couldn’t think of anything else to do but cry.

“Hey, don’t cry. You’re okay,” he said softly, squeezing her hand. The crying didn’t cease at all, if anything it got worse.

“Y-You’re dead,” she choked out.

“I know.”

“Wh- How? What are you doing here?” she struggled to say.

“I have no idea, honey. I wish I knew,” he answered. She wasn’t sure how to answer, so she stayed quiet for a moment, just enjoying the feeling of his hand on hers.

“Why’d you have to go?” her voice cracked, and fresh tears rolled down her cheeks.

“It was my time, love. I’m sorry. I never wanted to leave you alone. But you have a lot of great people taking care of you here, and I’ll always be around,” he explained.

“It wasn’t your time!” she shouted, getting frustrated. She heard a sigh from him, and he removed his hand from hers.

“I don’t know what else to say. I had no choice,” he said softly.

“I can’t believe I’m hallucinating,” she mumbled. She wasn’t even just hearing his voice, but she could see him and feel his touch.

“You’re not. I’m here. Now go to sleep,” he said.

“But I want to see you again,” she argued. She felt his hand disappear and heard footsteps around the room. The bedside lamp was turned on, and she could see him.

He looked exactly as she remembered. Hair messed up, wearing a button up shirt and jeans. He even looked like he had a bit of eyeliner smeared under his eyes. She couldn’t believe that she was seeing him, and that he looked perfectly alive. As much as she tried to speak, no words came out. He smiled at her and sat on the bed, where he took her hand in his again.

“You saw me, happy? Ready to sleep now?” he asked.

“What if this is the only time I see you, what if you go away? I want to see you as much as I can now, then…” she replied, her gaze fixed on his eyes, which were so blue they were almost glowing.

“I’ll be around,” the lights shut off. “Promise. Go to sleep.”

-x-

When Lauren woke up the next morning, she heard the sound of someone opening the front door. She quickly surveyed the room and noticed that there was no trace of Jimmy. The bedroom door opened, and she saw Matt and Zacky step in.

“Hey, did you get any sleep?” Matt asked.

“Yeah, kind of,” Lauren yawned.

“You look more well rested than you have been. You want some coffee to wake you up?” he asked. She nodded and told him that’d be great. He left the room and went to the kitchen to put a pot on.

“Anymore nightmares last night?” Zacky asked.

“No, I don’t think so,” she answered. There was no way she was telling him about Jimmy. She was still convinced that last night was all just a very realistic dream.

“That’s great. You think you want to leave the house today? Maybe come out with Matt and I? We were planning on spending the day at Brian’s,” he took a seat, in the same chair Jimmy was in last night.

“Maybe… Hey, can I tell you something?” she asked him. Nodding, he told her to ask him anything. She was still internally debating on telling him about seeing Jimmy last night, but decided not to. After all, she didn’t want the guys to think that she was truly going crazy or anything.

“You guys are the greatest friends ever. I really appreciate how you’re always over checking on me,” she said softly. Zacky smiled, and his pretty green eyes sparkled in the morning sunshine coming through the window.

“That’s what we’re here for. We’re all going to get through this together.”

Matt made his way back into the bedroom with two cups of coffee, and gave one to Lauren and Zacky. He didn’t make one for himself since he said he had coffee before he left the house this morning.

“How’s Val doing?” Lauren asked, taking a sip of the hot beverage. Matt shrugged.

“She’s hanging in there. I’m sure all this stress isn’t any good for the baby, though,” he mumbled. Lauren knew that Val was also very close to Jimmy from the days when she managed the band on tour.

The three of them chatted for a bit and had their coffee. Matt repeated the offer to take Lauren over to Brian’s house to get out a little bit. After the mini lecture about how she needed to be around some different surroundings, she reluctantly agreed. The guys said they would wait for her in the living room while she got ready. Once they were gone, she stood up and stretched before grabbing some fresh clothes. For the sake of time, she decided to skip the shower and the makeup. She didn’t care how she looked anyway.

As she was walking down the hallway to meet the guys, she couldn’t stop thinking about her encounter with Jimmy last night. Part of her wanted to chalk it up to a sleep deprivation induced hallucination, but the other part of her felt it was too real to be part of her imagination. She wondered if she should talk to someone about it. It was eating her alive to just think about it and not be able to say anything.

Matt’s voice asking her if she was ready to go broke her out of her thoughts, and she nodded in reply to him. She hopped into Matt’s car, along with Zacky, and they made their way to Brian’s house. Once they got there and made their way inside, she saw that Johnny was there, along with a few people she didn’t recognize, an older man and a young girl with long dirty blonde hair.. She assumed they were related to Brian because they looked so much like him.

“You must be Lauren,” the older man said, standing up to greet her with a hug. “I’m Brian’s father, also named Brian. This is his sister, McKenna,” he said, pointing to the young girl. There was a deep frown etched on his face.

“I’m sorry we haven’t properly met until now,” he added.

“You do look familiar, I’m sure we crossed paths at some point,” Lauren replied.

“Are you hanging in there?” he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I guess so,” she mumbled.

“Jimmy told me all about you around the time you two had gotten engaged. I was so excited to meet you. Jimmy was like a son to me, him and Brian have been best friends since high school,” Mr. Haner trailed off, looking down at the floor.

“This whole thing has been rough for everyone,” she said quietly. She desperately wanted to climb back into bed and ignore everyone right about now.

Brian finally made his way into the living room, and greeted Lauren with a hug.

“I’m glad to see you out of the house,” he said. She nodded.

“Thank Matt and Zacky for that,” she remarked, glancing over at the two of them.

The rest of the afternoon was mostly spent sharing and listening to stories about Jimmy. Everyone agreed that remembering his eccentricness would be one of the best ways to heal from this tragedy. It was difficult for Lauren to sit and listen to some of the stories, but she knew she had to. After a few hours, Zacky offered to drive her home, so she said goodbye to everyone.

In the car, it was mostly quiet. She could tell that Zacky wasn’t coping well with this either. He had dark bags under his eyes, and she hadn’t seen him smile since Jimmy died.

“Are you okay?” he asked her out of the blue. It was then she realized she had been crying without even knowing. She quickly wiped her face and replied that she was fine.

“It’s really tough being in that house alone, without him…” she said, staring out the window. Zacky nodded.

“I can imagine. If you ever want me or any of the guys to come over and just sit with you, all you gotta do is text or call and we’ll be there,” he said. Lauren nodded and murmured a thank you as they pulled up to the house.

“I’d stay and keep you company, but I have to go visit my dad. He’s not doing too well,” Zacky said. She frowned and looked over at him. Not only did he have to deal with losing one of his best friends, but now something was going on with his dad too?

“What’s the matter?”

“He has ALS. It’s starting to advance pretty quickly, his doctors told me he probably doesn’t have more than a year left. He needs an around the clock care taker now too,” he said, looking down at the tattoos on his hands. Lauren reached over and put one of her hands over his.

“I’m so sorry to hear that. If you need me to go over there and take care of him anytime, I will,” she said. Zacky smiled weakly at her.

“He has an assistant there all the time now, but I was thinking about getting a visiting nurse as well. If you feel up to it, I’m sure he’d love to have you there.”

“I’d love to. Let me know when and where,” Lauren smiled.

“Thanks, you’re the best. I’m glad you came out with us today. I’ll call you tonight after I see how he’s doing.”

She said goodbye to Zacky and headed into the house. Her heart was aching for him. There was so much going on in his life right now. She just hoped that he was doing okay in spite of everything. She had gotten very close with him since Jimmy’s death. Granted, she was close with all the guys, but especially Zacky. They talked everyday, whether in person or on the phone. Part of her hoped that she would get to take care of his father, because she did miss nursing. She didn’t feel like she’d be okay to go back to what she was doing before, but she had the urge to care for people, and she wanted to repay Zacky for all he’s done for her since Jimmy passed away.

While waiting for Zacky’s eventual phone call, Lauren decided to cook herself dinner and watch Jacob’s Ladder, one of Jimmy’s favorite movies.

-x-

The next morning, Lauren was getting ready to go meet Zacky’s father. They talked on the phone last night, and his father said he would love to have Lauren take care of him. Zacky was on the way to come pick her up. She had just finished getting dressed in scrubs, which she hasn’t worn since before Jimmy died. It felt good to put them on, but also strange.

When she heard a knock at the door, she smiled and grabbed her bag. Zacky grinned when she opened the door. He looked much happier than she had seen him look in weeks. He must have finally gotten a good night’s sleep.

