Escaping this Nightmare

♡BRIAN'S POV♡

I stormed out of the ward like there was a raging bull after me. I needed space between me and the girl that was slowly thawing my cold heart. Her pure innocence and naivety tempted me like no experienced groupie could. And god, her face. The expressions she would pull endeared her to me; her scrunched up nose when she laughed, her twinkling eyes when she teased me and her plump lips twitching when I flirted with her. There was one expression that I had experienced in the last few hours that I didn't like. When I told her I had slept with one of the groupies, her jaw had clenched and her blue eyes had filled with hurt tears. Man, that face had killed me.

But she had kept pushing and pushing me and I eventually snapped just to stop her building me up in her mind to be something that I'm not. I'm not a good person like her; I've done bad things in my life, that if she knew about, she would hate me. I would never be good enough for her.

I cast all thoughts of shame and guilt from my mind and followed a sign that led me to the hospital canteen. I saw all my friends and El sitting at a table.

Johnny saw me coming through the door and shouted "Yo, Gates, come and get some grub!" attracting a few glares from people sitting eating.

I walked over and El, following Johnny's gaze, saw me.

"You left her alone? Are you serious?" she hissed at me with hatred in her eyes.

" Oh fuck off, she's fine. Stop bugging me, for fuck's sake," I swore at her. I could feel my negative feelings about the situation with Lola, bubbling over. I was losing control.

"Watch it Gates. I've had enough of you treating El like shit. She's done nothing to you and I don't see you treating Lola like that," Arin stood up and got in my face, his eyes flashing.

I didn't flinch as his face came near centimeters away from mine. I took my index finger and shoved it in his chest, unbalancing him.

" Got yourself a little crush, have you Arin? Just fuck her and move on. Isn't that what you usually do? " I goaded him.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you," he raged as he leaped at me.

I waited until he had gotten near then I feigned a left. He misbalanced and I punched him as hard as I could in his gut. He doubled over and I heard him rasp out a breath, then I slammed down my elbow into the back of his head. He stumbled forward, knocking a couple's table over, scattering food everywhere before crumpling to the ground. He let out a violent cough then went quiet.

The silence of the canteen was suffocating. I clenched my fists and breathed heavily in and out of my nose in an attempt to calm myself down.

Zacky got out of his chair and jogged over to Arin. He kneeled beside him and wrapped an arm round his waist to help him out. The rest of the my band members just stared at me, like I was a stranger. I knew why.

When Arin had first joined the band, we had all made a silent pact to look after him and support him. None of us had ever raised our fists to him, even though we had all fought each other seriously. He was like a little brother to us and I had completely flipped my shit over nothing.

" Brian, I don't know what's going on in that fucked up head of yours but you need to sort it out soon. " Zacky said as he lifted Arin from the floor.

I scrubbed a hand over my face and nodded to him. My anger was subsiding and the guilt had started to creep in.

El was looking at Arin liked she wanted to go and help him but when she saw me looking at her she took a step backwards.

"I'm gonna go see Lola," she whispered with her eyes to the ground. She turned and shuffled out of the canteen with her arm wrapped round her stomach.

Fantastic. I had made a nice girl afraid of me. This day was fucking great.

"Hey Gates, let's go for a smoke," Matt tapped me on the shoulder as he stood up and walked out. I knew he was just trying to diffuse the situation because he didn't actually smoke. He was scared it would mess up his voice.

I took one last look at Arin; he was slumped on a chair, leaning heavily against Zacky. He was a small kid so I had probably hurt him pretty bad. Good thing we were in a hospital.

I followed Matt through a reception area and out into the cool Glasgow night. As soon as the fresh air hit my face I grabbed my cigarettes from my jacket pocket and lit one up. I took a long drag then exhaled slowly, letting all the tension leak out of my body.

"So you want to talk about it?" Matt asked me carefully.

"Shit, Matt. I didn't mean to hurt Arin, I just lost it," I blurted out.

" I know you didn't want to hurt Arin. I want to know what made you lose it," he clarified.

"Up in the ward Lola was pestering me about getting off with a groupie. I guess it just pissed me off so I took it out on Arin."

"When did you get laid?" he frowned.

"About an hour ago," I admitted, and I couldn't help the sly smile that slid across my face.

"Oh shit man, that's harsh!" he whooped, laughing.

" How the fuck is that harsh?"

"You were all over Lola when she was ill then you get off with someone else when she's in hospital? That is the coldest thing you've done Gates." he slapped his knee as he snorted with laughter.

"Alright it's not that funny," I snapped. " I just don't want her to get hurt, " I added in a softer tone. "Matt, she's so fucking pure. I can't just do her and leave her like I usually do. She's not like other girls; she's been raised different. I'm just not good enough for her" I murmured, scraping a bit of gravel with my shoe as I admitted my feelings.

"Why would you have to leave her? Have you ever heard of something called a 'relationship?' It's something that people do when they both like each other, " he mocked me.

"I know dude, but she would expect things of me that I can t give to her. She would expect me to change to match her goodness. I can't change for her but I also can't drag her down with my own shit. Plus I've only known her for a few hours and she was unconscious for most of them. I'm not going to start a relationship with someone I've just met. And she's really young. She might think I'm being creepy." I told the truth to him.

"First of all, age doesn't matter too much when two people like each other. And second, even if you've only known her for a few hours, you can still know if you're attracted to each other. That's what a relationship is usually based on: mutual attraction." He advised me.

Well, I was very attracted to her. She was so genuine which I found refreshing. And even if I was 32 and she was 17, it's not like it would turn into anything serious? We could just mess around in a 'relationship ' for a bit then move on.

"I suppose, dude. We'll see," I told him as I took one last puff of my fag and chucked it on the ground.

Matt, suddenly very serious, took a step towards me, "Listen Brain. I know you like this girl and you deserve her." His voice rose to a shout and I stepped back. "I did not go and rescue her from that mosh pit because you begged me to, just for you to-"

"What did you say?" a high pitched shout came from the hospital entrance.

I turned and saw El striding towards us. Shit! Did she hear what Matt said? Would she tell Lola?


As she came closer I realised she wasn't asking Matt, she was asking me. And she was crying.

"What did you say to her?" El screamed at me. I looked at Matt, confused now that I knew she hadn't heard him. I gave her a puzzled shrug.

"When you were with Lola, what did you say to her," she enunciated her words carefully like she was trying her hardest to control herself.

"Why? What's it to you?" I asked nervously. A ball of unease was bouncing in my stomach and my palms were sweating. I had a feeling I knew what she was about to say.

She let out a gasping sob and cried, "Because she's gone."

Notes

Thanks for the nice comments! I enjoy reading them:) I hope you all keep reading and enjoying :)

L xxx