CAT'S POV

This is it. I'm guilty. I slept with Matt and that's why the wedding's off. You can look for yourself, but you'll find no-one to blame but me and Jimmy. Come on, Cat. Jimmy was just beyond the nirvana and he still remembers screwing Val. Me? I just had a couple of drinks too much and I didn't know a fucking thing. Great.

Why couldn't I just be reasonable for ONCE? Just for Matt's party. I could lose it as often as I liked once they were married. Why did I choose this day? I had to talk to him. The thing was, not only was I feeling guilty, but also mad at him.

He must have noticed how drunk I was, seeing as he still dared to drive. I knew I needed to confront him, but I also knew I needed to wait for my anger to subside. Sure, it takes two people to fuck, but one of them being pissed drunk makes it a whole lot easier.

I decided to wait for a day, at least. I knew that if he was hurt, he got angry easily. Even if it was something really small someone else did, he'd get really pissed and eventually hurt himself like on so many occasions before.

It was a warm summer day in 2002 when Val and Matt had another one of their countless arguments. They'd just moved into their very first apartment together and somehow ended up fighting about some decoration wall or something. Honestly, they had too many arguments for us to recall which one was when exactly.

Anyway, on this very day their discussion got so heated that Matt kicked hard against the kitchen shelf and jumped from the pain. He somehow managed to rip open his foot sole on the shards of the plates he'd smashed to smithers before that. I know that because he called me and I had to take him to the hospitals to get some splinters removed and to get stitches.

Before shit hit the fan, Val had left the house.

See, Matt and Val were like fire and rain. He was the impulsive, uncontrollable fire and she was the one to whitewash everything and talk her way out of it. She was clever enough to just leave him alone, to just let it rain for a while until the fire was in control again. They never really made up for something or even talked about it a second time, his anger just subsided because he saw that he needed her.

So, that's the story about fire and rain. But me, I am the gasoline. When Matt and I start fighting, we scream at each other for hours until our voices dry out and we're completely exhausted and don't even have any more insults to say. But every time, we find a solution, we find a reason, and we are completely honest.

Matt and I drove each other insane in our fire-meet-gasoline way, but at the end of the day we'd always make up. And I knew Matt was suffering already, I didn't want to put him through another exhausting fight with me. Maybe nothing happened anyway, I tried to convince myself.

But it all made perfect sense, so why wouldn't it be true? I was drunk. I knew he thought I was hot. I didn't remember a thing about that night, only that I woke up in nothing but my underwear. And now, all of a sudden, I hear he's not getting married. If not that, then what else was I supposed to think?

I finally arrived back at my house. It was a lazy Monday and I decided to ask the guys if they wanted to have a lazy movie night later. I knew I would have plenty of time to take a long bubble bath before, and that was something I really longed for. I needed to, at least metaphorically, wash the guilt off.

I shouldn't have been that drunk. I mean, I should have known he was going to hit on me, right? But... how could I have told? We were always just friends, and for almost eight years, it worked out perfectly fine. Not once did I think of him as more, and not once did I suspect him to. So why now?

I was so deep in thoughts that my heart stopped for a few seconds when Mom suddenly appeared in the living room. "Caitlin, you scared us yesterday," she complained with a frown. Oh damn, yeah I was really drunk. "I'm sorry Mom, I kinda just..."

I started to apologize, but she cut me off, "It's alright though, people your age are supposed to party like that, I wasn't any different. I heard your friend Matt bring you to bed. I checked on you after he was gone. He thought of everything, such a nice young man."

I felt my cheeks turn red and hot. Wait, she checked on me? Right after we probably...? Maybe she knows... "Oh, I'll have to thank him then. It was his party, after all...," I replied. Or rather supposed to be his party... "Was he here long?" I then bravely asked, dreading the answer.


MATT'S POV

It was slowly getting dark in Huntington. It was cloudy and surprisingly cold, almost as if the weather was adjusting to my mood. I was sitting on the beach at the guys' and my secret hangout spot that no-one seemed to know besides us. I stared at the ocean, just like I'd done the past few hours.

Big, heavy waves were crashing onto the shore, foamed up and then disappeared as quickly as they had come. It never ceased to amaze me how the rogue waves could look intimidating, almost as if they were going to destroy everything, and the next minute vanish and leave behind a mirror-like sea. I could only hope that in my life, it would be like one of those waves. Quick, sharp pain like now, and then a smooth surface again.

I sighed at how ridiculous my wish was. I stared at the darkening sky. The moon seemed to project Val's face onto the dark grey rainstorm-shot clouds with the puppy eyes. She was wherever I looked, there wasn't a single place around home, not a single song, not a single fucking thing that didn't remind me of her and of my big failure at making the woman I loved my one and only future.

I opened another bottle of beer and took a long gulp. I hated drinking alone, but I just wasn't able to bear that excruciating pain in a clear state of mind. How could it end like this? Where did we go wrong? Everything was so perfect in the beginning, but from the beginning on it steadily deteriorated.

Even to this day, I remember the first time I saw Valary as if it was only yesterday.

It was the day I started middle school, and I didn't want to go at first. All of my friends from elementary school went to another middle school around here and I thought I would never find new friends again.

My mom dressed me in some jeans and a hoodie, and she made me wear the ugly nato-green parka she'd just bought me days earlier. I hated the thing, and I was sure nobody would take me seriously in that winter jacket, seeing as it was only September. So, typically me, the first thing I did when I left the house was take off my parka and put it in my way too big schoolbag.

During lunch break our tutor made us go outside to the playground, and I had to realize that it was a bit chilly. The cool guy I was, I didn't take out my parka of course, I'd rather died than wear that thing. But as I was chatting to some stranger called Brian, who would become one of my best friends later, I noticed a pretty blond girl sitting across us.

She was wearing nato-green pants and a pink Barbie t-shirt with short sleeves, and she was rubbing her arms, obviously trying to keep herself warm. She was so fragile, so tiny. Before I could even think about it, I heard myself say, "Hey Barbie, are you cold? I got another jacket."

She took my jacket and we started talking. It was exactly the same color as her pants, and she thought that was really cool. When I came home, I whistled constantly, and when I put my parka back onto the hall stand, I thought that it wasn't so ugly, after all. From that day on, that parka was my favorite jacket, especially since that cute little blonde wore it every lunch break.

Even after all these years, after everything that happened, I still couldn't help but smile at that bittersweet, innocent memory. Did she ever think about it, too? Did it make her smile? What is she doing now, I wondered.

Is she angry, throwing plates and cups against the wall? Does she blame me, regret the time she spent with me? Does she wish she could turn back time and never get with me? Or is she sad, staring at pictures and letters? Does she blame herself, regret that she didn't try hard enough? Does she wish she could turn back time and try harder? Does she even care at all?

By now, it was dark. Thick, heavy white clouds were covering the moon and the billions of stars. The sky appeared to be a jet black veil, covering everything in a numbing darkness. It seemed the weather was adjusting to my state of mind.

Notes

hey guys, hope you like the update. Don't worry, the actual story is coming soon, you just need a lot of knowledge beforehand :)