The High Life: Sex, Money, and Drums
Chap. 23
Falling. I’m falling again, and it’s all I can focus on. Like so many times before, I’ve awoken on the cliff and have once again lost my grip. Now I’m like an angel who’s slipped from heavens grasp, falling like a stone into the depths of despair.
Is this to be my eternal fate? To repetitively lose control and drop to the dark swallowing water below, never to resurface unless I awake at the cliff again? Well, whatever fate has paved for me, I know I cannot save myself from this…… from falling, from dying, from hell.
I’m in hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stare in horror at the doctor, unable to comprehend exactly what he just told me.
“I’m pregnant?” he nodded and smiled as if it was the greatest thing in the world.
“You're about two months pregnant, but that’s only a guesstimation considering the wreck muddled up the test results. Fortunately however, the baby wasn’t harmed in the wreck.”
“Well, what’s the date?”
“It’s April 16th, 2009. We scheduled another ultrasound on Wednesday. And we’re going to need a full medical history on the father… This is him, correct?” He asked and laid his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. No one else but me seemed to notice Zacky stiffen at the doc’s words.
I looked up at Jimmy with cloudy eyes, but then that’s when I realized it; what if Zacky was the father? I had sex with both of them around the same time so.... I nodded my head slightly and forced a smile.
"Jimmy is." No, I wouldn't believe that Zacky is the dad. I didn't want that to be true. 'But you know it could be. You could be carrying Zack's child. Ya know, this wouldn't even be a problem if you weren't such a slut.' I shuddered at the voice in my head, but shook it away and said quietly;
"Can you guys leave for a second? I need a private moment with the doc." They nodded and reluctantly left, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the doctor.
"What is it you need to say Ms. Smith?" I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
"Is it possible to do a DNA test on it before it's born?" His expression changed, and I knew he understood.
"No, you would have to wait until after the birth. Look," he sighed and sat on the chair, "I realize now that this may come as a shock, and you might be feeling doubtful. But being a parent is a wonderful experience. I should know; I have two kids myself. You just need to come to terms with it. We can assign you a therapist, if you want." I shook my head and turned away, my dignity gone. He sighed again and left the room, leaving me confused and alone.
I remembered my comatose nightmare, and how my body had been slashed open and a baby pulled out. I had been confused at the time. I thought it was just a part of the dream, but now I know it was true. I rubbed my stomach to see if I could feel it, but only felt my scabs. I had no idea; no throwing up or cravings or other pregnancy traits. Nothing to warn me I was going to be a mother. Was I even ready for this?
Not at all... but wait....... did I have to be? Sinful thoughts swirled around my head, and a plan formed. I needed to give it thought though; this was not a decision to take lightly. And how would everyone react if I did this? No, I needed time. I wrapped the thin gurney blanket around me, trying to figure out how to make it through this. Trying to figure out if a baby was worth the grief that would surely come with it.
~~~~~Later that Night~~~~~~
"How're you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"That's expected I guess." Jimmy was lying in the hospital bed with me, his arms holding me close. Yes I was still scared of him since the nightmares, but I didn't have the conviction to push him away.
"I have a question."
"What?"
"How do you feel about this whole baby business?" His body froze, but his face seemed to fill with joy.
"I've always wanted a son. A little Jimmy to play drums with and take care of... it's always been a nice thought. But to be honest, now that it’s happening, I'm a little overwhelmed."
"I am too. We've only been together 4 months, and then a kid comes along... I don't even want a kid." He glanced at me in surprise.
"You don't?"
"No, not at all."
"Well, there's still 6 months to prepare for it. Let’s not talk about it right now, ok?" I nodded and he suddenly sat up, and reached over to pull something out of his bag. He sat back down and opened the book he had; Dr. Seuss’s One fish Two Fish. I giggled at him. My boyfriend was such a child, I thought. Even though it was a toddler's book, I still settled down as he began reading. I was asleep before he finished.
~~~~~Even later that night~~~~~
My dreams for once weren't haunted by babies and evil doctors, and instead tonight I dreamed about a happy family. They were playing with a little boy, laughing and looking happier than ever. I wonder if that's how my family will be.... if I don't go with the plan that's plagued my thoughts.
Suddenly, I opened my eyes and looked around. A glance out the window told me it was late. I sat up shakily and realized with disappointment that Jimmy was gone. I moved myself out of the hospital bed, into the wheel chair next to it, and rolled over to the window. I opened it as wide as it would go and moved over onto the edge. I stared out at the full moon and starry sky. How beautiful it was out there, peaceful and quiet. How..... Emotionless.
I wondered if there was a god out there, watching over the life inside me. I wondered if he would get mad if I got rid of it. I sighed as if to let go of my worries and closed the window before rolling back to bed. Only time would help me now... only time could help me decide.
Did I want a baby? If I did, was I ready for that? And if not...... would I work up the courage to abort it? That was the sinful thought I bounced back in forth in my head. Was abortion a true way to escape this........? Pulling the covers up to my chin, I drifted off into a fitful doze.
