Welcome to the Family

"You, uhm, you want to talk about this, right? Us, I mean...," I still heard his words dance around in my mind, one after another, with this uncertain, uncomfortable undertone of peevishness, that actually made it clear what this talk would result in. Shit. He stared at me, and unlike all the other times he did, this time, there was no warmth, no reassurance in his glare. It was a mere neutral one.

"Vicky, say something," he commanded harshly, and I silently replied, "I wouldn't know what to say." "How about yes or no?" Matt hissed. Wow, he's just in such a great mood.
"Yes, I guess," I heard myself say against my better judgement. "So, what do you want to know? Like, in particular," he asked. I took a deep breath, knowing that there was no way out, ready for the bitter reality to be spoken out loud.

"What is this to you?" I removed my hands from his, immediately interiorly sighing at how cold they felt without his touch.
I stood just there like a school girl waiting for the sermon after caught in the act of shoplifting a lipstick. Right between his legs, right in front of where he was sitting. "I don't know. I wish I did," he sighed. Of course he didn't know. Stupid me had really believed he would have feelings for me, too... "Okay," I said, feeling my eyes starting to water. "Look, it's not like you don't...," he began, but I cut him off. "It's okay Matt, you don't have to explain..."

Nothing matters anymore. He knows that to me, he's a wildfire lighting up my whole heart, while I remain a mere cigarette break - something to use when he's bored and step on when he's done, I thought.

"But what if I want to?" he scoffed, then changing to a softer tone. "Just because you think you don't want to hear it doesn't mean I don't have the right to tell you what I think you deserve to hear. Because I do think that this is important. I just.. didn't know how to start." "Okay, then you shall continue, since I don't have a choice anyway," I heard myself say and immediately regretted it. I just want to leave. To turn around and go.

"I enjoy every second I spend with you, and when I'm with you, there's no fucking thing I think about besides how much I like being around you. Being with you. But... When I'm alone I ask myself all kinds of questions, and they all have one common factor. Do I really like you or do I just think I do? You know, you of all people should know about that. Do I just think I like you because I want a replacement for Valary? Because that would be a giant dick move and you don't deserve that. This is why I'm so hesitant around you." He didn't dare look at me.

Wow, that's just some kind of 'Sorry-I-Used-You'-pep talk, and we both know it. I don't even know if I expected it, at some point, but hearing the bitter truth hurts, I sighed as all my butterflies turned to knives, and the gushy, excited tingles in my stomach suddenly started aching.

I knew I was going to cry, so I just smiled and politely thanked him for his honesty. "I don't know what to say to that, but I'd really like to be alone now. I then forced myself to slowly walk out his room, but after I closed the door, I ran to my tiny apartment as fast as I could, locked the door from the inside, and threw myself on the bed.

I'm so naive. I made myself believe that M Shadows could fall for a stupid, clumsy cook. That's what I am. It would have been like giving up diamonds for a marble. Sure, a marble is a nice toy for a while, but when you're used to diamonds and gold, you'll always go back to something as expensive.

I cried until there was not a single tear left in my eyes. When no more tears came, I still sobbed for the better part of an hour, but after that, all that remained was a lingering feeling of emptiness, of numbness. Nothing mattered anymore.

For the first time since tenth grade I had allowed my feelings for someone to blossom and grow, and that was what I got for that. Maybe I deserved it, for expecting someone like Matt to like me back anyway, but that doesn't matter either. Whether fair or not, it still felt horrible. As if someone, Matt, had pulled all of my veins out of my body and emptied them on the bathroom floor.

I stared at the wall until I heard a knock on my door. By then, I realized it was already dark outside, and I had once again neglected the guys by not cooking since I was too busy weeping over their dimpled front singer. But I didn't care. If they threw me out, I would at least be freed from seeing Matt every day. Inevitably.

I then remembered that there had been a knock. I slowly got up and made my way to the door. When I passed my entrance hall mirror, I knew I looked like a living corpse. I was pale as the wall, and my eyes were red and swollen. I eventually opened the door anyway, expecting Matt or Syn. But it was Michelle.

