My Fucking Nightmare

I hated hospitals. God, I hated hospitals. In general, hospitals were creepy. That’s how television portrayed them as, anyway. Sick people on television shows always seem way sicker than they really are, until there comes a realization that most of those shows are pretty accurate. General, Grey’s Anatomy. ER. There’s always so much blood. That’s not always the case, though. Matt’s case was just a lot of IV fluids and an EKG machine making sure his heart didn’t stop.
The doctor that saw him said he was suffering from alcohol poisoning, thus causing his heart to stop. He’d consumed so much liquor in a short period of time that he blacked out, lost control of his limbs, and fell unconscious. He didn’t suffer any long-term damage, but that was the scary part. We had no idea when he was going to wake up. That itself was the scariest thing, the uncertainty.
At that point, the fourth or fifth hour of being in that god-awful waiting room, nurses came by to offer us updates. We refused to go in. All of us. In fact, I wasn’t sure who was the angriest out of the four of the other guys. I wanted to drag Harriet up here by her hair and show her what she’d done. However, the damage was already done. She showed no remorse. She didn’t pity Matt. As far as she was concerned, leaving her alone for a year was cardinal sin. Kinda backwards, I thought, but whatever. Maybe she didn’t have the stones it took that the rest of us band women had.
I decided to not be a coward after another hour of moping in the waiting room, so I walked to Matt’s room and sat watching him in one of the chairs they provided. I waited for him to wake up, knowing he probably wouldn’t for some time. For a while I sat there, staring into his sunken eyes. Imagining the blues of his irises when he opened them. I wanted to smother him with a fucking pillow for doing this to us.
And another part of me wanted nothing more than to crawl into the bed with him and keep him company. He needed the company. He needed it more than anyone at the time.
Brian joined me after what seemed like eternity. It was clear he’d been crying. His eyes were red and puffy. I’ll be honest, I can’t recall ever seeing Brian cry like this. So, naturally, I started crying too. And we sobbed together for so long. Eventually Brian stopped and looked down at me, not sure what to say. I told him to take the boys and go home, wait for me. I’d stay with him for a while longer, see if he woke up. It was easier for me to do it anyway, since I hadn’t known him as long as everyone else had.
Agreeing, Brian gathered up the other three and they all left, and I promised I’d call them if anything changed. I crept back to his room, careful not to disturb any of the other patients, and sat back in that godawful chair, waiting.
At that point I was absolutely exhausted. Just dog tired. So I closed my eyes for a while. And I must have dozed off for at least a few hours, because when I woke, I woke to people talking. Well, a person talking. Someone saying my name. It was Matt. Oh, god he was awake…
I rushed to his bedside, kneeling on the hard ground, waiting for him to say something. “Your phone’s been going off non-stop.” He croaked. “Kinda hard to sleep through.”
I blushed and pulled my phone from my pocket. “Oh, I’m so sorry. It’s just Brian and everyone wondering how you’re doing. Should I tell them you’re awake?”
“No. You’re the only person who should be here. I don’t need to see them after that shit I pulled today.” His words were slurred still. I wondered if maybe he did suffer from some deficits since he hadn’t been breathing for a good ten or fifteen minutes back home. Ugh, I wonder if he even remembered what happened. “Thank you for sticking around.”
Nodding, I grabbed his IV-free hand. It was still cold and clammy, but had retained some colour. “You scared the hell out of us today, Matt. What were you thinking?” He didn’t answer. Annoyed, I squeezed his fingers harder. “I know what you were thinking. You wanted revenge. And you didn’t care how you were gonna get it. You just wanted it. And there was nothing anyone could have done, because you’re dedicated to your word. But please, tell me why you’d want to throw it all away for someone like Harriet?”
“Don’t you get it? This isn’t the first time it’s happened.” He coughed and cringed from the pain of the bile burning his throat. “The first girl that left me broke my heart in half. I barely stitched it together. The band kept me going. And then Brian met you. I met Harriet through you. I thought I could be happy like you and Brian are.”
I sighed. “Matt, if I’d have known she would treat you like this, I wouldn’t have given you her number. I didn’t know. She wanted to be like me too. She was jealous I had a famous boyfriend. Only she didn’t think of all the little quirks that came with it…the long periods where you guys were away on tour. The many days wondering if you’re still alive, if you’re still thinking of us back at home. It’s hard. I too was starting to feel the doubt. That little black seed that implants in the brain and makes itself at home. Not something that’s so easy to shake.”
He nodded. Not saying anything, he squeezed my hand and I watched as he began to cry. Now that was something weird. Matt crying. Who’d have known? “Can I get you anything?”
“Water, please.” I passed him a half-full cup of cool, icy water. He slurped it back slowly, wincing still at the pain, but felt the cool relief. “Thank you. Are you staying long?”
