My Fucking Nightmare

I woke late in the morning, sometime between ten and eleven, groggily trying to lift my head off the pillow for the whole hour. Recalled some dreams I had that night—some good, some bad. Nothing out of the ordinary, except Brian was in all of them. I kept my phone on charge on the dresser as I pulled a clean shirt over my head and slid into a pair of grey yoga pants. A suitable attire for scrubbing floors and bathtub tiles.
Harriet hadn’t come out of her bedroom aside from using the bathroom and finding more boxes of tissues to soothe her aching heart. I felt awful, but she was probably sleeping, so I left her alone. Placed my earbuds in my ears and turned up some alternative punk rock. Nothing too spectacular as my taste in music depended on my mood. Something somber yet pumped with bass so I could scrub dishes to a beat. Some might call it motivation. I called it background noise, a small comfort in an otherwise quiet apartment. As much as my obsession with Brian was growing, I avoided the few songs I had of his altogether. I couldn’t torture myself with that just yet. Plus I hadn’t yet developed a full taste for their style.
Several hours went by and I was pacing back and forth in my bedroom in debate as to whether I should have called him or not. Temptation soon prevailed, and I picked up the device, pulled up his name, and sent him a text. Just a “hey, it’s Melissa”. He responded in a matter of seconds with a “hey, wasn’t sure if you ditched the number or not” with a tacky wink face following suit. I blushed again, asked him how his day was. Began picking up small talk to break the ice a little bit.
Then he called me. My heart stopped dead. “Sorry, I got sick of texting. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get together for a drink or coffee, maybe a late lunch.” I glanced at the clock: just past two. “Been stuck at home bored all day, basically waiting around the phone for your call.” I could hear a tinge in his voice. It wasn’t desperate longing, but genuine curiosity, something that might not be so bad to slowly approach.
I cleared my voice before responding. Talk about a serious case of cotton mouth. “Oh, I…I would love to.”
“Ever been on a motorcycle before?”
My heart fluttered. “Definitely not.”
He chuckled. “Great, I’ll pick you up. Mind giving me your address?” he wasn’t forward enough to make me uncomfortable. It was relieving. I definitely felt that if I was uncomfortable he would be courteous enough to back off. So with a great feeling of happiness and security, I gave him my address. “The apartment complex with the big garden. Just rev the engine when you’re outside.”
He snorted and shuffled on his end. I could hear the barking of a little dog. “I’ve driven by that place a few times. Couldn’t miss it. Be there shortly.” We exchanged several awkward goodbyes and I ended the call and held the phone to my chest. I could hear Harry shuffling outside my bedroom door in the hallway. When I opened the door I found her leaning on the wall as though she were anticipating on lecturing me about the dangers of boys. “You broke the three day rule. You’re definitely screwed.”
I rolled my eyes and passively pushed past her. I was really starting to not enjoy her profoundly agitated attitude. “Brian told me he’d have done the same too. Guess we really hit it off yesterday. Leaving to see him in a few minutes.”
“So tell me about him.” she barked. “I’m happy for you, Melissa. I am. It’s hard for me right now because I wasted so…much…time…with Marc. But I wanna know about him.”
I stopped for a moment to hush my breathing. “Well, for starters, he’s drop-dead gorgeous. Stunning smile, handsome eyes. Very well groomed. He’s in this band you listen to.”
Her jaw slacked. “Which band? You said his name was Brian?”
“Uh, can we talk about this later? I’m kind of in a rush to meet him. I think I can hear his bike.”
She cocked an eyebrow and turned away to walk back into her room. “Fine, but we’re sitting down with a bottle of wine tonight and you’re telling me everything.”
Just as I was about to shut the door behind me, swinging my coat on over my shoulder as I went, I smiled and said, “Look him up online. Brian, Avenged Sevenfold.” Harriet’s jaw dropped. As I closed the door she let her cell phone drop to the floor. I knew she’d be frantic when I got home tonight, which somewhat concerned me. But I was about to meet with him. And right on time I heard the sputtering engine of his motorcycle as he revved it several times. My smile came back and I let my hair down, letting it sway in the wind.
He met me outside and handed me his helmet. It was covered in different band logo stickers, the most prominent being his Deathbat. “No helmet for you?” I asked with a bit of a flirtatious sneer, passing on a wink as well.
