Death and All His Friends

I felt guilty for the attraction I was harboring as Brian rubbed my belly, especially since he had started dating Michelle again. My babies would be here in a month and a half or less. Mind racing, I honestly don't think I could love another man after losing Jimmy. It was devastating, the worst thing I had ever gone through. I almost killed the babies in my depressive state. Drugs and booze were my children at the time. The high disguised the pain and helped numb my blackened soul.
You know that song by the Beatles talking about all you need is love? It's true. I still feel absolutely unloved. It's hard not to after losing your best friend, your husband, the father of your kids. I needed help, I still needed help. I had all of these people, all of the guys' families and the Sullivan's and yet, I still felt alone. Being too pregnant to go out and do things, I hadn't seen Val or Gena for months. Lacey stopped by weekly and checked in, usually resulting in a movie night.
This had become routine, the doctor's appointments, the pain, talking and acting like I was fine when I wish I were dead. This darkness had just crept on me, I decided to tell Brian about it.
"Hey Bri, can we talk,"
"Of course, go ahead,"
"I need you to watch me closely,"
"Um, why,"
"My hormones are all over the place and my depression has kicked in, but I can't take my medicine."
"Oh okay, I can do,"
Jimmy was the one I was usually talked to about these things, reminding me that I needed to go see Barbara soon. Brian grabbed his jacket, leaving my house without another word. I crawled into bed, feeling the tears stain my cheeks. I wish I would've died, I want to die. All I did was ruin things. If it weren't for the two children inside of me, I would've grabbed a belt and hanged myself in the closet. Morbid as it sounds, I don't think anyone would be surprised or upset. They only dealt with me because of Jimmy.
That's when it clicked, none of them needed me nor loved me. If it wasn't for the babies, they would've left me to wither, like they had been. They thought it was fucking easy. What if they would've woken up next to their dead spouse. Moving away didn't seem like a bad option, too many memories haunted the hallways of this house, this town. My family didn't talk to me anymore, but I didn't know if I could rip the kids away from Barbara and Joe.
God fucking hates me. God hates all of us. You can say he doesn't and that he's going to save you, but what kind of man pulls away a father of young children to leave them with a bipolar mother who has a liquor problem? I had stopped drinking and partying for the kids, but how could I say I wouldn't continue that lifestyle when they were born. By this point, I was screeching and sobbing. Life was done for me. The rest of my life would be caring for these kids, Jimmy's kids.
I can stay depressed and saddened, but I wasn't stealing opportunities from two innocent lives that myself and the one I loved created. I wouldn't give them the hell I felt by losing their dad, they needed me.

Notes

That was really dark, but fitting...