I jogged up the porch steps, breathing in the March air with glee. It had been weeks since my breakdown at Jimmy's house, and weeks since Zacky's beating. I hadn't talked to him since then, mainly cause Jimmy had me on a tight leash. Today however, I had gotten away and was at Zacky's right now, full ready to apologize for what the shit I had started.

"Coming!" He called after I knocked. When he opened the door, his face twisted in surprise and anger.

"What the hell do you want, Marissa." He spat my name out, with even more hatred than he used to.

"I know you hate me right now, but I came to say sorry. It was all my fault that Jimmy hurt you, and that you're so angry. Please forgive me Zacky!" His gaze softened, I could see he was holding back his feelings. Like I did every day...

"Oh Mari, you're so silly. I was the bastard that hit you, I deserved the beating. You were just a victim, someone I used to get what I wanted. I should be fucking sorry."

"Are you?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, more than ever. Truth is, I haven't been able to sleep or eat or anything not knowing about you. Because I haven't been allowed near you or any of the guys...."

I fell to my knees, feeling more and more awful. I had ruined his friendships, his band, his life. All because of my stupid fucking feelings! Zacky pulled me to my feet, and whispered;

"You might need to leave. If Jimmy sees you here, he'll flip again. And don't worry, I forgive you if you forgive me." After nodding vigorously, I pulled him in for a hug. He hugged me back tightly, and brushed my cheek one last time before shutting the door.

As I jogged back to my car, I wondered if Zacky would ever fully be accepted by the guys again. Matt had told me that the band wasn't done for, that Jimmy just needed to cool his jets. But it had already been over two weeks, how much longer would it take?

I got in my car and drove back to Jimmy's house. As I walked inside, I heard the sound of music coming from the basement. I walked downstairs and saw Jimmy and Johhny playing a duet beat. I cleared my throat, realized they didn't hear me, then yelled as loud as I could. They stopped and turned around, saying hi and throwing me a beer before continuing playing.

How strange, I thought. Usually Jimmy would have ran up to me and kissed me and asked about my morning. Yet today all I got was Hi. I shook my head and went back upstairs, making myself a bowl of cereal after flipping on the t.v.



The next day was terrible. The guys were all having a meeting on what was going to happen with the band, and my anxiety was killing me. I tried shopping, calling my mom, even swimming to take my mind off of it. Nothing helped clear my mind though, and I felt like I was on the verge of another break down.

However, around an hour till midnight, Jimmy finally got back and plopped down on the couch next to me.

"Well?" I asked expectantly.

"Well what?" He snapped. My anxiety got a little bit worse. Obviously something had happened at the meeting that wasn't good.


"Well... How'd the meeting go?"

"Oh, just peachy keen." I stared at him irritated. Why was he being such a bitch? It had seemed like this the entire week, but until yesterday wasn't completely apparent.

"Seriously, what happened. Nothing bad I hope."

"Hmm, the band is taking a music break and canceling the upcoming tour cause of my asshole behavior to my former brother. We could possibly be breaking up for good if I don't get the fuck over it. But that's nothing bad right?"

I gaped at him. He hates Zacky so much that the band could break up cause of it? I got up and stormed out of the room, running into our bedroom. I heard Jimmy call my name, but I ignored it and slammed the door.

A few minutes later, Jimmy stuck his head in.

"What's wrong?"

"Jimmy, it's all my fault! I could be destroying an incredible fucking band and all of your friendships cause of what the shit I did!" He sat on the bed with me and rubbed my back.

"Baby girl, you didn't do anything. It was Zacky hurting you, for some fuckin god forsaken reason, that caused all this shit." I glanced up at him, holding back my sobs. He was so damn clueless, it killed me.

"Yeah, but I made him do it. I egged him on." Not exactly the truth, but not far from it. Jimmy looked around, clearly not used to this situation. I sighed and sat up, wiping away my tears.

"Ya know," Jimmy said, "I wish you wouldn't cry about this. It's not your fault at all, and whatever happens, happens. It'll all work out somehow, I promise."

"You sure?"

"Positive. Now, let’s go to sleep ok?" I nodded and crawled back into the bed, not bothering to change. It was hard to sleep though, cause Jimmy lay on the far side, not wanting to cuddle or be near me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Another few days went by, and my depression and anxiety got worse and worse. I was at the point where waking up every day was a chore, and just seeing Jimmy so sad and angry made me want to kill myself.
I was too afraid to tell him though. He would blame himself, and try to fix me, which I didn't want right now. I wanted to stay stuck. It all felt just like my night terrors, never moving, never thinking. Trapped inside my own little bubble, my own living hell.

After a few days of watching t.v., eating ice cream, and sleeping in the guest room away from Jimmy though, he finally caught on.

"Mari, what's been wrong with you lately? You're so different from how you used to be." I didn't even glance up.

"Meh, I'm watching something. We'll talk later." He grabbed the remote and turned off the t.v.

"Enough is enough Mari! Talk to me. I'm desperate here!" I looked up at him, my heart cracking at the deeply sad look in his eyes. Yet, I couldn't help but remain bitchy and distant.

"I'm sorry? What the fuck do you want me to say?"

"ANYTHING! Just something to let me know you haven't gone fucking insane or something!"

"Anything, there ya happy?" I grumbled and snatched the remote away. He sighed in anger and stomped out, grabbing his keys off the table.

"Where are you going?" I called.

"What’s it to you? It's not like you give two shits what I do anymore!" The door slammed and I glared at my ice cream.

"Who the fuck cares? He doesn't know anything!" I took another bite, then threw the carton at the wall. What the fuck was wrong with me?

"God save my soul..." I whispered and dropped my head into my hands. Then I got an idea. I could completely drop the depression thing without going to a shrink if I could get my hands on one little thing. I leaped to my feet and grabbed my keys, rushing outside for the first time in days.

"It's time to fix this shitty attitude of mine!" I laughed to myself as I drove out of the neighborhood.

I just have to keep Jimmy from finding out....