I shrugged. Hadn’t really thought about how long I’d stay, honestly. “I guess I’ll stay ‘til they kick me out.”
“Okay.” He closed his eyes again for a few seconds, long enough I’d hoped to not watch me pull off my sweater. The bed seemed wide enough for two of us to fit comfortably, so I told him to slide over and make some room for me. I crawled up beside him and pulled the thin blanket over us both. He still reeked of liquor—and now like iodine, that creepy hospital smell—but it was now tolerable to an extent. For a second I felt his heart rate hasten. He squeezed my hand harder, wrapping his IV-hand around my waist to make sure I wouldn’t roll off the gurney. “Thank you for being here. I don’t mean to be so petty. But you and Brian are so perfect, and it’s all I’ve been able to think about. Just the bond you guys share.”
I nodded, leaning my head into his chest. I was so tired now, and I’d just texted Brian and told him that nothing had changed. He didn’t need to know Matt was awake and talking just yet. And it seemed that Matt and I had a lot of talking to do about everything.

~
I must have laid with Matt for hours. We didn’t talk, just rested in each other’s arms, waiting for a moment to come along where saying something was appropriate. In all honesty, I was glad for the silence. The last couple of days were a total emotional roller coaster. My boyfriend was beating on this man’s chest, trying to revive him, and all for what? For them to go home and carry on like nothing had happened?
It probably wasn’t like that, but I was angry. Their friend almost died today, and just with me telling them to go home and wait for my call…
I probably should have called Brian by now, but visiting hours were over, and the hospital didn’t need them coming and starting up another argument. Matt was emotional and vulnerable, and very, very sick. He needed emotional support. Someone to sit with him and validate whatever he was feeling. I didn’t mean to do what I was doing to insult Brian in any way either, because I didn’t need him to think I was leaving him for Matt. Brian was the love of my life. Matt was his brother. I was just the outsider.
Just as I finished that thought, my phone started ringing in my pocket. I hadn’t realized what time it was, as it was shortly after midnight. I picked up and tried my best to sound as tired and upset as I could. “Hey, hon.”
“Hey, is he awake yet?”
I yawned, for real this time. “No, not yet. His vitals are stable now, though. And he was extubated a while ago.” Matt wasn’t even intubated, and I knew they were way too pissed to notice that the tubes coming out of his mouth were actually pumping his stomach. “He hasn’t even stirred. Probably doesn’t even know I’m here.”
Brian sighed. “Are you sure you want to be there? I can come get you.”
“No, no. I’m quite alright. He needs someone here in case he wakes. How are you guys doing?”
“Yeah, we’re all just a little shaken. Probably gonna take a break from drinking for a while. Johnny just left. The other two were with their wives the whole night.”
I coughed a little, trying to stifle it as best I could without waking him. “Do you want me to come home?” As I said that, I watched Matt’s eyes open up, and his arm around my waist tightened.
“No, no. Stay. I’ll be there in the morning. You’re probably the only person he would want to see anyway.” I could hear the fatigue in his voice. “Well, I should go. Do you have a bunk set up or something?”
“Yes, yes the nurses set one up. I’m okay, hon. I’ll see you in the morning, okay? I love you.”
He hung up after saying his goodbyes, and I tossed the phone back onto the chair. Wouldn’t be needing it anymore that night. I curled back up into Matt’s chest and listened to his heartbeat. “I’m sorry if that woke you.” I whispered, trying to focus on his face in the low light of the room.
He shook his head slowly, the cannula in his nose wiggling across his lips. “I haven’t really been sleeping since you got here. You know, in the gurney with me. It’s nice.”
I nodded, raising my arm up to wrap my fingers in his hair. It was just long enough that I could it and hold him still. Didn’t want to feel like he was slipping away again. Occasionally an orderly would come by and check on us, fill up Matt’s water jug, offer him food. He’d always pretend to be asleep. Surprisingly they didn’t care if I was in the gurney with him, unless I was cutting off the oxygen supply to his cannula.
For a couple hours in the middle of the night, we were joking around. Talking about what would have happened if Harriet broke Brian’s heart, and if Brian were the one in the gurney instead. I couldn’t fathom thinking about it, and told Matt that it broke my heart seeing him or even imagining Brian in this much pain. He didn’t deserve it. Like Brian, Matt was one of the gentlest men I’d ever met.
My problem was that I was starting to get confused with my feelings. It was hard, remembering the situation wasn’t as light as he and I made it out to be. It wasn’t something to joke about. He had written a goodbye note and put it by her picture. When I asked him about it, he simply rejected the question. I brought it up a couple more times, hoping to get a rise out of him, or maybe a functional answer. But in reality it just made him angrier.