“Ready?” he asked. Lauren nodded, and they headed out.

“How was your father yesterday?” she asked as they were driving. Zacky shrugged.

“He’s alright. He’s naturally kind of depressed. It’s hard to have your mind still sharp and not even be able to walk or take care of yourself. He knows he doesn’t have much longer.”

Lauren frowned, and made a mental note to ask Dr. Kramer if he knew someone that would be appropriate to help out in that kind of situation. When they pulled up to the house, Lauren started to feel butterflies in her stomach for some reason. Why was she so nervous?

“I hope he likes me,” she blurted out as Zacky shut the car off.

“Lauren, I really don’t think he’s going to mind a pretty young lady taking care of him,” he laughed. She smiled at him and then followed him inside the house.

Zacky’s dad was in his wheelchair, sitting in the living room watching TV. He wasn’t able to turn his head much, but he smiled when he heard Zacky’s voice at the door. His assistant was in the kitchen preparing lunch.

“Hey pop, how are you feeling today?” Zacky asked, walking over so he could see him.

“Good. Is that Lauren?” he asked. His speech was extremely slurred, but she could still make out what he was saying.

“That’s her. She’s going to pop in now and then to take care of you and give you your medication,” Zacky explained. Lauren kneeled down so she was at eye level with his father and smiled.

“I’m so glad to meet you,” she said, placing a hand on his knee.

“You too,” he replied. He didn’t seem to have much in the way of facial expressions, but he seemed happy.

“I’m going to go talk to her for a bit and let her know about your medications and stuff, okay? Sandra is in the kitchen getting you something for lunch.” His father hummed a positive response.

Zacky took her into another room and sat down. He pulled out a small folder filled with papers.

“This is pretty much everything you could possibly want to know about his medical history. He’s on four medications right now, which he usually takes around noon. He can’t swallow well, but he does have a speech and language pathologist that comes to work with him on that. You can crush his pills and put them in applesauce. He also can’t stand unless someone is holding him up, but Sandra usually tries to get him up a few times a day just to keep him loose… Let’s see… that’s everything I can think of for now. Do you have any questions?”

“Not right now, I think I’m alright. I’ll let you know if there’s anything, though,” she nodded.

“Good. So, how much do you want to be paid? I know we’re friends and all but I gotta pay you, I sincerely have no idea what nurses make,” he said.

“Seriously, don’t even worry about it. You’ve done so much for me these past few weeks, the least I can do is take care of your father,” she answered.

“Are you positive?” he asked. She nodded.

“Well,” he started. “If you need anything at all, please tell me. Even if you just want me to cook your dinner or paint your nails or something silly like that.” Lauren smiled.

“I’ll take you up on that. You’re Italian, so you’re probably good in the kitchen,” she joked. Zacky laughed and nodded in agreement.

After their conversation, Lauren got to know his father for a bit, and gave him his medications for the day. Zacky hung around, wanting to spend some time with his father as well. Every moment counted, since there weren’t a ton of them left.

“Zachary,” his father says, out of the blue.

“I’m here, what’s up?” he asks, looking over at him.

“She’s pretty.”

“Who, Lauren?” Zacky laughs. His father mumbles an ‘uh huh.’ Lauren smiled and blushed, looking over at Zacky. Zacky smiled back at her and patted his father on the back.

“I know she is. You’re a lucky guy having her look after you, huh?” Zacky said. His father smiled.

Once his father was all taken care of for the day, Zacky drove Lauren home and walked her up to the door. He said he was going to go back and spend a little time with his father afterwards. She smiled and said that was a good idea. Suddenly, Zacky wrapped her in a very tight hug.

“Thank you so much. This means a lot to me,” he murmured into her shoulder. She returned the hug and rubbed his back.

“It’s my pleasure,” she replied.

Zacky left to go back to his father’s house, and Lauren was ready to call it a day. Even though it was early, she really just wanted to take a shower and snuggle up in bed. She wished that Jimmy was here to cuddle with, since he was the best cuddler.

After a quick shower, Lauren climbed into bed and put some relaxing music on. She started to doze off when she heard footsteps in the room, which made her eyes spring back open.

Jimmy was standing at the foot of the bed.

-x-

“You’re…. Still here,” she said quietly, sitting up in bed.

“Aren’t you happy to see me?” he asked, frowning.

“Of course I am… it’s just weird is all. I miss you more than anything, Jimmy.”

He sat down in bed next to her, and she had the urge to hug him, so she did. He felt as real as he ever did, which freaked her out a bit. He sighed and melted into her arms.

“Have you been okay?” he asked.

“I guess,” she mumbled. “I’m okay as I can be at this point… The guys have been so helpful… How long are you going to be here for?”

“I don’t know. I’m here for some reason, but I don’t know what that reason is,” he said.

“Do you think the guys can see you too?”

Jimmy sighed again and looked down. It was oddly quiet in the room after that. He took a while to answer.

“I don’t know. Probably not.”

“They would love to have the chance to see you, to say goodbye…” she trailed off.

“I don’t think I can handle seeing them anyway. Just seeing you is too much... I can’t do this,” he started to cry and Lauren comforted him, rubbing his shoulder. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was feeling at this point, but she was so glad that they were having this opportunity to get some closure.

He eventually calmed down a bit and apologized. Lauren told him not to worry, but he said he didn’t want to be stressing her out.

“Can you see what’s going on outside of this room at all?” she asked.

“No. I can’t leave, and so far I’m only here during the night… Have you been working?”

“No. Well, I quit my job at the hospital.” Jimmy frowned at her response. “But I’ve been taking care of Zacky’s dad, who’s pretty sick.”

“Yeah, I remember him mentioning that. He really didn’t want to talk about it with any of us though,” Jimmy said. “Why did you quit the hospital?”

“I can’t even walk in there anymore, Jimmy. All I can remember is that night,” she said quietly. Jimmy nodded but did not answer.

“Get some sleep, don’t let me keep you up.”

Lauren reluctantly agreed. Jimmy laid down next to her and wrapped his arms around her waist. He started to sing something familiar, his voice low and drawling.

“So tell everybody… the ones who walk beside me, yeah… I know you’ll find your own way… when I’m not with you tonight.”

The next morning, Lauren decided to call Dr. Kramer. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to tell him that she was seeing Jimmy at night, but she was ready to talk to him about the situation in general. Enough time had passed that she could say his name without bursting into tears. The doctor offered to come over to her house later on, once he was done working for the day.

After stopping by to take care of Zacky’s dad for the morning, she called Brian and Michelle to see if they were up to something. They had planned to get married sometime in January, but after Jimmy, it just didn’t seem appropriate anymore. She spoke on the phone with Brian, and he said that he would bring Michelle over.

She saw Brian’s car pull up through the front window, and opened the door to let him and Michelle in. They smiled and gave her hugs before getting themselves settled on the couch.

“I have a present for you,” Brian said.

“Do you?” Lauren asked, looking at him curiously. He nodded and reached into his coat pocket. He pulled something out and dropped it into Lauren’s open palm. It was a necklace, with a long chain and something that looked like a piece of hardware on the end.

“What’s this?” she asked, rolling the piece of metal between her fingers.

“It’s a piece of his drumset. Jason made them for us.”

Lauren smiled weakly. She put the long necklace on, over Jimmy’s cross necklace which she has yet to take off since she picked it up off the floor that day.

“So Zack told me that you’re taking care of his dad. He says his dad loves you so far,” Brian said.

“Yeah, I am. I’m glad he likes me,” Lauren smiled, taking a seat across from the couple. As much as she loved both of them, it was a little difficult to see how happy and in love they were. Just like she was with Jimmy.

They continued to chat for a little bit before Brian excused himself to the bathroom. Lauren and Michelle made some conversation in his absence.

When they heard a yelp and something crash from the other side of the house, the girls quickly jumped up and darted down the hall to see if Brian was alright. Lauren knocked on the door loudly.

“Brian, are you okay?”

The door opened, and Brian appeared looking pale and startled. Lauren noticed that something was shattered on the floor by his feet, it looked like the soap dish that normally rested on the counter.

“Baby, what happened?” Michelle asked, grabbing his hands. “You’re shaking.”

“I don’t know. I got really spooked there for a second, it was weird… I thought there was someone behind me in the mirror. I think I just need to sleep,” he shook his head. Michelle frowned and hugged him.