He shook his head and helped me climb onto the bike. His long and wild hair was tied down by a blue bandana. “Should we grab a coffee or a beer?”
I shrugged and tucked myself into him as he climbed onto the bike, and kicked up the stand. “Surprise me.” I hollered over the sound of the engine and laughed as we took off. I barely noticed Harriet staring out her bedroom window in disbelief.
We barrelled down the road on his bike. This was the first time I’d ever ridden a motorcycle; it was quite scary at first but he kept reassuring me that the tighter I held on, the better off I’d be. It was chilly, the open wind, even though I wore a nice jacket. Los Angeles rarely got chilly. I wasn’t exactly sure how he was able to ride in a tee and jeans. A tight tee I might add. At one point he offered me his jacket he kept in the saddlebag, but I didn’t want to impose. Or seem like a little wimp.
When we arrived it was a cozy little place by Venice Beach. It was homely and represented the heart of Hollywood and its surroundings. “The boys and I hang out here from time to time. Beer’s a buck at happy hour. Fifty cents at five on Fridays. Nice beach spot too, if you’re into that.”
I was in love with the view. “This is incredible. It’s pretty low-key for you guys though, isn’t it?” he helped me off the bike and tucked the helmet into the saddlebag on the back of the bike. In turn he pulled out the same hat he wore the day I met him. He grabbed my hand and dragged me inside, flagging down a table. I felt like we were in an interview rather than on a date. His presence attracted the attention of most of the people in the bar. It was a first-name basis.
A waitress with huge breasts came over with a menu. I surely wasn’t hungry but I figured Brian wasn’t about to indulge in a few beers without some chow. “Welcome back, Brian! How’s things?” she chirped. I wasn’t sure how to react. These guys must have been generous tippers.
However, rather than indulging in the waitress’ stunning looks, he could hardly keep his eyes off me. “Things have been great, Tish.” Tish? Trashy. “First time coming here without the others. Little more of a special occasion today.” He grinned and bared his stunningly white teeth. His cheeks dimpled and the colour rushed into his face.
She nodded, a little less than pleased, and awkwardly grabbed her notepad from her pants pocket. “Well, good to see you again. What can I get for you today?” I was slightly aesthetically thrilled that I threw a loop in her day; seems like Tish was used to being flirtatious whenever they came around. Maybe not only because of the tips, either…however, I didn’t let it get to me.
Brian quickly eyed the menu and huffed. I wondered if there was something he considered a “usual”, since it seemed that he ate there so often it prompted a first-name-basis. “Probably gonna have a starter. You wanna share one, Melissa?”
“Uh, sure!” I decided quickly. “Whatever you’re having.”
“You like calamari?” he asked, one eyebrow cocked. “It’s their specialty.”
I sighed nervously, still glancing over the appetizer section. “I don’t mind seafood.”
He passed off his menu and glanced back at me. “Well, I’ll definitely take a plate of calamari. And then whatever else she decides.” He didn’t seem finicky whether I picked an expensive dish. Still, I was humble enough to not go overboard.
“I’ll just have the cactus potato skins. They sound tasty.” And I passed off my menu as well. We weren’t about to have a huge meal in mid-afternoon.
Tish scribbled down her notes. “Anything to drink for the lady?”
I guess she’d assumed Brian was going to have a beer. God, she had to make things so awkward. Hope she wasn’t going to hover over us while we ate. “Uhm, a Sierra Nevada please.” Brian cocked an eyebrow again and giggled. “What?” I asked below my breath.
“It’s Matt’s favourite.” Matt? Oh, Matt! Goddamn it, I kept forgetting about the band thing. He was just so down to earth. The fame hadn’t really hit him like a lot of celebrities I’d encountered.
When Tish left us to place our orders he stared at me for a long time across the table. I wasn’t exactly sure what to say, being overwhelmed and all. So I stared back. Then eventually, after what felt like forever, he broke the silence with his cherished giggle and clasped his hands together. “This is really nice, being out to one of my favourite dives with someone other than the people I normally hang out with. Don’t get much time alone with a lifestyle like this. Luckily we’re done touring for a while, so I thought about looking around a bit.”
“Tish didn’t tickle your fancy like I did?”
He scoffed. “Christ no, she tries way too hard to be liked. I’m sick of groupies acting fake to get in on the fame. Need some kind of anchor to tie me down, you know? That’s what I liked about you. Not intimidated by the whole band thing. But I’m sure you already know a whole bunch about my lifestyle. I wanna know more about you.”