"Michelle, this really isn't a good time, I tried to explain, wanting to close the door. Damn, why did she have to come over right now? Before I noticed what was going on, she squeezed herself through my door and hugged me.

"Come on, Vicky, now tell me all about Matt." She knows? I need to kill Brian. "I... don't think you're the right person to...," I began, but she cut me off. "Because of Valary? Screw her. You're my friend, and you need me. Besides, you didn't do anything wrong. I'll make you a tea now, and I got take out because Brian told me you haven't eaten since breakfast."

She looked at me determinedly before leading me into the tiny living room.
Would she tell Valary? Would the two of them meet later, at some bar, and laugh about how this skeleton girl with the weird accent really thought she could follow beautiful Valary's footsteps?

While I was still wondering what Michelle was going to do with all that information she wanted, she returned from the kitchen with a mug of tea and a plate with pizza. She sat down right next to me on the couch and looked at me with her pretty, dark eyes. "So?" Michelle asked, and I shot back, "How do you know?" She just chuckled.

"If you think about it, it actually is kind of obvious, isn't it? I mean, I knew the two of them would break up after a while, but it always seemed that he needed a little push in the right direction. He was just too comfy and too little unhappy to break it off himself. He needed you." He needed you. Me? I swallowed hard at her words. What if she is right, after all? What if she does want to help me?

"I knew it from the moment I saw you guys together. Hell, I knew it when Valary told me she saw you. It was bound to happen, Vicky." She smiled at me while I tried to wrap my head around what she just said. It wouldn't be easy to determine whose side she was on.

"I thought there was something about to happen with the two of you guys. But after that ball together, seeing you dance, that was when I knew you guys were in love." In love? "Well, maybe I am. I don't even know. But he surely isn't, he just told me this morning." I cursed at myself for thinking out loud. In love? The two of us? That was when I knew she couldn't possibly be serious. I had failed. Again.

Michelle stared at me as if she'd seen a ghost. "So, after all, you do know that you like him?" she asked, and I didn't say anything. Some tiny piece of pride left inside my otherwise pretty dead and empty shell didn't let me admit it again, but I didnt want to lie either. "Hell, and I thought I was here to make you aware of that," she added.

"Michelle, it doesn't matter if I like him or not. What matters is that he doesn't like me but your sister, and I think they should stay together" I stated, feeling a painful twist in my stomach. "Val and Matt 2.0? NEVER! And you say it doesn't matter if you like him? Well, if you knew him like I do, that would make all the difference in the world to you."

"What do you mean by that?" I asked. Are you retarded? the voice inside my head scoffed, don't show her that you care so much, she's only here to plant crazy ideas in your brain. "Well, he'll come around. I know him. And I just wanted to remind you that you like him, and that he's worth waiting. He likes you, Vicky. He just doesn't know it yet. So don't you dare give up on him," Michelle grinned and pinched my side.

Was she right? Or did she and Valary want to make me even more depressed by getting my hopes up all for nothing? I couldn't seem to decide.

I didn't know what I was supposed to think of this, so I simply replied, "Michelle, I'd like to be alone now." "Well, I'm going over to the guys now. You know where to find me. And remember, anytime, anywhere - call me." How can someone be so nice to you when they actually plot to rip the pieces of your heart out and tear them into tiny pieces of Vicky? Or did she want my best, after all?

I decided then that she was probably on Valary's side. Blood is, like even Matt's tattoo says, thicker than water. They probably wanted to shamelessly use the situation I was in to get back at me for being that last impulse needed for Matt to file for the divorce. I just happened to be between the fronts, a casualty of coincidence, the victim of collateral damage.

I just hadn't seen clearly that she was trying to manipulate me because she told me exactly what I wanted to hear, and she knew that. I threw away the rest of the pizza and buried myself in my bed, certain of that I had yet again lost a person I thought I could trust in.

Notes

Oh no, things are starting to look bad again. What do you guys think, has she lost everything? Or has she only lost her mind, and in fact everything still looks all right?

Whose side is Michelle on?