“I’m sorry about the dish, I accidentally knocked it over,” he mumbled.
“No worries, as long as you’re okay. That’s all that matters,” Lauren responded. Michelle took Brian into the living room to try and calm him down while Lauren swept up the broken ceramic pieces from the bathroom floor. She couldn’t help but wonder what Brian saw. Was there a chance that he saw Jimmy?

Once the mess was cleaned up, she walked back into the living room. Michelle had her arm around Brian’s back. While he certainly looked calmer, he still seemed a bit off.

After the three of them spent a little bit of time together, Lauren looked at the clock and noticed that Dr. Kramer would be here any minute. She mentioned it to Brian, who said that he would get out of her hair for the night. He apologized profusely for the soap dish on his way out the door, which Lauren sincerely didn’t care about in the slightest.

A few minutes after Brian left, Dr. Kramer knocked at the door.

“How have you been?” he asked as he stepped inside and took his coat off.

“Alright, I suppose,” she answered. The two of them took a seat on the couch facing each other.

“You look better than you have looked lately,” he remarked. She nodded.

They talked about her new job caring for Zacky’s father, how it was hard to believe that a month had already passed since Jimmy’s death, and everything in between. It was actually really relieving for her to have someone that she could just rant to about everything that was happening in her life. She knew he understood what losing Jimmy did to her.

The only thing she hadn’t mentioned, was that she had been seeing her dead fiance.

“I want to tell you something, but you have to promise me that you won’t think I’m insane,” she said. She took a deep breath. She was going to do this now, get it off her chest. No more holding it in forever.

“Of course not,” the doctor answered.

“I see him sometimes. I hear him too. Late at night when I’m alone in bed. It’s almost like he never left.”

Dr. Kramer nodded, his interest clearly piqued. He didn’t have a judgemental look on his face, however. More so a look of curiosity.

“What does he say to you?”

“He asks me how I’m doing, says he’s sorry, that I’ll be okay, stuff like that. I know I sound really crazy right now,” she mumbled, running a hand through her hair.

“Believe it or not, this actually isn’t so uncommon. You’re not crazy at all. Sometimes people who lose loved ones, especially ones they saw every day, will see glimpses of them or hear them say things,” he explained.

“Like they’re still alive?” she asked.

“Probably not exactly the same, but I presume it can be. Depends on the person,” he shrugged. He didn’t seem to be concerned about her night time hallucinations, which relieved her a bit.

They chatted for a bit longer before the doctor finally left. Lauren got ready for bed and climbed under the covers, wondering how long it would be before Jimmy appeared. After waiting for a while, she started to fall asleep. That was when she saw his figure appear again.

“Jimmy?” she asked.

“Hi,” he said simply and quietly. His voice sounded sad. He moved so he was sitting on the foot of the bed.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“No.”

Frowning, she shuffled over to the side of the bed where he was sitting and wrapped her arms around him. She had no idea what was bothering him so much, but she didn’t want to force him to talk if he was upset. Instead, she embraced him until she eventually dozed off for the night.

-x-

The weeks were seeming to drag on endlessly for Lauren. She had gotten herself back into a routine again, visiting Zack’s dad every morning, followed by seeing one or more of the guys, a therapy session twice a week, and seeing Jimmy in the evening most nights.

Dr. Kramer started to become a little concerned with the fact that Lauren was still seeing and hearing Jimmy on a regular basis. She was even toning her stories about him down, not mentioning that they would have lengthy conversations or that she could touch him. Although she knew that she was starting to move on, having him there every night as a constant reminder of what they had was making it difficult.

One afternoon after coming home from Zacky’s dad’s house, Lauren was starting to feel very anxious. Since Jimmy left, she started to have panic attacks when she had certain experiences that reminded her of the night he died. Sometimes it was something as simple as sitting in the armchair that she found him in.

She could start to feel her throat closing up on her just standing in the living room. Anxiously pacing around, she tried to will away the anxiousness from her body. The doctor had given her a prescription for anti-anxiety meds, but she hated taking them. They made her feel like a zombie, so she only took them when absolutely necessary.

As if he was reading her mind telepathically, Lauren noticed a text from Zacky asking how she was doing. Her hands were shaking too much to type, so she called him.

“Hey, you okay?” he opened up with.

“I can’t be in this house right now,” Lauren mumbled. Her voice was wavering.

“You’re okay. Take some deep breaths for me. I’ll be there in a few, I’ll take you to my house,” Zacky reassured her. She nodded, even though he couldn’t see her.

He showed up at her front door a few minutes after the phone call ended. She was still shaking and hyperventilating when he got there. Frowning, he pulled her into a hug and held her there for a moment.

Once she was calmed a little, he escorted her out to the car and they were off towards his house. The car ride was silent, only the sound of her heavy breathing was heard.

Zacky linked arms with her as they walked up to the house. He must have been afraid that she would pass out. She was starting to feel a bit light-headed as he unlocked the front door and lead her inside to the couch.

“How are you feeling now?” he asked.

“Better. Just tired,” she mumbled.

“You can take a nap if you want,” he offered. She shook her head. She wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if she napped now. Then she noticed, out of the corner of her eye, something familiar sitting on Zacky’s coat rack by the front door. He followed her gaze, and realized what she was looking at- Jimmy’s favorite jacket.

“I haven’t touched it since he left it here that night,” he said softly.

Lauren frowned and looked down at the floor. She remembered that night vividly, how Jimmy didn’t bother to go back to Zacky’s house to grab the coat, how he said that Zacky always loved that coat. Suddenly, she felt a hand on her shoulder, breaking her out of her memories. Zacky was giving her a sad smile.

“I actually think I’m going to lay down for a bit, if you don’t mind,” Lauren mumbled.

“Of course not, come on,” he waved his hand and got up. He led her down one of the hallways to his bedroom, which she had never seen before. It almost looked like something out of the Addams Family, with dark walls, spooky decor, and blood red sheets.

“This is interesting,” Lauren commented.

“What can I say? This is my happy place. Make yourself comfortable,” he smiled. Lauren thanked him and took a seat on the bed as he left.

As she got herself comfortable in bed, she noticed that his sheets smelled like cologne. God, she loved whatever cologne he wore. Most of them were obnoxious, but his was nice. It didn’t take long for her to get comfortable and fall asleep.

When she woke up later on, she could hear guitar playing softly in the other room. She had no idea what time it was, or how long she slept. She checked her phone and noticed it was almost 5pm, meaning she had slept for two hours. After a yawn and a stretch, she left the bedroom and followed the sound of the guitar playing. He was in his little studio with headphones on, and he was turned away from her. He didn’t seem to notice when she opened the door and peeked inside.

Lauren decided not to disturb him, and just stood in the doorway to watch him play for a few minutes. The guys had been talking about finishing the Nightmare album as a tribute to Jimmy, but it took some time for them to feel comfortable hopping back into recording again. They were reluctant at first, but with the encouragement of Jimmy’s parents, they decided to go for it.

He must have finally felt her presence, because he turned around and jolted when he noticed her there.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you,” she apologized.

“No worries,” he took his headphones off. “How was your nap?”

“Pretty good. You got a comfy bed. I guess I’ll go home and get out of your hair now,” she said.

“Lauren, you can stay as long as you want. You don’t bother me at all,” he set his guitar down onto a stand. Lauren nodded and took a seat next to him.

“I have a question for you,” he said. She looked towards him and nodded, indicating for him to continue.

“Do you think his death is going to be painful?”

The question hit her like a rock. Despite the fact that she had been taking care of Zacky’s father for more than a few weeks now, she would sometimes forget that he didn’t have so long left. Every week or so it seemed like it was getting harder for him to breathe. He was given oxygen, and a mask to help him breath while he slept. His doctor had also prescribed an anti-anxiety medication to help ease the panic associated with shortness of breath.

She had to snap herself out of her thoughts and answer him.

“To be honest with you, most patients with ALS seem to die from respiratory failure. They usually go to sleep and don’t wake up one morning,” she said softly. Zacky nodded, his pouty lips frowning.

“I know it’s coming. I just want it to be peaceful.”

Lauren nodded and put an arm around his shoulder. Even though he was preparing for his father to die, she knew that he would still be absolutely crushed when it did happen. She started to wonder about Zacky’s mother. Was she still alive? She hadn’t heard him mention her ever.

“You’ve never told me about your mom,” she said. She noticed his facial expression change from sad to bitter. Maybe even angry.

“I haven’t seen her since I was in high school. My parents got divorced, she took off to Colorado or something, and my dad raised my brother and I,” he shrugged.

“I’m sorry for asking. I was just curious.”