I nervously cleared my throat. Tish swung by and brought us our beers, then left without saying a word. No tip for her today. “Well, I’ve only lived here for a few months. Got lucky swinging that little apartment block. Been trying to make it big with journalism. I mean, you figure living in a place like this where people are dying for media attention…but I haven’t hit my break yet. I wanna get my name out there and have fans of my work.”
“Been there. For a long time, too. Don’t worry…it’ll eventually come. I think I’ve actually read some of your stuff recently. An article about classic media attention. Was in one of the local papers. You’ve got a pretty strong argumentative side.” I was dying over his smile. “Your work is great. What if, one of these days, you did an article about us? Sort of like a career crossover. Surely the boys would like it. We want to promote some ideas for a new album.”
Passively nodding, I sipped on the beer. It was sweet like I remembered. Unlike the rest of the beers my family drank back in Indiana. Coors tasted like piss. Nothing else was tasty. I wasn’t much of a beer girl anyway but I could appreciate a nice, chilled Sierra, especially on a date like this. “It wouldn’t be a bad thing at all. When’s your next album supposed to be in the making? I could definitely do something about that.”
I wasn’t sure if he was allowed to discuss the band’s projects, but if he and I were going to be a thing, I think I deserved to know a little bit about it. Besides, who was I going to tell, even as a writer? He sipped some more of his beer and sat back against the booth cushion, taking his hat off to reveal the mop caused by the windy current on the bike. “Well, we just wrapped up the last tour from Waking the Fallen. We’ve got some ideas tossed around but nothing solid enough to really go on just yet. I mean, down the road I can assure you there’ll be more to go on.”
“So you’re saying, this between us, isn’t gonna die on the first date?” I bribed. He cracked a half smile and reached out for my hand. “Well I like where this is going.”
“Well, Melissa, I feel like we’ve got a connection. I like that feeling. Haven’t felt it since high school.”
This time I cocked an eyebrow. “We hardly know each other.” Then we both laughed.
“I have a feeling there’s gonna be plenty of time to learn.” When his fingers wrapped with mine, there was a sensation I got that was indescribable and incomparable. It was new, sort of like a fear, but a sense of reassurance that immediately shoos the fear away. Sort of something along the lines of that love-at-first-sight shit, but I wasn’t into that. “So, let’s talk about you a little more. Where’d you move here from?”
I swished down more of my beer. It was getting empty. “Indiana. Raised an hour outside of Bloomington, small little place called Linton. Nothing exciting ever happened there. Graduated from high school, decided to take some English classes in Bloomington U. Got a small degree, decided to follow the news. I almost went to New York but Los Angeles seemed so much cleaner. And warmer.”
He squeezed my hand when I finished talking and played with my fingers. I noticed how calloused and tough his fingertips were. There were some noticeable scrapes on his palm from extensive playing. “Well, something special did happen in Linton, and it left when you came all the way out here.” I blushed. “Must have left all your family there, huh.”
Nodding with slight regret, I chose not to think about how sore I was about the exact reason why I left Linton in the first place. It definitely wasn’t the Hollywood image. I wasn’t gonna bum him out, so I plastered on a happier face and downed the rest of the Sierra. “Another one?” he asked, to which I nodded.
That was about the time my phone started buzzing. Harriet was calling, wondering if I was still alive, and prompting me to check the time. Just past six. Wow, three hours passed already. “Suppose another one wouldn’t hurt. Harry won’t mind.”
“Harry?” his tone was stern, almost offended.
“Oh! Sorry, short for Harriet. My roommate. Just called, probably just to see how things are going.”
He nodded cautiously. “Got a little worried there for a second.” We both nervously laughed and shook it off. “Did you tell her about this? About me?”
“Well, yeah, but she didn’t believe me. She’s a diehard fan.” I rolled my eyes at the thought of Harriet meeting Brian for the first time, hoping to god that she wouldn’t scare him off. Sometimes she could be crazy six ways to Sunday. “Perhaps you’ll get an opportunity to meet her soon. It wouldn’t be a bad thing.”
