My Fucking Nightmare

Over the course of a couple beers and some television I had dozed off at some point in the night, only to be rudely awoken by Phil and his antics. As usual. He wanted to inform me that the record label was demanding us to speed our shit up and start our final tour as soon as possible. His aim was to leave within the next couple weeks, be done just before Thanksgiving, and produce and release the next album by the New Year. I hope he was talking about the fucking Chinese New Year because there was no way we were ready to start hunkering down with what little we had for the next album.
Secondly, I don’t think that as of this point in time with there being over hundreds of shows and tours and promotions that we don’t just hop on a fucking plane and shoot around the world. That shit comes out of pocket. Frankly, I didn’t want to fork out all the cash for hotels and meals and transportation until we got some sponsorship like the record label initially promised.
And then the other thing that really yanked on my chain was how bewilderingly stupid he was when it came to remembering that half of us had families and households and responsibilities that couldn’t just be left behind on a whim. Not like it was before, anyway, in the beginning years. When everything we owned still belonged in our childhood bedrooms, and we could pile on top of each other in Jimmy’s shitty bus.
Now we had houses, wives and kids, pets. We had lives. It was hard enough coordinating full days when families came first. Avenged was fizzling out, plain and simple. As for myself, I just didn’t have the heart anymore. I didn’t have the sight I first had when we started up and thought we could be the next Metallica. The next Black Sabbath or Iron Maiden. We started young, and while the idea of a global network of fans still appealed to my excitement, I wanted to quit while we were ahead. Another album, sure. But with time to get our shit together first.
I shot out a couple mass texts to everyone, telling them what Phil had told me. It was late, so I half-expected a mix between super pissed off responses from being woken up or no response until morning. Well, Jimmy called. Told me to pop over for a brew or two, since his old lady was working graveyard and wouldn’t be home for another couple hours. I had a couple beer in my system so driving wasn’t something I should have done, but loneliness only goes so far before it becomes boredom.
Plus Jim had this new console with that game I’ve been meaning to try, Call of Duty, and probably a bunch of booze needing to be poured.
When I got there I waltzed through the door, the game paused as he made a drink in the kitchen. “What do you want, Shads?” he belted from the counter. The Jack and coke concoction made my mouth water. “The usual?”
“Rocks is fine. Game looks cool.” While tempted to hit play, I recalled the last time I got Jimmy killed on a mission it resulted in some pretty heinous and vulgar slurs being uttered. He liked his games. Easy said and done. He came out and passed my Jack on the rocks, and I took a nice and long swig. Well needed, much deserved. “How far in did you get?”
“Just over halfway.” He immediately adhered to the screen, pausing only at death to take a sip. “I hear you got a call from Phil. What’s the verdict? When do we leave?”
I scratched the back of my head. “Well, I told him it was up to what the money said. I’m not paying for fuck all like last time. If we didn’t sell out as many shows as we did, I’d have been screwed out of a paycheque. Not fucking doing that again.”
“Promotions. Interviews. Photoshoots. We’ve done enough for the label, man. Fuck those guys. I’d like to kick back for a year and see what happens.” He cussed and smacked the table when the screen went red again. “Fucking Nazis!” he yelled, giving his voice a little hitch before passing me the controller. Sit back and watch, jackass. “Jamie won’t like it, man. We’re trying for a kid and she’s alone enough as it is with the new album shit. Zack’s kids start school in the fall. And Brian and Melissa…they just got engaged, and they’re having a”—nope. Didn’t wanna hear that again.
“A baby, yeah. I know. Bad timing.” I felt my face flush as the temper flared and calmed again. Hadn’t noticed that I almost snapped the controller in half. Gently I set it on the coffee table in front of me, sliding it down towards Jimmy on the other end. “Sorry, man. The whole baby thing…”
He eyed me funnily, cocking an eyebrow. “Didn’t think it was such a sore spot for you anymore, man.” Fuck. Was I obligated to tell him what happened? No. It would only make everything worse. Oh, fuck it all anyway. “Something…happened a while ago that wasn’t supposed to and I’m kinda freaking out a little.”
Swishing a big mouthful of Jack and coke around his mouth, he swallowed hard. Wouldn’t take his eyes off me for a second. “What did you do? Rather, who did you do?”
Oh god, he knew. “Nothing, Jim. Fuck. Since the hospital something weird was going on. Something…inside my head. And it sounded crazy at first, but I went and saw this medium.”
Jim slowly nodded and kicked his feet up. “Before you go on, dude, I just want to advise you that Jamie’s sister…or cousin, can’t remember, doesn’t matter…is a medium and told Jamie there was something off about you. She knew something. Wouldn’t tell Jamie, definitely wouldn’t tell me. So now I’m confused as hell and a little hurt that you wouldn’t come to old Jimmy about whatever it is you got going on.”
I sighed and finished the rest of the Jack. Mm, watered down Jack. “When I was in the hospital, Jim. It started there. The medium said I picked something up. Some kind of energy. Like a spirit without attachment to a prior life, I guess. She said it was pretty rare, so my understanding is kinda limited. Either way, this…thing had a polar attraction to Melissa. She was there in the hospital too, lots more than Brian. Even you.”
He cleared his throat. “No offense man, but none of us wanted anything to do with you at that point of time.”
“No, I understand. I remember it all pretty clearly. There was this moment I had with her where she looked like she was ready to break. I dunno. I remember her talking about her unhappiness. Being overwhelmed. Scared to death to lose me. Look, there was just something.”
“Relax, dude. I’m listening.”