“It’s fine. I don’t blame you. I thought about finding her, so she could have the chance to say goodbye to him. But then I realized that she doesn’t give a shit. If she did, I wouldn’t have to find her,” Zacky replied.

“You’re a great son. Your dad tells me everyday how much he loves you,” Lauren smiled and rubbed his back. Her smile quickly turned to a frown when she saw his eyes water. He sniffed and looked down, the tears falling into his lap.

“I just lost Jimmy, I’m not ready to lose my dad too.”

-x-

“Did the guys finish the album yet?” Jimmy asked as the two of them were laying in bed for the night. A few months had passed by since Jimmy’s death, and Lauren was still seeing him every day.

The guys were celebrating the fact that they had just put the finishing touches on recording Nightmare, and the album was set to release this summer. Lauren had been present throughout some of the process, and she saw first hand how painful it was for them.

“They just did, actually. It’s being released this summer.”

A huge smile broke out onto Jimmy’s face. He had been telling Lauren how proud he was of the guys for finishing the album despite everything, because he wanted the fans to hear his last pieces of work.

Dr. Kramer started to become very concerned with the fact that Lauren was still seeing and hearing Jimmy, so she started to lie about it. She told him that Jimmy had stopped showing up, even though he still was. Keeping it a secret was driving her insane. She thought about telling Zacky or Brian about him, but she was deathly afraid of what they would think.

“Hello, Earth to Lauren!” Jimmy waved his hand in front of her face. She apologized for being distracted.

“What’s going on with you lately?” Jimmy asked.

“Nothing,” she lied.

“Quit lying to me, before I tickle you,” he threatened.

“No one knows that I still see you,” she admitted, looking away from him.

“I thought you told Dr. Kramer?”

“I did. But I got the feeling he started to think I was losing it, so I lied and told him I don’t see you anymore,” she explained.

“You don’t want to tell the guys?” he asked. She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to tell you,” he shrugged.

“Do you think you’ll be around forever?”

“I can’t say. I feel like I’m here for a reason, but I couldn’t tell you what the reason was.”

Early the next morning, Lauren noticed that she was getting a phone call from Dr. Kramer. Wondering what he wanted, she picked up.

“Good morning,” he said.

“Morning. What’s up?” she asked.

“I have something I want to talk to you about. Can I come over?”

Lauren thought the tone in his voice was odd, but she told him that he was more than welcome to come over. What did he want to talk about that he couldn’t just tell her on the phone? She waited anxiously for him to arrive. When he finally pulled up, she let him inside. He was unusually quiet.

“What did you want to talk about?” she asked. The doctor pulled a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket.

“I’m not sure how to say this, so here,” he handed her the paper. Lauren’s heart started to race as she unfolded the paper. She had no idea what could be so bad that he needed to show her a paper instead of telling her himself, that was so unlike Dr. Kramer. Jimmy’s name was printed on the top of the page, and she recognized this as being a print out from the EHR system at the hospital.

Her eyes scanned across the page- and she saw the words that made her halt her breathing.

‘Acute polydrug toxicity… oxycodone, oxymorphone, diazepam, nordiazepam, alcohol…’

She looked up at the doctor, and noticed that he had tears in his eyes. She couldn’t believe what she just read. This couldn’t be true. She would have known if Jimmy was taking all those drugs, how could she not know?

“He was lying to me, the entire time…” she trailed off, letting the paper fall from her hands.

“I’m sorry. I genuinely had no idea,” Dr. Kramer mumbled. “I talked to the coroner. He said that between Jimmy’s heart condition and the combination of those drugs after being sober, he probably suppressed his cardiac output without realizing.”

Lauren started to sob, and the doctor came over to her and put an arm around her. He stayed with her until she had calmed down a little bit.

“I have to go to the hospital,” he said quietly. “Are you going to be alone today?”

“No. I’m taking care of Zacky’s dad, and then I’m spending time with the guys,” she sniffed.

“Good. You can call me anytime today if you need to, okay? I’m sorry I had to break this to you,” he said.

Once he was gone, Lauren went to care for Zack’s dad, who seemed to notice that she was off today. She assured him she was fine, she didn’t need him worrying about anything. After that, she called Brian and told him to bring the guys over.

She was so upset she hardly noticed time passing that day, and all of a sudden the guys were sitting in front of her, waiting to hear what she called them over for. Wiping away fresh tears, she pulled out the paper the doctor had given her. The guys looked at her with concerned eyes.

“Jimmy’s doctor brought me this today…” she started to read, but couldn’t finish. Brian took the paper from her, and read the results out loud. The silence in the room was intense. Lauren was too busy crying to notice the reaction the guys had. She felt Matt wrap an arm around her shoulder.

“Jesus,” Brian huffed, throwing the paper down. “How did we not know?” No one answered him. Brian sank down into the couch, rubbing his face with his hand as if he just woke up.

“I feel like this is my fault. We used to do drugs together all the time,” he said.

“It’s not your fault, or anyone’s fault,” Zacky said. “Jimmy was an adult. He made his own decisions. We tried everything to help him.”

“Fuck!” Brian growled, slamming his fists into the couch. He got up and stormed outside. Johnny went outside after him to make sure he was okay.

“I didn’t want to keep this from you guys,” Lauren said. Matt rubbed her back.

“We appreciate you telling us,” he said. “We’re all a bit upset, but this doesn’t change anything.”

Once the guys left a little while later, Lauren was starting to dread the end of the night. If Jimmy appeared, she would have to face him and that was the last thing she wanted to do. She really just wanted to pretend today never happened. Unfortunately for her, that wasn’t the case. As soon as she laid down for the night, wide awake, she could see him appear next to the bed. Instead of saying anything, she felt him lean down and kiss her on the cheek.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know you found out.” She reached past him and turned the bedside lamp on so she could see him, and then she stared right into his eyes.

“Why would you lie to me?” she asked, trying her best to keep her voice stern. He frowned.

“I wasn’t even using that much… hardly anything at all.”

Suddenly furious, she balled up his shirt in her fist and dragged him closer, so their noses were almost touching. She had never been this angry at him, ever. Not even close.

“Four medications and alcohol is not hardly anything. You lied to me that night I found the oxy in your drawer. You lied to me the whole time, Jimmy.”

“I know, I did. I’m sorry,” he said quietly. She let his shirt go, and moved away from him.

“Did you try to kill yourself?”

“No. I know you probably don’t believe anything I say, but I promise I didn’t,” he said, pleading with her. He grabbed her hand as he spoke, but Lauren ripped away from him and shook her head.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs. Fiction, leaving your jacket at Zacky’s, waking up in the middle of the night to tell me you loved me. You knew this was going to happen, admit it.”

Jimmy sighed, taking a seat on the bed next to her.

“Okay. I knew. I knew I was going to die, but I didn’t commit suicide,” he said.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, feeling the tears start to sting her eyes. If only she had known that something was wrong, she could have gotten him help before anything happened. He would probably still be here.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry… You probably wish you never met me.”

As furious as Lauren was, his words hit her right in the heart. She still loved Jimmy with all her heart, and nothing was going to change that. She was upset, sure, but that didn’t make her regret everything. Her face softened.

“Of course I don’t. I’m mad, sure. I’m really pissed. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I regret meeting you. So don’t ever think that, okay?” she said. He nodded.

“It’s been a long day for you, I bet. I’ll leave you alone,” Jimmy said. He kissed her on the forehead before he got up from the bed and disappeared.

-x-

The next day, Lauren was invited to go over Matt’s house to play video games with him, Johnny, and Brian. After all the stress from yesterday, it was nice to hang out with her favorite people and just relax.

Zacky was running a bit late, but finally made his way through the door. Lauren got distracted when he came in, giving Matt the opportunity to kill her in the game they were playing.

“I’m here, I brought extra beer,” Zacky announced. He put the beer in the kitchen, and made his way back into the living room to pick up a controller and plop onto the couch across from Lauren. Her eyes were fixed on him. She couldn’t help but admire his outfit, even though it was something he would typically wear. A Misfits shirt, dark wash jeans, and a vest full of random patches. He noticed her stare and smiled. She returned the smile and quickly looked away, not wanting him to think she was being weird for staring at him.

After an hour or two of the group taking turns playing Mortal Kombat, everyone dispersed to get a drink and take a walk. Zacky went outside to the backyard to smoke a cigarette.

“Hey you,” Brian said, leaning onto the counter next to where Lauren was standing.

“Hey Brian,” she said, taking a sip of the soda she was holding.