For a whole ten minutes he tried ignoring me, pretending I wasn’t there. And it was okay. He was allowed to feel as hurt as he was. But I pushed my fingers through his hair again a couple times, hoping to trigger a more positive reaction. Without any results, I gave up, and rested my head on his chest again. Only this time, he bent his neck downwards, and pulled my face up, and planted a quick kiss across my lips, then tucked his head into his pillow pretending that nothing had happened. “I’m gonna try and get some sleep now, darlin’.”
“O—okay.” I choked out as quietly as I could. What the fuck just happened? Matt kissed me. Matt kissed me? Yes. He kissed me. And now he’s asleep, like kissing me is totally a normal thing to do. Alright, stop. He’s an attractive guy. Like really, really stupidly hot. Kinda like Brian, but in an edgier way. It was hard to explain. Oh, god though. The hormones surging through me, and the adrenaline. I didn’t know what to do. Like how was I supposed to just forget about it? And what if he forgot it was me lying in this bed with him, and thought it was Harriet instead? No, that’s not possible. He’s too angry with her.
My best guess was that I was the one subtle reminder that life wasn’t so bad. He went from angry gorilla-man to head-over-heels husband again. I couldn’t handle this. I tried to get up to pee and splash water on my face, but even when he was supposed to be unconscious, his grip around me tightened. If I pissed on his leg he wouldn’t be too adamant about kissing me, now would he?
Okay, it was just a fucking kiss. No one saw it, no one heard it. It’s not like he tried jumping my bones or anything. And I was pretty sure his dick was incapacitated by a catheter so I didn’t have to worry about being poked by any kind of wood. Providing they gave him a paralytic to go with it. Brian said he’d be here first thing in the morning. So what if he walked into the room and found that I was spooning his half-naked best friend? How bad would that look, right?
I tried forgetting about the needing to pee for a little while longer. Another orderly came by, asked if we needed anything. I asked him to hand me my cell phone on the chair and tried to bribe him to give me a catheter too, since I was goddamn near dripping down my leg, but the orderly quietly chuckled and pointed out that Matt’s grip had definitely loosened. He offered to bring another cot into the room so I had a comfier bed to sleep on for the night, and I graciously accepted. When Matt woke up he’d have to understand that for my relationship’s sake, I’d need to sleep in my own bunk.
I rushed to the room’s bathroom, careful not to slam the door. I peed, and god what a wonderful pee it was. Then splashed a generous amount of water on my face, looking in the mirror. Seeing if the redness from the embarrassment had finally gone away. I shut out the light and left to find the orderly and another nurse had started setting up the cot as they’d offered. They brought a couple pillows and another thin, cotton blanket and spread it out like they would a gurney. I thanked them and sat down, checking my phone for any messages I might have missed.
There was a message from both Jimmy and Zack asking if he’d woken yet. It was quite late though, and texting them would only cause more problems than any of us needed right now, so I put the phone away again and tried closing my eyes.
Matt stirred a couple times throughout the few hours I tried but failed to sleep. I thought I heard crying or whimpering coming from him, but figured it was just a dream, but I got up and checked to be sure. Ugh, it was too much to not coddle the poor man. Make him feel wanted again. I brushed his hair with my fingers a few times, like I did while he was awake, bending down so our noses were touching. Then I leaned in and planted a kiss of my own across his lips, waking him from a dead sleep. He pulled me in more with two very strong hands, damn near ripping my head off in the process. I shrieked in both pain and surprise, not knowing where the hell that came from, or why I decided to even do that.
He cleared his throat, and then spoke, his voice raspy and full of broken sleep. “Guess the feeling is mutual then.”
Without knowing what to say, I left the room, hoping that a walk to the cafeteria on the main floor would clear my mind, as well as a nice cup of coffee, since it was now totally evident that I wouldn’t be getting a wink of sleep that night.
It was shortly after five, read the clock on the wall of the cafeteria. The low light made it hard for my eyes to adjust, but there were at least two other people with me down there, each looking as cross as I was. For a moment I had to reflect on why I felt so offended by my desire to kiss Matt. I wasn’t consciously trying to, obviously, but hell. Resistance was becoming futile.
When I got back to his room, he was sound asleep again. I made sure I didn’t make a single noise. Not a squeak or a bump. Anything that would rouse him and tempt me to take it one step further. It was a shame he wasn’t Brian. And then my mind started wandering to the one scenario I never thought I’d ever think of: sleeping with the two of them. A devil’s threesome. That sure got the juices flowing.
Although as quick as that wonderful thought entered my mind, I shut it out just as fast, and laid back down on the cot to close my eyes and rest them until Brian showed up. Then I’d go home and avoid the awkwardness altogether.
But it wasn’t that easy. Matt was on my mind now, and I just had a taste of his kiss. I sent god a quick prayer asking for the strength to resist that beautiful hunk of man for as long as I could, until one day I could have my cake and eat it too.

Notes