Is this to be my eternal fate? To repetitively lose control and drop to the dark swallowing water below, never to resurface unless I awake at the cliff again? Well, whatever fate has paved for me, I know I cannot save myself from this…… from falling, from dying, from hell.
I’m in hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stare in horror at the doctor, unable to comprehend exactly what he just told me.
“I’m pregnant?” he nodded and smiled as if it was the greatest thing in the world.
“You're about two months pregnant, but that’s only a guesstimation considering the wreck muddled up the test results. Fortunately however, the baby wasn’t harmed in the wreck.”
“Well, what’s the date?”
“It’s April 16th, 2009. We scheduled another ultrasound on Wednesday. And we’re going to need a full medical history on the father… This is him, correct?” He asked and laid his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder. No one else but me seemed to notice Zacky stiffen at the doc’s words.
I looked up at Jimmy with cloudy eyes, but then that’s when I realized it; what if Zacky was the father? I had sex with both of them around the same time so.... I nodded my head slightly and forced a smile.
"Jimmy is." No, I wouldn't believe that Zacky is the dad. I didn't want that to be true. 'But you know it could be. You could be carrying Zack's child. Ya know, this wouldn't even be a problem if you weren't such a slut.' I shuddered at the voice in my head, but shook it away and said quietly;
"Can you guys leave for a second? I need a private moment with the doc." They nodded and reluctantly left, leaving me alone with my thoughts and the doctor.
"What is it you need to say Ms. Smith?" I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
"Is it possible to do a DNA test on it before it's born?" His expression changed, and I knew he understood.
"No, you would have to wait until after the birth. Look," he sighed and sat on the chair, "I realize now that this may come as a shock, and you might be feeling doubtful. But being a parent is a wonderful experience. I should know; I have two kids myself. You just need to come to terms with it. We can assign you a therapist, if you want." I shook my head and turned away, my dignity gone. He sighed again and left the room, leaving me confused and alone.
I remembered my comatose nightmare, and how my body had been slashed open and a baby pulled out. I had been confused at the time. I thought it was just a part of the dream, but now I know it was true. I rubbed my stomach to see if I could feel it, but only felt my scabs. I had no idea; no throwing up or cravings or other pregnancy traits. Nothing to warn me I was going to be a mother. Was I even ready for this?
Not at all... but wait....... did I have to be? Sinful thoughts swirled around my head, and a plan formed. I needed to give it thought though; this was not a decision to take lightly. And how would everyone react if I did this? No, I needed time. I wrapped the thin gurney blanket around me, trying to figure out how to make it through this. Trying to figure out if a baby was worth the grief that would surely come with it.
~~~~~Later that Night~~~~~~
"How're you feeling?"
"Like shit."
"That's expected I guess." Jimmy was lying in the hospital bed with me, his arms holding me close. Yes I was still scared of him since the nightmares, but I didn't have the conviction to push him away.
"I have a question."
"What?"
"How do you feel about this whole baby business?" His body froze, but his face seemed to fill with joy.
"I've always wanted a son. A little Jimmy to play drums with and take care of... it's always been a nice thought. But to be honest, now that it’s happening, I'm a little overwhelmed."
"I am too. We've only been together 4 months, and then a kid comes along... I don't even want a kid." He glanced at me in surprise.
"You don't?"
"No, not at all."
"Well, there's still 6 months to prepare for it. Let’s not talk about it right now, ok?" I nodded and he suddenly sat up, and reached over to pull something out of his bag. He sat back down and opened the book he had; Dr. Seuss’s One fish Two Fish. I giggled at him. My boyfriend was such a child, I thought. Even though it was a toddler's book, I still settled down as he began reading. I was asleep before he finished.
~~~~~Even later that night~~~~~
My dreams for once weren't haunted by babies and evil doctors, and instead tonight I dreamed about a happy family. They were playing with a little boy, laughing and looking happier than ever. I wonder if that's how my family will be.... if I don't go with the plan that's plagued my thoughts.
Suddenly, I opened my eyes and looked around. A glance out the window told me it was late. I sat up shakily and realized with disappointment that Jimmy was gone. I moved myself out of the hospital bed, into the wheel chair next to it, and rolled over to the window. I opened it as wide as it would go and moved over onto the edge. I stared out at the full moon and starry sky. How beautiful it was out there, peaceful and quiet. How..... Emotionless.
I wondered if there was a god out there, watching over the life inside me. I wondered if he would get mad if I got rid of it. I sighed as if to let go of my worries and closed the window before rolling back to bed. Only time would help me now... only time could help me decide.
Did I want a baby? If I did, was I ready for that? And if not...... would I work up the courage to abort it? That was the sinful thought I bounced back in forth in my head. Was abortion a true way to escape this........? Pulling the covers up to my chin, I drifted off into a fitful doze.
@A7xlifeline415
It's keestain poop fingers :3 XD
1/24/14