“What’s up with the way you were looking at vengeance before? You stared him down like a piece of meat,” Brian laughed. Lauren felt the color leave her face. This was exactly the opposite of what she wanted.

“I-I was just admiring his outfit.” She silently cursed herself for stuttering. Brian raised an eyebrow.

“Something you need to tell me?” he asked. He didn’t seem angry, more curious than anything. But Lauren was still mortified. Instead of answering him, she darted off down the hallway and hid herself away in Matt’s room.

She had spent a lot of time with Zacky the past couple months. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, she was starting to have feelings for him. Just thinking about it made her feel guilty, pathetic, and sad. Her fiance had died just a few months ago, and here she was crushing on one of his closest friends. But she really couldn’t help how she felt.

What would Jimmy think of her?

Brian quietly stepped into the room a few minutes after Lauren had scurried off. He took a seat on the bed next to her.

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I was honestly just being sarcastic, but your reaction told me more than I asked for,” he said. Lauren couldn’t make eye contact with him. She felt so stupid for the way she reacted. If she would have played it cool, he would have been none the wiser.

“Is there something going on between you guys?” Brian finally asked the question he had been dancing around since he came into the room.

“No,” Lauren answered immediately.

“Do you have feelings for him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you afraid to tell me because you think I’ll be mad?” he asked. Lauren felt hot tears roll down her cheeks, then felt Brian’s hand rubbing her back.

“I’m also afraid that he would hate me and that I’m a shitty person for feeling this way,” she cried. Brian frowned and continued to comfort her, but also kept asking questions.

“Who would hate you, Zacky?” he asked, confused.

“Jimmy.”

“Sweetie, Jimmy would never hate you. I’m sure he just wants you to be happy. If Zacky made you happy, then I don’t think Jimmy would be upset. Also, you’re not a shitty person at all. I know you pretty well. I also knew Jimmy pretty well, and I can guarantee you he wouldn’t think that about you… Jimmy’s also not here anymore…” Brian trailed off for a moment. “I don’t mean to sound like an insensitive asshole, but you should focus on what makes you happy.”

Lauren was about to tell him about Jimmy being in her room every night, but a knock on the door made both of them jump. Lauren quickly wiped the tears off of her face.

“Lauren? Gates? Are you guys in here?” Zacky’s voice called.

“Can I open the door?” Brian whispered. Lauren nodded and watched him as he stood up and opened the door. Zacky had a curious look on his face, which turned to a sad one when he looked at Lauren and noticed her face was flushed from crying.

“Everything alright in here?” he asked softly. “The guys were wondering if she was okay.”

“We were just talking, everything is fine. Right?” Brian turned to Lauren, who nodded. Zacky didn’t seem convinced.

“I’ll leave you guys alone to talk if you want… You know you can talk to me anytime, right Lauren?” Brian said, hovering by the door.

“Yeah. Thanks, Bri,” she murmured. Brian nodded, and gave Zacky a look that she couldn’t decipher before he left, closing the door behind him.

Zacky took a seat next to her, and rubbed the back of her hand with his own. She couldn’t help but feel a shiver run through her body when he touched her. She tried to think about anything else, but it wasn’t working.

“Are you alright?” he asked, trying to look into her eyes. Nodding, she actively avoided his gaze.

“Did Brian tell you anything?” she asked shyly.

“All he told me was that you got upset while you two were talking. What did he say?” he asked.

Lauren wanted to tell him about Jimmy, and about the fact that she was developing feelings for him. She wasn’t sure which she should say first. Looking up at him for the first time since he came into the room, her heart started to race when they made eye contact. Those green eyes were tripping her up, making it impossible to speak. It took a few moments for her to open her mouth at all.

“Zee, I have-” She was interrupted by his cell phone ringing. He briefly glanced at it.

“I’m so sorry, I have to take this, give me one second,” he said quickly before he got up and left, answering the phone on the way out.

Lauren was silently thankful for the phone call. It gave her a few more moments to think about what she wanted to say. A few more moments than she had actually anticipated, Zacky was taking a while on this phone call. She became more nervous as the minutes went by. What if he didn’t feel that way about her? What if he thought she was a heartless bitch for liking him so soon after Jimmy’s death? What if he told the rest of the guys and they all hated her for it?

What would Jimmy think when she told him?

The sound of the door creaking open made her heart race even faster. When she looked at Zacky, she saw that he looked deathly pale, and his emerald eyes were glassy with tears.

“He’s gone,” was all he said.

-x-

His father’s funeral took place on a gloomy, rainy sunday morning. Quite unusual weather for Southern California. Although Zacky was prepared for this, he was still shattered. Lauren and the guys took turns standing by his side, hugging him, letting him cry on their shoulder.

Zacky and Lauren never finished their conversation from Matt’s house, and Lauren hadn’t planned on finishing it anytime soon. The last thing she wanted to do was place more of a burden on Zacky, he had enough going on right now.

After the service, Zacky hugged his friends goodbye and said he wanted to spend some time alone with his brother for the day. Lauren decided to spend the rest of the day with the guys, since she had nothing else to do. They all went over to Brian’s house, where Matt, Val, Michelle, and Johnny settled on the couch.

“You wanna talk?” Brian asked Lauren as they walked into the house. Lauren wasn’t really up for talking, but she didn’t want to be rude and say no. They made their way out to the back patio, since the weather was starting to clear up just a bit.

“Did you tell him?” was the first thing Brian asked when they were alone.

“No. I was planning on doing it the day he found out. But now… I don’t know. I feel like it’s not the best time,” Lauren mumbled.

“Maybe it’s better to wait. You have some time to figure out if you feel strongly enough to tell him.”

“What do you mean?” Lauren questioned.

“I mean, what if you just started to develop feelings because you guys have been close since Jimmy died?” Brian explained.

“I hear what you’re saying. That is what happened. But I don’t think that changes anything. I don’t just have feelings for him because I’m lonely, I’m not lonely…” she said.

Lauren hadn’t seen Jimmy since Zacky’s father died. Sometimes Jimmy disappeared for a few days, but this was the longest she had ever gone without seeing him in months. She needed to tell him what was going on. Brian gave her a quizzical look.

“There’s something else I have to tell you, besides the whole Zacky thing,” she added.

“I’m listening, go ahead.”

“I… I haven’t told anyone else this, so you have to promise that you keep it to yourself, and that you won’t think I’m crazy,” she said quickly.

“I promise,” he responded.

“I still… I see Jimmy. Almost every night. He appears in my room, and we talk. He’s still here for some reason, haunting me.”

She took a moment to observe Brian’s reaction. He looked confused.

“Seriously?” he asked. She nodded. A look of realization suddenly crossed his face.

“That’s why you’re so upset about having feelings for Zacky… because you’d have to actually tell Jimmy?” he thought out loud.

“Yes. It’s been driving me crazy because I couldn’t tell anyone about seeing him. I don’t want to tell him about Zacky, Brian. I can’t break his heart.”

Brian nodded in understanding and lit a cigarette. He took a long drag, and appeared to be deep in thought for a few moments.

“I wish I had an easy answer for you. I think you should be honest with them- both Jimmy and Zacky. If the Jimmy you’re seeing is the Jimmy we know, then I can almost assure you he won’t be mad,” he said. Lauren thought about what he said for a few minutes, and realized he was probably right.

“If I ask you something, will you be honest?” Lauren asked. A nod from Brian. “Do you think Zacky has feelings for me?”

“Honestly, I have no idea.When we’ve talked about you it’s been strictly platonic, but do you want me to try and find out?” he asked.

“Whatever you can do, don’t stress him out…” Lauren trailed off.

“Of course. Can you tell Jimmy that I love and miss him?” Brian asked quietly. Lauren nodded in agreement, and they headed back inside as soon as he was done with his cigarette.

A few hours later, Lauren finally decided to head home. The house was incredibly quiet. She missed having someone else around, she had no idea how she used to live alone when she was younger. After taking a shower and changing into casual clothes, she decided to curl up in bed with a book. Once she was comfy, she sent Zacky a text to check in on him and see if he needs anything.

‘I’m doing alright. Thanks for asking honey. We’ll talk tomorrow,’ was his reply. Her heart fluttered when she saw the word ‘honey.’ Maybe there was a chance that he had feelings for her after all. Or maybe she was in way over her head. She read for a while, and then took a break to think about what she was going to say to Jimmy tonight if she saw him. She felt really bad about how their last interaction went.

