ZACKY: Okay, I’ve never had to show anyone around before – so chances are I’ll forget some shit. So if I do, and you get something wrong, blame it on me. Even if I did tell you, I won’t remember I have! Okay?

(He beams, in the knowledge he’s doing her a favour.)

CASSY: Uhm, yeah. Okay.

ZACKY: Let’s start at the back!

(They walk to the very back of the bus. Zacky opens a little brown door, that’s lightly varnished.)

ZACKY: This is the “bathroom”. Honestly, avoid this place like the plague! Do not shower in here if your life depends on it. You’ll slip and hurt yourself, just looking out for my tech!

(He smiles at her again, knowing it all must be daunting for her and he’s trying to make it all a little easier.)

ZACKY: Val gave up cleaning this place a long time ago, so I suggest you hold out for a hotel shower for as long as you can. We have to use it after a show otherwise Val won’t let us stay on the bus. If you do need to shower, have it first thing. The hot water doesn’t last very long, and take hours to heat up again. It’s a bitch when you get in here last – freezing cold shower! Though, that’s normally Johnny. That’s the short ass bassist. Erm, how much research did you do?

CASSY: Wiki.

ZACKY: That all?

CASSY: Downloaded the new album, and some off City of Evil…off iTunes!

ZACKY: Hey, doesn’t bother me! I’d use Limewire if I had to. But don’t tell anyone.

CASSY: (Laughing along.) I won’t.

ZACKY: Righty then, shower warning – check! Toilet – again, avoid! The flush is a bitch, you’ve kinda gotta pull it, let go then pull it really hard. If you need a shi- poop?

CASSY: (Giggling.) Yeah.

ZACKY: (Smiling.) That’s what Gena calls it. Anyway, if you’ve gotta go, beg to stop at a service station. Normally we won’t stop for anything, but the system can’t take it. So, if we won’t stop, just keep telling Matt, Shads or Val’s bitch – whichever you wanna call him, you’ve got a tummy ache. If he hears it enough he’ll start believing he’s got it. Then we’ll stop, normally because he’s the one who’s driving. He likes it.

CASSY: (Laughing.) Oh, okay.

ZACKY: Right, moving on!

(He closes the door, the two turn around.)

ZACKY: This is the sleeping area. Say ‘hello sleeping area’-

GENA: Fuck off!

ZACKY: Don’t spoil it! Cassy was supposed to say ‘hello sleeping area’! Oh, never mind! Okay, our beds are slightly bigger than single beds, so if you get laid you’ll be okay. Wait, are you single?

CASSY: Uhm, Yeah, but we broke up about a month ago.

ZACKY: Ar, that sucks. What did he do?

CASSY: What makes you think it was him?

ZACKY: You seem too cute.

CASSY: He nearly made me fail college. I landed this job so I wouldn’t have to repeat the year.

Now wait – this wasn’t technically a lie! I did break up with Gary a month ago, and I did need this job – or a job like it to make my grade up. But it wasn’t Gary’s fault; he always forced me to go to my classes. I was the one who totally fucked my year up. Why bother doing the work when I knew that one day I’d meet the man of my dream, Zack Baker, and live happily ever after?!

ZACKY: Aww man! That really does suck! Well, we’ll get you the best grade – ever!

CASSY: That’s what I’m here for!

ZACKY: And if you ever wanna get that shit back Jimmy – The Rev – is the one for revenge. Or just do as I do and better yourself.

CASSY: I plan to.

ZACKY: That’s the ticket!

GENA: That’s the ticket?

ZACKY: I thought you were sleeping?!

GENA: I’m trying to but you’re fucking talking!

ZACKY: I’m being a tour guide!

GENA: Tour guide somewhere else then.

ZACKY: No! Right, the one where the noise is coming from is my bed, the one above is Johnny’s, the bottom one in the middle is Matt and Val’s, above that is Brian’s and the top one next to that is Jimmy’s. The one under his is yours. All the bottom beds are a little bigger than the top ones. Matt, Val, Gena and I got the bigger ones since Gena and Val are nearly always here with us. We just let Brian, Jimmy and Johnny battle for the final one. Jimmy won, but when we found out we were coming and Val kicked him out. Just in case you’re wondering the tech guys have their own bus, but Val didn’t like to think of you being the only girl on their bus and she misses the girly chats when Gena’s away. So you’re in here with us!