He scratched the back of his neck and stared down at his plate of food that had only just shown up. Luckily he wasn’t one of those big divas who freaked out over miniscule details. My cactus skins showed up shortly after. But in the meantime, he offered the whole plate of calamari. I didn’t reject his offer, but only ate several pieces. Squid wasn’t something I enjoyed thoroughly, but it was worth eating to make him not think I was some unadventurous floozy. The skins were moderately spicy when I tried them, but not too much for my liking. At one point we were eating out of each other’s hands.
By the fourth or fifth skin I was feeling quite full, though I had a feeling he wasn’t quite done yet. So we ordered another round of beers. I starting questioning how sober he was and whether he’d be able to drive back on his bike. But a big guy like him could handle several light beers with dinner. If he had more than three, I’d have more reason to worry. I was far worse off than he was. By my fourth beer, I had the hiccups and started feeling the buzz eat its way into my brain. Brian could do nothing else but laugh it off. It was more than safe to say that we hit it off that night.
Several more hours passed, hitting ten and eleven and I’d already ignored two phone calls and six texts from Harriet. Brian’s phone went off once—it was Jimmy wondering what he was doing. He texted back when he visited the men’s room and that was that. He told me he told Jimmy about us, but Jimmy didn’t want to step in and be rude. Brian asked me if I was ready to leave, since I was quite pickled. I didn’t want the night to end.
When he passed me the helmet, I fell into his arms and closed my eyes. Not to sleep per se, but to just have a moment to take in the night’s endeavours. Enjoy the last few miniscule moments before he dropped me off at home again. “You’re sure you don’t want to split the bill?” I asked him, just as I’d asked him several times before. He kept reassuring me that it was fine, that he was more than happy paying it, and that I was a “sweetheart to insist so many times.”
He helped me onto the bike again and started the engine. Before he climbed on, though, I caught his eye at the right time just as the moon peeked out from behind the clouds. It seemed so appropriate that I’d be drawn into him. I fought to kiss him, his lips fervently teasing me. Brian was a beautiful man. So modest and charming that I felt this was the real deal. I only prayed he did in return.
He climbed on and reminded me to hang on. The ride back was much chillier than the ride there, especially with the wind blowing off the ocean. Forecasts called for a storm that night, but the sky was clear and the moon gave off astonishing light bright enough for me to illuminate all of his intense features.
“Everything alright back there?” he would occasionally ask. I’d tap his ribs and give a thumbs up so I didn’t have to scream into the wind, against the engine’s roar. When we finally pulled up to my apartment block, all my lights were on and I could somehow sense Harriet hounding and pacing wondering just when I would either answer my phone or show up at the door. When she heard the sputtering of the bike, she rushed to the window and threw her hands into the air, frantic.
I heard Brian’s hearty laugh through the muffled bike helmet. Just as he helped me off, his lips grazed the back of my hand and I felt my underwear become damp. “I had a really great time tonight, Melissa. You’re such an amazing person. I’ll call you in a day or so. Tomorrow’s a write-off because the boys want to get together and plan some new album stuff. But any day after that, I’ll be free. I’ll text you though, if you wouldn’t mind.”
My heart fluttered. “Tonight was perfect. Thank you for such a great evening. I’d love to chat all day and night if you have the time for it. We can get to know each other better.”
“I like the sounds of that. I guess I’ll see you in a few days.” His tone sounded so solemn, so lonesome. I pitied his lifestyle. Having few friends outside his band due to his constant lifestyle of moving from place to place. That was an aspect I really had to take into consideration; was waiting around for Brian worth it in the end?
As he walked me to my door, I buzzed up to our apartment and held the door open with the side of my foot, saying my final farewell for the night. His sadness was now almost entirely evident. He held onto his smile, although seemingly fake. What was he going home to? An empty house? A bottle of liquor? I almost felt bad enough to stay longer. Just as I was about to turn back into my innocuous apartment complex, he spun be back to face him, pulling me close into his chest, where he laid the most ever so soft kiss on my lips. My heart rattled inside my chest; it felt like it was about to burst.
I pulled away for a moment to breathe but jumped right back in again. As much as part of me said it was the beer talking, I knew I wanted the real deal. Though I had more respect for myself than that. Someone like Brian needed a little extra effort to get the sweets. But god, was I tempted. I leaned back in for another, this time engorging myself with his mouth, his tongue. Feeling his sweet breath pour into my mouth, sucking away all the tastes of solitude and suffering. I wanted and needed Brian, every inch of my body screamed. It needed to wait. Sooner or later I’d have him, and it would be worth every moment.

Notes