When Jimmy finally appeared, she got out of bed to hug him, saying how much she had missed him. He smiled and returned her hug, asking her to fill him in as to what’s been going on. Things felt so much better between them already.

“You missed a lot,” she admitted. “Zacky’s father died a few days ago.”

“Oh my god.. please give Zacky a tight hug for me, I feel so bad,” Jimmy frowned.

“Speaking of Zacky, I have something I’ve been needing to tell you. Promise me you won’t be upset, though.” Jimmy raised an eyebrow in confusion, but agreed nevertheless.

“This is really hard to say, because it makes me feel like a horrible person… but, I think…. I’m starting to have feelings for him,” the emotions going through her mind right now were overwhelming. There was a huge lump in her throat.“I’m sorry.”

Jimmy didn’t respond at first. She was worried that Brian had been wrong about anticipating his reaction. Jimmy sighed, and got up from the bed to look out the window. She should have known he would be mad. Starting to cry again, she buried her face in her hands. She felt so ashamed. Months ago she had been happier than ever, with Jimmy being the absolute love of her life, and now she was having feelings for someone else so soon.

“I’m not mad. I’m sorry if I made you think that,” he said suddenly, turning towards her. When he noticed her tears, he came over to her and wiped her cheeks with the back of his hand.

“I just wanted to think of what to say. I’m not mad, I promise. I know I’m not here anymore, and I know that you and Zacky have gotten very close these past couple of months. He’s an amazing guy, and I would be okay knowing that he’s taking care of you since I can’t anymore…” he stops talking and looks down at the bed. “I’m only mad because that was supposed to be us. We were supposed to live happily ever after, maybe have a kid or two, grow old together. Things were going so well. I just feel like life kind of fucked me, you know?” he finally finished.

“I feel that way too. I honestly wish I didn’t have feelings for him, because this has done nothing but hurt and confuse me,” Lauren sniffed. “I don’t even know how he feels about me.”

“I know,” Jimmy rubbed her hand. “And trust me, if he doesn’t like you, he’s a fucking moron. You’re drop dead gorgeous, super smart, and sweet as can be. What guy wouldn’t like you?” Lauren smiled through her tears and squeezed his hand.

“Thank you, Jimmy. I love you. I wish that you were still here.”

“Me too, sweetheart. But you still have a chance to be happy, make the most of life. You know as well as I do it can all be taken away any second, so better live it up now, right?” he said. She nodded.

“I want to tell him, but I don’t know when. He’s still grieving, I don’t want to interfere with that,” she explained.

“Give him a bit, but definitely tell him.”

“I will. Before I forget, I also told Brian that I’ve been seeing you. He wanted me to tell you that he loves and misses you,” Lauren said. Jimmy smiled.

“I love and miss him too. As well as everyone else.. I think it's about time for you to get some sleep, my dear,” he said. Lauren nodded and got settled back into bed. Jimmy wrapped his arms around her waist, and gently hummed into her ear until she drifted off.

-x-

A few weeks had passed since Zack’s father died, and Lauren felt pretty lonely in the mornings now that she wasn’t visiting him everyday. She still didn’t think she would be able to work like she used to, but she did think about applying for a nursing job at one of the local walk-in clinics. She was tired of sitting around the house all the time, and she knew this would be a relatively low stress job.

Jimmy was still visiting her at night, although he started to come less frequently than he used to. Now it was only every few days at best.

The guys were getting ready to head out on tour in support of Nightmare, and Lauren was bummed to say the least. After they left next week, she really wouldn’t have anyone to talk to except Val and Michelle, who decided to stay home. Val was too pregnant to be going out on tour.

Lauren invited the boys over for dinner tonight, since she wanted to spend as much time with them as possible before they left. Brian was the first to show up, followed by Zacky, Matt and Val, and finally Johnny and Lacey. She couldn’t help but stare at Zacky when she saw him. His hair was combed back perfectly, and he looked amazing. It was then she realized that she had to tell him soon. Once the guys left, she wouldn’t see him for a while. Even though they talked on the phone at least once a day when they didn’t see each other, she knew it wouldn’t be the same.

“How are you, love?” Zacky said softly. He walked over to her after noticing that she couldn’t tear her eyes away from him.

“I’m well. Kind of sad that you guys are leaving soon, though,” she frowned. Zacky nodded in understanding, but didn’t say anything else. Matt dragged him away to feel Val’s baby bump, and Brian took the opportunity to pull Lauren aside.

“What’s up?” she asked as he pulled her into the kitchen.

“Making this quick in case someone walks in. He likes you. Please tell him. Preferably tonight,” Brian rushed through his words. Lauren felt her heart skip a beat- did Zacky really like her?

“Are...are you positive?” she asked, not believing him.

“He begged me not to tell you, so yes,” Brian smiled. Johnny walked into the kitchen to grab a drink, so they had to end their conversation there. Lauren was filled to the brim with excitement. She couldn’t believe that Zacky liked her back. This would make telling him so much easier.

When she stepped back into the living room, she again made eye contact with the green-eyed guitarist. Val told her to come sit next to her and Matt, which Lauren obliged, only after taking a good look at Zacky first. She felt her phone vibrate and pulled it out of her pocket.

‘We never finished that conversation,’ Zacky texted. She felt her mouth go dry as she glanced up at him. She thought for sure he had forgotten when she was about to tell him everything a few weeks ago. He was staring at her, although trying not to make it painfully obvious. Brian, however, knew exactly what was going on, and watched intently.

‘Once the gang leaves, stick around,’ she replied to him. He nodded and gave her a slight smile.

The group of friends ate dinner together, then sat gathered around the back patio table to chat and have some drinks. Once it got late out, everyone gradually migrated back inside. Val complained of a back ache, so Matt decided to take her home. The other couples were soon to follow. Brian winked at Lauren on his way out the door, and told her to text him later.

Lauren was now alone with Zacky in the kitchen.

“So,” he started. “Remember when you told me that you had to talk to me about something? I didn’t forget. You can tell me now if you want,” he said. He was standing awkwardly with his hands shoved into his pockets.

“Right. There were two things I wanted to tell you,” she started, taking a deep breath. “Promise you won’t get upset or think I’m insane?” The same thing she asked everyone to do when she was about to tell them something crazy. It just made her feel better, even if the promise was a fake one.

“I promise.”

“Okay… So, the first thing… this is the crazy one… Since Jimmy died, I’ve still been able to see and talk to him. He shows up in my room some nights, and it’s like he never left…” she said slowly. Zacky took a moment to process, his face scrunched up in confusion.

“He’s like… a ghost?”

Lauren nodded.

“That’s… wow. What does he say to you?” he asked.

“We talk about everything. What’s going on, stuff like that,” she shrugged.

“So you guys have full on conversations?”

“Yeah… I knew you’d think I was nuts,” Lauren mumbled. She started to play with her fingernails, trying to avoid looking at him.

“Lauren, I don’t think that at all,” he said, stepping closer to her. “I’m glad that you get to have that kind of closure with him. You needed it.”

She looked up at him, and was paralyzed by his stare as usual.

“What was the other thing you wanted to tell me?”

“Zacky…” her breath catches in her throat, “I’m falling for you… ” before she could finish the rest of her sentence, Zacky’s lips were on hers, enveloping her in a passionate kiss. She could swear that he was able to hear how fast her heart was beating, especially when he rested one of his hands on the back of her neck, the other on her waist.This wasn’t exactly the reaction she expected from him.

When they finally broke the kiss, she noticed how flushed his face was. His chest expanded with each deep, heavy breath. He moved the hand behind her head to her waist, where he was holding her with both hands now. She half expected him to say something, but he just held her there, gazing at her eyes intensely.

“I’ve felt that way about you for a while now,” he finally admitted.

“Really?” Lauren asked, in disbelief.

“Of course,” he murmured, his face close to hers. She could feel his warm breath hitting her cheek. “I always thought you were gorgeous. But once we started getting close, I realized you were so much more than that…”

“Why did you never tell me?”

“I was scared. I didn’t think you felt that way about me, I didn’t want you to think I was swooping in on you now that Jimmy was gone… There were a lot of reasons,” he explained. While he was talking, he grabbed one of her hands and laced his fingers with hers. They shared a moment of silence.

“I’ve been waiting to tell you,” she sighed. The constant worry she had about this situation with Zacky was finally over.

“I had a feeling that something was up with you,” he smiled. She felt her cheeks go red, and he leaned in to give her another kiss after mumbling about how cute it was when she blushed.

-x-

Later on that night, Lauren and Zacky were laying on the couch together, when she realized she had to tell Brian what happened. She did promise, after all.