(Zacky pulls back the curtain to Cassy’s bunk.)

ZACKY: This is your bed! Now, Val said you’re not allowed to sleep with my G’tar, so we need to find a new home for her.

CASSY: Can’t you just put it-

ZACKY: Her-

CASSY: Her – where everything else is stored?

ZACKY: (Mock gasping.) Gena! Cassy said a bad thing!

GENA: Fuck off!

CASSY: I don’t under-

ZACKY: (Seeing she tensed up, thinking she did wrong.) My G’tar stays up here with me. Normally with all the other crap on the spare bunk. We either had to find a new home for the junk, or throw it away. But G’tar stays with Zack!

(Jimmy and Brian walk towards them with Cassy’s bag and suitcase.)

JIMMY: Typical woman!

ZACKY: Why?

BRIAN: You’ve brought like massive, great big bricks with you! This is fucking heavy!

CASSY: You should have just pulled it.

BRIAN: Yeah, but I didn’t want to rip your suitcase.

ZACKY: (Pulling up the handle.) Dude, it’s on wheels.

BRIAN: Oh, fuck you.

(Zacky, Jimmy and Cassy laugh at Brian’s expense.)

JIMMY: Val said you’ve got to move your guitar so we can put Cassy’s bags on her bed for her. And you’ve got to show her below the bus before we set off. But don’t start taking shit out.

GENA: Will you lot fuck off!?

JIMMY: I’m delivering a message!

ZACKY: Being a tour guide.

CASSY: Not talking.

BRIAN: I thought you were going to sleep?

GENA: I’m fucking trying!

ZACKY: Well, I can’t move my G’tar, she doesn’t have a new home yet.

JIMMY: You’ll have to find one by tonight, otherwise you know it’s getting put in the storage.

ZACKY: I know, I know.

BRAIN: Okay, we’ll just put Cassy’s stuff on Rev’s bed until she’s ready to unpack-

JIMMY: Why mine?!

ZACKY: (To Cassy.) The Rev is Jimmy.

JIMMY: What?

ZACKY: I’m just checking she knows everyone’s names and stage names dude.

JIMMY: Thanks Zachary!

ZACKY: Fuck off.

GENA: I wish you’d fuck off!

(Brian starts lifting Cassy’s bag onto Jimmy’s bed.)

JIMMY: Dude, no!

BRAIN: Do you wanna stay in Val’s bad books?

JIMMY: You look like you could do with some help.

(Brian and Jimmy put Cassy’s bags on Jimmy’s bed.)

BRIAN: Let us know when you’re ready to unpack and we’ll get them down for you.

CASSY: Thank you.

(As Jimmy and Brian go to leave Jimmy pulls back Gena’s bunk curtain.)

JIMMY: (Continuing to walk.) Morning!

GENA: (Pulling the curtain back closed.) Shit head!

ZACKY: (Laughing.) Nice hair there babe.

GENA: (From behind the curtain.) Least I have hair!

ZACKY: Ohh, touchy!

VAL: (Calling from the front of the bus.) Zacky hurry up! We’re leaving in fifteen minutes!

ZACKY: Okay, okay.

(They go to the end of the sleeping area.)

ZACKY: This, opening a brown wooden door, is the “recording studio”. It’s really just a mic and a mixing desk, and you can only fit two at a time in here. Normally if you can’t find Matt, he’s the singer, or Jimmy, he’s the drummer, you’ll find them in here.

CASSY: Okay-

ZACKY: Also, Brian, or Gates, he’s the lead guitarist, he normally keeps his spare strings in here, though he thinks no one knows.

CASSY: You do know you don’t have to keep telling me everyone’s names and stage names, don’t you?

ZACKY: But I thought you’d only done a little research.

CASSY: Which mainly consisted of names, stage names, what part they play within the band, and peoples faces. It’s just you don’t need to keep going over it.

ZACKY: Oh, okay. Fair enough. Who’s short cakes then?

CASSY: That’s Gena’s nickname from Johnny. She thinks short shit is mean.

GENA: She’s right!

ZACKY: Wow – where did you learn that?

CASSY: You really should Google yourself.

ZACKY: (Just about to come back with a smart arsed answer, looks at Gena’s bed then thinks better of it.) Right, moving on then!