I sighed in anxious relief. “I started having this…hatred. Like, profound hatred for Brian. He was supposed to be there with her, making sure I didn’t hurt her or myself. I punched him, yes. At the bar. I punched him and that was the last time I saw him for ages. And yet in all of that, she came to see me. She saw how I behaved and though thick and thin she came to see me.”
Jim bent over, shaking his head. His eyes closed, lips pursed. Sheer disappointment. “Melissa’s a very caring person. You just took it to heart is all that happened there.”
“That’s not what the medium said.”
“No? Go on.”
I sighed again, this time knowing I was raising all sorts of red flags. “Jim, I need you to tell me that everything I say is going to stick between us two. Don’t need it brought up in front of others, don’t ever wanna talk about it unless it’s just me and you. Got it?”
“Holy fuck, Matt. Just come out and talk about it, man. Pretty soon Jamie is gonna come home and we’re gonna kick you out and have wild sex. Sorry, but you can’t stay for that.”
I rolled my eyes. “Wouldn’t wanna see your scrawny ass anyway. Fine, okay. You get it. Before I went to the medium and just after I guess I picked this spirit up, I started having really vivid dreams. Like the kind where you walk with Jesus along the shoreline. Or you’re flying and the plane crashes. Just, really stupid, vivid dreams. Only you think you’re awake because in the corner you see her. Or you hear her. Eventually she’s there, sitting with you on the couch. And you wake up and she never was.” I paused for a second, thinking I heard Jamie at the door. “So then you start hearing things in a different voice. You know, different from the voice you recognize in your own head. A girl’s voice. Her voice.”
He wasn’t sure how to look at me. Bug eyed and hunched over one knee, unsure of what to say, Jimmy wiped a few lost locks of hair from his eyes. “So you started hearing a woman’s voice in your head. Melissa’s voice. In your head. Okay, because that totally happens. You’re not using drugs are you?”
“Jimmy, for fuck sakes. No. I’m being serious here. Eventually it started to become more than her voice. I saw things I shouldn’t have been able to see. Her walking down the hallway to the bedroom, or her bathroom. Or saying hello to Brian in the morning. I saw what she dreamed about at night. The writing she did on her laptop and on the notepads for work. Or her journal. Some interesting shit in there, I should add.”
“Oh, shut up and get it out.” he groaned.
With a deep breath, I closed my eyes and recalled in every single detail what I’d seen, heard and done. Even the repulsive, weird, nasty bits with the sex with Brian. Everything got told. And at first his doubt became bewilderment, which became denial, and eventually realization that this was what Jamie meant when she was on the phone asking her cousin about why Melissa and I were “special”.
For now, I excluded the part about Vegas. That would complicate things.
He got up to his feet and took my empty drink to fix another. “Same thing?”
“Yeah, same thing.”
“Well, keep going. I’m listening.”
Truth was, I wasn’t sure what was left to be told. “The medium thinks we’re soulmates and that I’m dangerously jealous of Brian. She knew about the miscarriage, about the marriage, about Harriet cheating on me. She didn’t have to say it but she knew. I could see it in her eyes. That weird expression of pity, I’m telling you.”
Jimmy paused for a moment after passing my drink back. Probably soaking it all in again. “Does Melissa know about any of this?”
“Yes. She had the same thing happen.”
“So she knows about the medium and everything.”
I nodded. “Melissa…was there with me. In Vegas.”
He pinched my arm. “What the fuck, Matt?! You went to Vegas so you could see this crock of shit medium? Okay, fine. Why don’t I just call up Jamie’s medium cousin and get her to sit down with us and confirm all this weird shit?”
“Because I don’t need Brian fucking hearing about how Melissa and I spent the weekend in Vegas.”
His face went blank, ghostlike. “You…you didn’t…”
“Didn’t what?”
“Matt. Oh, no. Why would you do that, man? Why would you do Brian like that? That’s his girl. Oh, you probably fucked it all up now.”
I snapped my fingers and brought him back down to earth. “Listen, I don’t know what you think you know. But frankly I don’t want you or need you jumping to conclusions. Some fucked up shit happened in Vegas and I don’t have anyone to fucking talk to about it. Melissa doesn’t remember a goddamn thing and now she and Brian are having this fucking baby…”
“What is it about the baby that’s got you all messed up like that, man? Cuz it isn’t yours, right? You’re in love with her and wish it was yours?”
I hung my head low and quieted for a moment or two before I was starting to choke back tears. Ugly, make my whole face turn red tears. “I think it is mine.”
Jimmy sprayed me with his drink. “You fucking dick, Matt! So you did sleep with her! What the fuck were you thinking man, even being in Vegas? What if Brian finds out?”
“He won’t because she doesn’t fucking remember and you’re not gonna tell a soul.” My heart was beating out of my chest. It was gonna explode before I got all this out. “I don’t know whether what I did was a mistake or not. I don’t…feel guilty. I’m not angry or anything, except about her not remembering I guess. Probably for the best. I don’t need that kind of drama right now. Man, what the fuck do I do?”
“You better pray to god the kid is Brian’s,” Jimmy said with a sigh. “Or you’ll be buried down in one deep grave. On the bright side, I’m sure she’d be down there with you.”
“Thanks, Jim.” Christ, did it feel like a weight was lifted. All the same I now had a different kind of burden to carry: the everlasting fear of Jimmy accidentally letting it slip. So many upcoming drunken nights to be spent together all in one group. For now, I took it all on faith. Let fate take the reins from here on out and hope for the best. Besides, look how well I already got on luck alone.

Notes