“Do you mind if I call Brian?” she asked, turning her head up to look at Zacky. He nodded, and said he wouldn’t mind at all. Pulling her phone out, she waiting patiently for Brian’s voice to come through the speaker.

“Hey Lauren, you okay?” he asked.

“I’m good. I have news for you,” she said, the smile on her face more than evident in her voice.

“Did you tell him?” Brian asked, excitedly.

“She told me,” Zacky answered, gently rubbing the side of her shoulder.

“Holy shit, I’m so relieved. You know what it was like for me to know that you both were madly in love with each other and I couldn’t say anything? Jesus Christ…” Brian started to chuckle. “So, what’s the deal? Are you guys telling everyone else?”

Lauren and Zacky exchanged glances. In all the happiness and excitement that followed Lauren’s confession, neither of them had considered that they would have to tell the rest of the gang about their relationship. Just thinking about it made Lauren anxious. She knew that Brian was okay with it, but there was no way to tell if the rest of them would be.

“I think we will in time, but we should probably discuss when,” Zacky filled in for her, taking the hint that she wasn’t ready to answer the question.

“Yeah, yeah… no pressure. Well, congrats guys. I’m ecstatic, you both deserve this more than anything. Take care of each other, okay?” Brian responded.

“No worries about that. Thanks for everything, Gates. We’ll be in touch,” Zacky smiled.

After the phone call was over, the two of them continued to talk for most of the night. Zacky told Lauren about how Brian was trying to pry information out of him, asking him all sorts of questions like: “So, what do you really think of Lauren?” He told her how he started to have feelings for her right before she started to take care of his father, how he too felt the same feelings of guiltiness that Lauren did.

Even though Lauren was over the moon about today, she couldn’t help but feel a terrible sensation creep through her chest. No matter how much she reminded herself that Jimmy was okay with all of this, she still felt like she was betraying him. If she really loved him as much as she thought she did, would she have been able to feel this way about Zacky in the first place?

“You okay? You got quiet all of a sudden,” Zacky mumbled as he played with her hair. She shrugged, not really in the mood to tell him about what she was thinking. “Is this whole thing kind of weird for you?” he asked, after a few moments of her silence.

Trying to think of what to tell him, she started to feel that sensation rise into her throat. She silently scolded herself, she couldn’t cry here. Not in front of him. Not when they were supposed to be having a happy moment with each other. But no matter how much she told herself not to cry, she still felt her eyes water. Her stomach started to do flips as well, which didn’t make her feel any better.

“I’ll be right back,” she said quickly, before leaving his arms and darting out of the room. Hoping that he wouldn’t follow her, she ran into the bathroom and closed the door before she threw up.

She couldn’t help but wonder what her problem was. All she wanted was for this night to happen, and now she was getting so upset over it that she made herself sick. As Lauren rinsed with mouthwash to get the taste out of her mouth, she heard a gentle knock on the door.

“Lauren? You okay?”

“I’m fine, Zee. I’ll be out in a few,” she replied. She heard his footsteps to indicate that he had left, and she sighed. She braced her hands against the counter and took a moment to close her eyes and pull herself together. Her worst fear was that she would scare Zacky off, and make him think that she had regrets about what happened tonight.

As she tilted her head up to look at herself in the mirror, she jolted and jumped back when she saw a reflection standing behind her. It was Jimmy.

He caught her before she had the chance to slam into him, and apologized for scaring her.

“What are you doing here?” she whispered as low as possible, in case Zacky was still in the hallway.

“I have to go,” he replied softly. She noticed the sadness in his gorgeous eyes, the gentle way he was holding her. Did he mean that he was leaving for good?

“Is this it?” she managed to get out, looking up at him. He nodded, his lips pursed into a deep frown.

“No,” she murmured, “I’m not ready, Jimmy.”

He sighed sympathetically and wrapped her into a hug. As her head was resting on his chest, she could hear the lub dub of his heart. The heart that hadn’t been beating for quite a while. Tears spilled out of her eyes and wet his shirt as she realized what was happening. This was the last moment they would get to spend together.

“I love you, Lauren.” he mumbled, squeezing her just a bit tighter.

“I love you too, Jimmy.”

With that, he slowly let go of her, and tilted her chin up with his hand to give her one last peck on the lips. Then he was gone.

“Lauren?” came Zacky’s voice through the door. She opened the door, and met Zacky’s concerned gaze.

“You alright? I’m worried about you,” he said.

She felt an intense emptiness in her chest, knowing that Jimmy was gone now. Truly gone. It felt like she had lost him all over again. Unable to tell Zacky what had happened, she just threw herself into his arms instead. He held her tightly, and rocked back and forth.

“You’re okay, I’m here,” he mumbled as he rubbed her back.

-x-

The next morning when Lauren woke up, she noticed Zacky was asleep in the chair across from her bed. He was so worried about her last night, that even when she fell asleep, he still decided to stay. She rolled out of bed and walked over to the chair, shaking his tattooed arm gently. He jolted awake, quickly asking if she was okay.

“I’m fine, honey. I just wanted to wake you up because it’s morning,” she said as she rubbed one of his arms with her hand. Zack groaned and rubbed his eyes, trying to wake up. Lauren spontaneously took a seat in his lap, which made a surprised noise escape from his throat.

“Hello,” he mumbled, looking at her with eyes that were now wide awake.

“I really appreciate you sticking around last night to make sure I was okay. You’re a sweetheart,” she said, wrapping her hands around the back of his neck.

“Don’t mention it,” he smiled. She leaned down and pecked him on the lips.

“So, what’s the plan for today?” he asked, one hand resting on her hip to keep her from falling over.

“Well,” she started. “I think we should meet up with the guys. Tell them what’s going on. They’re going to find out soon enough, anyway.” Zacky nodded in response.

“As long as you’re ready, babe… Are you going to be okay when we leave next week?” he asked. She had completely forgotten about them leaving soon with all the craziness that has been going on. The guys checked on her every single day, and spent time with her whenever she was feeling alone. What would she do without them here?

“I… I don’t know…” she said softly. “I don’t know what I’ll do without you here.” Zacky frowned and rubbed her lower back.

“What if you come with us?”

“What?” she asked, not sure if she heard him right.

“What if you come with us on tour? I’m sure the guys wouldn’t mind at all, they love you. We can ask them later,” he explained. Lauren grinned and hugged him, then planted some kisses on the side of his face. He laughed and squirmed in the chair underneath her.

“Call them and tell them to get their asses out of bed. I’ll have breakfast ready for them when they get here,” she smiled. Zacky nodded and kissed her cheek before she climbed out of his lap to get changed.

While Zacky called the guys, Lauren got changed out of pajamas and then made her way into the kitchen to start making pancakes.

“They said they’ll be here in like an hour,” Zacky announced.

“Good,” Lauren murmured as she poured a cup of syrup out for breakfast. She turned around to put it on the kitchen table, but didn’t realize Zacky was standing right behind her. She slammed right into him, and ended up spilling syrup all over his shirt. He burst out into laughter while she furiously apologized and ran to grab paper towels.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll just throw it in the washing machine before it dries,” Zacky laughed and pulled the dirty shirt over his head.

When Lauren turned around and saw him standing in the middle of the kitchen shirtless, she couldn’t help but stare. Zacky smirked as he balled his shirt up, and walked over to her.

“Like what you see?” he joked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“I do,” she smiled, looking at his green deathbat tattoo. “But let me take this and get you a new shirt,” she took the shirt from him and pecked him on the lips before going down the hall. She threw his dirty shirt in the washer, and stopped by her room to grab him a new t-shirt before she headed back to the kitchen.

“Here you go, sexy,” she tossed him the new shirt. He smiled and unfolded it, taking a look at it.

“Who the hell is Avenged Sevenfold?” he asked, turning the shirt around. Both of them laughed as he put the shirt on.

Zacky helped Lauren finish making breakfast without any further incident, and let the guys in when they started to show up.

“You better got something good to tell us for making me get out of bed- holy shit, pancakes?” Johnny said as he walked into the kitchen.

“Just for you, shorty. Eat up,” she replied, bringing a fresh plate to the table.

As Johnny sat down to start stuffing his face, Matt and Brian had just walked through the front door. They both hugged Lauren hello, and seemed to be very excited when they saw breakfast on the table. Brian smirked at Lauren and Zacky before joining his friends at the table.

After the whole gang ate breakfast together, they started to question Lauren about what she invited them over for. She felt a bit of nervousness in the pit of her stomach, so she looked over at Zacky. He gave her a reassuring smile, and she found herself feeling much less anxious.

“So, I actually invited everyone over so I could make an announcement and ask a question,” she said, breathing out in an attempt to let her anxiety go. The guys nodded at her to continue.

“The first thing might be kind of weird for you guys to hear… but I know you’ll find out soon enough anyway… Zacky and I have started seeing each other.”

Matt was silent, while Johnny almost choked on the sip of orange juice he was drinking. She really had no idea how they would take this news, so she waited patiently as her heart raced. Zacky grabbed her hand and squeezed it.

“What? For real? When the hell did this happen?” Johnny asked, still coughing to clear his throat.

“Um.. Yesterday I guess, officially,” Zacky responded. Matt had yet to respond, which had both Lauren and Zack worried. Brian was acting more as a quiet observer, since he had already known this news.

“Well, congrats you two. Not sure what else to say,” Johnny chuckled awkwardly. Lauren turned towards Matt, to see if he was ready to respond.

“This is weird, no doubt…” he started. “But if you guys are happy, who the hell am I to say anything, right?”

Lauren felt a huge wave of relief wash over her. The guys accepted her and Zacky being together, and she no longer had to fear about losing them as friends.

“Wait, Gates, did you know about this?” Matt asked, pointing a piece of bacon towards Brian. “You don’t look surprised.”

“Matt, it was so obvious that they were in love, I can’t believe I was the only one who noticed. I had to convince them to even tell each other,” Brian laughed. Matt sat back in his chair and laughed as well, mumbling something about how he can’t believe he didn’t see it earlier. “But I don’t know what her question was, so go ahead, Lauren,” Brian added.

“Would you guys mind if I came on tour with you?” she asked. The three men looked at each other, then at her.

“Of course we wouldn’t. I mean, as long as you think you’re prepared to be away from home that long,” Matt said.

“I’ll be fine if I’m with you guys,” she nodded.

“Then it’s settled. You might want to start packing, little deathbat,” Brian said, patting Lauren on the head. Lauren smiled and got up to hug each of the guys and thank them for being so cool about everything. They headed home soon after that, saying that they also needed to prepare for the tour.

“Have fun, lovebirds,” Brian called out as he closed the front door.


-x-


The night before the guys were scheduled to leave for tour, Matt decided to have everyone over at his house for a final big get together. Although Lauren and Zacky had told a handful of people about their relationship, they were still planning to keep it on the down low for now. It seemed like the only appropriate thing to do.

Without a doubt, the hardest people to break the news to were Jimmy’s family. Lauren thought she was going to pass out the night that she told them after they invited her over for dinner. Even though they were incredibly sweet and understanding about it, the situation was still very awkward. She was so thankful that they reassured her and told her that Jimmy would want her to be happy and move on with someone else if she could.

Lauren was lost in her thoughts as Zacky pulled up to Matt’s house. He asked her if she was ready to go inside yet, and she nodded. He gave her a gentle kiss on the lips before they headed inside. After Lauren said hello to the guys, and a few other people she recognized, she stopped to say hi to Val and Michelle. She hadn’t seen them in a while, and wondered if their husbands mentioned the news to them. She had no idea what to expect.

“I hear that you’re going on tour with the guys,” Val said. Lauren nodded. “You better keep a good eye on that husband of mine. Remind him he’s got a pregnant wife back home who’s about to burst,” she joked. Lauren laughed and promised she would keep a reign on Matt.

After talking with Val and Michelle, Lauren made her way into the kitchen to grab a drink while Zacky was catching up with some friends. She heard Val and Michelle talking still, and didn’t pay much attention to what they were saying until she heard Val murmur Zacky’s name.

She attempted to listen without being obvious, and stood against the kitchen wall with her drink.

“I can’t believe this, really. Hooking up with Zack already? I don’t know, I didn’t expect that from her,” she heard Val say.

Lauren felt her heart snap in half, and started to walk away. She needed to find some place to be alone right now. It’s not like she expected everyone to take the news of her and Zacky’s relationship super well, but she also didn’t expect one of her good friends to talk about her like that behind her back.

As she was walking through Matt’s house, she bumped into Matt carrying a case of beer.

“Hey, you good?” he asked, noticing that she was pissed off.

“No, I don’t want to talk,” she mumbled, pushing past him. He was taken aback, but didn’t follow her. He continued into the living room instead.

Once she found Matt’s room, she closed his door over and took a seat on the bed. She needed a moment to breathe and remind herself that she didn’t need everyone to accept her feelings for Zacky. The most important people did and that’s all that mattered. She played with the necklace Brian gave her made of Jimmy’s drum set to distract herself.

“Hey,” Matt said, poking his head in the door. “I figured I’d give you a minute to cool off. You want to tell me what happened now? If you don’t I’ll just get ZV in here to find out,” he smiled. Lauren sighed. Matt was too nice. She told him he could come in, but to close the door.

“Don’t over react, because it isn’t a big deal, but I’m pissed off because I overheard Val saying how she couldn’t believe that I was already hooking up with Zacky, and that she didn’t expect that from me,” Lauren said, using air quotes around Val’s words along with an eye roll. Matt frowned.

“I’m sorry. She’s being kind of a bitch lately between the baby and the fact that I’m leaving her here and she can’t come on tour with us like she usually does. She doesn’t mean anything by that, I’m sure. I’ll talk to her though,” Matt responded.

“Thanks for listening, you’re the best,” she said, giving him a quick hug.

“Any time, now let’s go,” he said, motioning her to the door. “Zacky is going to be looking for you any minute.”


-x-


The next morning, Lauren was just finishing packing her last suitcase for tour when Zacky popped into the doorway.

“Hey babe, the guys are all ready when you are,” he smiled.

“I’m done as of right now,” she replied, zipping up the suitcase. Zacky nodded and came over to her, giving her a peck on the lips as he took the suitcase from her. They walked down the hallway and met up with the guys in the living room.

“I’ll take this out to the bus,” Zacky told her before he walked out the front door.

“You sure you’re ready for this? You’re a little bit of an innocent flower there, Lauren,” Johnny joked.

“Innocent flower? Pretty sure after being around us so long there’s no more innocence left in that girl,” Matt smiled.

“What can I say, I’m corrupted,” Lauren shrugged.

“I’m really excited to have a nurse with us for when Johnny gets shit faced and smashes his head into the concrete,” Brian said, punching Johnny in the shoulder. “I’m usually the one who has to clean up the blood.”

“Oh my god, that happened one time… Maybe twice,” Johnny defended himself. Everyone else roared in laughter as he rolled his eyes.

“I hope Val is going to be alright, and that we’re not too far away when the baby comes so I can fly back here,” Matt said, getting off track with a more serious comment.

“If only you guys would have fucked a week or two earlier… You gotta plan these things out better, Matt,” Johnny replied.

“Suck my fucking ass, Johnny.”

Zacky came back through the front door and declared that the bus driver was ready to leave. All the guys got themselves together and started heading out to the bus one by one to get comfortable. They had a few hours before they got to their first tour destination, where they would meet up with Mike Portnoy, the drummer who’d be filling in for Jimmy this tour. Since he helped the guys finish Nightmare, it seemed appropriate to bring him along for the tour.

Lauren smiled when Zacky came over and wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Ready?” he asked. She nodded. As they walked out together and locked the door, she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d miss this place while she was gone. She was thankful for Jimmy’s parents, who offered to keep an eye on the house while she was gone. She was also thankful to Dr. Kramer. She talked to him a few days ago and let him know that she’d be traveling with the guys, and she also filled him in about everything that had happened with Zacky. He was incredibly happy and supportive of her, and made her promise that she’d call to check in with him while she was on the road. As they walked out to the bus, she had to turn around and take one last look at her home, Jimmy’s home.

“You okay, babe?” Zacky asked, a bit of a confused look on his face.

“I’m good. Let’s go,” she replied, playing with Jimmy’s necklace, which was still hanging around her neck. Zacky smiled and nodded, kissing the side of her face before he led her onto the bus, closing the door behind them.

Notes

If you actually managed to read that entire story AND the alternate ending, I can't thank you enough! This was the ending I originally wrote, but for some reason I wasn't totally happy with it, so I wrote the second ending, which you guys know as the original one. :)

I'd love to hear what you guys think, does anyone have a preference of endings? I just thought it would be neat to include this one, it'll give you guys something extra since the story is over.

Anyways, thanks again! Sequel is in the works. <3